One & Done: Only child
TiffanyBerry
member
My husband's tired of the OAD v. 2nd Child discussion (which is fair - I bring it up relatively frequently), so I thought I'd post here. You guys are more likely to understand!
Looking Down from the Fence
TiffanyBerry
member
tl;dr version: I'm terribly confused about OAD or not. Whine. Vent. Whine. Complain. Whine. Still confused. The end.
To recap: My husband is mostly on the OAD side. He's something like 70/30 in favor of being OAD. I'm ... Oh, I'm stuck on the fence. One day I lean one way, one day I lean the other, one day my hormones try to blow me down off the fence in a pique. Blah. (I hate the fence.) DD is almost four, and is a great kid. She was a high needs baby, and she still definitely has her moments as high needs, but not as bad. But she was TOUGH as a baby - reflux, still doesn't regularly STTN, doesn't like being left with other people (especially at places like preschool). I SAH, but we don't have nearby close family, and most of our friends work full time or are otherwise busy with 2+ kids. I'm 35 and don't want this decision hanging out there forever.
This past weekend, I got a rare day off. I've never been away over night, and my husband isn't really a kid person, so he rarely wants to take charge of more than a few hours at a time. Since he works full time, that only happens on the weekends. And since I work (teach yoga) Saturday mornings, usually that's the block of time he takes. But as DD's gotten older, I've gotten a bit more time from him for my outdoor adventures (hiking and skiing), so I went skiing with a friend.
And DUDE! It was awesome to be TOTALLY OFF THE HOOK for awhile. No listening to a monitor for when I'm going to get called in for MOTN peeing. No being half off, but half on while DD watches a little TV and will call "Can I watch Abby's Flying Fairy School?!" as it starts. No "But mommy, you have to come speak for my animals and play cookie restaurant!" while I'm trying to make dinner. Absolutely no responsibility for any other human being but myself. It makes me want to be OAD, so I can continue to have the opportunity, and have it more often.
But even last week, I was almost convinced that I wanted another. That it would be worth waiting another 5, or 6, or more years until I had more time to myself. (My husband and I have already discussed that he has a certain amount of energy that he has for giving to kids. As we are geeks, he called it his power bar. He is quite confident that having a second kid will not change the capacity of his innate power bar. So, at best, I will get the same amount of help as I did when DD was younger, but realistically, probably a little less.) I was feeling confident of loving being "A MOM!". (You know what I mean, not just "hey, I'm a mom," but "I AM TOTALLY A MOM AND I REVEL IN IT! BRING ON THE HOMEMADE PLAYDOUGH!") I was thinking about how difficult it would be with two but how we would manage it and how it would cause my daughter and myself to grow. Blah blah blah.
And now I'm sitting here thinking, "but I just got a chance to be *just myself*, and I want more of that!"
I know there's this whole "well, you find a balance between being your own person and being a mom" thing. But I find that really hard. Especially without the help, because I am on duty 95% of the time. (Even over night still.) I don't have a village to help me raise kids, though I really, really, really want one for us all to be a part of. But having another kid isn't going to instantly build that village, while it is going to make finding that balance even harder for me. I think.
Blergh!
Well, I feel like I've spewed my tangled mess of thoughts onto you guys, and hope they make some sense. Or at least hope that writing this out helps me untangle some of those thoughts. Maybe I'm just being a whiny cry-baby that I can't have my complete freedom on my own terms and be the mommy that I want to be too. Damn those unrealistic and incompatible expectations!
Anyone else feel this confused?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Looking Down from the Fence
Yes, I was that confused in the beginning but then I was overwhelmed with a feeling of true contentment one day. It really did hit me like a ton of bricks. I just knew that I was OAD and was so happy with the decision. I then started truly enjoying our family of three without always letting that guilty part of my mind come in and confuse me.
I had to look into the future and ask myself what I want in the long run. I also had to look at my marriage, which was great, and assess if it would remain that way with adding more children. I felt complete and didn't have a strong desire to have more children but I carried such guilt that my DD wouldn't have a sibling. That is where my confusion came from. Once I have let all of this go, I swear I have enjoyed life more. I didn't realize how much time I gave the thought andn stress that I would feel over the indecision.
