Advice...support...bad week :(

Maxsmommy123112 · January 2014

2nd posting on PGAL this week...just need extra support these days!

A little backstory, last time I was pregnant when I miscarried DH cousin outed us at a family function.
That same day we found out one of his other family members was pregnant too and our EDD were a week apart. I was ecstatic because I had someone to share my pregnancy with when pregnant with DS and it was amazing! The first few month were great. We talked baby names and I told her we had picked Mason for a boy. Obviously I ended up losing the baby.

A few weeks later she found out she was having a boy and announced she would name him Mason. My heart sank. It's hard enough for me to see her belly growing and see all her ultrasounds but on top of that she used the name I told her we chose?! I have never talked to her about how I feel.

Well a few more months have gone by and I have tried to be as supportive as I can. She asked me to do the candy table at her shower and because she helped so much with mine with DS, I agreed. I bought all the stuff and put so much work into the table but I can't help but feel like I just don't want to go. It's this weekend. I feel awful for being this way but I'm still hurting so much. And now that I am spotting with this pregnancy and I have so much on my mind I am almost in tears daily.

Would you go? How do I handle all this?

Thanks for all your support.

kdrr1201 · January 2014

I cant even imagine how hard this if for you. I am astounded that she would use the name you picked out after you lost the little one.

I think was she did was very hurtful and I completely understand you not wanting to go...but if it were me I would still go. The shower is about that child and that child had nothing to do with her decisions.

Maybe just skip out early.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this...I am sure this is not an easy time.

2redtulips · January 2014

My heart is in my throat just reading that. You are a sweetheart for agreeing to help, but I wouldn't blame you one bit if you decided not to go. If you're not up for it, don't put yourself through it. The candy table can take care of itself.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Heeb918 · January 2014

That's pretty messed up. I cannot ever fathom taking someone else's name after knowing that person lost their baby. I'd say honestly I would go but keep my distance and make sure she is aware that something is wrong...but I tend to be quite passive aggressive in situations like that.

cawettig · January 2014

My heart is breaking for you. I really do not understand why she had to use your name. I am struggling with what I would do too if I was in your situation. One part of me would want to tell her how she hurt me and why I needed distance from the pain of loosing the baby. Then the other part of me would put a blank stare on my face at the party and be very disconnected from it. I don't think I could go.

Maxsmommy123112 · January 2014

I should add I won't just not do the candy table. I just would send someone to set it up and say I wasn't feeling well...

I don't want to go and be mad at her. I don't want to go and cry. It's not about me. It's about her and that beautiful little baby that I am genuinely already in love with.

I am just having a hard time because of the obvious, my baby would have been born soon...and my current pregnancy isn't going well and I am terrified it's happening again. I have been crying all day because the spotting is getting worse, just like last time.

I feel so guilty but I am hurting so much I don't know if I can't take it emotionally.

Okiewife2011 · January 2014

I would just send somebody else to set up the table and have them explain you aren't feeling well. If they ask about details you could have the person say you think you might be coming down with the flu and you don't want to expose her to it. Take time for yourself and be good to you. After all, the most important people in your life right now are you and your LO. Sending you so many giant ((Hugs)) today.

Maxsmommy123112 · January 2014

ninthgirl said:
I think your plan - to send the candy table with someone else - is fine. I can certainly understand your choice given the circumstances. Big ((hugs)).

When you are up to it, which may not be for a while, I would also let her know that her choice of a name you'd shared as one you wanted for your lost baby (we call our lost babies by the names we chose for them, so to me that would actually BE my baby's name) was hard. I wouldn't ask for an apology or an explanation, just let her know that it hurt and let her react as she will. She ought to know that she did something to break your relationship. Like I said - wait until you are up for it in case she says something unintentionally hurtful in response.
</blockquote

that is why I haven't said anything. I do think it was heartless of her but when she announced the name all I could do is cry. I wasn't even mad I was just devastated and thought instead of having a fight I should just grieve the loss of my baby. I couldn't have handled her then anyway.

