how to settle differences in parenting styles? long post. sorry.

kelli&dave · January 2014

So. I guess this is the right board to post this in for some good advice. I'm learning quickly that my husband and I often don't see eye to eye when it comes to parenting values. He believes my son (3 months old!) is too attached to me. I disagree and tend to think that an attachment to mom (and dad) is very important, especially for young babies. I understand the idea of fostering independence, but the things he complains about are just silly sometimes.
I hold him all the time. I don't let him fuss or cry. bottomline: he thinks i am "babying" our baby too much. I am dumbfounded on a regular basis by the things he says. It seems that parenting has become more about convenience to him at this point.

I have recently gone back to work part time and have been leaving my son and husband for several hours at a time in the evening. I understand his frustration. He has trouble bottlefeeding him and putting him to sleep because our bebe does rely on nursing for comfort. I keep reassuring him that things will get better/easier with practice, but it seems he is expecting this to happen overnight. I don't want him to carry on thinking he is a bad father because he can't soothe LO like mama can. But i'm not sure what to do here...

Our most recent issue is sleep-related. Since day one, our son and i have been sleeping in the bedroom and dad gets the couch. He works long hours and has to wake early, and I figured that since I'm the only one who has to get up for night feedings it would be nice for him to not have to wake up 2 or 3 times a night. While i do miss having him in bed with me, everyone gets better sleep this way. However, recently he has been pushing for LO to sleep in a crib in his own room, so the 2 of us can sleep together again. I agreed to this knowing it wouldn't be easy. Before the switch (about 1 week ago), LO had a nice consistent sleep schedule sleeping from 9-3, 3-6, then 6-8. It was very manageable and almost like clockwork. Now that he is in his crib, he doesn't sleep longer than 2 or 3 hours at a time, often just waking up to be comforted. I cuddle with him on the couch until he falls asleep again, put him back in his room and return to bed. Then I am up again in an hour to feed or cuddle him back to sleep again. Most of the time I am actually in bed with DH, I am awake and waiting to hear LO yelling for mom. I am not getting any sleep this way and neither is my son.

After all of this, DH has joined the ranks of "team cereal". My parents and in laws have been pushing rice cereal in a bottle since the boy was 6 weeks old. I'm not okay with forcing him to eat something his body is not ready for just on the offchance that he MAY sleep longer. Especially since he had such a lovely sleeping pattern before we decided to rock the boat and move him to his crib. He is clearly waking to be comforted, not fed. This is something I am not willing to compromise on.

so many questions...
How do we find balance? How do I get my husband to understand how i am feeling, without starting an argument? How do i make their time together easier on both of them? Will my baby get used to sleeping on his own without losing faith in our bond?

ncbelle · January 2014

First thing I'd ask him is why is he thinking the way he is - is it because it's what he believes in his heart of hearts or is it because he believes that's what he is "supposed" to do? Usually the latter is the case. I would share some short readings with him that support what you want to do. Even sources as mainstream as the AAP recommend against cereal at this age for example. On the sleep issue - I do think it's unfair for DH to have to sleep on the couch. Maybe there's a compromise - is side carring the crib to your bed an option? Then you have the space in the bed for both of you but baby still close.

I do think it's key that both parents see the the value in the choices they are making and to be "on the same page" - it only gets harder as baby gets older! So I'd suggest a calm heart to heart - why does he feel how he does, discussing some readings together (invite him to bring research supporting his point of view too as he may be surprised by what he finds!). And talk

ncbelle · January 2014

Oh and one other thing - I do think it's very valuable for daddy's to be able to put baby to sleep for a number of reasons. You have a perfect built in opportunity for daddy to figure out his trick for getting baby down. For example, my DH always wore our babies to sleep. In fact, there were times when both kids would actually go down easier for daddy at night than for me - true story! And that despite both being big fans of nursing and comfort nursing. Remind him that he can do it! That he just has to find his way - and that way will be different from yours since obviously he can't nurse.

kelli&dave · January 2014

thanks!

i've already asked if we could sidecar. he wasn't keen on the idea. but i will talk to him about it again. really seems like our best option.

