husbands* living child mentioned*

Re: husbands* living child mentioned*

• MaBe member

  January 2014

  Hi StephyMarie. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It is always heartbreaking to receive that news. 

  I think miscarriages are very tricky for husbands. It feels extremely personal for the woman because we have felt every bit of morning sickness or twinge of pain. But for men they just don't have that physical connection to it. It's possible your husband has already grieved the loss since he first learned the news. While you still have a really hard part to go through.

  Before our second appointment, to confirm if we had lost the baby, I told my husband that I envied him a little. He was waiting for the confirmation, but I had to still go through the actual physical miscarriage and I was terrified. 

  Not a lot of my husband's friends knew about our situation so he really felt like he didn't have anyone to talk to about it. But for him it became more personal in terms of what friends are there for him in a time of need and he started feeling pretty lonely when the calls didn't come. 

  My suggestion would be to be very specific with your husband about your needs. Guys sometimes just can't figure us out and what we might need. I told my husband on the day I actually miscarried that I needed to be alone, but that that could change in a minute and I might be calling him to be by my side. 

  If a massage or a dinner out or just a bottle of wine and flowers could help I would tell your husband that these are some simple things he could do to help get you through your sadness. 

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• aezimmerman member

  January 2014

  Sorry for your loss. This is a topic that has come up more than once on this board recently. The consensus is that people grieve differently, and furthermore, the one who was actually carrying the baby experiences more than just an emotional loss. The mom has to deal with the physical pain of a miscarriage, the extra weight that was put on, etc. My healing process is taking longer than my spouse. It was hard, but I was clear with him about where I was and what I needed. He tried his best to be there for me. However, I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and he simply did not. That is when I sought out this board. The women here have been in my shoes and welcomed me with open arms. I got the empathy I was looking for. Perhaps you need to have a heart-to-heart with your DH. Tell him in as simple words as possible how you are feeling and what you need to feel better. At the end of the day, you both need to heal. Find a way to take care of yourself. It is okay to feel frustrated, sad, grumpy, lonely, and/or angry. You are on an emotional roller coaster. Find something that makes you feel just a smidgeon better. I found ice cream and hot baths comforting. Think about what has worked in the past and give it a go. Best of luck and I hope you do feel better.

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• StephyMarie member

  January 2014

  Thanks so much for the advice. It is very helpful.

  Steph

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