WWS12D: Cheating

Eastie156 · January 2014

MeatballEsq said:

@eastie156 Im so sorry you went through that I can see how emotional cheating can be just as devastating, especially if they didn't recognize it. I'm hoping now he will be able to recognize it going forward? I remember sitting in law school orientation and one of the 3rd year law students giving it divorced in his second year. He have some crazy high statistic of how many people divorce during law school. We weren't married yet but had been living together for probably 6 years at the time and it scared the crap out of me. It was really hard on DH.

Yes, he understands now and fully recognizes it. We've definitely worked it out, but I'll probably never forget that it happened. I still love him and I think it's made our marriage stronger (I hope?)

I had no idea that Law School would take such a toll on a relationship. I've heard of nursing school doing that, but not this.

Eastie156 · January 2014

jenndub said:

I was engaged to Emma and Beckett's dad when he cheated on me with one of my close friends. I had always thought that if he cheated I would leave. But he left me before I found out, then he lied about it. I spent weeks begging him to come home. Then I found out he cheated and stopped begging. But if he had tried to come back in those first few months I know I would have let him. The pain and devastation of it all was almost more than I could stand. I have always found myself to be a mentally strong person, but I can admit that I fell to pieces. If I didn't have two very young babies counting on me I wouldn't have even gotten out of bed.

If DH cheated on me, I can't say with confidence what I would do. I did not allow my ex-fiance to come back when he tried a year later. I didn't want my kids to think I was okay with being treated that way or that it was okay to treat someone that way. I also found out he had been cheating throughout our entire relationship so that helped me to let go.

@jenndub, sorry you went through that. Good for you for knowing what you wanted for you and your kids and staying strong, especially a year later.

jenndub · January 2014

@BPer Because the girl that my fiance cheated on me with was a friend, I punched her in the face. That bitch was at my baby showers and visited Emma in the NICU, she knew exactly how fucked up it was to be sneaking around with my guy. If the girl wasn't my friend, I wouldn't have blamed her, but I wouldn't want to be friends either.

Eastie156 · January 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

BillyMollyEmmy said:

LoisLayn23 said:

I also agree with the PP that said it's so much easier to say "I'd totes leave" until you are in that position.
Oh for sure - but it's hypothetical, right? So I guess you have to answer hypothetically.

And hypothetically, I'm an unforgiving jerkface. haha

Oh sure. I thrust myself into the actual what if.

also, full disclosure: BTDT. So biased.

Sorry @LoisLayn23 that you've had to go through it-

Pokedot · January 2014

I already answered the main question and I think my answer still stand at not being able to move on my marriage. I currently trust DH completely. I've never had that before because my very serious ex-boyfriend was the scum of the earth and I know cheated on me at least once. I never want to go back there again.

If the other woman were to get pregnant I'd not only lose my shit but beat him senseless. There is no going back after that.

I'd make the woman's life a living hell I can tell you that much. Not sure of the exact steps. Here's hoping none of us have to go through that.

I could totally see DH's ex throwing herself at him. She called him 2x several years back. He never answered but she left him msg's. Then we saw her out at a bar. She knew exactly what I looked like but threw herself at him all while I'm across from the table with friends. I laughed because it was so desperate and funny to me. She bragged about how she was engaged and working etc. She wasn't engaged and was just turning 32 and still in college because she changed her major like 12 times. Oh and she was living with her parents.

BPer · January 2014

BunkinMama said:

So, how would everyone deal with the other woman...who is obviously a dirty, no good slore?
Would she be that? It depends on if she knew he was married and continued to pursue the relationship

In my case, she would be. There is pretty much no way you wouldn't know H was married if you were local. And also? He always wears his ring, so there's a very noticeable indent on his finger, which is something I would look for, personally...unless I was a whore.

BeebopandBuddy · January 2014

Unless the other woman was friend, I don't see any reason to deal with her at all. My issue is with my husband, she didn't betray me.

MeatballEsq · January 2014

Umm they'd both get their ass beat down. Unless she didn't know, that is.

BPer · January 2014

This was one of my FFFCs awhile back, but I was "the other woman", and had no idea whatsoever that he was married.

