Seriously angry at FIL (vent)

Zriseon3 · January 2014

So I told my MIL that her and my FIL need to get their pertussis vaccines so that they can be around the baby as per the doctor's orders. My FIL says that he is offended and won't come see the baby then because he refuses to get the vaccine. He's not against vaccines or anything. He just doesn't like being told what to do. It's that WE are asking him to do it. Its so ridiculous. My husband is pissed and I'm upset. MH basically told his parents that if they can't put their grandchild first and get the stupid shot than its clear their priorities aren't there and they don't have a place in our daughter's life. And now they are saying I'm the one who pushes them away and don't want them involved. If I didn't want them there I wouldn't have brought this up in the first place. But now MH is saying if they are gonna be this way he doesn't want them there. To me its simple, if a disease can kill my child then I don't want unvaccinated people around her when she's that vulnerable. Am I being unreasonable? I'm not one to tell people what to do about their own health, but it's also my choice as the parent to say who gets to see my kid. UGH!!! Phew. Thanks for letting me get that out.

Excitedmum35 · January 2014

That seems so silly. Ignore them- if they get the vaccine- awesome- if not- bad luck!

PinupMomma08 · January 2014

Honestly, if I were in the same boat, I'd be upset too. My guess is that they will come around and just get the shot. I'm positive they will want to be around his granddaughter. Why would anyone cut off their nose to spite their own face?

Simple as we would love you to be around, but with the outbreaks that kill infants my doctor strongly suggests anyone who comes in close contact with any baby needs to be vaccinated or they could contract whooping cough and die. We agree with our doctor, and the plethora of information regarding pertussis in every doctors office in America.

sebullows · January 2014

PinupMomma08 said:
Honestly, if I were in the same boat, I'd be upset too. My guess is that they will come around and just get the shot. I'm positive they will want to be around his granddaughter. Why would anyone cut off their nose to spite their own face?

Simple as we would love you to be around, but with the outbreaks that kill infants my doctor strongly suggests anyone who comes in close contact with any baby needs to be vaccinated or they could contract whooping cough and die. We agree with our doctor, and the plethora of information regarding pertussis in every doctors office in America.

This! My mom was a little hesitant at first since she'd never heard of it or got it for her 4 children. But once she realized I really was serious, she is not staying with me or my baby unless she gets it, she caved. LO comes first now.

Zriseon3 · January 2014

The desire to see the baby is the only reason my MIL has agreed. My FIL is stubborn and honestly hasn't been very excited about the baby at all. So oh well. I guess our daughter will just call him "that guy" instead of grandpa.

PinupMomma08 · January 2014

That's his choice! I hope he comes around though. What a dumb hill to die on.

coreyeliz · January 2014

I seriously cannot comprehend all these family members refusing to get the tDap. I think it's awesome that you and your DH are standing your ground. Your FIL is being insanely selfish. In the end he will either come around or it's his loss. Just watch out for a situation where he shows up anyway because he thinks you'll cave if he's standing at the door.

SurpriseAt39 · January 2014

I wouldn't get a shot just to be able to see someone's baby.
I won't be getting the shot myself, neither will DH.

My OB has never mentioned it so I'm not asking.

If you insist, and they don't do it, then you avoid having them see baby.
I wouldn't get too upset.

Edit: typed too fast

erind0213 · January 2014

This is a tough area for me as well. I was vaccinated at 30 weeks, and DH was with me and heard the Dr.explain who all should get vaccinated.

Needless to say he doesn't do needles and does not want to get it. I can't and won't force him, and therefore can't force others in the family to do it either. I can suggest, and explain why it is a good idea and perhaps others will consider but I won't not share LO with others just because they didn't get a vaccine.

Sanibel21 · January 2014

We are in the exact same standoff with my FIL. And he was such a jerk about it too. No advice. Just wanted to commiserate.

