STMs - making things fair?

sugarland726 · January 2014

I am having a hard time with wanting to make things "fair" from DD to DS (like when DD was a newborn). Mostly breastfeeding goals. I want to do the same that I did for her, but then feel guilty if I do more for DS than I did for her (or vice versa if I end up doing less). Does anyone else have these feelings? What are you doing to settle them?

moosebaby2011 · January 2014

I understand. Most of my issues have to do with hand-me-downs, though. Just about everything that DS2 has was previously used (including his furniture which was mine as a kid) whereas DS1 got everything brand new. I know it's just the nature of being the second child (not to mention both my kids are boys born in the winter so even the clothes are the right season) but part of me feels bad that we didn't pick out everything especially for DS2 the way we did for DS1. I know I just have to get over it because it's completely impractical to buy new everything just for the sake of buying new.

As for breastfeeding, so far everything is going well but I doubt I'll be able to go as long with DS2 as I did with DS1 simply because I have much more to juggle having two kids at home versus just the one. I don't really know how I feel about it just yet. I'm going to keep setting goals for myself (6 months, 9 months, a year) and every time I meet one I'll reevaluate the situation and see if it makes sense for our whole family for me to stick with nursing.

worleygirl · January 2014

Yes! I'm glad you posted this. With DS I EBF 3 mos then EP 3 months bc he refused breast when I went back to work. If she does the same I'm going to switch to formula. I can't emotionally or physically pump 8-10 times a day and care for 2 kids and work. I've already thought that by doing that, I'm doing a disservice to DD. So far I'm just telling myself that things change and their entire lives won't have the same experiences. DS has been on some awesome vacations to Disney, skiing, Mexico, etc and she won't have the same.

worleygirl · January 2014

Not sure how to edit post on mobile. Just want to clarify I don't think formula is a disservice. I just meant that things might not be the same if they aren't bf for the same amount of time.

cja06 · January 2014

I had those feelings with my boys. I ended up BF longer with my second than my first due to a variety of factors (easier workload, more experience, easier/non-allergic baby, etc.). I try to look at each child as an individual. I feel a lot more guilty like @moosebaby2011 mentioned that DS2 got all hand-me-downs (both boys were born in October so I was able to re-use virtually everything).

I think I will continue to be sensitive about it with this baby because she is a girl and is getting lots of new things because she is a girl. I think it is always going to be there in the background if you have more than one child. I try to keep it balanced as best as I can.

valigrl21 · January 2014

I understand. My guilt is with how much time I am spending with #2. She is so calm and happy, even if I just put her in the RNP. But #1 is a toddler that needs lots of attention, so I think I am always putting her needs first. It's hard to balance the 2 of them and to be "fair". No advice because I am struggling with making things even too. But I do understand!

OSUWifey09 · January 2014

DD is a great baby, but DS is 5 and wants Mommy's attention all the time because he was an only up until three weeks ago, and the adjustment hasn't been easy. I'm working on making sure he gets as much of my attention as possible when he's home and doing housework while he's at school. I'm afraid of how the balance will work once I go back to work, though.

I did not BF DS and was EPing until Friday, when an LC helped me out with DD's latch; I've been EBFing since then. I do feel guilty that I didn't try harder with DS to BF, just like I feel guilty that 30-40 minutes of my time is given to DD when she needs to feed. Balancing is hard.

monkeybutt61612 · January 2014

I have a lot of guilt too, mostly about giving equal amounts of attention. I'm trying really hard to let it go and just do the best I can. They are both young enough to not remember this time and I'm giving them each the love and attention I can given the other one's demands. It's difficult, but it's an emotion within our control.

MrsGraham06 · January 2014

My BFing goals were the same with each child- BF until 12 months. I've only managed it once, I'm hoping it will work again with Scarlett.

While I definitely have other, more detailed goals for BFing, my main concern was doing what felt right and didn't stress me out. DS1 only got BF 50% (or less) of 3 months. DS2 I got to 6 months, and much less formula. DD1, I was successful of reaching 12 months.

