3 Years Too Late

MrsCase1 · January 2014

When we lived in California we had Advanced Healthcare Directives all set up and owned nothing so we didn't fret about a will.

Now, we live in a state where our Directives aren't recognized and we have some modest assets. Plus, most importantly, a KID.

So it is time to finally pull our heads out of the sand and make new directives and a will, determine who will get our kid(s) if we meet an untimely demise at the same time, etc.

An attorney friend is giving us a will for free. And living in TX I worry my directive won't be acknowledged, anyway, if I am pregnant (but that is another story, ugh.) But I am struggling with the whole custodial part of it all. My parents are first but they're in their 50s and not in excellent health. DHs family is not an option. So how do we go about choosing? So stressful! How did you choose who to name?

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · January 2014

We just did our wills last year. Thinking of all those details made my head spin. We don't have any family really close by, so whatever happens, the kids would move to a new city anyways. That made thins easier in a sense because we didn't have to factor that in into the equation.

We chose my brother and SIL because we are closest to them and their values/lifestyle match ours.

melissa0726 · January 2014

We are also still undecided and have not yet named anyone.

I always thought my parents would be a given. I am extremely close with my family, and my parents are still "young" in their 50's. BUT...they both work full time day jobs and spend nights and weekends running their own business. And my dad VERY unexpectedly lost his job last year, and he took a substantial pay cut when he landed a his current job. Plus, my three siblings (ages 30, 26, and 18) all still live with them...it just doesn't sound ideal.

My ILs are wonderful with the kids, and they are very very financially stable. But they are nearly a decade older than my parents. They are in good health, but frankly, they are wiped out after spending a few hours caring for the two of them and chasing around DD1. I have trouble imagining them caring for the girls full time.

My final factor that has been keeping me from putting something on paper is that my mom is a paralegal and writes wills as part of her job. It's a given that she'll write ours when we're ready, and I'm worried she'll get hurt if/when we have to tell her that we're choosing someone else as guardian. I know that we have to put the best interests of our children above this, but it still makes for an potentially uncomfortable situation. So.....after all my rambling....we're still working on this, too.

MrsCase1 · January 2014

melissa0726 said:

We are also still undecided and have not yet named anyone.

I always thought my parents would be a given. I am extremely close with my family, and my parents are still "young" in their 50's. BUT...they both work full time day jobs and spend nights and weekends running their own business. And my dad VERY unexpectedly lost his job last year, and he took a substantial pay cut when he landed a his current job. Plus, my three siblings (ages 30, 26, and 18) all still live with them...it just doesn't sound ideal.

My ILs are wonderful with the kids, and they are very very financially stable. But they are nearly a decade older than my parents. They are in good health, but frankly, they are wiped out after spending a few hours caring for the two of them and chasing around DD1. I have trouble imagining them caring for the girls full time.

My final factor that has been keeping me from putting something on paper is that my mom is a paralegal and writes wills as part of her job. It's a given that she'll write ours when we're ready, and I'm worried she'll get hurt if/when we have to tell her that we're choosing someone else as guardian. I know that we have to put the best interests of our children above this, but it still makes for an potentially uncomfortable situation. So.....after all my rambling....we're still working on this, too.

I think you should casually mention it to her in person. Inevitably the topic of "who" will come up! Great time to lay out your concerns then.

Unfortunately, we have no siblings that would be a good fit.

melissa0726 · January 2014

I know what you mean about finding a "good fit." None of our siblings have kids, and I feel uncomfortable about putting the possibility of parental responsibilities on them before they are ready and before they have had a chance to establish their own families. Choosing a guardian is tough!

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · January 2014

melissa0726 said:

Plus, my three siblings (ages 30, 26, and 18) all still live with them...it just doesn't sound ideal.

When we did our will, DH and I had a hard time picturing life 5, 10, or 15 years down the road. You have to keep in mind that what seems ideal now might not be in the long run, and vice versa. So really, to me, your siblings living with your parents NOW wouldn't be too much of a concern...

Duffgurl · January 2014

Only blood related family we talk to is my DH sis. She means the world to us but she has kids of her own and her lifestyle is so different from ours. We decided on some friends whom are like family. They currently do not have children but are so great with kids and are very loving people.

melissa0726 · January 2014

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha said:

melissa0726 said:

Plus, my three siblings (ages 30, 26, and 18) all still live with them...it just doesn't sound ideal.

When we did our will, DH and I had a hard time picturing life 5, 10, or 15 years down the road. You have to keep in mind that what seems ideal now might not be in the long run, and vice versa. So really, to me, your siblings living with your parents NOW wouldn't be too much of a concern...

You know, you're absolutely right. I keep thinking about this in terms of right now, and it just so stresses me to think of someone, anyone, having to take on the unexpected responsibility of a toddler and a baby. They're a lot of work!

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · January 2014

melissa0726 said:

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha said:

melissa0726 said:

Plus, my three siblings (ages 30, 26, and 18) all still live with them...it just doesn't sound ideal.

When we did our will, DH and I had a hard time picturing life 5, 10, or 15 years down the road. You have to keep in mind that what seems ideal now might not be in the long run, and vice versa. So really, to me, your siblings living with your parents NOW wouldn't be too much of a concern...

You know, you're absolutely right. I keep thinking about this in terms of right now, and it just so stresses me to think of someone, anyone, having to take on the unexpected responsibility of a toddler and a baby. They're a lot of work!

That's for sure. I really hope for my brother's sake DH and I stick around for a while. But statistically speaking, chances are that *if* that part of our will ever comes into effect, our kids will be teenagers, and maybe only Baby Boy will need a legal guardian.

Also, when we did our wills, DH and I agreed that we will need to revisit them every few years in case anything changes.

amywalt1684 · January 2014

My initial instinct was my parents. If something were to happen right now, the kids would be the most comfortable there. They live on our street, the kids have their own beds at their house, they are over there several times a week, my Dad is their next favorite person besides me and DH, and so on. However, looking at the long term picture we went with my husband's sister and BIL. My parents are also in their mid-60's and it wouldn't be fair to them or the kids. My SIL and BIL are the most similar to us in our views and values, they will be financially stable, they love and know our children extremely well. What really sold me was that I KNEW my SIL would ALWAYS make an effort with my family as well. If they had the kids they would make sure my parents and brother (+ his family) would be deeply involved in their lives. All so important to me.

3 Years Too Late

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