Rough Day: Mentally (PAL)

MMason12 · January 2014

Disclaimer: I know this will probably be most a blog post verse a forum post but I am not posting about this pregnancy yet on my blog so you ladies are just stuck with me for me! :-)

Last night after my husband and I had intercouse about an hour and a half later when I went to the bathroom and wiped there was a very small amount of light pink spotting -- pretty much completely normally, I know! However, after our loss in October for some reason the spotting hit my mind and my emotions like a freight train.

I had to call the OB's office this morning to report the spotting. Normally I wouldn't; however, I have a negative blood type so if I spot at all during my pregnancies I have to go get a Rhogam shot. After speaking to the nurse they sent me down to the hospital for the Rhogam shot and since I was there they had a beta draw done. The nurse said she would call me tomorrow morning with my results and let me know what they would like to do from there. The hospital gave me the hotline to call and get my results earlier -- so I did!! I am 5w2d and my beta was 9,074. From all the charts I have seen that number is above the high end of normal for 5 weeks so I am happy with it. Although I know that one draw usually doesn't tell you much, and after 5-6 weeks beta numbers really mean little in terms of how your pregnancy is progressing.

ALL DAY LONG every single little twinge, cramp, pain, or movement that my body made sent my mind reeling. I seriously feel like I am turning into a mental pregnant lady. I have been working so hard to live every day in fear with this pregnancy. I know that you cannot prevent a miscarriage in the first trimester and as sad as they are they happen; and so far I have been doing really good. In all honesty neither my husband or I are all 100% emotionally excited yet. I won't even give the baby a nickname yet, like I did last time. But today has been REALLY-REALLY hard on me. My husband had to work tonight and I have sat at home watching TV almost in tears wondering about the unknown.

When the nurse calls tomorrow I am going to tell her I am going a little batty here -- our first ultrasound isn't scheduled until Feb 26th when we will be a little over 9 weeks -- and see if there is anything they can do.

Okay, sorry -- end of blog post. Hopefully all you ladies who are PAL will get this!

caden1206 · January 2014

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. I bet once you get past your loss date that you will feel a little more secure. Sending hugs and prayers for you and baby. I hope you feel better emotionally soon.

Vanellope · January 2014

TheEmpireNeedsYou said:

I've had a successful pregnancy since my loss, and I *still* get it. That fear never goes away. I was completely detached from this pregnancy until we saw the heartbeat for a second time, because it seemed to slow the first time and was measuring a couple of days behind. Try not to be too hard on yourself for not feeling super connected. Don't forget the PGAL mantra, "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."

With my last pregnancy, which was first after my loss, I found I was able to get more optimistic and connect more the further along I got. Early on I had some completely off the wall meltdowns if my symptoms felt off or I was just having a worried day. Once she started moving around in there every day, it was a lot easier to be reassured and hopeful.

The bolded! PGaL is a mind game. FX for more great news. I have to say this ^ pretty much everyday sometimes more! (((Hugs)))

MrsLaLaBug · January 2014

Hang in there mama. Many of us who have experienced previous losses know exactly what you are saying. Try to keep positive!

MMason12 · January 2014

Vanellope said:

TheEmpireNeedsYou said:

I've had a successful pregnancy since my loss, and I *still* get it. That fear never goes away. I was completely detached from this pregnancy until we saw the heartbeat for a second time, because it seemed to slow the first time and was measuring a couple of days behind. Try not to be too hard on yourself for not feeling super connected. Don't forget the PGAL mantra, "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."

With my last pregnancy, which was first after my loss, I found I was able to get more optimistic and connect more the further along I got. Early on I had some completely off the wall meltdowns if my symptoms felt off or I was just having a worried day. Once she started moving around in there every day, it was a lot easier to be reassured and hopeful.