He was my counterpart at a company I worked with. There was not a single red flag. He never wore a ring (and still doesn't), would call/text me at any time of the day or night, and all of our ahem, interactions were when we were already together for business, so I was never all "why aren't we going back to your place?" because I never brought him to mine either, we were always traveling.

On my end, it wasn't emotional, but he got really attached, and then it kind of fizzled out.

I only found out that he was married/has kids within the last year through some Facebook stalking. I still think about saying something to him, but it doesn't seem worth it.

MarisaKathleen · January 2014

I hate, hate, hate that people automatically assume the woman is the one to blame and call her a slut/whore/whatever. Seriously. Because husbands would never lie, will always tell people they're married and the woman in question always forces them to have sex with them right?

I'm sure there are slutty women out there who don't care that someone is married before pursuing them, but that really rubs me the wrong way because I was accused of being "the other woman." I had no idea AT ALL that the guy in question was married. None. Until around 3 months in. I had been to his house, met a couple people in his family, etc. Nothing.

If the other person was some stranger who didn't know, I wouldn't do anything other than tell her. If it was a friend, or someone we knew, or someone along those lines who was trying to break up my marriage? I'd life ruin her.

BPer · January 2014

MarisaKathleen said:

I hate, hate, hate that people automatically assume the woman is the one to blame and call her a slut/whore/whatever. Seriously. Because husbands would never lie, will always tell people they're married and the woman in question always forces them to have sex with them right?

I'm sure there are slutty women out there who don't care that someone is married before pursuing them, but that really rubs me the wrong way because I was accused of being "the other woman." I had no idea AT ALL that the guy in question was married. None. Until around 3 months in. I had been to his house, met a couple people in his family, etc. Nothing.

If the other person was some stranger who didn't know, I wouldn't do anything other than tell her. If it was a friend, or someone we knew, or someone along those lines who was trying to break up my marriage? I'd life ruin her.

I was assuming the other woman knew, because that would probably be my situation. Not all 'other women' are whores. See my above post. Or maybe I'm making a case for the opposite...

willy_gert · January 2014

Okay, so question, would it make the emotional affair or any affair more difficult to deal with if you found out that your DH hid being married and having a family?

MeatballEsq · January 2014

Umm I wasn't slut shaming or taking my anger out on the other woman either. If she knew what she was doing, it's an equal opportunity beat down.

BPer · January 2014

MeatballEsq said:

Umm I wasn't slut shaming or taking my anger out on the other woman either. If she knew what she was doing, it's an equal opportunity beat down.

My dirty no-good slore comment was more tongue in cheek. No slut shaming here. But for real, if she knew, it would not be pretty for her.

BillyMollyEmmy · January 2014

BPer said:

So, how would everyone deal with the other woman...who is obviously a dirty, no good slore?

I never view affairs like this. I always think it takes two to make a poor decision, but I see the onus as being more on the married person than the unmarried person.

Two married people? Yeah, you're both horrible people.

BPer · January 2014

BillyMollyEmmy said:

BPer said:

So, how would everyone deal with the other woman...who is obviously a dirty, no good slore?

I never view affairs like this. I always think it takes two to make a poor decision, but I see the onus as being more on the married person than the unmarried person.

Two married people? Yeah, you're both horrible people.

I edited, forgot my sarcasm font on that one.

jenndub · January 2014

BunkinMama said:

Thank you Willy. @Eastie156 @jenndub @loislayn23 big group hug

Thank You. Hugs to all of my S12 ladies that have been through this. We are a strong, kickass group. I'm so glad I go here.

BillyMollyEmmy · January 2014

BPer said:

BillyMollyEmmy said:

BPer said:

So, how would everyone deal with the other woman...who is obviously a dirty, no good slore?

I never view affairs like this. I always think it takes two to make a poor decision, but I see the onus as being more on the married person than the unmarried person.

Two married people? Yeah, you're both horrible people.

I edited, forgot my sarcasm font on that one.

aaaaah yes, it's all clear to me now

BPer · January 2014

I'm kind of a crazy bitch though.

There was a girl who worked for H, that would flirt with him on the regular, text him about non-work-related things, etc. H really is completely aloof when it comes to these things. Had she been attractive, maybe he would have noticed, but she was pretty trashy.

