Throat Punch Weekend Edition

blackbird818 · January 2014

Anyone?

classicstar28 · January 2014

I'll bite. I need to vent about this and maybe get some useful advice in the process.

TP to my SIL (DH's sister...I have 2 SILs and my brother's wife is awesome). She is getting married in June and she asked me to be a bridesmaid last year after she got engaged. I felt like I couldn't say no because our relationship has never been great so it seemed like a good opportunity to build a better relationship, but now I wish I had. I think I might be a little bit on the overreacting side, but I've had it. She picked out the bridesmaid dresses while I was still living in Texas. I never got any photos, my opinion was never asked. I was just told to buy a $150 ballgown and then have it hemmed to just below the knee. Fine. Whatever. She did this because she loved the illusion halter top and just had to have everyone wear it. I think that's a bit ridiculous, but it's her wedding, right? When we decided to TTC, we discussed how to handle it because the dress is form fitting until the hips. Our solution was to wait it out. Of course when I got pregnant my EDD was 3 days after her wedding and she said I could pick out another dress with her that would work. Then I m/c and she said that we should wait to continue TTC until after her wedding because she really wanted me to wear the dress she picked. Come to find out, her matron of honor said she wanted a different dress because the first one was too expensive, however the dress she picked was the same price. SIL has no problem with this at all and "just wants her to be happy and comfortable." WTF?

This sounds really stupid because it's about a dress, but it isn't just the dress. I feel like she just doesn't care about me at all. Two things here really make this a TP. One, she told me I shouldn't TTC because me being pregnant will be an inconvenience for her. Two, she doesn't care that her best friend wants to wear a different dress, but she is having a fit over me wanting a dress that is cheaper (because we have very little money, too) and one that will work if we are successful in TTC. Bleh. I really want her to be in my life as little as possible and I don't want to be in her wedding at all anymore. It's causing me tons of stress and I get upset/angry every time I think about it.

abryars · January 2014

@classicstar28 I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your SIL. I hate how weddings can add so much tension to a relationship. I think it is so disrespectful to ask someone to "hold off TTC" until after the wedding. I know it is a hard conversation but have you thought about letting her know how you feel and opting out of being in the wedding party? I went through a lot of grief with my best friend and my wedding but it ended with me having to have "that" conversation and asked her to bow down from being my MOH. She was really selfish about a lot and it was really hard but I don't regret it because in the end we need to do what's best for us and I think this will only cause more unnecessary stress in your life. ((((HUGS))))

classicstar28 · January 2014

@abryars Thank you. I have been thinking that I need to just talk to her about all of it. We've never really had a discussion about anything very serious and this all started over a year ago (with her saying "your name is wrong" when looking at my wedding invitations because it had only my first and middle name on it). When I've talked to DH, my parents, and my MIL about this in the past they have told me to either let it go or let DH handle it. This has been to avoid us getting into a huge blowout fight. However, I talked to DH tonight about how I've been feeling and he said that maybe it is time I talk to her myself. I think I agree, but I need to really figure out how to say how I feel in a way that isn't going to cause a huge fight.

The last time I tried to talk to her about my feelings (about going to an event with her friends, I'm an introvert and feel really uncomfortable with those situations. I'm fine in small groups to meet new people, but not big ones) she said I had to do what she was asking or else she didn't want me in her wedding. My MIL talked to her and we ended up just doing a small dinner out and she invited DH, but my point is that I talked to her and I got a fight and ultimatum. MIL talked to her and she changed it. So, I'm worried about it and want to make sure I know what I want to say and how I'm going to say it.

As a side note, I had issues with my maid of honor in my wedding, too. I talked to her, but was too concerned with our friendship to ask her to step down. Things did not improve with her, in fact they got worse by the time we had the actual wedding. Now we're really not friends anymore, so I think you're right that we have to do what is best for us lest the situation gets worse.

kz's_girlygirl · January 2014

@classicstar28- Weddings are such difficult situation with TTC etc. If I were in your shoes, I would probably step back. It sounds like you maybe feel obligated to be in the wedding because she is your SIL, and maybe she feels obligated to have you in the wedding party for the same reason? If you guys don't really like each other, you may have nothing to lose (and emotional peace to gain!) if you just politely tell her that you are looking forward to attending the wedding as a guest, but don't think you can be in the wedding party. One of DH's groomsmen opted out shorty before our wedding (thankfully, lol) and it wasn't a big hiccup- hopefully if you decide to go that route it won't be for you.her either.

If you choose to remain in the wedding party, I might just deal with it. Putting TTC on hold wouldn't be an option for me though, so discussing a different dress if that is a sticking point for you, or ordering in a size larger could be ways to get around that. Some people are bridezilla's...I'm sure she does care about you, but for her wedding, she probably cares about herself more. I'm not saying that is right or wrong, but it might just be the way things are (even if that does suck for everyone other than the bride to be!).

Whatever you chose to do, I hope you can be comfortable in that decision and that the day is fun no matter what!

HollynLeana · January 2014

Fightersince83 said:

@classicstar28- since this is someone that you will have to deal with on an ongoing basis, it may be best to opt out graciously. You could say something to the effect of, " while I'm really honored that you would ask me to be a part of your special day, we aren't able to afford this right now. Since we are also ttc, I wouldn't want to throw a wrench in your wedding plans or photos, if I'm unable to match the other girls." That way it doesn't turn into an all out war or get ugly. You have a right to ttc on your own timeline & she has a right to be selfish about her special day. This way everyone wins.