It definitely seems like he feels these things are what he is "supposed" to do. We have been exposed to very different kinds of parenting. For example, to me breastfeeding is the "normal" way to feed an infant, he sees formula as the "norm". This is something we didn't even talk about before our son was born but he has been pretty supportive of BFing. He still says things like "I'm usually great with kids, but breastfed babies are so DIFFERENT." lol. ----There are so many other things that we each do that the other sees as strange. Compromise has been really easy until now. I don't want to seem like I am absolutely unwilling to try things his way, but truth is, sometimes i am. And you make a good point in saying that it only gets harder. I'm hoping we will be able to figure things out sooner rather than later.

yeah. · January 2014

It sounds like your husband is feeling a little jealous that, since you've gone back to work, baby is taking all your time. Which is normal, and he might be right.

The one thing that does stand out is the sleeping. I can understand his wanting to sleep with his wife in their bed. Cosleeping only works when both parents are on board; otherwise, it can cause a lot of resentment.

POsted too soon. What about baby in a bassinet in your room?

Just say no to rice cereal. Send him any number of articles (AP or more mainstream) - most pedis recommend against it early, and none recommend putting it in a bottle! Can he go to the dr next time with baby and ask?

Chichigo · January 2014

Can you compromise on the sleep issue, and start baby on his own room, then bring him in bed with you after he wakes up?

blu-eyedwife · January 2014

Something that's important to keep in mind is that parenting is between you and your husband. No one else's opinion matters. That includes the opinions of his parents, friends, and coworkers. My husband and I have an agreement that we're "Team Lastname" against any outside force. It doesn't matter if we actually agree with the parenting decision, but if an outsider asks about it, we defend the decision (like extended breastfeeding. DH could have gone either way with continuing, but if anyone asked if I was "still" breastfeeding he would give them all the reasons why it was a great idea.)

In terms of what goes on between the two of you - sleep sounds like the route of all of it. Getting to sleep, staying asleep, where you sleep. And it's hard. Because lack of sleep makes people very tightly wound. So you two need to sit down and figure out how to get the most sleep possible. And I agree with @ncbelle (which typically happens) about him finding a way to put the baby to sleep. He'll get there. My DH was in charge of bedtime from 6 weeks to 5 months, and then again around 18 months till the present. I also agree with those that think you should be in bed with your husband. I spent a lot of nights falling asleep in the glider in the nursery because of frequent wakeups, but DH always got to sleep in the bed.

LC122 · January 2014

Read him this thread - it lays out your feelings, your issues, and advice people have offered.

Agree with blue eyes about "Team Parents". Decide what you all believe as a family and defend it/stick to it. You two are deciding how to raise your child, let the village help later and by your rules.

Most dads I know take time to get into a comfy groove. Then they develop their own "technique" and master it. I used to watch DH and think "you're doing it wrong; if you just do it like this, LO will be happy". But I watched and waited and learned that he wasn't doing it wrong, he was doing it differently, and he could still make LO happy.
Babies are capable of forming attachments to multiple caregivers, so let DH and LO continue working on theirs.

Stand your ground on the cereal stuff. As Team Parents, you need to make the best, educated decisions you can. That will be one of them. Don't let a moment of weakness/frustration/exhaustion cause you to make a bad decision.

Get DH back in the bed and/or find a way to reconnect. It's the airplane oxygen mask analogy - you've got to take care of yourself (your relationship) before you can take care of others (LO). It's less about timing, more about priorities. If you can help make each other happy, all the sleepless nights will be more tolerable. Also, baby sleep habits change all the time, whether you change anything (bed to crib) or not, so don't assume your LO will never sleep again if not in bed with you.

Again, read him this thread. Assure him that you love him, value him, and have confidence in his abilities as a dad. Communicate, communicate. It's too easy to get caught up in life and forget to talk about it.

kelli&dave · January 2014

thanks, everyone

I think I'll ask him on a date.

Just dinner somewhere, grown ups only. It'll give us a chance to reconnect regarding parenting, and life in general. I think it will help us get on the same page and start working a little more as a team.

I really appreciate everyone's advice.

URMySunshine77 · January 2014

I just want to say that you are a good mom and wife. Three months is a short time to get used to a new addition to the family. You will find your groove.

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how to settle differences in parenting styles? long post. sorry.

Re: how to settle differences in parenting styles? long post. sorry.

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