She made this mistake of making a comment about how he 'sure could wear a white shirt' one day and I overheard. I had him fire her.

6 months later, she texted him asking if she could have her job back. I handled that one. No bitch, you cannot have your job back.

Pokedot · January 2014

I'm sorry for any of you that have had to deal with situations like this. You are all stronger in my eyes than I could ever be.

I agree that the "other" woman may have no clue I would exist. If that was the case DH would be solely to blame. If however she had any clue both of their lives would be a living hell.

Where I live it's so small that everyone knows someone. Therefore you couldn't get away with not knowing someone was married, unless you lived under a rock or you were from OOT. It's so small that most people know your business before you do.

I worked with a man and woman who were having an affair. The denied it but he'd pick her up for lunch on days off and they'd flirt while working together. His wife at the time was pregnant. In HS he cheated on his then g/f with his wife. Now his wife was being cheated on with another woman. They ended up divorced and he married the coworker. They now have twins together. I lost all respect for him and her after that. I'm sitting back just waiting to hear when he's going to stray again.

Cheenomae · January 2014

@dimples12, DH is constantly telling me the same thing and honestly it makes a huge difference. His upbringing was so much different than mine. His parents are still married and he has never seen them fight. Now, 30 something years later, they have nothing in common and are rarely together, but it seems to work for them. It's been good for communication for DH and I because we know that we never want to put our kids through the same upbringing I went through and DH can say he also doesn't want them to witness the things he's witnessed. Ie., the lack of love for each other. His parents love one another, but I cannot imagine that they are in love.

I have a ton of bitterness with my mom from some life events as well. DH used to ask me how I don't just hate her and I'd tell him she did her best. Since having kids though I find myself sometimes almost hating her. Then I remember that she's my mom and I ultimately love her. I will do everything in my power to have a healthy relationship with my kids and nothing like I have with my mom. Sounds like your mom placed your grieving onto herself and made it her situation to grieve about instead of being there as your support instead. I realize your mom needed to grieve that loss, but it's ultimately your loss, not hers. Our moms sound way too similar so I'll cross my fingers for both of them to find lasting happiness. It's probably not in my mom's cards though.

I'm happy you found such a strong love with your DH. He sounds like a great, tender man!

Yes, let us start a club. I feel like our AA meetings...what would they be called... SSMA (shit show moms anonymous) would be way too full of laughter, tears, laughter. Good stories to be told!

Pokedot · January 2014

BPer said:

I'm kind of a crazy bitch though.

There was a girl who worked for H, that would flirt with him on the regular, text him about non-work-related things, etc. H really is completely aloof when it comes to these things. Had she been attractive, maybe he would have noticed, but she was pretty trashy.

She made this mistake of making a comment about how he 'sure could wear a white shirt' one day and I overheard. I had him fire her.

6 months later, she texted him asking if she could have her job back. I handled that one. No bitch, you cannot have your job back.

Love this! Obviously she knew he was married. I wonder if sometimes people think it's OK to flirt with married people. It's "safe" in their eyes no?

Cheenomae · January 2014

Pokedot said:

BPer said:

I'm kind of a crazy bitch though.

There was a girl who worked for H, that would flirt with him on the regular, text him about non-work-related things, etc. H really is completely aloof when it comes to these things. Had she been attractive, maybe he would have noticed, but she was pretty trashy.

She made this mistake of making a comment about how he 'sure could wear a white shirt' one day and I overheard. I had him fire her.

6 months later, she texted him asking if she could have her job back. I handled that one. No bitch, you cannot have your job back.

Love this! Obviously she knew he was married. I wonder if sometimes people think it's OK to flirt with married people. It's "safe" in their eyes no?

Sometimes I feel like women give their husbands too much credit. @BPer, I'm not saying this to you, but your above comment made me think of this. I think husbands act aloof, but that's not always the case. Sometimes it's just innocent flirting and the married man in the situation likes the attention, as do some married women, which I think is natural, but they know it's not going to get out of control because they aren't going to let it. If the wife finds out or sees innocent, flirty texts of course the husband/wife is going to act aloof. "Oh, I had no idea they were trying to flirt with me."

Cheenomae · January 2014

duplicate post.

willy_gert · January 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

*disclaimer*

May not have been sane at the time.

still up for debate.