Obviously nobody can answer how many children you should have. But if you and your DH aren't on the same page, and if he doesn't help you but only 5% of the time due to working outside of the home then that would be enough of an answer for me. That doesn't have to mean anything in regards to your time or patience though. You know your limits better than anyone. I think if you truly only wanted to be OAD, you wouldn't still feel this confused after four years.
I can only imagine how hard it is to be on the fence. Honestly, we decided while I was pregnant to be OAD, so I was never truly on the fence. Maybe for 2 days. And I think the main reason I was on the fence for 2 whole days was because society put me there and stabbed the fence right through my butt. Society says the "perfect" family has more than 1 child. Society deems that normal. But society isn't raising those others children, just like your village isn't.
I have no idea how you basically raise on your own. I would go crazy. I would definitely be screaming for that alone time. I scream for it, and my H is extremely active in DD's life. (well as active as he can be- he works and I SAH).
Basically, I'm too selfish for another. And I know this, and I don't care how it makes me sound. To be a GREAT mother, I need to remain selfish. If I weren't, I would suck as a mother. I need time alone from my daughter. I need vacations with just H. I need date nights, and I like them weekly.. if not weekly, at least bi-weekly. Having time away from DD lets me breathe, focus on myself and marriage for a few hours, and come back ready to goooooo. Ready to play house, Barbies, do homework and listen to her. I require this. For me, it's not necessarily a luxury. Because when too much time goes by, and I don't have that time.. I find myself getting snippy with her, and then I feel like a crap mom.
And in order to have that time I like/require, it can only be her. My mom takes her so H and I can have those times.. and I can't have those with two kids. There is NO way in hell my mom would take 2 kids overnights for a week while H and I hop to NYC for a vacation. That would be out of the question.
Focusing on YOU is so important.
SO many mothers lose themselves when they have a family and babies. It becomes about the baby. And that's good, because it should.. but that doesn't mean you should lose track of your own identity in the process. That balance needs to be found. You enjoyed that time to yourself so much, so just remember that
The answers will come. It's totally OK and normal to be on the fence. There are some of us here who aren't (myself included) but plenty that are. And it's not an abnormal thing. It's a HUGE decision to add or stop your family- and for some, that decision is harder. But it'll come to ya
What helped me so much was when someone here told me to think about your family in the future. Not next month or even next year, but years down the road. How many people are at the dinner table? How many people around the Christmas tree? How many flying to your European vacation? Whatever. And I could only ever see the three of us.
I'm going to reply to everyone, because y'all are my personal shrinks at the moment, and maybe the answer will come to me.
@jkep5909
I just wanted to want another because you're "supposed to". I never thought of oad being an option prior to having dd, and I think that's part of why I kept thinking I was on the fence, because I'd only ever thought of having 2.
I know what you mean about "because you're 'supposed to'". We went into our first wanting two - I had originally wanted one (I'm an only) and my husband two (he's got one sibling), but long before we had our daughter, he brought me around to his way of thinking. Of course, even before that, we weren't sure if we wanted to have any kids. In some ways, I think choosing no kids is more socially acceptable than choosing one! And it's true, all of my friends are either choosing to have two (or more) or will be having only one not by their choice. I don't mind being an odd man out, but it can be socially awkward.
@MissPeansMama
I have to say your statement about your DH "not being a kid person" struck me. My first thought was, "then why the heck would you even want to consider another child?" But then I realized that not everyone is like me. I cannot handle being responsible for DD's care 100% of the time at home.
To be fair, I have learned - from watching a friend's child two days a week - that I'm also not a kid person. I love my kid. I love doing this with my kid. I think my kid is awesome. Other people's kids... eh, they're nice. Will they go play with my kid so we can have an adult conversation?
But I really do like my kid. And my husband does too, but he just doesn't relate well to a 3 year old. He gets tired of playing "speak for my animals" and "repair shop" and "cookie restaurant" and "race" faster than I do. And he has far less skill at faking it once he is spent. On the other hand, once she's old enough to play video games with him (really play, not the way they play car racing games together now), I imagine he'll be happy to play with her for hours. :P But that's certainly no guarantee that she'll want to do it too. (Though from current appearances, she may well want to...)
