Getting seriously annoyed with DH.

bglovesbabyk · January 2014

Ok how do you guys divide up MOTN care for LO?
Obviously there are huge differences between those who FF and those who BF. I entirely FF now and am getting tired of doing almost everything at night. My DH usually gets up while I am changing LO, he makes the bottle then sneaks off to the bathroom, leaving me to feed the baby. By the time it's time to try to get LO back to sleep after feeding DH is snoring.
I haven't complained much because he is back at work but and I'm not till Monday. When I get back to work things HAVE to change.
I'm especially irritated right now because I came down with a cold last night and he still is leaving 90% of Lo's care to me. I don't feel like fighting in the middle of the night but, Jesus, step up!!!
So how do you guys handle this stuff? Need some advice while I sit here and listen to him and LO snore, while I feel like crap .

Chargersgrl33 · January 2014

We FF ODS and when I was on maternity leave I took all of the feedings. When I went back to work DH took the first half of the nigth and I took the other half. When ODS went to one feeding at about 2-3 I took that feeding because I woke up when he woke up anyway so I may as well feed him. It was always so quick though. 10-15 min max.

If I were you I would probably just have a talk with him and maybe work out a plan now for when you go back to work.

dobrydney · January 2014

I second talking to him. My DH actually always does the MOTN feed (we are FF). I am terrible at waking up and he can be done feeding her by the time I start. But...it is something we discussed and have the standing rule to ask for help when needed.

Princess_Lily · January 2014

Even when DS was formula fed, I woke & diaper changed every night. On special occasions, or when I was pushed to the brink of exhaustion, DH would take over the early morning feedings so I was able to sleep in. Talk to your DH, men aren't mind readers...tell him and arrange a good day so you could relax a bit.

Jennybabe0706 · January 2014

We ff as well and we split the night. DH does feedings up until 130ish and I do any after. He is back at work right now and I'm still home so it may change after I go back to work and he starts his leave, but that's what we have established right now. Talk to h bc otherwise your are going to end up blowing up on him one day, you know?

brandeeteer · January 2014

We split the night also. DH takes any feedings until about 2 and then I get up for the rest.

Littlemama01 · January 2014

I bf but usually have a bottle available- weighing in because I find if we both get up it ends up being 90% me, but if I just send him, he'll do it all which is the goal! (For that feed). By the sounds of it you are both up, so next time why not just let him go and you sleep (or pretend to, lol).

sla626 · January 2014

We ff. I do all the night stuff but that's because I offer because I'm not working yet. I do prep 2 bottles and leave them in my night stand with a bottle of water to pour into them so I don't have to go to the kitchen in middle of night. Helps me a little.

Karadee1 · January 2014

We alternate who gets up - my H usually takes the first, then I take the next. We get up at 5:30/6 to get out the door by 7, and H usually feeds him at 6 or so, just so LO has something before daycare.

We also share all the daytime duties almost exactly 50/50, of course we don't really keep score to who's doing what, but we work really good together in making sure we're both equally involved with playtime, feedings and diapering.

daniann333 · January 2014

I EP and I would love to say that after we had this talk it got better, but it didnt. I do all the MOTN care. There were a few times DH HAD to do it because I physically couldnt get out of bed I was so tired and he fed DS and brought him to me to put him back to sleep. I have excepted that I am the stronger species and I will be the only one who cares for DS in the MOTN. I may add that we both work full time but I am also in school full time on top of working. It still didnt change. Once I accepted that I am the only one who is going to do this, I stopped hating DH as much. Dont get me wrong, I still get pretty annoyed at times, but not nearly as often.

JamieCallow · January 2014

Well if it makes y'all feel better my husband works nights 10p-6a (usually gets home at 8am) so I have all the nighttime feedings plus all the day time feedings till he wakes up at 4pm:( I do stay at home but it would be nice to have some sort of break! I completely understand everyone's frustration. Good luck ladies!

cagoldi · January 2014

I am still on leave and DH is back at work. I take care of MOTN feedings Sunday night through Thursday night. Friday and Sat night DH gets up with him since he's off work the mornings that follow. If I'm having a rough day I go to bed at 9 once DS is asleep. If the baby wakes up between 9 and 11(rare), DH handles it.