It's the fucking badge bunnies though! They know 9 times out of 10 that the guy is married, but all they see if the fucking badge! Sorry, we have dealt with a few of those in our town and you don't want to mess with an officer's wife in Small Town USA, because they will all come after you!

BPer · January 2014

Cheenomae said:

Pokedot said:

BPer said:

I'm kind of a crazy bitch though.

There was a girl who worked for H, that would flirt with him on the regular, text him about non-work-related things, etc. H really is completely aloof when it comes to these things. Had she been attractive, maybe he would have noticed, but she was pretty trashy.

She made this mistake of making a comment about how he 'sure could wear a white shirt' one day and I overheard. I had him fire her.

6 months later, she texted him asking if she could have her job back. I handled that one. No bitch, you cannot have your job back.

Love this! Obviously she knew he was married. I wonder if sometimes people think it's OK to flirt with married people. It's "safe" in their eyes no?

Sometimes I feel like women give their husbands too much credit. @BPer, I'm not saying this to you, but your above comment made me think of this. I think husbands act aloof, but that's not always the case. Sometimes it's just innocent flirting and the married man in the situation likes the attention, as do some married women, which I think is natural, but they know it's not going to get out of control because they aren't going to let it. If the wife finds out or sees innocent, flirty texts of course the husband/wife is going to act aloof. "Oh, I had no idea they were trying to flirt with me."

Haha my husband actually IS that aloof. And he doesn't appreciate attention, it makes him uncomfortable, totally the opposite of me. But I see what you mean.

Cheenomae · January 2014

BPer said:

Cheenomae said:

Pokedot said:

BPer said:

I'm kind of a crazy bitch though.

There was a girl who worked for H, that would flirt with him on the regular, text him about non-work-related things, etc. H really is completely aloof when it comes to these things. Had she been attractive, maybe he would have noticed, but she was pretty trashy.

She made this mistake of making a comment about how he 'sure could wear a white shirt' one day and I overheard. I had him fire her.

6 months later, she texted him asking if she could have her job back. I handled that one. No bitch, you cannot have your job back.

Love this! Obviously she knew he was married. I wonder if sometimes people think it's OK to flirt with married people. It's "safe" in their eyes no?

Sometimes I feel like women give their husbands too much credit. @BPer, I'm not saying this to you, but your above comment made me think of this. I think husbands act aloof, but that's not always the case. Sometimes it's just innocent flirting and the married man in the situation likes the attention, as do some married women, which I think is natural, but they know it's not going to get out of control because they aren't going to let it. If the wife finds out or sees innocent, flirty texts of course the husband/wife is going to act aloof. "Oh, I had no idea they were trying to flirt with me."

Haha my husband actually IS that aloof. And he doesn't appreciate attention, it makes him uncomfortable, totally the opposite of me. But I see what you mean.

Oh, I get it. My DH is the same way, also totally opposite of me. I just think it happens a lot, in general!

BPer · January 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

willy_gert said:

LoisLayn23 said:

*disclaimer*

May not have been sane at the time.

still up for debate.
It's the fucking badge bunnies though! They know 9 times out of 10 that the guy is married, but all they see if the fucking badge! Sorry, we have dealt with a few of those in our town and you don't want to mess with an officer's wife in Small Town USA, because they will all come after you!

This chick totally is too. I blatantly told him that he wasn't anything special, that she was after the thrill and that he wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last.

Fucking sluts, I tell ya.

Gross. She should consider herself lucky that you didn't cut a bitch.

Cheenomae · January 2014

LL, I use the word "innocent" flirting loosely. I realize it always starts out as innocent and then often times because something so much more hurtful. I still think there is such a thing as fun, innocent flirting that never has to go beyond just that.

BPer · January 2014

I sometimes worry that people will go after H for his money. His family is well-known in our area, and between him, his brother, and his cousin, he's really the only attractive one.

There were literally pissed off mothers when we got engaged because they hoped their daughters would marry him.

I take a proactive approach, and try to come off quite bitchy and terrifying.

Unknown · January 2014

This content has been removed.

MarisaKathleen · January 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

alicia_nr said:

MarisaKathleen said:

I guess I'm in the minority. I look at it differently given my past. If he was going to try and work on it, yes, I'd try to work on it.