JuliaH21 · January 2014

Yes, I was just struggling with some guilt last night. I try to remind myself that being a mom is a learning experience and I did the best for DD1 that I knew how to do, so the fairest thing I can do with DD2 is what I know to be best now. I figure it kind of balances out because I learned a lot with DD1 to help me with DD2, but 1 had me all to herself, which 2 doesn't. I also try to remind myself that they're different and will have different needs so comparing won't do any good. I still feel guilty sometimes, though.

Arrgcr · January 2014

Yes! And #2 isn't even here yet. (Thursday is induction though, woot woot!) I won't be working this time. With DS I worked two jobs and went to school. With LO I will be SAHM. I'm hoping I can EBF because I lost my supply because of my working schedule and classes interfered with my pumping with DS. I'm also thinking about making SOME of her baby food myself. I didn't do that with DS either because of all the interference. I'm also praying she doesn't get acid reflux like my son did because that was horrible.

I feel guilty about all the things I will get to do for her that I didn't with DS but I have to keep telling myself I did the best I could and took on the extra job and finished my associates for him. Now I just need to work on my bachelor's.

ksonne · January 2014

I feel mommy guilt for various things. I BF DS1 and he self weaned at 14 months. I'm putting a lot less pressure on myself this time. I do hope to BF to a year, but I have to balance it with work, giving attention to both boys, and sleep.

I'm also sending DS1 to daycare while I'm home with DS2. I can focus on DS2 during the day and DS1 gets lots of stimulation at daycare. And when DS1 is home, he gets the majority of my attention. So I feel guilty sending DS1 to daycare but I think it's for the best.

And then there are physical belongings. Shouldn't bother me, but some items that DS1 received as a gift, I want to make sure DS2 has as well, ie silver engraved baby cup. And I don't mind that DS2 is reusing all of DS1 clothes, but I did buy DS2 a few new things. Plus I've bought a few coordinating or matching outfits for DS1 and DS2.

I'm just trying to balance things best I can to ease the mommy guilt. I figure a little guilt is inevitable, you just do your best.

jwp325 · January 2014

I'm a FTM but already have some guilt for down the road. I've got supply issues and breastfeeding has been tough. I'm supplementing with formula and have made peace with it. I do feel some guilt over the what if breastfeeding goes more smoothly with our second child someday.

RingOfFire11 · January 2014

Yes, I have these feelings as well about a variety of things. Fortunately, not in the BFing department though because I was never successful with DD1 and so far, am with DD2. DD1 was (and still is) a HUGE Momma's girl and she doesn't understand why I can't do everything anymore. She cries when MH participates in things that I usually do or thinks the baby is hurting me when nursing. However, I did take her out on an ice cream date just the two of us the other night and then we did a bath and book together before bed, like we used to (just us). She is super affectionate now too so I think she really needs the one on one time. Making separate time will be key in our house. Like PPs, I also have the guilt about all the hand-me-downs too.

LittleMommaBlueHen · January 2014

I felt very similar when I had my 2nd baby, but now with 3 kids at home, I am feeling less need to make things fair and more need just to try to maintain sanity.

shortstuff15 · January 2014

LittleMommaBlueHen said:

I felt very similar when I had my 2nd baby, but now with 3 kids at home, I am feeling less need to make things fair and more need just to try to maintain sanity.

100% agree. I did feel slightly guilty with my second that I only breastfed 6 weeks and my first was longer, but I did what worked for our family.

SandFHasse · January 2014

Right now my guilt is when purchasing stuff. If I purchase a new outfit for DS I feel I have to do the same for DD because I don't want her to feel left out.

dunvilles · January 2014

Just remember "FAIR doesn't mean EQUAL".

GL momma!

Unknown · January 2014

This content has been removed.

wifetomrb101 · January 2014

jwp325 said:

I'm a FTM but already have some guilt for down the road. I've got supply issues and breastfeeding has been tough. I'm supplementing with formula and have made peace with it. I do feel some guilt over the what if breastfeeding goes more smoothly with our second child someday.

@jwp325 - this is exactly my situation. BF'ing DD1 was really rough. We pumped and bottled for the first month, then finally got her latching. DD2 latched 10 minutes after she was born and didn't let off for the next 45 and has been super easy to BF. I had some guilt the first day, but since DD1 has come home it's been thankfulness that DD2 is so easy to feed. I can't imagine trying to pump with a crazy toddler that I don't trust with a baby and then have my hands relatively tied up.

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