Lurking from PGAL... First weeks question

Heeb918 · January 2014

Hello beautiful ladies! I so look forward to joining you in about 12-13 weeks!

Being a FTM I have a question for you all. I live about 10 driving hours from both our families. My mom doesn't work so she is going to be on-call and ready to jump in the car when I am in labor to meet our baby in the hospital, but is respectful of us and will go home pretty soon after if we want to give us time alone. DH has a week of paternity leave, and I'm sure he will not want my mom to be there during that week. My mom has a strong personality and clashes sometimes with DH because she can be overbearing. She is happy to wait until DH goes back to work to come out and stay to help me.

His mother works, but her job is relatively flexible so she could leave when she needed to. She cannot, however, afford a last-minute flight and I'm sure she won't drive on her own out here. DH's company will pay for a flight, but it typically needs to be purchased at least a week in advance. So the thought is she rides out with my mom, stays for a week, and flies home.

Okay this is getting long, sorry. My main question is, will we need help the first week when DH is at home? We know relatively nothing about caring for babies and are used to our set schedule so this will be a huge change. MIL will not get a hotel room but would be staying with us, basically from the moment we get home from the hospital. But I don't think I'll want her around for a whole week later on if DH is back at work....or will I?? Is the general consensus take all the help you can get? Or figure it out on your own and let them have shorter trips later? Thank you so much in advance.....I've been trying to come up with a solution for weeks.

Ps I love seeing the updates with all of the lovely PGAL grads and your beautiful outside babies!

FmrAFBrat · January 2014

I do not recommend having anyone over with a new baby, especially the first few months with a new baby. I made the mistake of letting DH talk me into MIL coming over to "help" for 5 day stents when my oldest was born. She RUINED things between us forever.

Let's just say she wanted me to cook and clean for her while she "took care of the baby". She also called my husband to complain when I spent more than 20 minutes nursing the baby in our bedroom because I didn't let her have him all day. There's more but it would be a short novel. I wish I had found this:

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over

I think it's better to do weekend things when the baby is older.

adoxyinherear · January 2014

Oh, that is tough. DH and I knew absolutely nothing about babies, either, and he was home for two weeks. His mother came and stayed with us the first night we were home from the hospital and for me that was a blessing, because I was pretty terrified to be alone with DD and it helped ease the transition from all of the help we had at the hospital. Would I have wanted her here the whole first week, though? Probably not. I think it does depend on your comfort level with your MIL, and how you think it would go with both her and your mother at the same time... I almost feel like that would be more difficult, because it's still really your role at that point to be focusing purely on baby, and other people to be there to care for YOU. Would they squabble?

Heeb918 · January 2014

Thanks so much for the responses. To clarify, my mom and MIL would drive out together then my mom would leave when we got home from the hospital. MIL cannot afford to stay at a hotel, and I think she would feel hurt if DH asked her to stay at one. I don't think she would be too upset with me doing my thing and her helping with meals, laundry, etc but it seems like that is what DH would be doing during the week he is home, and I'm not sure I feel as comfortable when DH goes back to work being alone with her all day for a whole week. I just tend to get annoyed with some things and with the added stress of everything I'm afraid I might snap without a break to myself, KWIM? Also, it feels like I would feel the need to entertain or do something when all I will want to do is take care of LO.
However..... We have to allow the parents to come sometime soon after LO is born for a little while, right? We are both very close to our respective moms, maybe it would help if we just put it in our budget to pay for hotel stays to keep us sane.

Heeb918 · January 2014

@fmrafbrat that was a good read, and honestly made me more confused because I feel like I could say those things about bleeding and be okay BFing in front of my MIL. We actually paid her to clean our house every other week back when we lived at home bc we both work long hours and it was easier and she needed the money... And I would be okay with having a somewhat nasty bathroom trashcan and huge pads, etc in the same bathroom she uses. Hell, she was cleaning up after my opks and HPTs all the time for so long, I think she would help with the cleaning part easily.
I guess if I sent her to a hotel at night I would feel bad that she is there alone... Is that silly?

FmrAFBrat · January 2014

When they do visit, both you and your DH should have conversations with your mom making sure that your expectations of their visits match their expectation of the visit.

Your moms may be helpful around your house or they may want to spend the entire time (**helping**)with the new grandbaby while you entertain them and take care of them like guests. I think a lot of conflicts arise when the expectations differ.