The bolded! PGaL is a mind game. FX for more great news. I have to say this ^ pretty much everyday sometimes more! (((Hugs)))

Thanks ladies! I do try really hard to keep that in mind. I think my biggest issue is my loss was a mmc, where I thought I was pregnant for 2 weeks after our baby had passed. We had an ultrasound at 6w2d where we saw the heartbeat. Went back at 9w10d and learned that our little one had stopped growing a 7w4d. I had zero clue something was wrong. So even though I feel pregnant I know there could be issues and I have no clue yet. Hope that makes sense.

jesswein9 · January 2014

Hang in there! Sorry today was so rough.

mrsdanielleM2010 · January 2014

Stay strong! I completely understand, but just try to trust that all is well unless you get a real reason to think otherwise.

lily8543 · January 2014

I am sorry you've had such a hard day. I can't imagine the worry and anxiety pgal ladies must experience. Lots of prayers for peace and a healthy rest of your pregnancy!

TBarker925 · January 2014

PgAL brain is my biggest enemy right now. You are not alone. And everyone is right, today we are pregnant. Hang in there. And when it gets tough, find someone to talk to. When it's a good day, find someone who will be excited with you. (Hugs)

iam3jenn · January 2014

mamakate12345 said:

Try to enjoy the now. You are pregnant. Try not to think of the possibility that you may not be. I think we all have similar feelings but I'm sure since you've had a loss, those fears are different for you. I will give you some advice...don't read the loss/bad u/s posts. There seem to be so many on here the last week or so. I would love to give these ladies my sympathies because I am heartbroken for them, but I came to realize that reading them is not good for myself and my own baby. It causes me stress and worry and I would think that it would cause you the same.

This! I just realized this today. I am a natural worrier/type A personality. I got the book "Praying Through Your Pregnancy" and have been reading it to specifically pray for the development happening that week. That had calmed my nerves and left me resting in God's hands, knowing that his will would be accomplished. Then, I made the mistake of reading ALL of the bad us/loss posts and I started freaking again. I will pray for all of the pregnant ladies on this page, but I don't think I can continue to read and respond to each loss post. They will be prayed for, though. Please know that you too are being prayed for. Let's all try to enjoy each day that we get to be pregnant and love the little one growing inside of us.

Stasi · January 2014

I'm late to this post, but big hugs.

I'm going through the same emotions right now. We had a missed miscarriage in September of last year. We found out at my first u/s around 10w. Tomorrow is my first u/s with this pregnancy...I keep having horrible flashbacks of the wand touching my stomach and immediately seeing an empty sac on the screen...I seriously can't get the imagine out of my mind.

Just try to relax, as stupid as that sounds...just hang in there.

Maggie-Moo · January 2014

Yes, you are not alone and you are not nuts! I am also worrying about every little thing (still crazy inspections every time I go to the bathroom) and didn't really believe I was pregnant until we passed my loss milestone and heard the heartbeat. I agree with others that try to focus on the positive, and take the innocent until proven guilty approach. You are pregnant and everything is going exactly as it should be, until you get compelling evidence to the contrary.

I wish you a wonderful, normal pregnancy and hope you are able to get some peace of mind sooner rather than later!

beckynsean11 · January 2014

I'm a day late here, but I just wanted to say sorry that you had such a rough day. PgAL brain is the worst. The bad days are going to happen, I don't think we can avoid them. I just keep trying to remind myself that I am pregnant until something gives me a tangible reason to think otherwise

Last night, I decided that I wanted to get maternity pants because I'm super uncomfortable. When we pulled up to the store, MH had to seriously spend 10-15 minutes convincing me that I was not jinxing this by buying pants so early. It sounds stupid to me now, but I was absolutely freaked out last night. I think we all have our crazy moments.

I hope today is better for you.

MMason12 · January 2014

Thank you ladies!!!! Today has been a much better day mentally! I am trying really hard to just stay positive. With doctor sounded super positive this morning so I am just praying that in a few weeks when we have our ultrasound that everything will be okay!!!!

vtripp04 · January 2014

I know exactly what u mean, my last pregnancy was twins and they pasted at 7 weeks and I had no idea until 11 weeks. I myself am struggling with just the day to day. My morning sickness is not as bad as it was 2 days ago and my breast are not as sore. But I do know that symptoms vary from day to day. So, hang in there and keep thinking, you and me both will be holding our babes in Sept.

Ciardasully · January 2014

This is my first pregnancy after a loss so I completely understand. We are with you

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