NortyLeigh · January 2014

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Whooping cough is no joke. I don't think that every person who is going to come in contact with a baby neccessarilly needs the shot (even though that would be nice) but anyone who is planning on staying in your home, in close proximity to baby really should have it. A lot of places give the shot to grandparents for free (my in-laws and my dad got theirs for free just because they were going to be new grandparents). It's ridiculous that your FIL is being so stubborn. I would have a big problem with him for acting the way he's acting over a simple shot that could save your child's life.

aracelyluna · January 2014

Have you tried sending them any literature about the vaccine and why it's so important for them to get it? I know my dad is the stubborn one, he also didn't like to be told what to do and felt that we were exaggerating. When I sent him official information from the CDC, including how babies could be infected he changed his toon. It helps to not get upset and don't make it a power struggle. It's not it's as simple as you get the vaccine because it's the best thing for baby. Good luck!

erinsullivan427 · January 2014

Ask them to go to shotbyshot.org and read about real babies who died from something preventable. My sister's SIL refused and didn't hold her niece for 8-10 weeks. To anyone whose OB didn't mention it, your OB is uninformed. This is very dangerous. Do some research.

Zriseon3 · January 2014

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It's his right to choose whether or not he gets the vaccine. But it's our choice whether he gets to see her. My grandparents are too old and can't get vaccinated but they will have limited contact until she's vaccinated anyway. I guess my FIL wasn't planning on being around the baby much anyway. But DH is so mad that he's being this stubborn that he doesn't want him there at all now. I finally gave up and told him that it's up to him to deal with now.

Israfel · January 2014

My mom is being the same way. It's totally infuriating.

fish8412 · January 2014

That is ridiculous and I am sorry you and your husband have to deal with that. It is really stupid on his part to be causing this drama and not wanting to be careful around his grandchild.

craftiemommie · January 2014

SurpriseAt39 said:
I wouldn't get a shot just to be able to see someone's baby.
I won't be getting the shot myself, neither will DH.

My OB has never mentioned it so I'm not asking.

If you insist, and they don't do it, then you avoid having them see baby.
I wouldn't get too upset.

Edit: typed too fast

Your OB has never mentioned the vaccine? This seems strange!

ChristineRich06 · January 2014

I had a similar fight with my dad with DD1. DH and I were living with my parents at the time so there was no avoiding them. I wanted everyone to get a flu shot. My dad went on and on about how he's never had one and didn't want one. I yelled at him and said if the baby got sick it was his fault and he would have to live with it. My mom talked him into getting the shot and we all moved on. I know it's different with ILs. Mine get all pissed because FIL is sick, he has cancer and it's spreading. We don't go see them because they have a teeny apartment and they smoke inside. I don't like it there, I don't want my kids or unborn baby there. I don't mean to make them mad but the freaking smoking is the reason you are sick. You want to expose your grandkids to it too???
Sorry I hope your FIL realises he's being dumb.

katykatykaty · January 2014

erind0213 said:

This is a tough area for me as well. I was vaccinated at 30 weeks, and DH was with me and heard the Dr.explain who all should get vaccinated.

Needless to say he doesn't do needles and does not want to get it. I can't and won't force him, and therefore can't force others in the family to do it either. I can suggest, and explain why it is a good idea and perhaps others will consider but I won't not share LO with others just because they didn't get a vaccine.

You're either pushing a baby out or having one cut out of you, and he is afraid of a tiny needle? This would not go over well in our house...

Zriseon3 · January 2014

It's coming to light that they are anti-vaxxers which their kids were all vaccinated so I don't understand. It must be a new thing for them. My MIL claims she knows vaccines aren't safe because she's a scientist. To clarify, she is an electrical engineer. No medical training whatsoever. I guess when it comes down to it my FIL's stubbornness and the fact that he is putting his "principles" before his granddaughter is what has me upset. But with my inlaws I am honestly not surprised though. I kept hoping a grandchild would give my FIL a new perspective on things. But he still doesn't seem interested. And he won't even visit at all or wear a mask since he doesn't want to be "blamed for getting her sick". And my MIL told us today that she will pray that we don't hurt our daughter when we vaccinate her. That about sent me over the edge.

karacakes98 · January 2014

I empathize. My ILs aren't getting vaccinated, either. DH has decided they're not allowed to visit at all if they don't change their minds. I'm glad he's sticking to his guns on it -- I didn't want to be perceived as the bitchy daughter in law, but in the end, I'll deal with any perception in order to keep my daughter safe!

