How to make dh understand ppd/ppa?

Jenball717 · January 2014

I have really been struggling the past few weeks and have told dh I need to talk to my doctor. He has tried to tell me that I can do it alone, because he knows how bad I wanted to stay off medication. But I am not doing well without the medication and know I need help. He just tries to be encouraging and tell me that he knows I can do it without which just makes it worse because I feel like a weak failure. He also doesn't get it when I lose my shit because of it all and he takes it personal, when I really have little control over my anger or frustration. I feel so completely alone in this, I feel like I have to defend myself constantly. He has been through this with me before but I feel like he has forgotten what it is like and has no idea how it feels for me so why is he trying to tell me how I should or shouldn't act and feel? I'm really struggling and don't know what to do.

LC122 · January 2014

You need to take care of you so you can take care of your baby.
If you feel like you need to go to your doctor, go.
Ask your doctor how to help explain it to your DH. And mention your concerns about medication. It's not about failing, it's about taking care of yourself. Failing to get the help you need is the only way to fail.

hlb622 · January 2014

@Jenball717 If you broke your arm, would you go to the doctor? If you had high blood pressure, would you take medication? Of course you would. The feelings you have are likely due to a diagnosable, treatable illness and you CAN recover from it with help. Might require medications, it might not. You won't know what you need until you talk to professionals.

But what you don't need is to beat yourself up and tell yourself you're a failure. You don't bring mental illness on yourself -- it just happens; you didn't do anything wrong. You are not weak -- you're trying to help yourself and that's the strongest thing you can do.

It's so hard for the people who love us to understand what's going on in our heads, especially when symptoms of ppd/ppa are present. Oftentimes, well-meaning husbands/partners just want a quick fix, but that's not how these illnesses work.

Please, go talk to your doctor as soon as you can. The earlier you seek treatment, the better your outcomes will be.

ksimo6 · January 2014

Agree with the ladies above. At this point you have to take care of yourself regardless of what DH understands. I had awful ppa and am on the lowest dose of Zoloft and feel normal again. Go to the doctor. Get some help and enjoy your days. You can always wean off of meds... You won't get these days back with your family.,, you should feel good for them.

ballygirl · January 2014

You are not a failure! It is hard for guys to understand and I think sometimes they just don't know what we need for encouragement. My DH was not understanding at first either and I was hesitant to go on meds even though I've been on them before a long time ago. Things were getting really bad though. I would get so frustrated with the girls that I would just snap and suddenly be full of rage. I would get mad at the babies - it was totally f'd up. I felt out of control and was scared to have those kinds of feelings around the babies. I never had anger and rage issues with prior depressions. But I don't think DH really understood how bad and scary it was for me. I finally just made the call without telling DH and got on some meds and my doctor also recommended a ppd support group which I've been to a couple times and it is kind of nice. Anyway, when I told DH it was sort of an eye opener for him - he was like "oh - I didn't know it was that bad" and he actually became a lot more helpful and supportive.

lolob45 · January 2014

Go to your doctor. He doesn't even need to know you are going if you know his response isn't one that is helpful to you or the situation. You need to do what is best for you, not what he thinks is best.

Mae208 · January 2014

Please do not let him talk you out of going to your dr. You need to get yourself help ASAP. Maybe take him to the dr with you so that your dr can help explain the issue to him? I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I started lexapro the day dd was born and I would have been devastated if DH didn't support me in that decision.

Jenball717 · January 2014

I guess a lot of it is he thinks he IS supporting me by encouraging me to not go on meds. I have been on before and hate the side effects and am still dealing with them. He knows much I hate the side effects.

But, I am also at the point that I'm realizing I can't keep going this way. That I'm past the point of self management. And he gets offended when I snap, like @ballygirl mentioned. I get so angry and can't stop myself. He takes it personal and it isn't about him! I'm afraid it will do permanent damage to our relationship.

And, really, I am worried about taking medication while nursing. I look down at my trusting little baby and am scared that I am going to mess her up by giving her the same medication. Everything I have read says "risks cannot be ruled out" when it comes to infants ingesting it via breast milk. But I can't in good conscience stop nursing either. I feel so selfish. And I don't feel like there is a right answer. I'm going to mess her up by being an insane mother if I don't take the meds! I wish I could protect her from me one way or the other. I don't like either option.

