Out of town family

aoconnorWed124284 · January 2014

All of my husbands family lives out of town and are already trying to work out all of the details for coming down for the birth (I'm due June 25) and stay at our house. My family lives in the same town so we definitely will get a lot of help from them.

I'm a first time mom, and the thought of 6 people wanting to stay at my house during, and for a week after the birth sounds pretty stressful. Does anyone have any experience with this? What are your thoughts?

katekat8721 · January 2014

I'd have DH say "that is very kind of you guys to come down and help, but wifey and I are going to be focusing on surviving the first few weeks and not entertaining. We'd love for you guys to come but staying in a hotel would make things easier for us".

tbmadeamistake · January 2014

Ask them to wait. Depending on how far out of town...can they come and spend a night at a hotel so they can see the new new baby and then come back for a longer stay at your house afterwards? You'll need time to heal/settle in as a family. My mom lives 1.5 hours away. They drove up the day after the birth to meet C, and once more for a day a week or two later. She came to stay for a week when C was about a month old. We needed time to settle in to our own family routine without having any one stay with us, and my mom is probably the most considerate house guest ever!

I know it's hard to tell them not to come, but I'd give yourself at least two weeks at home before you have any house guests. That way you can figure out what kind of baby you're dealing with, what works for you, and can plan escape routes for when you need a break from the guests! Definitely don't have them right after the birth.

Hairstylist16 · January 2014

How big is your house? Is it even possible for them to stay with you? How is your relationship with them? It would stress me out to have my in laws stay with me especially after having just having a baby. I don't think you'd need them for help since your family lives in town, I'd have them wait a couple weeks to come for a visit and let you guys get settled or just come for the day.

arekeweg · January 2014

We will be in the same situation except both families live far away (4.5 hrs and 8.5 hrs).

The advice I have heard so far is about getting those who stay with you to help out. If you do have people staying with you, write a list of things they can do to help. If they say the don't want to do any of those things, then they need to just stay out of the way.

I also just had a friend have a baby at the end of December and both their families are out of state. They asked that no one came to visit or stay with them until a week after they had been home to settle into life a bit. I thought that was reasonable.

KristaU831 · January 2014

yeah… you say no. you don't need people around your house when you are gushing blood out of your vagina like some flooding river.

do they intend to be there for the birth? did you invite them?

but then again it depends on the family. are they helpful like will clean and cook for you or will their idea of helpful be holding the baby while you vacuum and cook them dinner? if the latter it should be a resounding hell no until baby is a month or 2 old.

6 people seems like way too many regardless.

bebemac · January 2014

KristaU831 said:
yeah… you say no. you don't need people around your house when you are gushing blood out of your vagina like some flooding river.

WHAT? This is going to happen? Are we talking days or weeks?

KristaU831 · January 2014

bebemac said:

yeah… you say no. you don't need people around your house when you are gushing blood out of your vagina like some flooding river.
WHAT? This is going to happen? Are we talking days or weeks?

its not quite so bad. but yeah your vagina is going to bleed like way worse than any heavy period you've ever had. and the first few days can be pretty bad. depends on your body, but it's like a murder scene after you use the bathroom.

this is why the hospital gives you pads the size of a twin mattress to put in your sexy mesh panties.

pcourtade · January 2014

Umm, holy crap, no!!! You are going to be way exhausted and won't want to have a bunch of people over. Just very sweetly say no thank you. Have them come after you have some time alone with the baby.

cMichelle0423 · January 2014

Personally, I don't want ANY visitors for the first week. Not even at the hospital. DH and I plan to go to the hospital alone and are asking everyone to wait until we're ready for visitors. For me the hospital stay is a very intimate few days that I only want to share with my husband. Not to mention I only feel comfortable being half naked in a hospital gown in front of DH and the hospital staff. Then once we get home, I just want us to rest and spend time as a family. We have am 11 month old who will be around 16 months old when baby #2 is born so we want to use that first week for some good family bonding time and so our DS can get acquainted with his little brother or sister. My husband is taking about 2 weeks off to help get the kids on a schedule so we don't want to deal with visitors for at least a few days.

