How to Juggle being a Pregnant Bridesmaid?

vanifranisani · January 2014

Probably like most of you, I only just recently found out I am pregnant. Though I'm married, this is a surprise pregnancy (I was having estrogen problems that we thought were going to cause me problems conceiving). My due date is somewhere mid-September and I'm set to be a bridesmaid in a wedding in Maine in mid-October. Aside from my husband and the nurses/doctor at my OBGYN, no one knows yet that I am pregnant.

The bride has been engaged for quite some time (Xmas 2012), so I've known about being a bridesmaid for almost as long as well. Yesterday, I received an email from her sister about her bachelorette party, bridal shower and bridesmaid gowns. I already know that I won't be able to attend the bridal shower, which is being held in Maine in September (though obviously I can't yet say that). The bach is going to be held in July and is potentially going to cost each bridesmaid around $400. There is the option between two packages at a spa - one that includes a wine tour (the $400 option) and the other that is just a spa day (a $350 option). Honestly, now with planning for baby, I don't think I can swing a $400 weekend. Obviously I already knew going into this that there would be the cost of the gown, shoes, hair, travel and hotel since I'm on LI and she is in Maine. Is it wrong of me to reply to the sister that I can't really afford a $400 weekend? Especially considering that I won't be able to explain why until mid-March (when we have planned to tell our friends) and definitely won't be able to attend her shower? I might consider the spa package, because at 7 months pregnant I might want a spa weekend, but I certainly don't think I can justify spending $400 on the wine tour/spa package that I won't be able to participate in (the spa portion is only a $50 voucher to the spa, which has the lowest spa option at around $75). If we were just doing the wine tour (which usually cost about $150 on LI) and not also the stay over in the hotel/spa package, that might also be something I would consider. Despite that I still couldn't REALLY participate, at least I would be saving $250.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I've honestly only ever been a bridesmaid once before and I'm not really sure of the etiquette with reciprocating efforts/costs. I'm definitely even less versed in how to be a pregnant bridesmaid.

Maggie-Moo · January 2014

If it were me, I would probably graciously decline from being a bridesmaid. Depending on when they need details for, I would probably try to be a late responder (maybe wait another week or two), but would tell the bride earlier than March so she can make alternate arrangements. With all the caveats it sounds like you won't really be able to participate prior and a month after is pretty short when you don't know how L&D will be, or what kind of a baby you will have (good eater, colicky, etc.) I also think this is a much stronger reason and less open to debate than getting into financials, so that would be my preference. If you decide to stay in the wedding party, you can put your two cents in, but, from my experience, majority rules (unless it is the MOH decision), and it is awkward to be the sore thumb out.

chusum · January 2014

First I wouldn't use her lack of involvement in your wedding to justify being involved/or not involved. That was a while ago, and should be over. Just let that part go. As for your involvement it sounds like you simply can't afford to be so involved in the wedding day activities, and her asking you to be a bridesmaid shouldn't hinge on whether or not you can attend every event. Just say, I'm sorry, but I can't afford the $400 bachelorette party at this time, and when it comes time to RSVP for the shower you will most likely be able to share your reason at that time. Hopefully your friend will understand, if she doesn't then she isn't much of a friend.

rockychryslerb2010 · January 2014

Personally, if you can't afford it, I would just say that. Maybe you aren't the only one and as the bride, I'd hate knowing someone was planning events that my friends couldn't attend because of costs.

I am not a fan of the mental accounting either, I know money is a sensitive topic, but she is your friend. If costs are getting out of hand, you need to speak up. From your post, I can't tell if you don't want to participate because things are truly outside your budget or just because you are going to have to spend more to participate than she spent for your wedding.

AnyMax · January 2014

The only requirement as a bridesmaid is to buy the dress and show up on time. If you don't want to participate in the other events, don't.

Comparing costs and levels of participation is petty. Also, the girl had two weddings, one right after the other. You are having a hard time figuring out the money in your situation, how do you think it was for her? Did she really half-ass it? Because it just sounds like you are bitter that she was more involved in her sister's wedding.

vanifranisani · January 2014

Thanks so much, Ladies! All good points/advice!

I listed the comparative prices and comparative involvement only figuring that people would ask questions like "well, what did she do for your wedding?" - was trying to answer any questions that I might ask a person who posed the same question to me. I don't mind spending more money/giving more effort than was put forth in the other direction. In fact, that's usually the type of person that I am - the one who gives more than they take. Regardless, yes, I think you're all right, just saying I can't afford this at this time might be the best approach. Do you think it'd be good to offer a back up solution (ie: the option above of just doing the wine tour), or should I simply leave it at "I cannot afford this?"