Lee81 · January 2014

Depression may be a mental illness, but it has a very physical basis. My recall is sketchy from my psychology courses back in the day (definitely not a professional) but there is a chemical imbalance that causes depression. You aren't producing enough of or you are blocking the neurotransmitters that are responsible for making you feel happy, relaxed, and positive. It can cause a real downward spiral. Sometimes you need medication to help the body regulate itself and sometimes, just talking to a professional can help. You definitely need to do something, though. Even if your husband can't understand, please don't wait to get some help. The longer you wait, the more imbalanced you can become. Also, creepy internet hugs to you.

tpeale · January 2014

MH is same way and blamed it on sleep deprivation until I lost my shit and he told me I was f-ing crazy! Get help, it will help your whole family!!! ((Hugs))

Jenball717 · January 2014

Thank you all. I just called my ob/gyn because I trust him the most and of course he is booked out until the end of feb. I talked to his nurse and was a horrible sobbing mess and felt like such an idiot but she is going to talk to him and possibly call in a rx for me before I can go in to talk to him.

I appreciate all the perspectives you have shared with me and I will be sharing them with my husband as well. I feel better knowing that this isn't unusual and it's not that I'm a horrible person or anything but it is beyond my control. Hopefully I can get feeling better soon. Thank you again.

ballygirl · January 2014

Jenball717 said:

I guess a lot of it is he thinks he IS supporting me by encouraging me to not go on meds. I have been on before and hate the side effects and am still dealing with them. He knows much I hate the side effects. But, I am also at the point that I'm realizing I can't keep going this way. That I'm past the point of self management. And he gets offended when I snap, like @ballygirl mentioned. I get so angry and can't stop myself. He takes it personal and it isn't about him! I'm afraid it will do permanent damage to our relationship. And, really, I am worried about taking medication while nursing. I look down at my trusting little baby and am scared that I am going to mess her up by giving her the same medication. Everything I have read says "risks cannot be ruled out" when it comes to infants ingesting it via breast milk. But I can't in good conscience stop nursing either. I feel so selfish. And I don't feel like there is a right answer. I'm going to mess her up by being an insane mother if I don't take the meds! I wish I could protect her from me one way or the other. I don't like either option.

I really feel for you. My husband definitely doesn't understand when I snap. Its very out of character for me and I feel like he thinks I've turned into a monster sometimes. Its hard and if I was still nursing, I may have had a harder time deciding to use meds too, although I think many of them are considered pretty safe. Your doctor will be able to tell you about the risks of meds vs the benefits of breastfeeding and maybe assuage some of your fears.

Your doctor also may be able to direct you to other resources - support groups or talk therapy could be helpful and might be something to try out at first if you are hesitant about meds. The group I go to does a lot of mindfulness activities, which sounded kind of hippydippy to me before I went, but its pretty good. We talk about ways to sort of be mindful of your action when you are in the moment, instead of just reacting. Its also helpful to just sit in a room full of women and be able to unload all these feelings each week in a non-judgmental space where other people will understand. I always feel a little lighter when I leave the room.

Jenball717 · January 2014

@ballygirl, you nailed it. Monster is exactly how I feel when I lose it. And that only makes the negative feelings worse. It's a vicious cycle.

Married2PreMed · January 2014

Please get help, I agree with the PP's. You don't have to see an obgyn though-you can see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I actually see both for my PMDD and my PPA (post partum anxiety.) I have been on meds for PMDD before, but because I am breastfeeding I am hesitant to take medications. The level of medication *I* would need is not safe for breastfeeding so I do CBT. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be just as effective (and sometimes more so.)

Not all therapist are able to use CBT, so I would ask. I see a LCSW and she is wonderful.

Emilyraymond · January 2014

I haven't really considered or thought that I have ppd. At first I was very overwhelmed with 2. So I called my dr and started Zoloft. I only took it for a month because my 3 1/2 year old started adjusting better with new baby and I didn't feel I really needed it (I started it at 4 weeks). Baby was easy! It Was really just getting him better. So I went off it and never refilled it.