@Ecy
...but then I was overwhelmed with a feeling of true contentment one day. It really did hit me like a ton of bricks. ... I had to look into the future and ask myself what I want in the long run. I also had to look at my marriage, which was great, and assess if it would remain that way with adding more children. I felt complete and didn't have a strong desire to have more children but I carried such guilt that my DD wouldn't have a sibling. ... But if you and your DH aren't on the same page, and if he doesn't help you but only 5% of the time due to working outside of the home then that would be enough of an answer for me. That doesn't have to mean anything in regards to your time or patience though. You know your limits better than anyone. I think if you truly only wanted to be OAD, you wouldn't still feel this confused after four years.
I've had that feeling of contentment every once in a while. But I've experienced it when watching a friend's kid and having two of them at once. (Of course, that's never for more than nine hours in a day, and never at bedtime!!!) But it doesn't happen often, and I am not convinced that I would feel it more or less with two. I just think it would be *different*, rather than better or worse.
I also don't know that I can say I feel "complete" or "not complete" with one kid - or if one of those would be true with two kids. The idea of that doesn't make a lot of sense in my brain - I'm complete as I am, and I'd be complete if it were different too. Another "it would be different, not more whole or less whole" sort of thing.
The effect on our marriage and our family is definitely a consideration. And that's why I posted previously that I feel like I may be in a situation where the right answer for me is different than the right answer for the family as a whole. And I'm starting to suspect (after more thinking on all the replies today especially) that while *I* might not truly want to be OAD, it might well be the best answer for the family.
@SandAndsSea
I'm right there with you. I'm calling the fence my home for now. If we did have another, it wouldn't be for a few more years anyway (DS is 2) so I'm sitting on the fence, confused, uncertain, and tired.
Welcome to the fence! At 2years, DD was still waking often in the night and nursing ... five or six times a day. We weren't anywhere close to considering another! Good luck!
@ICarriedAWatermelon
The big thing pushing me toward having a second child is that when we're older, I think it will be nice to have two adult children to touch base with... you know, when I'm retired and want to visit my kids and such. Yeah, it's selfish, and "what's in it for me?" centered, but what isn't? And I'm not buying that people have second children "for" their first.
I'm down with the selfish analysis. I'm no fan of self-centered-ness, but we're all selfish, and I don't think there's anything wrong with "selfish" considerations. There's going to far, but you *HAVE* to consider yourself in these things, because it affects your life too. And I can see it being nice to have two sets of kids to touch base with - certainly a little less lonely. No guarantee that will happen, of course. (I haven't talked to my father more than once in something like ten years.) But it's a consideration!
And I'm also in the PNW. I'm just south of Bellevue. The skiing was at Stevens (really crummy conditions this year!). Since DD is often with me - carried on my back - I usually hike local, but I'm hoping to get enough time to myself this summer to get out of the Central Cascades and into the North Cascades and/or Mt. Rainier. (The drive is just soooooo long when you've only got 8 hours from your front door back to your front door!) And I've already warned my husband that I'm doing at least one overnight trip this summer. I won't make him do more than one night in a row, but DD weaned a few months ago, and doesn't nurse before bed any more, so he can do one. :P Where do you hike?
@Chapter79
I want a cookie for reading every word ... And I think the main reason I was on the fence for 2 whole days was because society put me there and stabbed the fence right through my butt. Society says the "perfect" family has more than 1 child. Society deems that normal. But society isn't raising those others children, just like your village isn't. ... Basically, I'm too selfish for another. And I know this, and I don't care how it makes me sound. To be a GREAT mother, I need to remain selfish. ... My mom takes her so H and I can have those times.. and I can't have those with two kids. There is NO way in hell my mom would take 2 kids overnights for a week while H and I hop to NYC for a vacation. ... but that doesn't mean you should lose track of your own identity in the process. That balance needs to be found.
Here is your cookie (recipe only, but they are so worth making): https://www.danamadeit.com/2011/11/recipe-double-dark-chocolate-pomegranate-cookies.html
Yeah, screw that "society"!
It's true, those expectations are ridiculous. No one outside a family can know what the right family size is.
And, as I mentioned, I'm down on selfish. Because, as you describe, we need that time. We need to be able to get away - to turn off that radar and always-on-at-least-standby mode. It's AWESOME that your mom can take her for a week and give you guys some time. I don't know if we'll ever have that option (given our family), but I know some friends who do and I'm not sure if they realize how lucky they are.