@Maggie-Moo - Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can flat out say that I can't be a bridesmaid... I accepted the "title" over a year ago and had a similar thing happen during my wedding (a bridesmaid was dating one of the groomsmen -- who'd been our friend since elementary school -- and she broke up with him, bailed on the wedding and moved to Florida), so I'd feel terrible being that person to this friend ... I think though, that I may need to maybe let her decide whether she'd like me to step down since I'm going to be a pretty big party-pooper (especially, as you point out, wedding and delivery are so close in timing).

SmarieMcB84 · January 2014

Do what you have to do and what you feel is right. Don't take action based on what she did for your wedding. Everyone's situations are different and when you start comparing money and involvement it gets petty and full of drama, no offense. It's just easier to be happy with whateve decision you make rather than make a decision out of spite. I am pregnant with #3 and am a Matron of honor for my friends wedding in October 2014 as well. My husband is also the best man. It will be insane but I plan on managing it! We are throwing her shower I'm April to throw her off and the just moved into their house so they need stuff anyway. No idea on bachelorette party stuff yet but I'm just anticipating to do whatever she wants! She was not even in my wedding so I can't compare.
Keep your head up and do what you feel is right.

vanifranisani · January 2014

Just saw the additional posts. No, I am not trying to be vindictive in the sense that I'm trying to put one over on her to make up for her lack of participation... I was actually also in a wedding at the same time I was planning my own, so I totally understand the costs of two weddings at once. As I mentioned, I know that sisters take precedence over friends when it comes to weddings.

I neglected to mention that I even told her early on that because she had two weddings and was traveling she didn't have to be part of everything and she insisted she wanted to be and felt I was trying to exclude her. Originally she was going to be at my bach and it was planned around her availability.

vanifranisani · January 2014

lindsayhilleary said:
One last thing. This is your first post on TheBump EVER. This is a supportive community. In other words, GIVE support to GET support. At the very least, an intro would have been nice before you vented to us for 5 paragraphs.

As you have pointed out, this is my first post ever. Idk the etiquette, sorry.

vanifranisani · January 2014

Thanks for the advice! Yes, I suppose you're right. I honestly never thought about the whole actual wedding day portion as I figured I'd be okay a month later.

Emmy916 · January 2014

My friend asked me to be her MOH and her wedding is going to be between June-September 2014. I decided to confide in her even though I don't plan on telling anyone until March. She was sooo understanding and we are trying to work something out because she is not having any bridesmaids and still wants me to be her MOH

AR1of2 · January 2014

Hi and welcome!

I am in a similar position!! So glad I'm not alone (although sorry you are experiencing the same stressors). Our pregnancy also came as a huge surprise. My best friend is getting married 10/4 and I am due 9/14. She's been dating her fiancé for 9 years, so this was much anticipated and I couldn't be more thrilled and excited...and I am experiencing a lot of guilt over the fact that I'll have to be less involved than I wanted to be. Two other bridesmaids of hers popped up pregnant in the last couple months so I feel even worse about it, but they're due in the summer so at least it won't interfere with their ability to actually attend the wedding. Luckily, she has a big bridal party so it is ok in the sense that one set of helping hands that day won't be missed, but we are really close so letting her down personally just breaks my heart.

Nobody but parents/siblings know right now about my pregnancy. My friend's wedding does not involve travel, but my mom and SIL (who birthed my nephew 4 short months ago) said I should absolutely not plan on attending the wedding. I did a post about this a couple weeks ago soliciting advice from other bumpies about birth aftermath. Especially for you, with travel involved, seems like a long shot to attend the wedding. :-/

First, I have been in several wedding parties. There are always girls who decline due to cost, so IMO that shouldn't be a big deal (especially when travel is involved) and you should not feel badly about it.

Second, I plan to tell my friend before we go bridesmaid dress shopping at the end of Feb. That way she can decide whether to have me step down, or whether to play it by ear. As a sidenote, I have NO idea what size dress to even order for 3 weeks after birthing my first baby (and they have to be ordered 6 mos in advance!). I don't even know that I want to spend the $ if it ends up being a waste...it is a tough decision. If I have a csection I sure won't be at the wedding...or if I deliver a week late or idk, anything could go wrong! We also weren't budgeting for a baby at all. Might wanna consider those challenges... Maybe if you decide you can't attend the wedding you can go to one of her earlier festivities and put the wedding attendance $ toward that?

