My rant! - a negative working mom comment made to me!

BabyNewbury2012 · January 2014

My 22 month old daughter had the flu last week so I missed the whole week of work. When I get in the office Monday a guy whom I rarely talk too asked me where I was so I told him my daughter was sick. He then said where is she now, and I told him she is back in school/daycare. The look on his face and then he said "that is why I don't agree with the moms working, daycares are no place for small kids. I pay my daughters salary so she can stay home with my grandson." I said oh good for you. Then he said "my grandson is a great kid and always listens to his mom. A few months ago some parents commented on how well behaved and nice he was and they asked my daughter how did you get him to be like that. I told her she should of told them it is because she spends time with her kids unlike those working parents who don't give their kids the attention they need"....WTF!!!! He is super lucky I was in the office! I had a few words but I wouldn't give him the time of day to get into it with him!

Just wanted to share!

*sparky* · January 2014

Holy crap! He definitely took that way too far. I mean, I have had some stupid comments but that guy really went overboard. And not everyone has a dad who can pay their salary for them to not work - like that is even realistic for most people. He is an ass.

jf198400 · January 2014

Omg I would have punched him, what an asshole! Do people even think before they open their mouths?

MammaBear81 · January 2014

Yes, because kids of working parents are always rude? WTF? I wonder what he's going to do when his grandson is going to school, and the school district is raising him instead of his mom, I love hen people are short sighted.

ETA: I work AND my kids are well behaved, I guess I can just multitask better than his granddaughter

itsmevkb · January 2014

I'm side-eying a father paying a grown woman's "salary" and side-eyeing even more that she'd accept it.

@mammabear81 I also work and have well behaved children. How do we do it? Oh yea, that's right, we raise our kids!

sweetsunnyc · January 2014

What an idiot. And a grown woman accepting a "salary" from her dad. It makes me wonder about what a pushover her DH is.

My husband and I both work and our kids are polite, intelligent, and caring individuals. They are also confident and know how much they are loved.

Just because a parent stays at home does not mean that children get a better upbringing- I know plenty of SAH's that parent with their backs to the kids all day.

What a stupid, thoughtless comment.

djm31012 · January 2014

when i see stories like this...i cant help but think there was a misunderstanding because no one could ACTUALLY be that ignorant....could they? He is an idiot. In your heart you know you are a wonderful mom with amazing kids who are safe and happy. Thats all that matters. He is probably insecure about the fact that he has to pay his daughter to keep her afloat because she cant work and raise a family.

MommyAtty · January 2014

Wow. You have great restraint.

When I was pregnant w my first, my stepfather (who married my widowed mother when I was in law school, so I didn't grow up w this ass), informed me that he didn't allow his wife to work after they adopted their two boys. I responded that I never would have married the kind of man who thought he had the right to dictate that kind of thing to me. I refrained from asking if that's what led to their divorce. So yes, some people really ARE that stupid. (Not to mention my mom worked and was very proud of that fact.)

laurakaz13 · January 2014

MammaBear81 said:

Yes, because kids of working parents are always rude? WTF? I wonder what he's going to do when his grandson is going to school, and the school district is raising him instead of his mom, I love hen people are short sighted.

ETA: I work AND my kids are well behaved, I guess I can just multitask better than his granddaughter

This.

VOR · January 2014

So many WTF's going on here.

People often comment about how well-behaved and what good manners DS has. Clearly I've done something wrong since I work and don't give him any attention...

Lynnja616 · January 2014

What an ignorant a$$Hole. He just made himself sound so incredibly sheltered, naive and downright stupid.

itsmevkb · January 2014

And, what never ceases to amaze me in people who presume that moms should stay home with the kids is how they totally discount the father's role in their children's lives (other than paying their salaries that is.)

Virgo17 · January 2014

WTAF!!! I am offended on your behalf.

NicoleWI · January 2014

What an idiot.

kmh2201 · January 2014

PrivacyWanted said:

I'm sure the woman who as an adult still accepts allowance so she doesn't need to work is setting a great example. What an ass

I was thinking the same thing!!!

ccam · January 2014

What an ass! I don't think I would have been able to bite my tongue.

emberlee3 · January 2014

bearsbearsbears said:

You can tell that asshole that daycare taught my daughter to clear her plate, wash her hands before/after a meal, and say please and thank you.

I feel like if I was a SAHM, she would be a savage.

Mine, too. Thank goodness I have a job so I can pay for daycare!

laurakaz13 · January 2014

Is he Dr. Sears? Doesn't he pay for his daughters to stay at home as if they're still stuck in the 1950s?

jennyelf · January 2014

My daycare taught my child to share and take turns far better than I could have taught him (since he's currently an only child and doesn't have to share at home). Thank goodness for Daycare!

cecilyandgautam · January 2014

Wouldn't that constitute sexual harassment? Just seems wildly inappropriate for work place talk.