Definitely this!

kbedfox · January 2014

@classicstar28 I ditto what @fightersince83 said -- you don't want to further damage your relationship but you also shouldn't let SIL walk over you. Do what makes YOU happy, because you have to live with yourself. Putting off TTC for a wedding seems crazy 1) it's not yours, so who cares if you're a pregnant bridesmaid 2) the whole process is so long and stressful, why delay when it may take a few cycles to get KU anyway? (Please don't take that as harsh/rude, I simply mean we all don't get pregnant on the first try-- obviously :-< ) ((hugs)) and GL to you!

classicstar28 · January 2014

Thanks, ladies, for all of the advice. It's been extremely helpful. I think that I will have a talk with her about all of this soon. We have a couple of events coming up in the next couple of weeks, but I'm going to talk to DH about when would be the best time to bring it up. My gut is to wait until after DH's birthday dinner (2 weeks from now) because after that we don't have any official family stuff until April. That would give us both some space if things don't go well. I'm going to write out my feelings and have DH help me with wording and how to respond depending on how she might react. I want this talk to be as non-confrontational as possible because we are going to be around each other on a regular basis for a long time. I really want this to be a way to move forward and not just a means to an end.

Thank you all again so so much for taking the time to give me advice. I didn't really intend for this TP to turn into just helping me out, but I'm really thankful for all of you!

blue2mango · January 2014

HollynLeana said:

Fightersince83 said:

@classicstar28- since this is someone that you will have to deal with on an ongoing basis, it may be best to opt out graciously. You could say something to the effect of, " while I'm really honored that you would ask me to be a part of your special day, we aren't able to afford this right now. Since we are also ttc, I wouldn't want to throw a wrench in your wedding plans or photos, if I'm unable to match the other girls." That way it doesn't turn into an all out war or get ugly. You have a right to ttc on your own timeline & she has a right to be selfish about her special day. This way everyone wins.

Definitely this!

Agree with this! @classicstar28 If your SIL insists on you still being a part of it you could suggest being the welcome person asking people to sign the guest book and telling them where to sit. At my wedding I did not even ask my SIL to be a bridesmaid because we were not close and very different, we get along without issue, just different but I wanted her to be a part so I ask her to do what I explained above. My brother was also not asked to be a groosmen by my H & for the same reasons I did not ask my SIL but we asked him to walk our flower girl dog down the aisle on a leash to be a part of the wedding. Maybe another duty would be a better choice.

blue2mango · January 2014

@mcnsher0627 I am sorry your place of worship was tough today. (((Hugs)))

ToriGirl2014 · January 2014

@classicstar28 - ugh! That's the worst! There is nothing more frustrating than a self-centered bride who thinks everyone else's lives should be put on hold because of their wedding!!

I offer no advice because I know these situations are so touchy, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and hope it all works out OK. We have all dealt with a bridezilla at some point. Let's hope that attitude ends once she's married.

Poppy715 · January 2014

wife07mom09 said:
I'm TP'ing the comments to write a blog so folks don't have to see mine or any one else's vents.

Are you kidding me? :-w You already said you didn't agree with my advice on two previous threads. This is not how we deal with disagreements. Most of us act like grown ups and can talk it out. I'm honestly not talking out of my ass. Writing a blog has helped lots of ladies here. I'm not just trying to get you to stop posting vent threads. Although it would be a welcome change.

kflynn81 · January 2014

Can I just do a mini TP? LOL

I'd hate to fully TP my DH, but last night at dinner he just randomly out of the blue told me I better not have a meltdown if his brother's wife gets pregnant before we do again. I'm the queen of meltdowns (half kidding!) .... that might be tough.

jbasore1123 · January 2014

Warning: Pregnancy mentioned

I'm TPing my cousin. Her brother accidently knocked up his gf (now fiance), which seems to be the way everyone in my family does things (except for me, apparently) and her baby shower was yesterday. Obviously I planned on being on bedrest this weekend, but after my IVF was cancelled I didn't feel like going. I have never met this woman and am not close to my cousin anyway... plus, I probably would have cried through the whole thing. Well, I apologized to my cousin over FB (she threw the shower) for missing it, but she is seemingly mad about it and won't respond. She doesn't know about my IVF, but still, I live 7 hours away and she shouldn't expect me to go anyway.

Poppy715 · January 2014

@jbasore1123 oh sweety. I'm sorry. They really had no business expecting you to go even without the IVF. Just take it easy and don't feel bad for not going. It's not a requirement. Take care of you.

blue2mango · January 2014

@jbasore1123 I would only travel 7 hours for a sister or close life long friend for a baby shower. You made the right choice for you and that is important. Selfishness is okay sometimes

TP to TB for not having an option to be notified when someone "quotes" their post! I forget sometimes what I have posted on and may never realize it was quoted.

HollynLeana · January 2014

I've only been here about a month...and in that time learned that this board is tightly knit and wonderful. I have been so fortunate to have the support of all these gracious lovely ladies...so why the f*ck are all the rude b*tches coming out of the woodwork, drive bying this board and f*cking up my damn zen? TP to the posters who have driven by TTCAL this weekend and messed with our flow! RUDE!

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