MIL/Baby Shower Drama

caroline824 · January 2014

I know I'm mostly a lurker but I am wondering if you ladies can help me with something. I'll try not to make it too long...

My MIL texted my H today and told him she wants to come down (she lives out of state) in April and throw me a shower. It's super sweet of her but here are my concerns:

1. A friend has already offered to throw my shower. We really only have one group of friends who basically all know each other so they would be invited to that shower. (Not other family in town except my parents)

2. My mom already tried to co-host that shower. I told her I would prefer her to be a guest partly because I've read it's considered somewhat gift grabby to have a close relative throw your shower (unless there's not really another option). Also because my mom kinda stresses me out and I feel better just letting her bring a treat or something if she wants to help.

So because we don't really have two groups to even split it into two showers and because I already told my own mom she can't host one, I don't think we can really let MIL host one. However, we're afraid she's going to be upset. Is it common to invite the same group of people to two showers? I feel uncomfortable and gift grabby about it but maybe it's more common than I think??

What do you guys think?

ABColeslaw · January 2014

I think you need to have one shower. And if you're not worried about hurting your mother's feelings then don't be worried about hurting your mother in laws. Either that or let your mother, mil, and friend cohost. It is a shower, it is one day. I saw you're a lucky girl that so many people love you and want to throw you a shower.

CamrynnsMommy · January 2014

I would not invite the same group to two showers, it does scream gift-grabby to me.

I would just explain to MIL that you have a small group of people who would attend and that group is already invited to the first shower, so you'd rather not have another shower.

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

It's definitely rude to invite the same people to two different showers.

Is MIL invited to your friend's shower? Maybe she offered because she wasn't aware that someone else already had? Does DH have a lot of family that your MIL would invite? If she has a guest list in mind that isn't included in the friend shower, she could host a shower in her town and you could travel instead of her. If not, I'm sure she'll understand when you decline.

spacepotatoes · January 2014

I know it's not proper etiquette for the mother of bride or future MIL to be hosting wedding showers, but parental involvement seems pretty common for baby showers.

In any case, it sounds like one shower is the best scenario for you. Would it be possible for your MIL to attend that one?

MamaLlama14 · January 2014

The options seem to be offending MIL or offending every friend who gets invited to a second shower on your behalf, plus your mother who was already told she couldn't host. I say don't worry about MIL. Politely explain that you have already been offered a shower and don't have any other guests to invite to a second shower and that she should save her trip for after LO arrives.

caroline824 · January 2014

Thanks ladies! I totally agree about inviting the same group twice. Yes, she is absolutely invited to the shower. We just feel like it makes sense to have one.

Katrinamu · January 2014

I'm just curious as to who she thinks she is going to invite to the shower she wants to host. If she knows your friend is hosting your main shower and your family is going to that one, then who is she inviting? Who does that leave? Seems weird.

mileswithmyles · January 2014

Could your mom and MIL help with some aspects, but not fully co-host? Maybe one could do the cake and one could do something else so they feel like they're contributing?

limechiffon · January 2014

Moms hosting showers is pretty common where I live (Chicago) but that said, I've heard that rule of etiquette often enough that I think you can get away with it as an excuse. I agree that sometimes it's less stressful to just decline.

MamaLlama14 · January 2014

SlappyHappy said:

A close relative hosting a baby shower (a mom or MIL) doesn't seem odd to me. I've seen loads of mothers do it, plus they are really excited to celebrate their new grand kid.

This. Plus, if the alternative is this new and ridiculous trend of grandma showers, I'd rather let my mom or MIL host a shower rather than risk having their own.

stina76 · January 2014

My MIL & SIL's are working with my best friend to plan my shower. It's going to be a large one with DH's family and all of our friends, so they are all happy to have the help. It makes me feel better that more people are hosting so one or two people don't have to have a huge expense. Do you think your friend who offered to host wouldn't want help? We take the approach of more the merrier here! : )

caroline824 · January 2014

Thanks everyone! I'm ok with the helping and my friend who is hosting would be fine with that too. Our moms can both be really sensitive in their own ways so I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. H talked to his mom and explained that there really aren't enough people to have two showers. I think she was disappointed but seemed cool with it. There's been a lot of family drama around BIL's wedding in March and we really didn't want to contribute to the mess. Thanks again!!!

kristine526 · January 2014

Katrinamu said:

I'm just curious as to who she thinks she is going to invite to the shower she wants to host. If she knows your friend is hosting your main shower and your family is going to that one, then who is she inviting? Who does that leave? Seems weird.

Is there family on DH's side of the family that lives where she does that isn't invited to the shower your friend is hosting, or maybe her friends that knew DH when he was growing up?

Callidryas · January 2014

I would stay with the one shower hosted by your friend. But...How about turning the tables on them and hosting a Grandparents shower. Invite their friends and family to a shower where they, not you, are the guests of honor. My FIL had one thrown for him by a close friend of his for his first grandchild and it went well. They only bought a few things for baby - mostly gag-type gifts.

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

Callidryas said:
I would stay with the one shower hosted by your friend. But...How about turning the tables on them and hosting a Grandparents shower. Invite their friends and family to a shower where they, not you, are the guests of honor. My FIL had one thrown for him by a close friend of his for his first grandchild and it went well. They only bought a few things for baby - mostly gag-type gifts.

Oh my. No please don't do this. Grandparent showers are bad on their own. A grandparent shower hosted by the MTB would be much worse.

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