Wedding Etiquette Question

melissa0726 · January 2014

Here's the background: DH has a cousin (we'll call him Bill) who was estranged from the family for about a decade. After reconnecting with his father last year, Bill and his fiancee threw a birthday party for their daughter, and opened the invitation up to the entire extended family. We did not go for a few reasons - it was out of town, during DD's nap, she wouldn't sleep in the car, etc.

Anyway, Bill got married last weekend, and long story short, wedding invitations were only sent to the people who came to the birthday party. An Aunt who is in bad health was invited to the wedding, but could not attend. Instead, she sent her son (DH's and Bill's cousin), who was NOT invited to the wedding, in her place.

Is this proper etiquette? And, etiquette aside, how would you feel in this situation?

MIL and I got into a discussion about this, and she insisted to me that it was perfectly acceptable for the aunt to send someone else in her place. I argued that an invitation is for the person to whom it is addressed, and that person alone. I think I would have been really uncomfortable if uninvited people showed up to our wedding in someone else's place, family or not!

MrsCase1 · January 2014

Does your aunt think she is a political head and needs to send a stand-in? LOL. That in itself is strange to me. I would've just sent a card and called to say I couldn't make it. Very odd.

Suesse2009 · January 2014

I would never assume I could send someone in my place. I think it depends on the family. It could be perfectly acceptable to do this in some families especially since she is in bad health and can not attend herself.

amywalt1684 · January 2014

It seems odd to me, however, if it were my wedding I wouldn't care as long as it wasn't a child.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · January 2014

I wonder what your MIL would say if you sent your neighbors over to her place for Sunday night dinner. :-?

angiek1 · January 2014

That is bad form to send a fill in! Not proper etiquette.

melissa0726 · January 2014

I am glad that I am not the only one who thought it was completely crazy! LOL!

If this comes up again, I'm going to re-question my MIL. I'm hoping I misheard or misunderstood what she was saying. She is usually schooling me on etiquette and what is proper, I am so stumped that she would think this is ok!

melissa0726 · January 2014

Ptarma said:

I would never even have thought to send a "stand-in" for something I personally was invited to. So strange.... Maybe she cleared it with them first?

I do know that she cleared it with them first. But I still feel likes that's really uncomfortable and put the bride and groom in a position where it was difficult to say no, ya know?

melissa0726 · January 2014

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha said:

I wonder what your MIL would say if you sent your neighbors over to her place for Sunday night dinner. :-?

We are going there tomorrow for dinner. I have been giggling all afternoon at the thought of sending a stand-in!

melissa0726 · January 2014

LindsRockies said:

They only sent invitations to those who went to the birthday party? That is super petty, IMO.

Oh yeah, I agree, their rationale was pretty weak. The whole thing was very bizarre. DH's parents were invited (and went) and kept asking if we received an invitation, which we didn't. I totally get needing to cut down the guest list and keep a wedding small, but inviting some aunts and uncles and first cousins, and not others - especially when a lot of them are close with each other, if not with the bride and groom themselves - I don't know, I thought it was in poor taste.

Luckily, DH doesn't have any hard feelings, it's not like we even know them. As for myself, I was relieved that we didn't have to find a babysitter and buy a gift

.

lolinshag · February 2014

Couple of issues could influence my answer. If it was close family/friends (like someone you see/talk to a couple times a week) then i might send a proxy just to show my support for the occasion. But i woukd ask first. We do this in my family. My mom will be invited or need to attend something, but will have a schedule conflict and i will end up having to go in her place.

If it is not a close connection (like a in your case) then no. I would just mail the gift and regrets.

Maybe the Aunt did it to show suppprt for a recently reunited family member? And also, maybe "Bill" thought the ones who didnt come to the birthday werent very interested in him so didnt want to push another invitation on them?

melissa0726 · February 2014

lolinshag said:

And also, maybe "Bill" thought the ones who didnt come to the birthday werent very interested in him so didnt want to push another invitation on them?

This is what I assumed. In the interim between the bday party and the wedding, DH and him didn't have any contact, so I'm sure he figured we were busy and/or not interested.

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