New and a question (loss and living child mentioned)

kjsheehan1@aol.com · January 2014

I don't know where to start. I just started looking on this board and am new to talking about all this. Hope I titled it correctly.

I had a D&E in december when I was into the second trimester after the anatomy scan appt and told those that I had to. It is still heart breaking to me and I still cry usually if I have to talk about it. I am uncomfortable telling some of my "friends" how does a person deal with this. My husband doesn't really get the type of relationship with these other friends so his advice is less realistic. I am meeting someone finally for a playdate with my daughter tomorrow and she is friends with the not so friendly "friends". I have not been getting out much since the loss.

I dont know what to say to her. I just told her last week and she has been kind but I know everyone else wants to know. Anyone have an easy way to deal with this? I am leaning toward cutting all ties with this group, feels like they just want to gossip not support me.

kjsheehan1@aol.com · January 2014

I'm also torn because it means my toddler will now be without little playdate friends till I get some more mom friends...

Maxsmommy123112 · January 2014

Sorry so long!!!!

I kind of dealt with something similar with a group of friends and some cousins on my husbands side.

DH cousin outed my pregnancy twice to our family and friends. I didn't even tell her I was pregnant, she had a hunch and then told people. Both ended in miscarriages. Those friends/family seem very cold about the whole thing to us. When I was pregnant the first time I talked names with one of DH cousins that had an EDD a week after me, when she found out she was having a boy she used the name I told her I was going to name my baby if it was a boy....I have dozens of hurtful stories like that but this is already so long.

Bottom line is DH and I have made the decision to distance ourselves from them and anyone who is not adding value to our lives. Does that make sense? They hurt us more than anything and are not supportive or understanding so that's the decision we have made. We also feel, like you said, they just like to gossip about us.

One thing about losing babies, it sure does put relationships into perspective. Life's too short to spend time with people who don't value and treat you with respect.

kjsheehan1@aol.com · January 2014

oh wow that cousin that used the name sounds horrible!!! The timing and everything.

I couldn't agree more with you about putting relationships in perspective. Unfortunately its making me loose more people. Its just hard to do the distancing not sure how to without looking rude thanks to facebook, txts, etc I wish I lived in a different century sometimes!

aezimmerman · January 2014

First, I am very sorry for your loss. Second, do what makes you feel good. Tell the people you want to. Talk to the people you want to. If people cannot understand that you want space, then screw them. This is a hard time. The last thing you should be worrying about is what other people think. People who are grieving should be allowed to ignore Facebook, texts, tweets, etc. You have to take care of yourself and your family. I didn't talk to anyone outside of my DH and my mom for 3 or 4 weeks following my loss. I was not ready. Do what makes you feel comfortable. If you want to put up a message on Facebook telling people that you have had a loss and that what you need most right now is time and space to heal, then do that. If you want to ignore the whole world for a bit, then do that. I cannot emphasis enough that you have to put your energy into yourself and healing. I hope your "friends" get a clue and respect your wants/needs.

New and a question (loss and living child mentioned)

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