Once I'm back to work in two weeks we'll alternate nights. However, DH has a more demanding job than I do so if he has an important meeting or something the following day I'll get up with the baby even if it's not my turn.

We FF. Hope to re-introduce BM when he's 4 mos. This will be our schedule either way.

bglovesbabyk · January 2014

daniann333 said:
I EP and I would love to say that after we had this talk it got better, but it didnt. I do all the MOTN care. There were a few times DH HAD to do it because I physically couldnt get out of bed I was so tired and he fed DS and brought him to me to put him back to sleep. I have excepted that I am the stronger species and I will be the only one who cares for DS in the MOTN. I may add that we both work full time but I am also in school full time on top of working. It still didnt change. Once I accepted that I am the only one who is going to do this, I stopped hating DH as much. Dont get me wrong, I still get pretty annoyed at times, but not nearly as often.

I have tried this attitude and it is making me very resentful. It sucks because they know we will step up for our babies and use that to be lazy asses sometimes! He is a great dad otherwise so I am thankful for that, but being sick really pushed me over the edge with the night time slacking! Uggggh!!!! Frustrating!

cagoldi · January 2014

OP, it sounds like the current arrangement is making you resentful. Have you told your DH as much?

I think your best bet is to tell him what you need; be specific. Don't just say you want more help. Tell him exactly what he can do and let him know things have to change or your relationship will be affected.

And don't just let it go if it doesn't improve after that discussion. If he doesn't start pitching in more, tell him you're still upset because you've talked about it and he's not doing what was asked. But again, none if this will matter unless you tell him precisely how you want his help and he commits to it.

MWagner10 · January 2014

I SAH so I take the majority of MOTN duties. I also EP so I figure even if DH got up I still have to get up to pump. That being said when I need it I have hands off evenings where all I do is pump and DH will take care of DS, and I get to sleep in on the weekends. So far this is doable, if I really need help though he gets up. Sorry edited: this didn't happen until I had a breakdown, ugly cry, then the talk.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

I don't mind taking the motn feedings only because I am much more efficient at them and can have lo back to sleep much quicker than dh who cannot function without sleep and ends up taking too long so lo wakes up too much and won't go back down.

bglovesbabyk · January 2014

Thanks ladies. You are right, men do need specific instructions. As much as I wish he would figure it out on his own, at tgis point, he needs to be asked. I'm going to be clear before we go to sleep tonight that we need to "practice" a new routine for when I start back to work on Monday. I think he is oblivious to how crappy this cold is making me feel because I'm not obviously visibily sick. That's weighing on me too. But here's to hoping it gets better tonight. Thanks again!!

daniann333 · January 2014

bglovesbabyk said:

I EP and I would love to say that after we had this talk it got better, but it didnt. I do all the MOTN care. There were a few times DH HAD to do it because I physically couldnt get out of bed I was so tired and he fed DS and brought him to me to put him back to sleep. I have excepted that I am the stronger species and I will be the only one who cares for DS in the MOTN. I may add that we both work full time but I am also in school full time on top of working. It still didnt change. Once I accepted that I am the only one who is going to do this, I stopped hating DH as much. Dont get me wrong, I still get pretty annoyed at times, but not nearly as often.
I have tried this attitude and it is making me very resentful. It sucks because they know we will step up for our babies and use that to be lazy asses sometimes! He is a great dad otherwise so I am thankful for that, but being sick really pushed me over the edge with the night time slacking! Uggggh!!!! Frustrating!

