Open house style shower?

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

Ok, let me start by saying my family is definitely pretty relaxed when it comes to etiquette stuff, and my husbands family is a little more formal. My mom is planning my baby shower and inviting his family as well.

When my mom first started planning my shower, she suggested making it co-ed. My mom and I are similar in that we have a lot of "couple friends" that we would invite to something like this, but rarely spend time with just the female half of the couple. I told her if it was co-ed I would invite a few more couples, but if it's just girls then let's just keep it to family. And I think she had a few of her friends in mind that she felt the same way about. I think what she envisioned was sort of a cookout at her house, and at some point the women (or whoever cared) could go inside and oooh/ahh over gifts, but for the most part it would just be a party. For games, maybe a competition about guessing how many jelly beans are in a jar or something not too cutesy.

In the end, we decided to have the shower in March. Since the weather in the midwest isn't reliable in March, we decided to just invite women, so we could make it more traditional in the event we all had to stay inside. While she was deciding what to do, I mentioned it to DH, who mentioned to MIL that we were considering co-ed.

I expected that MIL would prefer a more traditional shower. But today my mom called and said she had spoken to MIL (because MIL had offered to help in any way) and MIL suggested that we could still make it a co-ed shower if we had it open-house style. My first thought is that this breaks all kinds of etiquette rules. But if MIL obviously doesn't have a problem with it, and my family doesn't have a problem with it, I'm tempted to say let's do it because I think that would be way more fun. I know that it's ultimately my mom's decision, not mine, but she has asked for my opinion... and now I'm asking for yours.

My honest opinion is that as a guest, I would prefer to go to a shower where I could show up whenever, see the MTB, give a gift, chat with whoever I want and leave, as opposed to sitting at a table watching MTB open every gift and making small talk with people I don't really know for 2 hours. But that's because I'm sort of shy and socially awkward. What do you think?

Disneygeek77 · January 2014

l personally wouldn't do an open house event. To me it screams, " Dude, just give me a gift and you can go."

I also don't know how an open house style would avoid the awkwardness you mentioned. You still would have to make chit chat with people you don't know well and you still would probably see the MTB open her gifts right ? I mean what else are people supposed to do besides stick around and watch you open gift ? I think instead it would be more confusing and awkward. As a guest, I would think " Am I supposed to be here the whole time ? Would she think it rude of me to leave whenever ?"

Nope, I would much rather have more defined starting and end time so I can plan my day accordingly. Just have a regular ol' traditional shower.

Unknown · January 2014

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VOR · January 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

As a guest, I would think " Am I supposed to be here the whole time ? Would she think it rude of me to leave whenever ?"

Nope, I would much rather have more defined starting and end time so I can plan my day accordingly. Just have a regular ol' traditional shower.

All of this.

Are showers the most exciting of events? No. But - there is a certain expectation about them. As the point of them is to "shower the MTB w/ gifts", gifts ARE a part of it. At an open house- will there be a gift opening? If not, when will the mom open the gifts? etc.

I'm fully in the camp that gifts NEED to be opened at the shower. If you say "Oh- as the guests show up". What if 6 people walk in at the same time? And you're in the middle of a conversation w/ your great AUnt Edna who you hardly see? Are you going to run off from her to go open the gifts from the people who just showed up?

Which, in the end, while I appreciate the people want to make showers more "fun", I feel that people can walk away confused or even annoyed if their gift isn't opened while they were there. And as such, showers really should be relatively "traditional". Not saying women only, per se, but that a set start and end time is appreciated (for me) and a schedule of events so that I KNOW "oh, after the food, the gifts will be opened and I'll be able to head out shortly after".

dufferoo · January 2014

I don't see how having an open house solves the problem of everyone having to be inside if it's bad weather. I mean you either have room for everybody or not, right? That being said, there's nothing inherently rude about an open house. You would just have to open each gift in front of the giver as they arrived. Seems like a bigger pain than a traditional shower, plus it leaves your guests with more time to stand around making chit-chat since you will be occupied with all the greeting and opening. But whatever floats your boat!

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

Thanks for your opinions.

I think I was not very clear. When I said I find it awkward to chat with people I don't know, I meant that as a guest at a shower I feel that way. At my own shower, I would obviously know everyone, and I would be fine talking to everyone and opening gifts.

My plan was not to not open gifts. But I don't really know how that would work at an open house shower. Maybe open each person's gift as they arrive?

And the thought that it would save on space was that not everyone would be there all at the same time. It would probably end up that the men end up hanging out in the garage with my dad and the women would be inside... I don't know really. Bottom line was that we would avoid having everyone in one room at the same time which would be crowded.

I agree with you guys though. It would just be easier to make it traditional. I'm not sure why my mom keeps going back to the co-ed idea. It makes me think she really wants to do it that way. I think my mom is just more comfortable throwing a "party" than a traditional baby shower.

Now I think I'm rambling. I really do appreciate all your thoughts though!

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

msspeedymarie said:

VOR said:

Disneygeek77 said:

As a guest, I would think " Am I supposed to be here the whole time ? Would she think it rude of me to leave whenever ?"

Nope, I would much rather have more defined starting and end time so I can plan my day accordingly. Just have a regular ol' traditional shower.

