Am i being oversensitive? Family

trevlucy · January 2014

So my husband is in the military and he will be leaving for four months two weeks after my due date (which I'm hoping is when he's born). Since I'm a FTM I know that I will have no clue what I'm doing and going through it alone seems to be a little overwhelming. My MIL and my mom both told me they were happy to help since the from the moment I found out I was pregnant so I thought I'd be okay. I decided to talk to my mom first since I thought I would feel more comfortable with her around (since she's my mom and all). She said she would love to help during my maternity leave but that she doesn't want to be at my house for so many weeks (4 weeks) that she would prefer if I travel down to her. The problem with that is that my parents live about a 20 hour drive away. Even by plane ride that isn't the most easy.

After she said she wanted me to travel down I told her I wasn't very comfortable with that since A) I have a newborn

There are doctor appointments to attend C) I want to get into my routine with the baby especially since the hubby won't be around to help out. She got kind of bothered about it and repeated that it was a lot of time she was going to spend away from home and that I needed to come down. So what I ended up telling her was that she could come for as long as she could and that hopefully that would get me on the right track and I could take it from there. After that she just kept telling me how I wasn't going to be able to handle it, how it was going to be so hard I would probably have a breakdown, etc.

That's where I got upset because I felt she was being so negative and discouraging. So I guess that's where I am at. Should I be upset? Obviously I've never done this before so I don't know what's ahead. Should I just travel down and get as much help as possible? I know that if I suggest my MIL can take over after she leaves she'll be very upset (they don't really like each other).

rainydayluck · January 2014

Sounds like she wouldn't be very helpful to have around anyways since she's acting like this. No way would I want to spend 4 weeks away from home with a newborn. Accept MIL's help instead (assuming you get along with her).

Ashleypixie · January 2014

Your mom isn't making any sense. The purpose of maternity leave is not to travel 20 hours with a newborn like it's some kind of vacation. That's the LAST thing you need and neither your Obgyn or pediatrician would recommend it. Asking you to come to her is NOT helping. And then to imply that you're not going to be able to handle it but ask you to make it even harder on yourself anyway?! It doesn't sound like she's going to be much help here nor there, which is fine. You've got this. Accept help where you can from MIL but for the love of all that's holy, do not travel.

ktpaladino · January 2014

Wow your mom really isn't giving you much credit. It is nice to have someone there to help out the first week or two, but she's making it sound like you're completely incapable of caring for a newborn. It is hard, but you will be fine on your own! After the first week or two you will probably feel more comfortable and settle into your routine and only need MIL to be "on call" if you are in a sticky situation- it's not like she's going to have to completely "take over" once your mom leaves. Also try to have more confidence in your abilities as a mom and stop listening to the comments that you won't be able to handle it and you'll just be having breakdowns. You're going to be a wonderful mom! Of course you are not overreacting- anyone would be upset if they were being told things like that. Good luck and try enjoy that precious (albeit exhausting and sometimes difficult) newborn phase because it goes so fast! I agree stay at home- traveling is NOT what you need to be doing. Not the right thing for you OR the baby.

PrimRoseMama · January 2014

I don't think you are being over sensitive. You have said what would work best for you. If your mom really wants to help then she should shut it & do what she can. If she cannot or even doesn't want to-- then she should just say so. I say can it with the passive aggressive shit.

She sounds like she wants things her way vs. the actual helpful way. I might reconsider asking her to come at all.

Disneygeek77 · January 2014

Don't listen to your mom, she is being crazy.

There is no way I would travel 20 hours to live with my mom so she could " help" me. Heck, I didn't even want to travel an hour.

I also want to say that your mom sounds selfish too. She really wants you to deny help from you MIL all because she doesn't like her ? In addition, it would be too hard for her to be away from home ? What about you and the baby ? No, definitely don't listen to your mom. She doesn't know what she is talking about.

Excitedmum35 · January 2014

You will be fine. You will not have a break down from looking after a newborn. It will be hard, but you will be fine.
Let whoever wants to come to you to help. Do not travel!
If you did travel to your mum, wth would u do once u got home and had to go to to work as well.

RebeccaY1 · January 2014

I would be very upset that someone would expect me to travel with a newborn, especially such a long distance. I think it's great you told her the way you'd like it to be. Just don't compromise on what you think is right. Remember that you're the mom now, and will need to make parenting decisions that are best for your family. Sometimes that might mean disappointing others, but they'll learn to live with it and they'll understand you mean what you say if you stick to it.