I think the identity part is hard. Because it's kind of like having multiple identities. Or some strange blending that isn't so easy to achieve. And, heck, I think I'd be having some trouble with that without through MOM into the mix of identities. (I got laid off before we decided to have DD, and have started a new career of a type, but one that veers greatly from my educational background. Or I'm just hitting my midlife crisis. :P)
Oh, also, I love reading from you. Having the oldest kid (?) on the forum gives a little more weight. We were ABSOLUTELY not ready to consider if we would have another until the past ... six months or so. So, I feel in a different place than someone with a one year old. (Not that it's in any way not valid to be OAD with a one year old. It just feels different than it did when she was that age.) And it's good to hear about people continuing to be confident of their decision. Many of the people I have talked to in real life - the ones who have kids my age - are either glad they had more than one or with they would have had more than one. But maybe that's partially a generational thing?
@bloverde
I love my son to death, but I had PPD (that went untreated), and I'm just exhausted. Literally from trying to deal with his sleep, but figuratively from all his other needs. I cannot handle another due to even the remotest possibility that the next would be the same. ... What helped me so much was when someone here told me to think about your family in the future. Not next month or even next year, but years down the road. How many people are at the dinner table? How many people around the Christmas tree? How many flying to your European vacation?
I'm sorry you had to go through all that! I sympathize on the sleep issue. (I can't wait until I can reliably get a solid six hours of sleep in a row - especially in my own bed!) It's exhausting. And I have sometimes wondered how much the four years worth of chronic sleep deprivation (sometimes to dangerous levels) has me feeling so uncertain. I know you guys have often heard the "but the bad part is only a short time", and I'm far enough along to KNOW that's true. I can see that it might only be a few years. And I want to say "yeah, I can do a few more years for the good stuff later" (assuming you think there's good stuff later
), but making the decision to do it is tough.
And I have TRIED to read that magic crystal ball of the future so many times. But I can see *both*. I can see us having one. I can see us - with a teenage daughter, talking about something at school while I make dinner, just one more at the small dinner table for Christmas (well, when I picture that, it seems lonely, so I automagically invite friends in my imagination), and so on. But I can also see two in most situations. One doesn't seem more right than the other, they just seem different. Same thing with vacations - just one seems somewhere between lonely and too high of a demand for us without extra entertainment for her, so I imagine bringing her friend's along. Blast this infernal flexible imagination!
@Deac130
I'm not on the fence (we found out when I was pregnant that we were carriers for cystic fibrosis and have decided to be OAD) but I'm not really "ok" with that emotionally yet. I switch back and forth. What really irks me is that we have told family that we are OAD and why we made that decision yet we still get: "Don't you think it's time for another one?" Wtf?
I'm sorry you've had people put you on the spot like that! It's not appropriate!
I may be slowly working my way towards a similar feeling- that we should be OAD though I'm not emotionally "ok" with that myself yet. That's hard, when the decision is so wide open!
@eyenigh
In addition to everything that everyone else has said, do not overestimate your energy levels as you approach 40! ... As much as we hate to admit it, we are decidedly less energetic than we were 5 years ago and we've both agreed that the only thing squeezing the extra energy out is our son-- and he's a super easy kid! ... My suggestion is if you're going over the fence, go sooner than later! On the other hand, your other child will be old enough to be helpful so there's that.
There is definitely that. I'm quite sure that a newborn at 36 would be harder than a newborn at 31, just on my own body and energy levels. And I'm certain this plays into it for my husband as well. It makes me feel that the decision should be more urgent than we are treating it, but I so hesitate to make that final decision. And DD being the age she is plays into it - two kids two or three years apart in my late 30's isn't something I would want to do, but spaced out more? DD's already shown signs that she would enjoy being a big sister (not like that is a sufficient reason to have another kid by any stretch of the craziest imagination), but a 5 year old is not the same as another adult (or even teenager) helping out.
I know that I read like I should be OAD. There's something stopping me from making that actual decision, though, and I wish I better understood what it was. But I may never know, so what's the point in worrying too much over that one!