I am attending the bridal shower, which is local in June. No big deal. And the Bach party is a beach weekend so I figure I can lounge on the beach then decide whether to go out at night depending on where/how I feel. The bride's sister is 17, so she'll be back at the beach house happy for company.

If you can't attend festivities, send a nice gift (reasonably priced, of course!) with a heartfelt card and that's really all you can do. I know it sucks to feel like you're letting her down. I think, if you are comfortable with it, you should consider telling her before March. That way she'll have the opportunity to understand where you're coming from and she won't think you're just disinterested now that it's her turn.

Sorry if this is repeat stuff - at work, so I was skimming quickly! Let me know what you decide to do!!

vanifranisani · January 2014

AR1of2 said:

Hi and welcome! I am in a similar position!! So glad I'm not alone (although sorry you are experiencing the same stressors). Our pregnancy also came as a huge surprise. My best friend is getting married 10/4 and I am due 9/14. She's been dating her fiancé for 9 years, so this was much anticipated and I couldn't be more thrilled and excited...and I am experiencing a lot of guilt over the fact that I'll have to be less involved than I wanted to be. Two other bridesmaids of hers popped up pregnant in the last couple months so I feel even worse about it, but they're due in the summer so at least it won't interfere with their ability to actually attend the wedding. Luckily, she has a big bridal party so it is ok in the sense that one set of helping hands that day won't be missed, but we are really close so letting her down personally just breaks my heart. Nobody but parents/siblings know right now about my pregnancy. My friend's wedding does not involve travel, but my mom and SIL (who birthed my nephew 4 short months ago) said I should absolutely not plan on attending the wedding. I did a post about this a couple weeks ago soliciting advice from other bumpies about birth aftermath. Especially for you, with travel involved, seems like a long shot to attend the wedding. :-/ First, I have been in several wedding parties. There are always girls who decline due to cost, so IMO that shouldn't be a big deal (especially when travel is involved) and you should not feel badly about it. Second, I plan to tell my friend before we go bridesmaid dress shopping at the end of Feb. That way she can decide whether to have me step down, or whether to play it by ear. As a sidenote, I have NO idea what size dress to even order for 3 weeks after birthing my first baby (and they have to be ordered 6 mos in advance!). I don't even know that I want to spend the $ if it ends up being a waste...it is a tough decision. If I have a csection I sure won't be at the wedding...or if I deliver a week late or idk, anything could go wrong! We also weren't budgeting for a baby at all. Might wanna consider those challenges... Maybe if you decide you can't attend the wedding you can go to one of her earlier festivities and put the wedding attendance $ toward that? I am attending the bridal shower, which is local in June. No big deal. And the Bach party is a beach weekend so I figure I can lounge on the beach then decide whether to go out at night depending on where/how I feel. The bride's sister is 17, so she'll be back at the beach house happy for company. If you can't attend festivities, send a nice gift (reasonably priced, of course!) with a heartfelt card and that's really all you can do. I know it sucks to feel like you're letting her down. I think, if you are comfortable with it, you should consider telling her before March. That way she'll have the opportunity to understand where you're coming from and she won't think you're just disinterested now that it's her turn. Sorry if this is repeat stuff - at work, so I was skimming quickly! Let me know what you decide to do!!

Ah glad to hear I'm not alone as well and that your situation is really pretty close to spot-on the same! Yes, I really didn't even consider the implications of traveling so close to my due date (the bump calculator estimates Sept 13, but the Dr is going to confirm this Friday) and her wedding date (Oct 11). Maybe I should just suck it up and pay for the bachelorette weekend, and push to get the spa-only package! I'm jealous of your beach weekend, that really does sound much less stressful!

I'm not sure what to do about my gown either. Thankfully all of the BMs are on LI, so she picked out gowns from a location near us. We had already picked them out when she came to visit in early December to find her wedding dress (better selection in NY than ME), so I won't be able to spring it on her during dress shopping. Luckily, though, her sis and SIL are both TTC, so she picked a empire-waist gown as it gives more room for a growing belly (something you can maybe ask your friend to consider?) I also called the shop and discussed my situation. Like you, the woman said we have to order in the next month. I have my fitting appt set for the last weekend in Feb. She said they'll take my measurements and add two sizes. But perhaps as you, and a few other ladies, have mentioned, I really do need to talk it over with her and hash out whether it's really going to be feasible for me to be in the wedding. Would be silly to spend money on a dress I'm not going to use, when I could put that toward the bachelorette party that I'm worried about affording!

