Baby Showers
mmm50
member
A question for the experts: bringing 3 month old to shower??
mmm50
member
in Baby Showers
I've lurked this board for a while and have a question that I think you all are the best people to ask. I was invited to a shower for DH's cousin's wife at the beginning of February. It's at a church hall. It is her 2nd child in less than 3 years-- the first was when she was in high school with a different guy. This is DH's cousin's first child. DS will be 3 months old at the time and we're still BFing. The envelope just invites me, and I don't suspect that kids are invited (though I am going to ask SIL if her 5 yo girl was invited). DH has work obligations during the time of the shower, so I can't leave DS with him. MIL is my go-to babysitter since she lives nearby- but she will also be at the shower.
WWYD: Bring DS and attend the shower or skip the shower? I would send a gift if I skip. On the one hand DS would probably sleep in his carseat the whole time and I'm sure the aunts would love to see him. On the other the MTB is kind of immature and might think of me bringing DS as "stealing her spotlight."
Thanks for any advice!
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Re: A question for the experts: bringing 3 month old to shower??
I think this attitude is a shame, doesn't help nursing mothers or support BFing. Nursing babies are the exception to the no kids rule. For a wedding I get it, but a BABY shower? Come on!
This! I mean, I would HOPE I'd know the people being invited well enough to know ahead of time to say "Hey- just so you know, you can bring your baby!". But... there are a million scenario's where this kind of thing might fall through the cracks.
SOME people really would have a problem w/ a little baby being there. That kind of sucks, but you have to respect it.
But I just don't see anything wrong w/ asking - in a way that puts as little pressure as possible on the hostess.
I have a Daughter born 2/26/2013. She is pretty much amazing!
To the first paragraph- not all 3 month olds are necessarily on bottles yet. If the baby DOES take a bottle, then yes, I fully agree with you. They can pump and someone can give the baby a bottle. But if not... I think it's a shame to miss the shower without even asking because of a nursing baby.
Which leads to the point that there is a big difference between a 3 month old and an almost 1 year old! If the OP were talking about an older child that, while still technically nursing, was able to eat in other ways - then no question. The kid doesn't go.
To the second paragraph- eh, that's a pretty broad stroke to paint!!
Look - I'm ALL over "adult only" events. I personally wouldn't ever want to take DS to a shower. I absolutely look for reasons to get out on my own.
I just think that a nursing infant is an exception to the rule. If the hostess/MTB REALLY don't want any kids there at all, then no - don't bring the baby. But I know, for myself, that if someone missed my shower because of this specific issue and never spoke up, I'd be sad! When people say "no kids", it may be more of the "kids that will get into stuff and are another set of guests that we have to entertain" line of thinking.
For some women it's nearly impossible to pump enough to feed their baby--and there are babies that refuse bottles. A friend of mine tried forever to get her son on a bottle and he wouldn't take any of them. She was able to go out without him twice in a year, and both of those times she had to. One of the times, I watched him so she could do her doctoral defense. He simply refused to eat.
This! Gasp, I was able to go places for 2 hours and let DH actually feed his own daughter with pumped milk. Unbelievable that it didn't affect nursing at all for me.
OP, I would never bring a 3 month old to a shower. Pump and leave her with her father. You will both survive for an hour or two.
In my community, women come from very diverse backgrounds. There are some who follow a strict no kids = no kids way of thinking. There are others who believe that a young nursing baby is by default included in an invitation (to the extent that they would express dismay if you showed up without the little, even though they didn't put the little's name on the invite and would be upset/sad if you didn't come because you had no childcare for the little). And women all over in between. You can see answers from various points along this spectrum right here on this thread.
My reply isn't actually an attempt to manipulate someone into letting my kid come. It's an attempt to be respectful of all the various viewpoints on this issue. I don't know where someone falls, I assume they don't want my kid there (because I'd rather err on that side than assume my kids are wanted there when they aren't) and reply accordingly and with a brief explanation (which I would also give if I was declining for any other reason), without any pitiful pause. And then I assume that if it's a situation where the hostess/guest of honor does want me there, even with my kids, they'll choose to let me know that.
I think the whole thing comes down to this statement in my original post: "The key is to leave an opening for them to tell you to bring the kid WITHOUT pressuring them to do so." I really am aiming to not pressure someone... and if my entire attitude conveys that, then hopefully nobody would ever have cause to be guilted into anything.
Why don't I just ask? Because I don't want to put someone on the spot. Even if I tell them I'm okay with the answer being no, there's still a lot of potential for them to feel kind of backed into a corner when I call and ask this. Also, I know women who would consider calling and asking to be very rude and passive aggressive (because if they wanted the kid there, they would have listed them on the invite).
Meh, I guess it shows that even with the best of intentions, it's awfully easy to offend people. Perhaps that's why at least having the best of intentions is so important?
Sometimes a nursing mothers ONLY choice is to actually NURSE. Boob to mouth.
So go to the shower for 1 hour and then go home and feed her again. I don't get why this would be so difficult. Showers are not all day events.
I would advocate putting aside some $ & hire another sitter. Bring your pump. Take a little break to pump during the shower.
Prior to the shower you can pump three or four bottles to freeze. Bonus: you get some time to yourself & you have another sitter that you can get to know.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I fail to see how this is the responsibility if the host and why it makes someone an exception. If that's what you have to or choose to do, that's fine. However, it doesn't mean others need to change how they want to do things to suit you. Also, OP, even if the SIL is bringing her baby, I still wouldn't then make an assumption that kids are ok. The niece of the guest of honor is different than a cousin.