If you feel comfortable with having people actually stay at your house to be there and help, then by all means, go for it. But I'd maybe think about cutting it down to just 2 people and asking everyone else to stay at a nearby hotel. It's up to you though!

aoconnorWed124284 · January 2014

Thank you all so much for the great feedback! I had my Husband read all your comments so he doesn't think it's unreasonable/moody to say no and ask them to come a little after the birth.

And uhhhh the bleeding thing was definitely shocking (and pretty humorous) for me to read, I think having some privacy will be needed! Thank you for the good laugh with your descriptions lol

JNYLP · January 2014

I don't think I'd want 6 adults staying at my house for a week baby or not! Unless they were realllly close family/friends! And it sounds like they're just inviting themselves? No way! We had tons of visitors with DD in the hospital and at home right away, but noone stayed for more than an hour, and DH was very good at protecting baby and my down time with no visitors. My Mom stayed the first night, and after that, we realized that there wasn't anything she could really do since I was nursing anyway. Do what's best for you! Good luck!

kbellizio3 · January 2014

The only person I can see having a viable reason to stay with us after the baby is my dad and that's only because he's doing the renovations on our house (and my parents live 1.5 hours away). However I highly doubt he'll be even asking if that's an option because he's really considerate, and if he did stay over he'd be a huge help with laundry/dishes/food etc. so I wouldn't mind him or my mom staying. But since my parents are considerate I doubt that's even a question, they'll let DH and I settle in. They will be coming down as well as FIL and step MIL the day of the birth I think, and I'm ok with that (with the understanding DH is the only one in the room DURING birth). I really think its up to what you and DH want, I dont think it's rude to ask them not to stay with you or wait to come. They were first time parents too at one point! Hopefully they understand

emandjp · January 2014

No! Please have your DH tell them to wait. It's a priceless time that you can never get back and all you need to worry about is taking care of the baby and letting DH take care of you. I'm sure they will understand. If not, it's your baby so you get to dictate how you want visits to go, they'll have to get over it.

katekat8721 · January 2014

aoconnorWed124284 said:

Thank you all so much for the great feedback! I had my Husband read all your comments so he doesn't think it's unreasonable/moody to say no and ask them to come a little after the birth. And uhhhh the bleeding thing was definitely shocking (and pretty humorous) for me to read, I think having some privacy will be needed! Thank you for the good laugh with your descriptions lol

Not unreasonable or moody at all! FWIW, I think the word needs to come from your DH to his family. He needs to back you up on this and you don't need the stress right now.

My in-laws are out of state and wonderful people (I got blessed with a great MIL!) Even still, no staying with me right after birth lol!

kibean · January 2014

My MIL asked my DH at Thanksgiving how soon they could come down to visit and see the baby (we are 6-7 hours away) and he spit out "You can come any time! Come the week before if you want!" I just stared at him in shock. We hadn't even discussed this. Then, later when we were alone and I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I was cool with them staying with us that soon, he got all upset. I think because he doesn't like confrontation, had already said they could come, and knows that if we told them they would need to stay in a hotel that they would just not come at all.

Moral of the story: whatever you decide make sure you are on the same page before people start asking. I still have no idea what we are going to do.

hollygb22 · January 2014

we live in a 3 bdrm house, IL's are 5 hours away and we made them stay in a hotel. Honestly, if I thought my ILs would have been super helpful, maybe I would have considered letting them stay at our house. But, when they do visit, I'm playing hostess..getting them coffee, making meals, etc. I wasn't doing that after having a baby.

Plus, you don't know what condition you'll be in. I had stitiches out the wazoo, was trying to figure out how to BF, trying to figure out what the hell was going on down below with bleeding, recovery etc. I didn't need my ILs at my house during that time. Even when they came and visited in the first couple days we were home, i was overwhelmed with having to constantly go to the nursery to BF, hearing my MIL tell me the baby didn't need to eat that often etc etc etc.

After the 7-10 day mark i felt a little more normal and probably would've tolerated visitors better at that point.

SarahS11 · January 2014

I'm glad this got posted... I just brought this up to DH this weekend. His parents (mother in particular) are going to be pissed that we are going to ask them to stay in a hotel. They have no boundaries and will have a lot to say about the ways I do things... It will be better for them to be in a hotel rather than me blow and and throw some swear words their way at their unwanted advice!

hollygb22 · January 2014

SarahS11 said:

I'm glad this got posted... I just brought this up to DH this weekend. His parents (mother in particular) are going to be pissed that we are going to ask them to stay in a hotel. They have no boundaries and will have a lot to say about the ways I do things... It will be better for them to be in a hotel rather than me blow and and throw some swear words their way at their unwanted advice!