All of this.
Are showers the most exciting of events? No. But - there is a certain expectation about them. As the point of them is to "shower the MTB w/ gifts", gifts ARE a part of it. At an open house- will there be a gift opening? If not, when will the mom open the gifts? etc.
I'm fully in the camp that gifts NEED to be opened at the shower. If you say "Oh- as the guests show up". What if 6 people walk in at the same time? And you're in the middle of a conversation w/ your great AUnt Edna who you hardly see? Are you going to run off from her to go open the gifts from the people who just showed up?
Which, in the end, while I appreciate the people want to make showers more "fun", I feel that people can walk away confused or even annoyed if their gift isn't opened while they were there. And as such, showers really should be relatively "traditional". Not saying women only, per se, but that a set start and end time is appreciated (for me) and a schedule of events so that I KNOW "oh, after the food, the gifts will be opened and I'll be able to head out shortly after".

Agreed, def with the bolded. I had a friend who had an open house co-ed shower, and the only gift she opened was from someone who brought it to her, handed it to her, then stood there until she opened it. My gift, a combo of carefully chosen items, was not opened or acknowledged, and then I got a generic thank you five months later that didn't mention anything I'd gotten her. I was frankly fairly annoyed.

ETA you can make a shower fun and not traditional, while still sticking to the key idea - that it is about helping the parents prepare for parenthood and welcoming them to it. Both my showers were coed. One was a casual party with our couple friends, no games, just a copy of "Where the Sidewalk Ends" that people passed around and wrote life advice for LO into. My family shower was a cookout with my mom's whole family, since I live OOT and only see them 2-3 times a year. The uncles and cousins played cornhole, we ate burgers, H and I quickly opened gifts, we ate cake. It was totally great. Every family that came had at least one woman who would have come to a woman's-only shower, so it wasn't coed to get more gifts. Just a chance to hang with my family!

Honestly, I think this is exactly what my mom and I would both prefer. I live 6 hours away from my family, so I'd love to just see everyone at the same time. The problem is my parents have a great yard, huge garage/barn that is great for parties, but it might be a little cramped if we all had to be in the house. I'm due in May, so I just don't think we can count on the weather cooperating for a cookout. Maybe we'll just do a small traditional shower and then a cookout as a meet the baby type party in the summer.

mjberube89 · January 2014

Just something to consider... Depending on when you're due in May, having your shower in very early April might be better if you're looking to do the whole outdoor BBQ thing. My sister is due May 18th and I'm having her shower on April 6th. Still enough time for her to get all settled for the arivial of my nephew.

Disneygeek77 · January 2014

ErikaLynn75 said: Thanks for your opinions.
I think I was not very clear. When I said I find it awkward to chat with people I don't know, I meant that as a guest at a shower I feel that way. At my own shower, I would obviously know everyone, and I would be fine talking to everyone and opening gifts.
My plan was not to not open gifts. But I don't really know how that would work at an open house shower. Maybe open each person's gift as they arrive?
And the thought that it would save on space was that not everyone would be there all at the same time. It would probably end up that the men end up hanging out in the garage with my dad and the women would be inside... I don't know really. Bottom line was that we would avoid having everyone in one room at the same time which would be crowded.
I agree with you guys though. It would just be easier to make it traditional. I'm not sure why my mom keeps going back to the co-ed idea. It makes me think she really wants to do it that way. I think my mom is just more comfortable throwing a "party" than a traditional baby shower.
Now I think I'm rambling. I really do appreciate all your thoughts though!

Nope, I understood you. My point was that as a guest I would still have to make small talk with strangers at an open house shower, so that wouldn't have been avoided. You would also add the increased awkwardness of people not knowing what to do. Should they make small talk with strangers ? Should they be by your side the entire time and watch you open gifts as people walk in the door ? I know I personally would be confused about what to do with myself the entire time I was there. That is why I would much rather prefer a regular shower. At least I would know what the expectations are.

ErikaLynn75 · January 2014

I'm really trying to have just one shower with both my family and DH's family because we live 6 hours away and our March/April weekends are filling up quickly. I know all of the people invited well. That's not the issue. The comment I made about making small talk that everyone seems to have misunderstood was referring to the guests not knowing each other. So I thought it would be more fun/relaxed if everyone came as a couple rather than just the women.

In the end, we have decided to make it only women, because if it rains, it will be too crowded in the house if we double the guest list by inviting men as well. So it will be a relatively small gathering of just female relatives and my closest friends. Maybe sometime this summer my mom can throw a "meet the baby" to do the big party that she seems to want. I think she's also just excited to entertain in her new house.

There were a few "couple friends" that I thought might want to come (it would be an hour and a half drive for them) if it was a more relaxed co-ed party, but that I have ultimately decided not to invite, since I don't ever hang out with just the female half of the couple, and would feel uncomfortable asking those women to drive an hour and a half to come to a shower where they will probably only know 1-2 other people.

MamaLlama14 · January 2014

SAME. Open House showers always make me feel like my presence isn't necessary- just my gift. It's like the host can't be bothered to put together a 3-4 hour event, so they tell me to just stop by with my gift and chit chat for a few and then go.

I think you can still have a co-ed shower without it being an open house. If space is the issue, ditch the co-ed and/or trim the guest list.

kimberpoo · January 2014

I wouldn't do open-house specifically, but you can make the party more relaxed if you want to. I think I see the ideas your MIL is going for, and you can probably please everyone if you make the event a less formal get together. She could plan it like a party....defined start time with buffet-style food, cocktails, etc and just a relaxed group hanging out at the house. once everyone has arrived and had a chance to grab some food (but before the cake is cut), MIL can let everyone know you'll be opening your presents in an attached area (like if everyone is hanging in the kitchen/dining room, open in the living room) that way all the ladies can see you open gifts but the guys can hang and chat with each other if they don't care to watch presents being opened. Then everyone can chat, plat cards, watch the game, whatever until they want to go.

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