But alas, this is why my mom never mentioned her kids at work. When she had to stay home with us when we were sick, she would just say she had to take a sick day and leave it at that. Everyone knew she had kids, because she took maternity leave and was pregnant a few times, but she never discussed it or acknowledged it to coworkers. When she was in a PhD program, she didn't even let her classmates or professors know. She thought it would invite discrimination and if she had coworkers like yours, sound like it would have.

SparkySharky · January 2014

I guess I would said, "Oh! So you must have been able to stay home with your kids, too? That's wonderful."

ASmallWonder · January 2014

I would have been all "Do you smell burnt toast because I think you're having a stroke. You realize we're IN THE WORKPLACE, which means I WORK HERE, which means I WORK."

Meery82 · January 2014

What a dipshit. I wish someone would say something like that to me.

JessAnnJ · January 2014

I don't blame the daughter for taking the money, I'm up for free money anytime. But, that is crazy of him to spread that ignorant nonsense around work. I'm thinking he may be overcompensating for something.

I haven't heard many comments because I'm generally surrounded by working moms. But, the wives of several of my male coworkers decided to stay at home and I've heard a lot of "we just couldn't put him or her in daycare" which gets under my skin. But, what hurt me was when my dad made a comment that my mom and my SIL are lucky that they get to stay at home as if I am harming my daughter. I was shocked.

Lilly&Co · January 2014

I have said at work, If I wanted your opinion I would have send you a memo, with a big smile on on my face. then would have said but if you don't mind I really want to wrap up this project. Thanks

jf198400 · January 2014

amy052006 said:
So, of course the guy is a major asshole because he is completely rude and inappropriate in the workplace.

But of course, leave it to some of these posters to rag on the daughter.

I wanted to work part time and keep my kids out of daycare after one bad and one not so hot experience -- my parents provide free part time child are. I suppose I am a fucked up pushover too?

Unless you have a monumentally messed up relationship with your parents, I call BS on most people not taking the money.

No, there is a huge difference between free childcare and your parents paying you to not work. Many grandparents love taking care of their grand kids and don't feel right taking money for it. They would prefer that their adult kids take the money they would have spent on daycare and save it for college or whatever. Whereas a grandparent paying their adult child to NOT work, is taking money away from their own retirement, savings, etc. which seems fiscally irresponsible since many people do not save enough money for retirement, especially with rising healthcare costs and longer life expectancy. It also promotes a lifestyle for the adult child where they cannot support them self, are not incentivized to work hard,etc. this is all kinds of f-ed up. I guess I have worked too hard my whole life to imagine anyone other than my spouse financially supporting me.

ETA: I think it's okay to accept money from parents in unexpected emergency situations such as job loss, health problems, etc. but that is not what the OP was talking about.

MommyAtty · January 2014

I wouldn't take the money. But my in laws do provide child care. I think having grandparents who watch their grandchild is super-different from someone saying "I've decided you shouldn't work, and I will pay you to adopt my opinion as yours." The definition of adolescence is depending on another to provide for your basic needs (food, water, shelter). So this grown woman has voluntarily chosen to be adolescent to a pretty obviously misogynistic jerk. Who would brag that he would do whatever it took to keep his grandchild from suffering the same fate as the OP's "poor neglected child." That's just offensive, and his opinion has been encouraged by his daughter's accepting the money. There are those of us out there who work for a whole lot of really good reasons beyond needing money.

cecilyandgautam · January 2014

Accepting a "salary" worth of cash on an annual basis from the grandparents would really alter the relationship, I think, especially between the this woman's father and her husband. It's one thing to give an occasional gift, like a check for the kid's college fund, or a chunk of cash to help with a down payment, but if the entire family's lifestyle is subsidized by this "salary" from grandpa, then he would have a lot more reason to care about their financial decisions - it's his money that he's worked for, so if he thinks x% should go towards the 529, and y% towards the 401k, and that a house cleaning service is a waste of money - what's to keep him from weighing in on all of these household decisions? What if the family wants/needs to move away - how would grandpa feel and would he "approve" her move? It just sounds very tricky to me, even if he doesn't want to be manipulative, his opinions are going to carry a lot more weight than they otherwise would and it's really hard on a marriage when the decision making process is opened up parental influence.

My limited experience with one-off gifts, and how tricky even just that can be, would make me very hesitant to accept an ongoing cash subsidy. Free babysitting and childcare? Sure, but money is a whole nother ball game IMO.

JessAnnJ · January 2014

A lot of people work for reasons other than money, but some people don't. Assuming his daughter wanted to stay at home but could not do it on her husband's salary, I don't think it is crazy to take the money. The issues regarding retirement savings and keeping a resume current are also present when a woman SAH because her husband makes enough money that she doesn't have to work. I guess I don't see a huge difference between that and getting money from parents.

Or to those who are lucky enough to have grandparents providing child care if your parents were still working and couldn't help you in that way but instead offered you money so you can spend more time with your kids and not work would you really think that is a crazy option to consider? Presumably you think it is better to have family care for your children than to have them in daycare all day. There are definitely reasons to say no but I certainly would not blame someone for saying yes.

