Too many sleepovers at Grandma's??

bennyandthejets13 · January 2014

Hello ladies! I posted here a couple times and then with the holidays things got a little crazy but I've been back lurking for these last couple of weeks so hopefully you are all ok with me posting again.

Anyways here is my dilemma now. My MIL drives to our house Monday's & Tuesday's, which is about a hour away, to watch DS while we're at work and DS goes part time to a in house daycare the rest of the week. DS has spent the night at MIL'S house a handful of times while me and DH went out of town and went to a concert one time. Last week we let DS spend the night again for the MLK holiday mostly because he had been sick for almost 2 weeks and not sleeping well so we were exhausted and could use a night's sleep. Well now that we let him spend the night just because this one time my MIL expects us to let him spend the night every week!! She's saying the drive is far now so we offered to meet her halfway before and after work but she doesn't want us to wake DS up and drag him out in the cold. I actually don't mind my MIL but she can be overbearing and smothering sometimes and tends to make things about her a lot but she's great with DS and that's all that matters. I'm just not comfortable letting him spend the night every week or even every other week at this point! I know it's a little selfish but I think he should only spend the night with her when we're doing something.

DH does NOT agree with me and all and doesn't see the big deal of him spending the night more regularly, since he was always with his grandma when he was young. Thankfully when it comes to her he does back me up and turns her down without placing all the blame on me but is privately asking me to work out something out with her where he can spend the night more to make her happy. I feel like she is my baby daddy and we're having to come up with some kind of custody arrangement and I don't like that. If it was just up to me I would say forget it and he would go to daycare full time to avoid all the drama but that would start WW3 with her. She came over today but was pissy asking DH why he couldn't spend the night? Do we not trust her now? To me he's only 8 months old and I work full time so I like spending time with him and there's plenty of time for grandma sleepovers in the future. What do you think? Any suggestions for this situation? Sorry if this got too long...

Lolalipsy · January 2014

I couldn't let it be a regular thing. Not because I didn't want them to have her but because I would miss her too much. I would also worry that she would miss us.

I will let E stay over when she's a toddler and can ask herself but not at the minute.

Edit. Missing words.

Karicomo · January 2014

I wouldnt make it a regular thing. I do understand the toll it takes in your MIL and can see why she would want him to sleep over, but thats a lot of time away from him! I would make sure she knows its not because u dont trust her but more because u dont want to have that much time apart and then offer to find alternative care if it is too much stress/issue with her to keep making the drive. You want to make sure she knows its only because of it being a routine thing, cuz u also dont want to lose the occassional overnight for dates!

emmy236 · January 2014

Could you maybe come up with a compromise? Maybe once a month have him stay there and the other weeks have her spend the night at your place? Maybe reverse psychology it and say how having her over is so helpful and you love having the company?

coffeeandbooks · January 2014

well...I am with you..I definitely wouldn't be comfortable with scheduling regular sleep overs...your the mom and he is your baby.
You need to have a talk with DH and get him on the same page, I think.

surpriseaddition · January 2014

I agree with offering to let your MIL spend the night at your house. Also, I would blame "wanting consistency with his nighttime routine to prevent sleep issues" as the reason you're against the frequent sleepovers...but that's just me.

AimeeSue02 · January 2014

Karicomo said:

I wouldnt make it a regular thing. I do understand the toll it takes in your MIL and can see why she would want him to sleep over, but thats a lot of time away from him! I would make sure she knows its not because u dont trust her but more because u dont want to have that much time apart and then offer to find alternative care if it is too much stress/issue with her to keep making the drive. You want to make sure she knows its only because of it being a routine thing, cuz u also dont want to lose the occassional overnight for dates!

I agree with this! I couldn't do it regularly (and I know my H would agree with your H!). Just make sure Grandma knows that she's appreciated and it isn't because you don't trust her - you would just miss your baby. I do believe that it's important to establish your home as HIS home and Grandmas is just during the day (for the most part).

bennyandthejets13 · January 2014

emmy236 said:
Could you maybe come up with a compromise? Maybe once a month have him stay there and the other weeks have her spend the night at your place? Maybe reverse psychology it and say how having her over is so helpful and you love having the company?