Recently in the last few weeks, he's been worse again and sometimes I feel like I am going to snap!! Like I know I would never touch him but so angry like I just want to punch the wall! That is not like me at all!! I have never been in a fight or punched anything! I'm one of the most laid back people you will meet. But I only get like this when my husband isn't home and I'm home with both. DH is very helpful and pretty much does everything for DS and I take care of dd.

He wasn't very understanding when I started the Zoloft to begin with. His response was "you wanted another kid too". Yes I wanted another and would never change that but it is totally different with 2! Especially with a son who Is already been a terrible 2 and deft trying 3's. It's very overwhelming at times with him talking back and not listening. Don't really know where I was going with this. Got off on a tangent. Sorry! Hope it works out with DH. I did feel when he found my Zoloft cuz I didn't tell him it was much better after we just talked about it. He was more understanding once I told him how I was feeling.

allieb543 · January 2014

Married2PreMed said:

Please get help, I agree with the PP's. You don't have to see an obgyn though-you can see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I actually see both for my PMDD and my PPA (post partum anxiety.) I have been on meds for PMDD before, but because I am breastfeeding I am hesitant to take medications. The level of medication *I* would need is not safe for breastfeeding so I do CBT. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be just as effective (and sometimes more so.)

Not all therapist are able to use CBT, so I would ask. I see a LCSW and she is wonderful.

I also have had great results with CBT over the years. Great suggestion!

babygiantquest · January 2014

PPs have said everything I wanted to, but I wanted to post in support, anyway. Before therapy, I felt like there was an invisible, emotion-controlling switch for me that had only two options--semi-normal, and raging bitch. Now, I genuinely have happy days. Do I still feel like an uncontrollable monster sometimes? Yes, but I'm learning how to deal with those emotions, and it's slowly getting better. My husband still has difficulty realizing that I don't hate him or always mean what I say to him when I "go crazy", but that is also improving with time.

Fingers crossed that your doctor can see you ASAP, or at least call in an rX. Deft seek out some individual or group therapy, too. You'll be in my prayers, and don't forget--we're all here for you!

Jenball717 · January 2014

Thank you @babygiantquest. Doc called in lexapro for me since I have been on that before. I hope it kicks in faster than a few weeks but it is good knowing that relief is coming.

And had a long talk with dh about it. He was feeling picked on by me, for good reason, but understands now that I was being irrational because of something out of my control but he can still be rational even when I can't.

I knew you had a hard time with this yourself so I appreciate your perspective on this. Thank you for commenting.

babygiantquest · January 2014

Jenball717 said:

Thank you @babygiantquest. Doc called in lexapro for me since I have been on that before. I hope it kicks in faster than a few weeks but it is good knowing that relief is coming. And had a long talk with dh about it. He was feeling picked on by me, for good reason, but understands now that I was being irrational because of something out of my control but he can still be rational even when I can't. I knew you had a hard time with this yourself so I appreciate your perspective on this. Thank you for commenting.

This is still the hardest thing for my husband to remember when I get upset and we start fighting over nothing. Afterwards, it's hard for me to accept just how irrational I was. Just be patient with each other. It's difficult for me to not be mad at him for forgetting that he is so much more in control of his emotions than I am; likewise, it has to be difficult for our husbands to see their wives like this and not understand how to help.

And you're very welcome.

tinylittlechef · January 2014

I have been dealing w the same. Tried to push it down and ignore it, but the time has come to go on meds. Going to see the Dr next week. I say bravo for recognizing you need help and going for it! It will only help in the long run.

Mae208 · January 2014

Jenball717 said:
Thank you @babygiantquest. Doc called in lexapro for me since I have been on that before. I hope it kicks in faster than a few weeks but it is good knowing that relief is coming.

And had a long talk with dh about it. He was feeling picked on by me, for good reason, but understands now that I was being irrational because of something out of my control but he can still be rational even when I can't.

I knew you had a hard time with this yourself so I appreciate your perspective on this. Thank you for commenting.

So happy to hear this!! Hopefully you will notice a different really quickly.

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