I should note, though, that we haven't told anyone yet because my husband is very scared about miscarriage. Not sure why, I'm a relatively healthy person. We have an U/S appt this week, so once we hear the heartbeat (fingers crossed), I think he'll be more comfortable. We're planning to spend Valentine's Day with his mom, so we figured it's the perfect set up to tell at least our parents/siblings!

Definitely keep me in the loop with how things are progressing for you, too!

mrsdanielleM2010 · January 2014

Hello and welcome! In your original post and follow ups, you keep going back to things from the past. I agree with some of the other girls - these things shouldn't influence your choices about how to handle being a bridesmaid or how to participate. At best it makes you seem really cold, and at worst, petty and grudge-holding. I would say to make your decisions based on a)what you think you'll be comfortable doing, b) what you can afford. If I were in your shoes, I'd bow out of bachelorette festivities altogether, and consider filling the bride in and letting her decide if she'd like you to stay a bridesmaid. Your pregnancy is about doing what's best for you and baby, but weddings should be about the people getting married. Don't cause drama.

AccioPizza · January 2014

lindsayhilleary said:
Honestly, I think you should stop comparing costs. That is petty. If you can't go because of $, travel, being pregnant, or any other reason, RSVP no and send your regrets to the bride as well. Constantly comparing costs is going to make you and everyone around you miserable.

ETA: One of my BMs was given airline miles by my dad to fly to my bachelorette party, stayed with my at my parent's house (I had flown in from oot too) and got a free ticket to Disneyland through another friend. (A day at Disneyland was my Bparty) She probably spent <$100 total. I was her MOH and we did a long weekend in Vegas where I spent over $1000. Do I hold that against her? Hell no. It is what it is. Nothing in life will ever equal out financially, so deal with it or just don't go. Don't hold it over their heads or think poorly of them for spending less that you would have to.

One last thing. This is your first post on TheBump EVER. This is a supportive community. In other words, GIVE support to GET support. At the very least, an intro would have been nice before you vented to us for 5 paragraphs.

Gotta be honest, I'm not new to the bump myself but I'm finding this last paragraph unnecessarily harsh. Calm down. It's a message board. She's new.

ve304856 · January 2014

I was due with DS in the beginning of November (2011) and I was in my best friends wedding at the end of September. I had to travel but only like 2 hours. I was still in the wedding. I attended her shower and was in the ceremony. When I ordered the dress i just ordered it big (they gave me a fake bump to try on the dress). It was also a very good dress for being pregnant in. I did not attend her bachelorette party and it wasn't a big deal. It was too costly and it involved a lot of drinking. I would talk to the bride and figure out a plan between the 2 of you.

BethanyAnn27 · January 2014

I would talk to to the bride as soon as you feel comfortable. If she is someone you trust to keep your secret until you go public with the news, tell her very soon. Being open and honest with her will only help you come to a comfortable solution faster. I have a few thoughts on this subject.

First, there are many ways to be a part of the wedding without being in the bridal party. There are readings, greeters, etc. If she really wants you to be a part of her day, but you both feel like it will be too much, suggest some of those other responsibilities. They will also let you pick a dress that will be more comfortable for your changing body and get away if you need to. Just have an open, frank conversation with her about your thoughts and concerns, and if she is a true friend you two will come to a solution that works for you both! For my wedding, there was a girl I really wanted to be involved but she couldn't be in the wedding party. She did a reading at our ceremony, and it was great to have her there and a part of our special day without adding the pressure of being in the wedding party.

Second, bachelorette parties are overrated! Don't get me wrong, I did have one and it was fun, but they don't need to be such a big deal. I had a small wedding party (1 MOH, 2 bridesmaids). My MOH planned the party, and neither of my bridesmaids could make it for financial and scheduling reasons. I also ended up paying for part of the party and drove more than half the group that attended over 3 hours to the destination. It was a fun girls weekend with my college friends. And you know what? It was a blast! We had a great time, only drank a little, and I didn't stress that my bridesmaids couldn't be there or that I-as the bride-had to shell out some money to make it happen. They were able to be a part of other big wedding planning events. Really, don't stress about it. Again, just be honest with people (especially the bride) as soon as possible.

Continue to give your bride friend as much support as you can. That doesn't need to be funding a huge bachelorette party. Just be her friend! Treat the situation like you would want her to do if the roles were reversed and it will go just fine.

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