Punishments- Shaming

JoJo716 · January 2014

I know we have talked about spanking before but what are your thoughts about punishments that use humiliation? One of my friends posted a video to Facebook and it was of a mother following her middle school aged daughter around all day and basically being loud and embarrassing. The mom made it clear the girl was not acting right in class and that is why she was following her. She also posted it to Facebook as well. I have seen other punishments where parents make their kids wear signs on corners detailing their behavior or making them wear "ugly" clothes to school. I know misbehavior needs to be dealt with but I would be concerned about the long term effects of a public shaming. However, I have never parented a teenager. What do you think?

CNJ4EVA · January 2014

I try to live by the "never say never" mantra, but I don't think I'd do it. When I was young, my friends were my life. Not being able to see/talk to them was the worst punishment ever. I think that's going to be my go to disciplinary action.

That said, when I hear of or see a kid/teen having to wear one of those "I stole from here" signs outside the store, I always think it serves them right.

emmy236 · January 2014

Ehh I'm kinda on the fence about this. I would like to think I wouldn't have to use those tactics but teenagers are crazy. I don't think it's ok in most situations. I think it's a fine line between discipline and abuse. But like in the case with the girl who bullied other kids and the mom made her hold up a sign on Facebook, I think that might have worked. I'm assuming the parents were at their wits end and were horrified they had a mean girl on their hands. If I had an out of control child who I truly was worried about heading down a dangerous or bad road, I'd look at all my options.

bumpuser3155624 · January 2014

Whatever happened to grounding from such and such activity, item, event?

blush64 · January 2014

I don't think I would do something like that. I have never done anything like that with my sons.

I would need more information about this sort of thing from someone who has studied how the kids involved are affected. My first reaction says this isn't something I would do with A.

It just seems like an immature response to misbehaviour.

jayro10 · January 2014

This article nicely sums up my opinion.

https://pebblechaser.wordpress.com/2014/01/07/destroying-your-childs-heart-one-fb-picture-at-a-time/

TradeMama · January 2014

Absolutely not! I have a teenager and even though he drives me crazy sometimes, shaming is unacceptable. Kids need to feel accepted-- especially by their families. There are better more effective ways to punish.

JoJo716 · January 2014

Agreed @trademama I also think the parents do it sometimes to be aw's. For example, the video I was talking about spread and now everyone is saying the mom is "amazing" and mother of the year. The parents seem to get a lot of positive attention for themselves when they post these things on social media.

JoJo716 · January 2014

jayro10 said:

This article nicely sums up my opinion. https://pebblechaser.wordpress.com/2014/01/07/destroying-your-childs-heart-one-fb-picture-at-a-time/

That is a great perspective. I really liked the part where they flipped it and put the potential signs adults would have to wear.

huzzahuzza · January 2014

jacqueandadam said:

Whatever happened to grounding from such and such activity, item, event?

Social media and technology has made that incredibly hard. Do-able if you're creative and can remember all the ways your kid can communicate with their friends.

I'm not saying this is a good way to punish your kid but the same old grounding doesn't quite cut it anymore.

brandi3207 · January 2014

I don't agree with it. We're constantly telling young people to be careful about what they post since it never goes away and anyone can see it. Why on earth as an adult would you use the internet to broadcast a child's punishment for all to see. Teenagers can do a lot of stupid things but what happens later down the road when trying to establish a career. A quick Google search and a future employer can easily come across an embarrassing video or pic of a punishment received back in your teens. As a parent I would feel awful if this somehow came back to bite my child in the ass as an adult. I would also worry about repercussions from teasing and bullying. Kids can be relentless I certainly wouldn't want to be the one providing the ammunition against my own child. I just don't think it's necessary and I think it could cause more harm than good.

Boo0512 · January 2014

I said it in another thread but the worst punishment I ever had was hard, physical labor. That got the point across! I was spanked when I was younger but the physical labor punishments came when I was older. Effective!

I don't think I would publically shame though. I especially wouldn't post anything on the Internet, it will haunt those kids forever.

Edited posted too soon.

Lolalipsy · January 2014

Absolutely not! Making them wear signs and ugly clothes is basically abuse.

Lolalipsy · January 2014

jayro10 said:
This article nicely sums up my opinion.

https://pebblechaser.wordpress.com/2014/01/07/destroying-your-childs-heart-one-fb-picture-at-a-time/

Great article.

LaxMOM44 · January 2014

No way. First of all I don't think embarrassing your child does anything but reinforce the idea that they are lesser than you. I want to make sure she is never afraid to come to me when she fucks up or when something is bothering her so I want to have her actively involved in her punishment. It's sounds crazy but when we got older my parents used to ask us what we thought was an appropriate punishment. Sure we never said anything drastic but it made us more cognoscent of the fact that we had done something wrong and not just our parents "being jerks".