Or tell them not to come immediately after the birth...that was the choice we gave my inlaws. The first few days I was a bleeding wreck walking around without a bra on due to sore nips from BF etc..I was so all set without having my MIL breathing down my nech!

temursgirl · January 2014

My ILs are coming for two months starting about a month after the baby is born. They live in India, so a visit always lasts at least a month and there is no way we could ask them to stay in a hotel, even if we could afford two months in a hotel. MIL really wants to "help" with the baby, and we had to urge (i.e. tactfully force) her to wait and give us time to settle in.

What FIL does:

Demands his way, refuses most foods, yells at people, and complains.

What MIL does:

Worries about FIL getting his way and eating (he's quite overweight, BTW, so not likely to starve to death).

What MIL doesn't do:

Cook, clean, drive a car (and we live in real suburbs), leave the house on her own, do laundry, or have hobbies to pass the time.

I actually get along with MIL and understand how excited she is about her first grandchild, and I don't want to not let her spend time with him/her, but their visits are a ton of work for me. I want to come up with some activities, both baby-related and outside the house, so that she can feel included but I can stay sane.

Pepper6 · January 2014

I would never want 6 adult house guests for any amount of time, baby or not. Just no. I'm a terrible hostess and get so annoyed having people in my space and constantly having to entertain them. Luckily, H feels the same way, so neither of us would have an issue shutting down anyone who invited themselves over. I just can't imagine...

crhein26 · January 2014

First of all, I don't understand what makes people think it's ok to come and stay in your house right after you have a baby WITHOUT asking. It's kind of rude to say, hey...when you go through X amount of hours of pain, we are going to come stay with you and "help" you. Who wants people staying at their house when you have no idea how you are going to feel and for most FTM's, want to have the first few days bonding as a family?

You are by no means being rude. I love my in laws and they are more than welcome to come over during the day for a couple hours, but that's it. I need to learn this whole being a mom thing on my own. No matter how much people are thinking they are going to help you, when you aren't feeling well, the last thing you want is people in your house trying to help.

I agree that DH should be the one to tell them they are welcome to come visit, but they should not plan on staying and definitely not plan to stay in town for any length of time. They are welcome for a few hours during the day, but that's it.

Good luck to you!

aoconnorWed124284 · January 2014

Thank you! I definitely agree! I was shocked when my H brought it up to me. Idk why I hadn't thought about it before they had asked to come. We clearly will need some time alone and we will have to play it by ear and let them know when it's okay for a visit/stay

lefriday · January 2014

I have a toddler and wouldn't want extra help from that many people! I still think back to the first few weeks and how much dh and I bonded an had fun with our little one. Once inlaws an parents arrived I felt like my baby was being snatched and returned for milk. I know people say it's your baby and do what you want but when there are a Hangul of people constantly bugging to take the baby so you can rest you can lose (and lose your mind). Good luck... And just say no in advance!

MollySm · January 2014

With my first, my sister came and stayed with us. She was there keeping me company when I went over my due date and was going crazy with the waiting, and my H was busy with school. She cleaned. She cooked every night and made a ton of freezer meals for after. She was in the hospital and the room when I had Lucia. She stayed for about 5 days afterwards, and did the same types of things, plus let me sleep when I needed to. That was super helpful. As far as people you aren't comfortable with, who won't just be helpful all the time, I'd say no to that.

LKHoffa · January 2014

I think you are TOTALLY justified in not wanting house guests! But remember, this is their grandchild, so I would be careful to word it by saying "Don't come. Wait a week." I would ask your DH say something like "You are more than welcome to come visit, but I don't want to put anymore of (wife) than she'll already have on her plate. If you don't mind staying in a hotel, you can come anytime! If you want to stay with us, we'd rather you wait until we get into a good groove and (wife) can really use your help." You don't want to seem like you are keeping their grandchild from them (but letting your family enjoy the baby!)

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Out of town family

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