Don't get me wrong, this man is crazy and I would have wanted to slap him, but I don't think the daughter is crazy.

laurakaz13 · January 2014

My parents have done very well for themselves and have given us money here and there as gifts. I gladly accept it when it is offered. We put the money away in savings or DD's college account. I don't find it weird at all.

I do find the idea that this man "pays his daughter so she doesn't work" creepy and controlling. Of course we don't know all the details, but the way OP makes it sound, he doesn't want his daughter to work and "ruin" her kids. It's such an antiquated way of thinking, in my opinion.

Also, this man was extremely rude and unprofessional to OP, so I have no doubt that he treated his own daughter the same way. Ugh.

MommyAtty · January 2014

JessAnnJ said:

Or to those who are lucky enough to have grandparents providing child care if your parents were still working and couldn't help you in that way but instead offered you money so you can spend more time with your kids and not work would you really think that is a crazy option to consider? Presumably you think it is better to have family care for your children than to have them in daycare all day. There are definitely reasons to say no but I certainly would not blame someone for saying yes.

Yes, I would think it was crazy. And I don't necessarily think grandparent child care is better than outside care. My in laws would just be heartbroken if we took a different option. Heck, we are having #2 and tried to use this as an opportunity to move to a nanny, and my in laws almost cried. They finally agreed we can provide them with help a few afternoons a week and/or do Mother's Day Out for the older one two afternoons a week. And even that was a struggle.

82Sonia · January 2014

I would have told him I was glad that his grandson had such a great mom and that she hopefully makes up for the fact that his grandpa is such an a$$hole.

CaliforniaDream87 · January 2014

Yea, I don't care if I was in the office or not. I would've given him a piece of my mind, in a professional manner of course

Wow. Just wow.

lexusolsen · January 2014

MommyAtty said:

JessAnnJ said:

Or to those who are lucky enough to have grandparents providing child care if your parents were still working and couldn't help you in that way but instead offered you money so you can spend more time with your kids and not work would you really think that is a crazy option to consider? Presumably you think it is better to have family care for your children than to have them in daycare all day. There are definitely reasons to say no but I certainly would not blame someone for saying yes.

Yes, I would think it was crazy. And I don't necessarily think grandparent child care is better than outside care. My in laws would just be heartbroken if we took a different option. Heck, we are having #2 and tried to use this as an opportunity to move to a nanny, and my in laws almost cried. They finally agreed we can provide them with help a few afternoons a week and/or do Mother's Day Out for the older one two afternoons a week. And even that was a struggle.
This is what pp is talking about. Your ILs feel like they get a say in your family decisions. I don't ask my ILs for permission before I change my child care and you shouldn't have to either..

MommyAtty · January 2014

No, they really don't think they have a say in the decision. I'm just not willing to break their hearts for something I don't feel super-strongly about. My baby gets great care. I'm more concerned I'm overwhelming my in laws, who aren't spring chickens, when we bring #2 into the mix. They've finally agreed that 2 kids would be a lot of work, so we will provide them with help. But I see how I was unclear and you could get that impression. If ever I felt like they weren't providing great care, I would make the change in a nanosecond without any sort of consultation. But my concern here is for my very sweet in laws, not for my kiddos.

itsmevkb · January 2014

Sorry, I wouldn't take the money. I don't think I could consider myself a grown, accomplished 42 year-old woman if I were accepting a "salary" from my daddy.

@jessannj - That was really crappy of your dad to say. My dad is a man of few words but I remember one day he told me he was proud of me and thought I was a great mom and that just meant the world to me.

JessAnnJ · January 2014

itsmevkb said:
@jessannj - That was really crappy of your dad to say. My dad is a man of few words but I remember one day he told me he was proud of me and thought I was a great mom and that just meant the world to me.

@itsmekb I think what floored me was that he is the last person I expected to make that sort of comment. He has never said anything like it again, and he may not have known how hurtful it would be, but it was not the right thing to say when I was getting ready to go back to work. Apparently my mom was also worried about DD going to daycare but was smart enough not to say anything.

emberlee3 · January 2014

SIL's dad once made a strange comment to me that he thought SIL would have become a doctor except that "she wants to have a family." Ironically, I was standing there, holding my baby, having taken a weekend off from residency to attend my brother's wedding. I assumed he had no idea I was a doctor, so I just smiled and nodded. Now I wish I had enlightened him!

sprky79 · January 2014

OP, please tell me that if this was a coworker, that you brought this to the attention of Human Resources.

JessAnnJ · February 2014

emberlee3 said:
SIL's dad once made a strange comment to me that he thought SIL would have become a doctor except that "she wants to have a family." Ironically, I was standing there, holding my baby, having taken a weekend off from residency to attend my brother's wedding. I assumed he had no idea I was a doctor, so I just smiled and nodded. Now I wish I had enlightened him!

That would have been awesome if you had said that.

My rant! - a negative working mom comment made to me!

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