Yeah, I had a lot of resentment for a while and still do. My DH is awesome with our 6 year old. Horrible with LO. This will be our last child and that is a decision I made. Its ironic about the being sick part. Everyone caught this nasty cold and everyone got over it but me. Last night DH said "you really need to try to get rid of this cold". I told him I needed sleep to get over it and between the kids, work, school and everything else I do, the 2 hours of sleep a day I get wasnt cutting it. Some DH are great with newborns and some SUCK. We got sucky newborn DH's....lol

kbcrawford11 · January 2014

DH and I worked out a plan so we both get sleep bc he knows the monster I am without it and so is he. We FF. He's a night owl and I'm an early bird. He's self employed, I'm an 8-5 with a 45-min commute. He always does the 11-midnight feed and the 3am feed except for two or three times a week. I do morning routine thru bedtime. I go back to work in almost two weeks, we'll see how it goes. He will do drop off and I will pick up LO bc he works late. I definitely do more housework, all the finances, and more LO care but I try to just suck it up. DH loves our LO but I was the one that really pushed to be a mom at this time in our relationship. It may be sexist but I'll say it anyway. DH can't do what I can when it comes to babies and managing a home. Knowing that and taking pride in it help me with the resentment (most of the time). DH has other strengths that will come in handy when LO is older. LO won't be mamas boy for very long and I will be wishing these times back.

Point: try talking WITH your DH to come to a plan to share MOTN LO care. I say that bc I tried talking TO DH and it doesn't work well. If you try to avoid working something out to avoid argument you'll continue to be miserable. Get it out there.

jegoehle · January 2014

cagoldi said:
I am still on leave and DH is back at work. I take care of MOTN feedings Sunday night through Thursday night. Friday and Sat night DH gets up with him since he's off work the mornings that follow. If I'm having a rough day I go to bed at 9 once DS is asleep. If the baby wakes up between 9 and 11(rare), DH handles it.

Once I'm back to work in two weeks we'll alternate nights. However, DH has a more demanding job than I do so if he has an important meeting or something the following day I'll get up with the baby even if it's not my turn.

We FF. Hope to re-introduce BM when he's 4 mos. This will be our schedule either way.

This is us exactly.

Mum2Be28 · January 2014

I'm not going back to work, so I do all the MOTN feedings. Before LO was born DH got up at 5:30 every morning and left for work around 7:30. So now DH will take LO from 5-7:30am so I can sleep in and then he gets ready for work at 7:30 and leaves house at 8.

My sister and her DH both work, and I think they have a pretty good schedule worked out. My sister goes to bed at 8. Her DH has duty from 8-12pm. Then my sister has duty from 12-4. Then from there it's kind of play it by ear. They sleep during their "shift" if LO is asleep but if not its their job during those times to be up with him. I think on weekends they take turns sleeping longer stints, but my sister still has to pump so it's not like she ever really gets a long stint.

YummeeCookee · January 2014

Since I BF and am still on MATL, I am stuck w all the MOTN feeds. I understand this is my cross to bear for right now so will let DH slide on that one. What I am more annoyed w is that when he gets home from work, he may hold DD for like 30min then he's done and he expects me to care for her the rest of the night. I mean I have just spent all day long with her, I wouldnt mind a break too. This is the part thats making me resentful and I have made comments to him and reminded him that we BOTH wanted this baby and made her so we BOTH take care of her. I am pretty sure he thinks were in the 1950s bc he still doesnt seem to get it.

Gracie1455 · January 2014

I ebf but still have DH help at night by bringing DD to me so I don't have to get up. He also does her MOTN diaper changes. I am still on leave but we have had this system since she was born and will continue when I go back to work. It works for us. I agree with PP about being specific. I still do a lot more in general, but this is one area where the plan was pretty easy to follow for us.

jennifertewart · January 2014

I EBF, so I have to do all the MOTN feedings... but all other duties, DH and I just ask the other to take over or nicely ask "mommy/daddy's turn?" 99% of the time we comply because we know if the other is asking then they really need a break. Since I am not working I try to do the most work but still believe DH needs to help so he can calm DS himself and bond with him!

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