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Fears

daffodil428daffodil428 member
in TTC After a Loss

Idk if this is appropriate to post or not.. but i'm having a hard time today so here goes.

 

I had a mmc in October resulting in a d&c. That was my husband and my only pregnancy to date. 

 

We have been ttc since the go-ahead from our doctor. (This is the second cycle). I got pregnant the 2nd cycle last time, so this second cycle is churning up thoughts and emotions like crazy.

 

I, like everyone else here, want a baby. I am fearful of a second loss. I know my body is able to become pregnant, but I have no assurance it can stay pregnant. I know this sounds awful cynical for someone with 1 loss as opposed to so many others who have suffered more than me. But I can't help feeling both excited and terrified. This cycle would mean a Halloween baby... my FAVORITE holiday.... ugh so torn between hope and fear

 

I'm just looking to know that others have similar feelings.. and its ok to feel the way I do.

 

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading on :)

image

3rd pregnancy -- 1st baby -- praying for a rainbow

#1 EDD 5/2014 -- MMC 10weeks ~~ #2 EDD 10/2014 -- Our baby girl, born sleeping 17weeks ~~ #3 EDD 8/2015

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Re: Fears

  • mara005mara005 member
    Fear is normal, you're not alone in that.  
    I've had 2 losses and while I'm afraid of a 3rd, nothing will stop me from a rainbow baby. My first loss had a EDD of Nov. 4th right after Halloween (also my favorite holiday) and while it did put a damper on the holiday, it wasn't ruined,  I still had fun. 
    There is also nothing wrong with taking a cycle or two off for timing reasons or any reason, it's totally your choice. 

    ((Hugs)) I'm sorry for your loss.

    "Love is what makes pain bearable." - I love you my Angels. 
    **All After a Loss Welcome**
    BFP #1: 6/25/09 EDD 2/13/10 @ 6 weeks- Saw HB @ 9 weeks - DS born 2/11/10 (39w5d)
    BFP #2: 2/20/13 EDD 11/4/13 - Saw HB 3/19/13 (7w2d) - MMC discovered 4/13/13 (10w5d) - Est. loss @ 9w3d - D&C 4/14/13
    BFP #3: 12/19/13 (4 w1d) EDD 8/27/14 - 1/1/14 discovered it was ectopic/ tube had burst/ had surgery to remove tube (@ 6 weeks)
    BFP #4: 9/10/14 (3w6d) EDD 5/21/15 - natural MC 9/23/14 @ 5w5d
    BFP #5: 11/23/14 (3w3d) EDD 8/4/15 - Please be our Rainbow!     

    BabyFruit Ticker


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  • daffodil428daffodil428 member
    Thanks :)

    image

    3rd pregnancy -- 1st baby -- praying for a rainbow

    #1 EDD 5/2014 -- MMC 10weeks ~~ #2 EDD 10/2014 -- Our baby girl, born sleeping 17weeks ~~ #3 EDD 8/2015

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  • carlsonbaby2014carlsonbaby2014 member
    ((((Hugs)))).  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I completely understand the conflicting feelings of hope and fear. I've had two losses and I'm terrified of another but my desire for a healthy, happy baby outweighs that fear.  I wish you all the best.  More (((hugs)))!

    If you haven't already checked it out, our blog is a great source of information and resources.  I found it very helpful when I first began to ttcal: https://ttcalblog.wordpress.com
    Began trying for a baby January 2012
    BFP 4.25.2013  EDD 1.3.2014  MMC 6.3.2013  D&C 6.19.2013
    BFP 11.3.2013  CP 11.6.2013
    BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014 
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  • NoeliaVNoeliaV member
    I'm sorry for your loss, but yay for being able to TTC! I'm still on the bench, so in that "safe" space where being stuck in my fear doesn't have an impact on TTC. When I reach our TTC cycle, who knows how scared I'll still be, but I do think that my desire for that baby will be more.

    If you give it a shot now, you have a chance as having your Halloween baby. If you sit out this cycle, then you already know that you won't. Wouldn't you rather have a chance, than none at all?

    :: hugs ::
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BFP: 12/20/13 EDD: 08/23/14 (discovered m/c at 8w5d)
    BFP: 09/22/14 EDD: 06/06/15 (hoping for our rainbow)
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • redheadscu1redheadscu1 member
    I am so sorry for your loss. It is okay to feel the way you do. Even if you know you're ready to TTC, that doesn't mean you can't still be nervous or afraid, or a combination of excitement & fear. I hope you do get your Halloween baby this year, with a nice smooth pregnancy. No gaurantees that the pregnancy will be worry free, but what pregnancy really is? If you are ready, you should go for it! Good luck! ;)
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
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  • libby+natelibby+nate member
    I cannot imagine any of us on this board are not scared. After having a loss, the naive bliss of pregnancy is lost. I am like you in that we have been pregnant once and that was our loss at 12 weeks. I will not stop until we have a baby and I just focus on the end goal. I'm sorry you are having to feel all of these emotions. We got pregnant our first cycle trying, and are now on cycle three of trying post loss. I thought it would happen again quickly, but I'm fearful now this may be a longer road than I anticipated. Best of luck to you this cycle. 
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  • daffodil428daffodil428 member

    Thank you all for your words of encouragement! The want for a healthy baby completely outweighs everything else. I feel "ready" to try again.. but the 2ww was hard when I was blissfully unaware now it feels worse, because even if I get what I'm hoping for I'm not out of the woods. I guess I always knew that, but after a mmc the fear is tangible not just in the back of my mind.

     

    Even when I was pregnant, I knew it could end and I tried to prepare myself. What I didn't "prepare" for was how I would feel afterward.

     

    I am truly sorry for all of our losses. Thank you all again for your support. I hope that by sticking together, we can all make it out achieving our dreams.

    image

    3rd pregnancy -- 1st baby -- praying for a rainbow

    #1 EDD 5/2014 -- MMC 10weeks ~~ #2 EDD 10/2014 -- Our baby girl, born sleeping 17weeks ~~ #3 EDD 8/2015

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