JulyMomma2U2 · January 2014

So, here's my 2 cents. I had c/s births with both my children. My oldest I was in the hospital for 4 days, my younger for 3 days.. First time DH took a week off to be home with us. After that, I was on my own. Second time he took 2 weeks, but that's because I wasn't cleared to lift my oldest until 2wks. Anyway, I would have hated.. HATED.. Having someone here 100% of the time. Those first few days are a complete jumble your first go round,, trying to figure out yourself as a Mother and your baby as a brand new person in this world.. It's complex and scary, but in my opinion it's absolutely beneficial that you are doing it on your own. You don't need someone else there directing you, watching you, making you subconsciously question what your doing, etc. parenting is hard enough, but sometimes too many opinions can be hell. Let's assume you have a vaginal birth and are in the hospital for 3 days.. Why can't MIL stay at your house for those 3 days.. She can clean up for you before you get home, make you some food to have in your fridge if she wants, and come visit you and baby during the day in the hospital, but then head home the night you are released? And then, plan to come back in a month for a 3 day weekend or something? I just can't imagine the uncomfortableness of having someone in my house constantly that first week.. Having had a cs, my husband helped me shower the first night I was home (and in the hospital).. Simply because I couldn't see my incision to clean it (my belly was still too puffy) and I needed the hand stepping into the shower.. Also, needed his help to p on underwear. Mortifying, yes. But, absolutely true. I would have felt so uncomfortable asking my hubby to come help me with my MIL or Mom right there.. Plus, I was just figuring out nursing,, my boobs were on display 100% of the time.. Figuring out latch and positioning.. Leaking through half my shirts.. Leaking through my pants sometimes.. It's just.. It can be a super humiliating experience, and one I often have apologized to my husband for having to witness.. My Mom is my best friend hands down, but even so, I still wouldn't be comfortable with her witnessing all that... Granted, you could have a perfectly uneventful delivery and no issues and minimal bleeding and baby could nurse like a champ and you could have your hormones completely in check from the moment of birth, so it could all be a molt point.. But, things rarely go the way you expect.. Best of luck with whatever you decide!! Look forward to seeing you over here in a few months! (Sorry for spacing, I'm mobile)

JulyMomma2U2 · January 2014

RachaelA said:

And I wanted to sit and snuggle my newborn. I didn't want to have to constantly be talking to someone else. I did not want to share my kid for hours every day for weeks (which is what it will end up being if you have them come stay with you for a week each).

This is SUCH a good point, too!! I remember crying with Ds1 because when company would come over for hours of our weekends, I felt like I didn't get to snuggle my baby much.. He was passed around, everyone else wanted the snuggles, etc.. I got him when he was screaming to eat and then immediately after he was back in someone else's arms.. Hormones played a huge part (looking back seems like a silly thing to get upset over), but I cried and told DH I needed a break from visitors! And, this was like over a week after he was born! You will want/need all those snuggles.. Skin to skin.. Taking him in, etc.. As much as you may think your Mom/M iL won't interfere on your bonding time. I'm sure they will! And, you kinda can't blame them if they are coming to spend the week with their new gran baby, of course they will want to hold and snuggle and cuddle with him/her.. Anyway, just thought this was a really good point, too!

Heeb918 · January 2014

My gosh this is such good advice, ladies. Thank you so SO much. I think I'm going to rethink the plans of when everyone will come out. The "less is more" approach sounds better and I completely agreed with wanting to cuddle, snuggle, learn how to BF, on my own or with DH without having others there watching and judging. You ladies are awesome and I can't wait to join you here!!

MickeyM04 · January 2014

I vote for no moms during week one and having them both come duriing week two but agree with PP that they should get a hotel. First, you and DH and LO will want/need time to bond and decompress and it will be hard to have two extra people around. Second, it's a waste of "help" because DH is there so if you really want the help you should have it when DH isn't there.

I was very much in need of time for just me and DS and also just me/DH/DS. It was hard even just having visitors come for a couple of hours, because as soon as he was fed, someone wanted to hold him, then someone else wanted to hold him, then he was crying and pissed and they'd give him to me to feed him and then once he was calm it was, "OK let me hold him now!" You are going to get really irritated, trust me.

