Birthmother smoking pot...

Re: Birthmother smoking pot...

• bumpuser794640 member

  January 2014

  If you know you don't want a bm who does drugs and you know the one you're matched with is doing them, it seems to me the only ethical decision you can make is to back out.

  
  
  

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• Dr.Loretta member

  January 2014

  Ditto fred. If you're not OK with any drugs at all, then you should follow through and back out of the match. We were OK with marijuana use, but if you feel strongly about it, IMO you need to follow through. The dishonesty is also concerning.

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• MagickalNarwhal member

  January 2014

  I agree that if you don't want a match with someone who uses drugs then yes, you should back out. That said, does anyone know how far back a positive will refer to? I know there are some drugs that can give a positive on a test even if there has not been very recent use.

  

  
  

  

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• justjinny member

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  I think it's pretty clear that this BM is going to continue to smoke throughout her pregnancy. Maybe talk to your pediatrician about the risks of exposure and then decide if that's something you are ok with or not?
  
  During our match we were concerned about possible drug exposures and talked to our pediatrician before we decided on taking the placement.  We were told that the baby's doctor would test the baby's meconium (first poop) if the baby showed signs of withdrawal or the BM showed signs of use.  This test could show what drugs were used recently prior to the birth, and then we would be able to decide if we wanted to go ahead with placement. 
  
  Our doctor said that low birth weight was a concern with exposure to tobacco & pot. She also said there was no research showing a higher risk of SIDS or asthma when the exposure was prior to birth. 
  
  Sorry this response got so long!  I guess your post hit close to home with me and made me remember how unsettling news like this was.  I really hope you and DH are able to decide what's best for your family.  Feel free to PM me if you want to.
  
  Edit: removed information related to DS & BM (I'd rather not leave anything too personal just floating around on the internetz forever)  Best of luck to you OP in making your decision on this placement.
  

  TTC #1 9/11-12/12, 9/12 Dx: Hypothyroid + DOR (AMH .76), IUI #1 & #2 BFN's
  1/13 Decided to pursue DIA, 4/13 Home study Approved 9/13 Matched!
  10/13 DS home with us! 2/14 TPR completed  5/14 ADOPTION IS FINAL!
  3/14 Surprise BFP 11/14 DD is here!
  
  

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• pleasebeonsale member

  January 2014

  I know it must be hard to even contemplate letting a match go, but if that's something you are not comfortable with, that's the only option because you can't control what she does. You can only control how you react to it. Personally, like many others sad, I would be willing to cautiously go forward, but you'd need to make a plan of how you would react to any given circumstance. That will help with peace of mind.

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• CaptainSerious member

  January 2014

  One of the things you should consider is that some expectant mothers who make an adoption plan will not be honest about their alcohol/drug use, because they may fear that prospective adoptive parents will not want to match with them.  As a result, we were told to be aware that not everything that was self-reported was necessarily accurate, and if someone admits to "occasional" use, to be aware that it might be more than to what they admit.

  
  

  I'm telling you this because if you leave this match and then match with another expectant mother who refuses drug testing (or chooses alcohol instead), you might still end up in a situation in which the expectant mother is using, but you just don't know it.

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• sfeebs13 member

  January 2014

  This might be a UO, and I honestly don't know anything about adoptions, but from personal experience and friend experience, I wouldn't back out. Continue the drug tests and pray she isn't doing any other drugs. that would be my biggest concern. 

  

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• IdigDirt member

  January 2014

  Are they testing for other drugs? You have to smoke a lot more than 1 time for it to show up on a test so but at the same time if she smoked a lot before and gave it up, it could take up to a month to be out of her system. Is there a way to test for alcohol (sorry probably dumb question, I don't know much about adoption)? I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

  
  

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• sgb721 member

  January 2014

  What is her level- is that disclosed? It also depends on how low the testing will come up positive- different drug tests have different limitations.  Are her levels lowering? Are the levels low enough to show periodic usage?
  
  IMO- marijuana comes up positive on the drug testing but smoking doesn't. She could be using marijuana occasionally and then smoking like a chimney but you wouldn't know about it. I wouldn't back out, I would just perhaps have the agency or lawyer ask the BM whats up, if there are other ways you can support her possible anxiety, etc.
  

  TTC since June 2010
  5 Angels
  

  
  

  

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• jelly718 member

  January 2014

  Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts. It's nice to hear all of your ideas and @justjinny - thanks for sharing your experience.  It helps to hear a positive outcome from someone who is in the same boat.
  
  We've told the BM that we "might have to pull out if the tests remain positive".  I'm hoping that makes her think twice about smoking for the next few months. Her OB will be testing her at every appointment and she knows that. We really DON'T want to pull out.  Everything else is going so smoothly and as @CaptainSerious points out... we may end up in the same situation and not even know about it.  To be fair to the BM she does admit when she's asked about it, unlike other stories I've heard where they lie about it (small rays of hope to cling to - LOL)
  

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• Belovedvirgo0209 member

  January 2014

  Hello,Our BM smoked and ate very poorly her entire pregnancy and ended up with gd and still did whatever she truly had that idc attitude when it came to our daughter.Our daughters head was small for her size almost the entire pregnancy it didn't catch up until 2 weeks before the c-section.We have a happy healthy 16 month old that does did/does have a few developmental delays such as didn't do tummy time ,sat up a little later, crawled and walked a little bit later and since birth has made a moaning sound to soothe herself to sleep. She has had a horrible temper since about 6 months so bad you have to literally put her somewhere and walk away and allow her time for herself. She has been very independent didn't want to held a lot she liked her space.She still has some problems like she is very very clumsy to the point i just took her to the doctor yesterday to make sure she didn't have a ear infection because she kept falling down.Now don't get me wrong she is not a unattached child  she loves us very much and shows it daily she has bonded with us.She looks like a normal little girl in fact we get numerous comments while out in public how beautiful she is.But with all that at the end of the day she is our beautiful blessing and we wouldn't trade her for anything she didn't ask for this life but it our job as her parents to make it as best as possible.I think it something you as a couple have to sit down and do the pros and cons and see if this is a adoption you want to continue with good luck and i wish you the best i hope this helped

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• jelly718 member

  January 2014

  Thank you to all for your comments.  Our BM is working very hard to regain our trust and is repeatedly taking home drug tests in between doctor drug tests (her decision, not ours). We are trying to trust her and rebuild our dialogue because in our hearts this little girl is our baby (time will ultimately tell if this is true). She will have all the love and medical attention she needs - should it be necessary.  We are hoping that our BM will do what is best for her baby in the meantime.  Thanks again everyone! :-)
  

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