I also think having a fling is very different than having an affair.

And I'd like to think that if my husband found out that I cheated that he'd want to work it out with me.

It shocks me that so many of you ladies are all "nope, i'd just leave." Maybe it is because of kids, but I could never just walk away without exhausting all of my other options, especially if I really felt like he still loved me.
I'm so black and white because I believe in communication. If he feels we are lacking in the bedroom, doesn't get enough attention, isn't attracted to me, etc etc - I want him to communicate that to me so we can fix it, not hop into bed with someone. I think lack of communication is one main reason cheating occurs, but that's just me. And yes, if he is willing to throw away his marriage and family for lust, then I will walk away. I would be heartbroken, but it is that way it would be.
Uh, I think we all believe in communication.

Yea. We believe in communication too, but your husband must be amazing if he opens up and has those kinds of conversations with you. My DH would never tell me, "Gee Marisa, I really wish you'd pay more attention to me in the bedroom." That's just not how he's built. My best guy friend would, but he practically has a vagina.

willy_gert · January 2014

MarisaKathleen said:

LoisLayn23 said:

alicia_nr said:

MarisaKathleen said:

I guess I'm in the minority. I look at it differently given my past. If he was going to try and work on it, yes, I'd try to work on it.

I also think having a fling is very different than having an affair.

And I'd like to think that if my husband found out that I cheated that he'd want to work it out with me.

It shocks me that so many of you ladies are all "nope, i'd just leave." Maybe it is because of kids, but I could never just walk away without exhausting all of my other options, especially if I really felt like he still loved me.
I'm so black and white because I believe in communication. If he feels we are lacking in the bedroom, doesn't get enough attention, isn't attracted to me, etc etc - I want him to communicate that to me so we can fix it, not hop into bed with someone. I think lack of communication is one main reason cheating occurs, but that's just me. And yes, if he is willing to throw away his marriage and family for lust, then I will walk away. I would be heartbroken, but it is that way it would be.
Uh, I think we all believe in communication.

Yea. We believe in communication too, but your husband must be amazing if he opens up and has those kinds of conversations with you. My DH would never tell me, "Gee Marisa, I really wish you'd pay more attention to me in the bedroom." That's just not how he's built. My best guy friend would, but he practically has a vagina.

This made me LOL. Same here, we talk about it, especially if I am feeling like he is wanting more than I can give or he feels that we aren't doing enough.

I guess I would feel like I would know if my DH cheated because he wouldn't be all over me all the time.

melody921 · January 2014

cheeseandrice said:

For another perspective. I resented my mom almost as much as my dad when I was a teenager. My dad for cheating, obviously... my mom for staying with him until the bitter (and I mean BITTER) end.

Neither is healthy.

Agree completely.

MarisaKathleen · January 2014

@willy_gert, I totally get that. I do most of the talking when I'm having some feelings. DH will nod appropriately, and occasionally offer some pearls of wisdom, but to really get him to open up, it doesn't hurt if he's had a few beers. :-)

I am more popular than my DH...I have a really wide circle of friends, I know a lot of people and I am more outgoing than he is, so I have no trouble meeting people. I could totally see him being worried about me cheating on him way more than I ever think about him screwing around on me.

Eastie156 · January 2014

SpoofLeJones said:

I think it's really fucking easy to say that something is a deal breaker until you're actually faced with the situation. It's not as black and white as people think. There are so many things that factor into situations like this and you just have no way of knowing until you're there.

Eastie156 · January 2014

Eastie156 said:

SpoofLeJones said:

I think it's really fucking easy to say that something is a deal breaker until you're actually faced with the situation. It's not as black and white as people think. There are so many things that factor into situations like this and you just have no way of knowing until you're there.

Eastie156 · January 2014

I don't know why my quote tree isn't working. I agree with Spoof. I don't think you quite know what you'll do until you are faced with a cheating spouse.

Eastie156 · January 2014

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1fish2fish · January 2014

I'd like to say I'd stay and work on things, but I can't imagine ever truly forgiving and/or forgetting the betrayal. And if I couldn't recover from that I can't imagine not holding it over DH's head for the rest of our marriage....and what kind of marriage would that be for either of us?

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