teaching dh to put ds to bed

PipSqueak0313 · January 2014

Dh has never put a child to bed. Ds2 has been nursing to sleep with me for pretty much his whole life now. Since I am working evenings 3x per week, and I was trying to wean ds2 (that's not going well so weaning will wait) we moved his crib back to his room and we are now going to focus only on weaning from nursing to sleep at night. Last night, after work, Dh and I were talking about the "how to's" of putting ds to bed for the night since Dh tried everything EXCEPT putting him in his crib with the light off. So Dh asked me if he was supposed to put him in the crib and ignore him. Based on the look I gave him, Dh decided that ignoring is incorrect, so he did ask me what he was to do. Gah, I do so much by instinct with ds (and with my older two when they were younger) that I don't think about what I am doing, I just do it. How do you explain to a non-intuitive person how to do things based on intuition? Am I wrong in thinking that I need to develop a bedtime routine for my guys to follow?

I did tell Dh to try putting ds in his crib, with the lights out, and rub ds's back and/or whistle to him for a bit until he falls asleep tomorrow night, btw.

veetveet · January 2014

Why not let him watch you put the baby down?

Emerald27 · January 2014

Nurturing often comes more naturally to mothers, I'd expect.

Can DH wear DS in a carrier and walk around with him to help him fall asleep? Or rock him and sing to him? How old is DS2?

blu-eyedwife · January 2014

Necessity is the mother of invention - he will figure out a way to put your son to sleep!

That being said, when my husband first took over bedtimes (around 6 weeks, when he went back to work so he could have that extra time he missed during the day) he kept the same pattern that the little guy and I had established. Which included "nursing" before bed. Now, obviously DH didn't nurse, but he did offer a bottle a that time, and my son fell asleep. It was an easier transition because it continued what he was used to. Why not keep the milk before bed for right now while DH eases into it and work on weaning that feed later (if necessary - I know my son dropped it on his own)

sugarbear0524 · January 2014

I think you need to give him space to be a parent. He may not put your son to bed the way you would, but he will figure it out. It's time for him to play a more active role and for you to give him the space to do it.

PipSqueak0313 · January 2014

Emerald27 said:

Nurturing often comes more naturally to mothers, I'd expect. Can DH wear DS in a carrier and walk around with him to help him fall asleep? Or rock him and sing to him? How old is DS2?

Dh has balance issues at random times so he refuses to carry ds2 any more than is absolutely necessary as Dh is terrified of falling while holding ds2. Ds2 is 10.5 months. Nurturing is definitely not natural for Dh - he's great with the idea of the husband doing things for the wife to make it easier for her to nurture but he is slower to learn how to care for his son than most fathers.

Dh does rock and sing/whistle to ds2 and that calms ds but doesn't put him to sleep.

PipSqueak0313 · January 2014

sugarbear0524 said:

I think you need to give him space to be a parent. He may not put your son to bed the way you would, but he will figure it out. It's time for him to play a more active role and for you to give him the space to do it.

My objection isn't that Dh isn't putting ds to bed the way I do, it's that Dh is not putting ds to bed at all.

PipSqueak0313 · January 2014

Regal Mama said:

PipSqueak0313 said:

Emerald27 said:

Nurturing often comes more naturally to mothers, I'd expect. Can DH wear DS in a carrier and walk around with him to help him fall asleep? Or rock him and sing to him? How old is DS2?

Dh has balance issues at random times so he refuses to carry ds2 any more than is absolutely necessary as Dh is terrified of falling while holding ds2. Ds2 is 10.5 months. Nurturing is definitely not natural for Dh - he's great with the idea of the husband doing things for the wife to make it easier for her to nurture but he is slower to learn how to care for his son than most fathers.

Dh does rock and sing/whistle to ds2 and that calms ds but doesn't put him to sleep.

How long does he rock him for? The first few times DH put the boys to bed it took HOURS.

Does your husband follow your sleep routine besides nursing? Does he help with the routine when you are around?

I don't have a sleep routine with ds2, that's part of why I was wondering if we need to develop one. If I should, what should be part of a sleep routine for a baby. (I was the only one to put down my older two so I never had to give any thought to how and what I did when with them)

I also figure there will be things that Dh can or will be able to do that I don't know of or can't do so I would never think to try it....like dh's whistling.

PipSqueak0313 · January 2014

Oh, and how long do I tell him to try A before moving on to B in his efforts to put ds to bed?

honkytonk_kid · January 2014

sugarbear0524 said:
I think you need to give him space to be a parent. He may not put your son to bed the way you would, but he will figure it out. It's time for him to play a more active role and for you to give him the space to do it.

This response is rubbing me the wrong way. There is no indication that her H is NOT playing an active role in parenting. Not to mention, it seems as though he is ASKING for direction from her. This response just makes a lot of assumptions.

OP, I would ask H- do you want me to coach you through this or do you want me to give you some ideas and let you work it out? Then go from there. If he wants help tell him all the tricks you know and talk to him about how long you would try one thing before moving on to another- that's a really hard thing to try and teach, but with more practice hopefully he will start to get a feel for it.

Make sure he feels your confidence in him- I believe what really kills dads' intuition is insecurity. I think most of us moms had a realization early on (like, still in the hospital early on!) that even if we didn't have a clue what we were doing, the kid is here and real and ours and we better start OWNING this motherhood role, but I don't think dads always get this opportunity.

Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent, but my point is that especially at 10 months, if your H knows some tricks and feels confident, I would let them figure it out themselves as much as possible. The only suggestion (and maybe others who had more success at transferring bedtime duties to dad than I did can chime in) but do you think it might help if, until lo gets used to it, dad did bedtime every night? I just wonder if it would make it even harder to switch back and forth.

PipSqueak0313 · January 2014

@honkytonk_kid. I think you hit the nail on the head with the insecurity part. Dh is so insecure about parenting ds2 and yet he is a better parent to ds1 than I am because Dh remembers what it was like to be a teenage boy and he can relate to how his father parented him.

Dh will take care of the messiest poopy cloth diaper without issue since it is a simple step by step process that he understands. He can make a bottle with a screaming baby in one hand - but again it's a step by step process. Bath time (in the bathtub) is waiting for ds to be able to stand independently. It's too dangerous for both of them before then, but it's a simple step by step process so I expect no issues when the time comes. Bedtime, so far, is not a simple step by step process. Dh has bedtime duty tomorrow, we will see how it goes. Worse case is ds is still wound up and playing at 1030pm when I get home. Hopefully Dh will either have specific questions that I can answer or be able to identify problems that he had afterwards.

kelli&dave · January 2014

i know i'm no help here. I could have written this post myself. Just wanted to say that everyone's responses were quite helpful.

cyprissa · February 2014

I think you should get a routine going and then let him figure out what works for him. What works for mom and dad can be radically different....it sure was in this house, especially with DS1. Our bedtime routine is pajamas, 2-3 books with the light low and then nursing with the light out. DH follows the routine but he has to pat DS2's butt until he settles. I don't usually. With DS1, DH would rock him after a bottle.

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