Second I agree that posting a video to Facebook can be damaging an I also worry so much about bulling. What if you post something embarrassing and your child starts getting made fun of. You could indvertantly cause your child to have low self esteem or worse. Anyways what do I know I'm not a child psychologist.

Schell2013 · January 2014

I don't think it's necessary. I think taking away cell phones, being able to go to friends houses and having to do extra chores is more effective than that.

surpriseaddition · January 2014

I have 2 teenagers and would never consider doing that. To me, being an effective parent means building up your children and coaching your children in making good choices...so that when they are teenagers they aren't doing the types of activities these parents are broadcasting in the first place.

D&S724 · January 2014

I wouldn't do it. Taking things away from them would be a far more effective punishment. I can't imagine what my kid could do that would warrant being humiliated by his own parents in front of his peers.

coffeeandbooks · January 2014

I am not on board with the shaming trend...I think shame is a destructive tool and could cause long term anger issues for the kid.

mommatotwo2 · January 2014

huzzahuzza said:

jacqueandadam said:

Whatever happened to grounding from such and such activity, item, event?

Social media and technology has made that incredibly hard. Do-able if you're creative and can remember all the ways your kid can communicate with their friends.
I'm not saying this is a good way to punish your kid but the same old grounding doesn't quite cut it anymore.

I haven't read through the whole thread yet, but I totally disagree with this. Take away their computer and their phone if they have them and you've essentially eliminated technology from their lives. Also, you can still ground them from going to so and so's party, from the school dance, from the concert, etc.

CNJ4EVA · January 2014

I was myopic in my original viewpoint when I said it serves them right to have to wear a sign stating their thievery in front of the store.

I wasn't thinking long term ramifications. While they should be ashamed of themselves for that action, and wearing that sign would certainly accomplish that, the potential of being filmed/photographed and having that media last (and potentially haunt them) for a lifetime is not right.

blush64 · January 2014

I talked about this at home. Instinct said I could not do it, and through experience I have never done anything like it to my older kids. My husband agrees. I still think professionals, doctors, someone needs to comment on it. Maybe send a message as to what this can do to kids and offer alternatives.

I think it is sad some parents get to the point where they would feel this is the best option. And sometimes good kids, with good parents become difficult and hard to manage teens. It can be so hard.

JoJo716 · January 2014

I am glad to see everyone here is in general agreement that it is wrong. When I watched the video, it made me feel uncomfortable but I wasn't sure if my reaction was normal. I agree @blush64, I really think professionals need to comment on this growing trend. All of the comments on the video my friend posted were extremely in favor of the mom (I thought I was the strange one for thinking it was wrong!) and the sad part is that most of them were teachers! I think people in general do not realize (or think about) the permancy of the internet.

surpriseaddition · January 2014

JoJo716 said:

I am glad to see everyone here is in general agreement that it is wrong. When I watched the video, it made me feel uncomfortable but I wasn't sure if my reaction was normal. I agree @blush64, I really think professionals need to comment on this growing trend. All of the comments on the video my friend posted were extremely in favor of the mom (I thought I was the strange one for thinking it was wrong!) and the sad part is that most of them were teachers! I think people in general do not realize (or think about) the permancy of the internet.

I'm a teacher....and I think the shaming is wrong. I hate when teachers do stupid things or say/agree with something and it always makes all teachers look bad. I don't shame my biological teens, nor my students. It's not effective discipline. I would think the majority of teachers agree with me.

JoJo716 · January 2014

JoJo716 said:

I am glad to see everyone here is in general agreement that it is wrong. When I watched the video, it made me feel uncomfortable but I wasn't sure if my reaction was normal. I agree @blush64, I really think professionals need to comment on this growing trend. All of the comments on the video my friend posted were extremely in favor of the mom (I thought I was the strange one for thinking it was wrong!) and the sad part is that most of them were teachers! I think people in general do not realize (or think about) the permancy of the internet.

I'm a teacher....and I think the shaming is wrong. I hate when teachers do stupid things or say/agree with something and it always makes all teachers look bad. I don't shame my biological teens, nor my students. It's not effective discipline. I would think the majority of teachers agree with me.

I was a teacher and I agree with you. It does always seem like the negative actions of teachers are spotlighted and the good ones never receive enough attention. In this case, I don't think the teachers are bad, I think they are misguided. The school I taught at had very, very low parental involvement. Most of the parents were apathetic about the education of their kids and had no interest in their time at school, whether academic or behavioral. So I think even if this video was shown to all of the teachers at my old school, most of them would like it and support the mom. Not because they necessarily support public shaming, but because they want parents to care so badly and it seems like this mom is putting in "effort." That is where I think the education from professionals comes in. I think if more awareness was spread about the effects do public shaming, most people (including teachers) would be less likely to hit the "like" button.

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