I think it also depends on who you are dealing with. My mom was very, "What do you want me to do?" and she would do it. There were some days where she'd hold him a lot so I could clean and shower and eat and take care of myself and there were others when she would hardly hold him at all so she could run my errands, clean, cook, etc. I've also heard horror stories from friends where mom or MIL comes and has to be entertained. My friend had to cook for her MIL on too of taking care of her newborn and cleaning and whatever else. All her MIL did was hold the baby when he wasn't crying. What type of relationship do you have with your mom and MIL? Can you tell them what to do? Will they listen to you? Are they take charge people who will see a mess and clean, who will start a meal at dinner time, etc? Or are they people who kind of just get in the way, have to be entertained, don't want to step on toes (so won't help unless you specifically ask them to, etc)? These are the things you need to consider.

Honestly I do think you should take the help if you can get it but you need to make sure you're going to be helped and not just be with people who want to hold the baby when they feel like it. And I don't think anyone should be staying with you because that's not going to be helpful for you unless they are going to be doing the middle of the night feedings or what have you. Otherwise I don't see a reason for them to spend the night. More people to clean up after, zero private time with your new family member, no privacy, and for what? Do you get anything out of them being there 24/7 instead of going back to a hotel at bedtime? Probably not. Just my two cents. GL. It's such a crazy, wonderful, exciting time.

NBBride05 · January 2014

I also had a c section and was thankful for the help. It hurt to do certain things for a few days so I appreciated the help. DH's aunt spent the first night with us. She made dinner and watched DD while we got some sleep. Then my mom came and stayed with us for five days. She cooked, watched the baby while we showered etc. She was such a help. My MIL came two weeks later for a couple of days. She is the one who would've been problematic had it been the first few days because she always has an opinion. So my advice would be to set limits depending on the person. Tell them what you need help with and set expectations.

Junebug060609 · January 2014

The other ladies covered things pretty well..

I just wanted to add that I found being up front with our early visitors to be helpful. For example, I straight up told them I wouldn't be up for entertaining and that if they were coming I would need help with things like meals, laundry...basically all the little things that would take a back seat to baby.

hungryhippo · January 2014

My mom was around (dad too actually) but not from out of town and we needed help with things like getting extra supplies that we didnt plan on needing (hands free pumping bra for starters) prescriptions, and food. I had a very long induction and csection so we had been in the hospital almost an entire week. DS also had a couple of NICU days so we were making up for lost time in terms of bonding and nursing. We needed help... But do you know who would have been really helpful? A doula who would have done laundry, prepared meals, washed pump parts, answered the door for nosy neighbors and helped me to do nothing but nurse DS in bed for several days. Before he was born, I read breastfeeding advice that said just be topless in bed for two weeks and nurse your baby. I really, really wish I had taken that advice seriously. DS is doing great and we have an awesome relationship, but now that I know we had a difficult birth I would do my labor and postpartum days really differently.

Heeb918 · January 2014

@peanut2929 I would say that my mom and I are so close I could literally tell her she needed to go get me something from the grocery or walk around the mall or whatever if I needed space. (Maybe not the mall considering there was a shooting there a few days ago.... Eeks.) She would also probably come with a grocery list and have recipes planned out and just cook for us the entire time she is here without having anyone ask.

That being said, I think my MIL would be somewhat similar, but I don't know that for sure and I would probably need DH to tell her what to do instead of myself which would be harder if she was here when he is at work. Another thing: we will literally have NO more visitors as we just moved here a few months ago, so our mothers coming out will be it. I won't really need to worry about keeping up with housework because of guests, but with both ladies the place will be cleaner when they leave than when they get here.

I'm thinking maybe the moms should just drive out together for the birth and hospital time, and maybe they can split a hotel room so it won't be as $$ for them, then they can go home and leave us as a family of 3 until DH goes back to work. Then I can decide how I'm doing at that point and they can come out and stay with us one at a time for a few days. I DO really want them there for right after the birth, my mom is my best friend and I just cannot picture her not being there. It was the first thing I cried about when we found out we had to move.

Thank you again for your wise words and experiences. It is extremely helpful!! Y'all are just wonderful.

JulyMomma2U2 · January 2014

I agree -- sounds like a great plan

kbhaynes · February 2014

I didn't want anyone with us at home our first few weeks. I wanted that time to spend with DD and DH so we could bond as a family. Every family is different, but don't let anyone push you into letting them stay with you if you aren't comfortable with it when the time comes. Your feelings may change once baby comes.

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