I would offer that however I don't have the room. We have a 3 bedroom and my SIL lives with me too so there's only the couch and I don't think she'd go for that. I also give her gas money to help with the drives. I talked to DH and he sees my point of view and will talk to her after to work and let her know it's not personal, she does a fabulous job watching him but he's just too young to be hauling back and forth so regularly. Hopefully she'll understands because there's plenty of times for sleepovers when he's older and I know they'll come a time when he'll probably beg to go over (my nephew's are that way with my mom)

CNJ4EVA · January 2014

We are no longer on speaking terms with my MIL and my mom isn't well enough to do an overnight visit, so it's a non issue for us.

I think once a week is a bit much, but I'd
be okay with once a month or so.

pnutg · January 2014

I don't blame you at all. I would not go for that.

JoJo716 · January 2014

I agree with pp's, I could not handle regularly scheduled overnights. It seems like you have a good plan. Good luck!

miraclemarie · January 2014

I agree with you ladies maybe once a month but to me it would be only when I really need it. My LO has not slept anywhere but our house because of her bedtime routine and I wouldn't want to be apart from her for that long. Good luck!

bumpuser3155624 · January 2014

I wouldn't go for it either. I'd have her stay the night or find out if your pt daycare can take her ft.

MAdams728 · January 2014

I definitely would not be ok with regular sleepovers. I wouldnt be ok with a sleepover right now at all, unless it was an unavoidable situation.

I've watched my SIL go down this road with her kids. They spend every.single.weekend with her parents, and it has caused some issues. It's just unnecessary. I loved staying with my grandparents when I was growing up, but it was a treat, not a schedule.

KLJ3 · January 2014

Our son has actually spent the night at either my parents' or inlaws' house fairly frequently, and once had to spend an entire week with the inlaws. The grandparents live 1.5 and 2.5 hours away. Thankfully, C doesn't have any sleep issues to complicate things, so the overnights have never been an issue for him. He really enjoys his grandparents and they're great with him.

That being said, I would feel a little iffy about an overnight every week just because of the nagging worry involved with him being somewhere else. Even if I got used to it, I'd worry that MIL would become a little too possessive. As PPs have said, maybe a compromise of once a month or every 3 weeks would work (as long as your MIL understands your reasoning, and that you're not shutting her out).

Healthy boundaries are a good thing!

snowgirl427 · January 2014

I say do what u are comfortable with.

I'm also surprised so many LOs have spent the night with family. DS hasn't even spent a night in his own room yet!

JoJo716 · January 2014

snowgirl427 said:

I say do what u are comfortable with. I'm also surprised so many LOs have spent the night with family. DS hasn't even spent a night in his own room yet!

Same here! I am glad we are not alone

bennyandthejets13 · January 2014

KLJ3 said:
Our son has actually spent the night at either my parents' or inlaws' house fairly frequently, and once had to spend an entire week with the inlaws. The grandparents live 1.5 and 2.5 hours away. Thankfully, C doesn't have any sleep issues to complicate things, so the overnights have never been an issue for him. He really enjoys his grandparents and they're great with him.

That being said, I would feel a little iffy about an overnight every week just because of the nagging worry involved with him being somewhere else. Even if I got used to it, I'd worry that MIL would become a little too possessive. As PPs have said, maybe a compromise of once a month or every 3 weeks would work (as long as your MIL understands your reasoning, and that you're not shutting her out).

Healthy boundaries are a good thing!

Ben is very similar to your LO. He's been ST TN since around 3 months with the occasional wake up due to teething or being sick so I'm not worried about that either. He doesn't have separation anxiety either and is pretty easy going as long as he's feed. Lol I worry more about my MIL, she's a little possessive and make things about her a lot. DH talked to her last night and told her he understands she just wants to spend time with him and all but we both work full time and we do too! We agreed we he could spend the night the week after next for now and we would see in the future. He also told her she's free to bow out from driving to our house to babysit while we're at work but she refused that too lol

D&S724 · January 2014

I wouldn't be okay with it, either. You have the perfect reason - as a working mom, you want to spend as much time with your DS as possible, period. Tell her you're willing to work with her to make her life a little easier (because she is doing you a major favor by driving an hour to your house twice a week), but having him stay with her on a regular basis is not on the negotation table.

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