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I am a horrible bitch.

MeggoWafflesMeggoWaffles member
in Caribbean Babies
Last week, my parents and my husband came with me to the doctor for my ultrasound.  Everyone was so happy and excited.  We were standing in the lobby after the appointment getting ready to say goodbye to my parents when my dad's cell phone rang.  It was my brother calling to say that my SIL was just diagnosed with breast cancer, and it has spread to her lymph nodes.  We are all devastated.  They have a 1 year old baby, and my mom is a survivor, so we know how hard treatment is going to be on her.

And I am a horrible person because I feel bad for ME.  It seems like every time something good or exciting is happening to my DH and I, the universe comes in and shits all over my family and no one gets to enjoy it.  My grandmother had a stroke a few months before my wedding and my mom had to spend every day for weeks in the hospital.  We were just finishing up an addition on our house and everyone was so excited to come help us paint and decorate and move in, and my brother had a motorcycle accident and broke both his arms, so obviously his recovery became the priority for all of us.  And now we have a whole 10 minutes to be thrilled to see our baby before this.  How am I supposed to be excited for myself when my brother, who is my best friend in the world, and his wife who I love like my own sister, are going through such terrible pain?  And what right do I have to give a shit about myself right now?  I feel like a spoiled little brat screaming WHAT ABOUT MEEEE?!?!?!?!

I feel awful.  And selfish.  And scared and sad and PISSED THE FUCK OFF.  Not AT them, obviously, or anyone.  Just at the universe.  And I just want everyone to be happy, and it seems like we never get that chance.

Wow.  Word vomit.  I'm sorry, I just had to get all this out somewhere.
Started TTGP July 2013  ~  BFP! 11/21/13  ~   TEAM PINK!!!  

**Josephine Aimee** born 5/21 at 29 weeks 2 days

You should know how great things were before you. Even so, they're better still today.  
Now I can't think who I was before you ruined everything in the nicest way <3

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Re: I am a horrible bitch.

  • VanellopeVanellope member
    I'm so sorry. I've never had something like happen, but I don't think you're a bitch for feeling that way. You are still human! Your family will be in my thoughts. Hugs!
    imageimage
    Emery January 1, 2010
    Alayna December 15, 2011
    Angel baby #1 December 1, 2013 4wks 2 days
    Angel baby #2 February 2, 2014 8 wks
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  • MeggoWafflesMeggoWaffles member
    Thank you, guys.  Seriously.  After I typed this out I had a good cry, came back and read your responses and feel quite a bit better.  

    @Bpaws, I especially feel what you said about attacking myself and getting emotion returned.  I've always been a care-taker.  And when I can't, I feel so guilty.  And this is the second time cancer has taken my ability to help away from me, and I feel myself descending into that scary place again where nothing I can do will REALLY make a difference.  I need to direct my fear and anger somewhere, so I turn it inwards.  That's probably not healthy, huh?


    Started TTGP July 2013  ~  BFP! 11/21/13  ~   TEAM PINK!!!  

    **Josephine Aimee** born 5/21 at 29 weeks 2 days

    You should know how great things were before you. Even so, they're better still today.  
    Now I can't think who I was before you ruined everything in the nicest way <3

    image  image

    imageimageimage


    Report Reply
  • yurmomyurmom member
    I kinda have similar situations...when we bought and moved into our first house my Dad decided to ask my Mom for a divorce the same week, with my pregnancy with DD my niece was dying, with this pregnancy my brother and SIL were supposed to have a baby at the same time but terminated due to same terminal disease.  I feel uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy at all.  Ugh. 

     I'm so sorry you and your family are going through a tough time now but I bet they are all so happy to have the joy of you being pregnant and the new baby on the way.  We're here for you! And so happy for you too!
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    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers">AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers 
    Formerly dlsexton
    BFP #1 Dec 2010 ~ Blighted Ovum Jan 2011 @ 11wks D&C Jan '11 & Mar '11
    BFP #2 July 2011 ~ Miss Amelia born 3/30/12 @ 41 weeks!
    BFP #3 July 2013 ~ M/C Aug 2013 @ 5.5 weeks
    BFP #4 Oct 2013 ~ Miss Lydia born 6/3/14 @ 36 weeks!


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  • Salsera29Salsera29 member
    I think everyone has covered it already, but I just wanted to agree that you are not a horrible person, and your feelings are totally valid. Internet frangers (I made that up. Friends+strangers. I'm so clever) are perfect for venting those secret thoughts to!!


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