JuneMrs · January 2014

I realize that the situation isn't ideal having your hubby leave so soon after birth. That's a lot of stress and pressure BUT you have to dig in here. You were right you shouldn't be flying/driving to your mothers. HELP after a baby is people that come to you to cook, clean, rock the baby, drive you to the Dr. etc. Anyone who tries to make that time about them by making demands is being selfish and not the kind of help you need. While it will be hard without your hubby you can still line up family, girlfriends, even a mothers helper from your neighborhood or church to give you a hand. The other piece of advice I can give you after going through 1 baby already is when it's just you and the baby it isn't so bad. When the baby sleeps you sleep, have diapers/groceries delivered if you have to, etc. I know it's your Mom and it's a tough pill to swallow if she won't come for long or maybe doesn't come at all but like I said if she is going to make demands you might be better off if you can't reason with her. Good luck!!!

trevlucy · January 2014

Thanks everybody for the encouraging words. I know it will be hard but I really do think I can do it. I don't know many moms so it's nice to hear that my situation isn't totally impossible.

LyndseylovesHugh · January 2014

I'm a military wife too and my H deployed when DD was 7 weeks old. The great thing about the military community is they understand what you are going through and are usually very willing to help. I bet if you contacted your FRG leader they could line up some of the other wives to help you out and they will be much more helpful than it sounds like your mom will be!

InLovewSB · January 2014

OP, you are not being oversensitive. Your mom is being unreasonable, and you are absolutely correct about needing to be home for doctor appointments.

I would like to address you 'having a breakdown' because you're taking a care of a newborn by yourself. Every baby is different and until yours is here you can't know if he'll be easy or colicky or what. He is your first, so there's the element of unknown, but you'll have your husband with you for two weeks while you adjust to feeding and bathing and diaper changing. That will be the important and critical time for your adjustment. This is your first child, so any time he sleeps you can sleep. If he sleeps all day and is up all night, then you can sleep all day and be up all night - you don't have work or another kid to chase around. You are going to be JUST FINE. When I was a FTM, my husband went back to work after two weeks, and I was recovering from a c-section delivery. But it really took no time for my son and I to develop a daytime routine, complete with naptime (and showertime for mommy). It was wonderful, and I did not have a breakdown in the least. I really enjoyed it, and I reflect on those weeks with my baby son with great fondness.

Your mom's a jerk for implying you can't care for your own child without a ton of help. Now if you want to have someone come help you, that's fine and you should feel comfortable doing so. But you're mom shouldn't undermine your confidence like she did. You can care for your baby - you'll see once he's here. It will be a different routine than you're used to, but newborns sleep alot and then they just eat and dirty diapers. You'll probably find that you're a touch bored and need a good book or afternoon soap operas.

laurakaz13 · January 2014

trevlucy said:

Thanks everybody for the encouraging words. I know it will be hard but I really do think I can do it. I don't know many moms so it's nice to hear that my situation isn't totally impossible.

Also a military wife (and a military officer, myself). My DH left for Afghanistan when DD was 5 weeks old. I survived and did a damn good job at it. I did fly to see my parents at that time. It was not a bit deal to fly at all. If your parents will not support you by coming to see you, then don't worry about it. You will be fine.

ktpaladino · January 2014

I just wanted to add that you may be PHYSICALLY UNABLE to travel postpartum. What if you have a c-section? You are not allowed to lift anything. What if you have an episiotomy? I did, and I was sore from that for 8 weeks...practically walked like a 90 year old woman for a month. No way you'll be able to sit for long periods of time without being in pain. The fact that she's suggesting you travel to her is just laughable. Also taking a newborn into a germ infested airport or subjecting them to 20 hours in the car is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's generally recommended to limit a newborn's outdoor exposure for the first month. I really don't know what your mom is thinking.

iverske9 · January 2014

Have her come and help with what she can, but I agree with staying home especially with all the doctors appointments you will have. I will tell you it is exhausting and hard but mothers do it everyday, and with more than one kid.

Reach out beyond your mom, MIL and friends. You do not have to do it alone. Be proactive and ask friends to help out here and there especially for sleep. Just remember that they start you off at the hardest point.

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