For the record, I did a quick estimate on how much of the time I am the one with primary responsibility, and if you consider the approximately 14hr period where DD is most likely to need someone, I average being the primary 83% of those hours - 895 most days of the week. If you consider the entire day, since she usually does call me once or twice in the night, the average is 90% - 94% most days of the week. That's not counting things like preschool, where I'm not in the same location with her, but I still have my phone in case they need to call me - which they have. But preschool is max 6hrs a week, so it doesn't change the picture a whole lot. I feel more vindicated in feeling so tired. :P
But I don't know that there is a whole lot more that my husband could do even if he wanted to. Ok, I used to get half an hour to myself in the morning, but he is NOT A MORNING PERSON, so that's just not going to happen again. But he gets home right about when we eat dinner. (Cliche, much? Arriving home to dinner on the table. But we eat at 5:30...) And then it's all directed towards bedtime after that.
I'm definitely feeling like I'm in that "this is the correct answer, but I'm not yet emotionally happy with it" camp right now. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, though!
I do appreciate all of your input, though. It's been really helpful to talk it through. Especially with people who have really thought through the decision whether or not to have a second kid, and not just gone by rote.
Oh, and whoever wrote the autoformatting conversion for this little editing window where I get to type my replies verses the actual code for the page can suck it. Seriously. I reformatted the whole thing in notepad and you screwed up my formatting by adding font changes and other stupid stuff. div class your way to a new job!
This is me really. I honestly think one way that has helped me realize that we are probably OAD is something a friend said. She is dating this guy, they are going to get engaged and when I asked if they might have kids she said probably not. She said that she didn't see the two of them as parents together. I have another friend who said a similar thing about her boyfriend -- the idea being that maybe if they were with someone different they would have children but given who they are with (and both couples are very happy) it just doesn't seem to be in the cards.
Facts in my life: two demanding jobs, high cost of living, crappy public schools, student loan debt, no close family, husband who has limited patience for children, ME who has limited patience, loves things clean and organized and likes alone time to read, see friends, exercise. The way it helps me to think about is that (1) I have a husband who loves me and wants to be a great father to our one child -- how awesome is that?, sure maybe if I was married to someone else we would have more kids but that isn't this situation (2) a lot of this is based on my personality as well and (3) there are things that we could change (at great cost) to change some of the above facts. We could quit our jobs, move closer to my parents who would be happy to help out, live in the suburbs with great public schools, try and find less demanding jobs there. But at the end of the day I'm not at the point where I am willing to do any of those things and we really like our lives as they are. Would you be willing to make those changes to have a second child? It might be a helpful question for you to ask so you feel like you are owning your circumstances if that makes sense. For us maybe in a few years we'll really want to have another and that will cause us to move/change things up, but we're just not there yet.
Oh gosh, this just gave me the chills. But its so true. A life-long friend of the family raised 2 boys. The second of which has some really unique and challenging developmental issues. At the age of 25, he lives out of state at a special ranch in Montana. Occasionally he'll be sent home because of his behavior. When he is at home, life is living hell for his mom. She honestly was so relieved when he turned 18 and this ranch would accept him, he is just unmanageable. She has said honestly, frankly, and in confidence to my mom and I that she often times wished/wishes that her second son would pass away. The 25 years of being his mother has left her utterly emotionally exhausted.
It is her family that I think of when choosing to be OAD. I can't help it - this family's situation has frightened me into being OAD.
MMC 3.30.16
While I can appreciate how you might feel that way, I'm not sure fear should be the primary motivator for choosing OAD or not. What if someone's current only is hit by a car and left in a very disabled state? Or one day a person's child wakes up at 20 with schizophrenia? Life happens.
I guess I say this as a potential OAD with a child who has needed some extra assistance so far (PT and maybe ST in the future) and we really don't know what life has in store for him/us. He's doing very well so far and I'm incredibly grateful. Part of my reason for thinking about being OAD is to have as much time/money to give him as much support as possible.
I certainly meant to offense, and of course, fear is not my own reason for being OAD. But I do think about this extreme case that is so very close to my family. My heart breaks for this mother that has really never experienced joy in raising her second child. Again, very extreme case.
I'm glad your LO is thriving, you sound like a great mom!
MMC 3.30.16