Then I got pregnant and I didn't want the stress of the argument either. I also don't want to stress her because she is pregnant. I will say something, though, when the time is right.

tbiscuit18 · January 2014

You poor thing. I can't imagine what you are going through. I think it is perfectly fine to send the candy table with someone else and have them set it up. Not wanting to go is completely valid, as it sounds like there is a lot of unspoken hurt right now; as well as the stress you're experiencing with your own pregnancy.
Sending you many big ((HUGS))

Allison7 · January 2014

I wouldn't go, but I would just send the candy along with someone else, like you said. My mom forced me to go to a shower just a few months after my second loss and it was terrible. I didn't want to spoil her day, but I felt like everyone could see through the fake smile on my face. Everything about the day was forced and if someone really looked at me, they could see it. After the shower, my mother apologized for making me go. She thought somehow that it would make me feel better, but all it did was add to my anxiety.

Since you are having a difficult time this pregnancy, just tell her that you are sick and you don't want to spread it to her or anyone else. I wouldn't care if she is hurt by it because karma is a b*tch and she shouldn't have used your name. If she didn't think about you when she picked the name, then you don't need to worry about thinking about hurting her feelings when you don't go to the shower. I know it is a little bitter, but if there ever is a time to be selfish, it is when dealing with a loss. GL!

mmhusted · January 2014

My family and friends know I don't go to baby showers anymore. (last one I went to I turned into a sobbing mess and Im not a crier) I usually send a nice present with a friend or sister and make sure the card says that I look forward to celebrating when the baby comes. I guess I'm saying it's ok to skip the party. It's ok to leave early. It's ok to feel however you do.

pineconey · January 2014

Big hugs to you for sure!! What a tough thing to have to work through.

jgreig83 · January 2014

I can't even imagine going through all this. I, personally, would not go. My SIL and I are pregnant now at the same time (1 week apart) and early on when I was spotting lots and thinking that we were miscarrying again I was distraught. Both of the thought of losing our baby, and that I would then be forced to watch my niece/nephew be born, celebrated and grow up, knowing that ours should be the same age. I know it might be selfish, but I would go and set up the table and then excuse yourself early.

T&P to you for a positive outcome with this pregnancy.

ZAngel · January 2014

I honestly can't imagine being in your position right now. I'm not sure how I would feel but I know it would be difficult to be as supportive and caring as you are. You are an amazing friend and I really hope things get better for you in this pregnancy ((HUGS))

kate6214 · January 2014

((((hugs)))) if you aren't up for going. Send the supplies with someone. It's not going to be that hard to set up and there is no good for you to force yourself to be there if you are miserable. Feel better

nyg2042 · January 2014

Wow...just wow. You have to do what feels right for you. I skipped my best friend's shower because it fell on my EDD. I knew that I just couldn't handle it, and being emotional would detract from her big day. Do what feels right for you. IMO, if she didn't show you the consideration of not using your name, I wouldn't worry about what she thinks.

Maxsmommy123112 · January 2014

Thank you all for your advice...I dont really have anyone to talk to about PGAL issues so this site and you girls are all I have. I am so grateful. This is a tough week. I have an appointment on Thursday to see if my baby still has a heartbeat. My instinct is to not go regardless because I dont want to breakdown thinking about my angel baby but I think I will see if I feel any better after my appointment. My heart is heavy today but maybe by the end of the week I will get some good news and be able to put on a happy face. It was really good to hear ITS OKAY to not go and ITS OKAY to be selfish because I have a really hard time with that. PLEASE send heartbeat vibes my way for Thursday.

MsAmandaPants · January 2014

I am so sorry. I think it is terribly cruel that she took your name. You've gone above and beyond. Is there a mutual friend you can hand off the candy table set-up to? I think you need to think about you and put yourself first. I'd stay home.

ksulli · January 2014

I have nothing to add but hugs and good luck for a HB. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Let us know how the HB (and shower skipping) goes.

Serenla · January 2014

Okiewife2011 said:
I would just send somebody else to set up the table and have them explain you aren't feeling well. If they ask about details you could have the person say you think you might be coming down with the flu and you don't want to expose her to it. Take time for yourself and be good to you. After all, the most important people in your life right now are you and your LO. Sending you so many giant ((Hugs)) today.

This, if you do not think you can handle it I would send someone else with the candy ((hugs))

LifeofCat · January 2014

You take care of YOU. Do what's best for your heart and mind (((hugs)))

MamaWombat · January 2014

As my mother says, there really are times when it's okay to lie. If you're not feeling up to it, having a case of the stomach flu this weekend may be just the solution you need. And especially since you have someone else to take on the candy-related tasks. there isn't the least need to feel bad about it. (((hugs))) I hope that Thursday brings you good news.

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