Zriseon3 · January 2014

My mom told me I'm overreacting. I don't think I am. Not with the current number of outbreaks. And since my IL's run a tutoring center where they are around kids a lot they are at a higher risk of having it then say my 80 year old grandma who can't get vaccinated and hardly ever leaves her house anyway.

Missfunball · January 2014

I'm sure he will get it, his wife will talk some sense into him

Zriseon3 · January 2014

Missfunball said:
I'm sure he will get it, his wife will talk some sense into him

If only you knew my inlaws. My FIL left our wedding reception as soon as dinner was over.

@bandteacher It was MY mom who said I was overreacting about the IL's. My mom has all of her shots done. But she thinks we are being too hard on MH's parents. To me its simply the idea that they aren't putting the baby first with something so simple that upsets me.

BTBergstrom · January 2014

I just sent an email to my family about getting their shots and now let the drama begin!!! My ILs I totally love and they are all on board in fact they both had their shots back in 2012! My mom and step dad are looking into if they have had theirs or not they can't remember but said they would get them if they hadn't. My dad though and my step mom are a different story. I sent my dad a bunch of info regarding the shot and he hasn't said much but my step mom flat out said she won't be getting it. There is already so much drama that has gone on with my dad since I got married and I feel like he is finally starting to make an effort again and now this is going to start drama all over again. Do I need to push the vaccine or just not let them babysit. I know a lot of you sound like you are banning relatives from being near your lil ones. I probably would push it more with them if things weren't already so rocky.

erinsullivan427 · January 2014

BTBergstrom said:
I just sent an email to my family about getting their shots and now let the drama begin!!! My ILs I totally love and they are all on board in fact they both had their shots back in 2012! My mom and step dad are looking into if they have had theirs or not they can't remember but said they would get them if they hadn't. My dad though and my step mom are a different story. I sent my dad a bunch of info regarding the shot and he hasn't said much but my step mom flat out said she won't be getting it. There is already so much drama that has gone on with my dad since I got married and I feel like he is finally starting to make an effort again and now this is going to start drama all over again. Do I need to push the vaccine or just not let them babysit. I know a lot of you sound like you are banning relatives from being near your lil ones. I probably would push it more with them if things weren't already so rocky.

It is a tough situation. I've been told to just not let anyone come into contact. So they can see the baby but not hold them. I think of it this way. They are adults and can make their own decisions, but that baby is solely depending on you for protection. You get to decide what is best. I just don't know how I would forgive myself if something happened to baby because I was trying to appease my stubborn GROWN parents. This is the first of possibly many issues we might face. Our parents got to raise us and we are now raising our kids. We will probably be having discussions about TV watching at grandmas house, grandpa making sure kids wear their helmets, etc.

Zriseon3 · January 2014

FarmBoysWife said:
I think Canadians don't have the problem with outbreaks that we Americans have.. I think?

I think with the healthcare system in Canada people are more likely to already be vaccinated for it. It's the tetanus booster as well. So it's pretty standard. What's interesting with my in-laws is that my teenage BIL's are both vaccinated but their parents are refusing. Its strange.

RoxyV111582 · January 2014

i'm getting my tDap at 36 weeks, i also got it from my general doctor in march 2012 when we started trying to get pregnant, i have yet to bring this up with my mom, brothers, in laws, SIL, they would the ones who i'd really want to get the vaccine, since they are the most likely to be there most of the time with the baby while he is little. hoping to have this conversation with them soon, fingers crossed!

Hope your FIL caves and just gets the vaccine, the tdap has the tetanus booster so he should be getting that regardless.

kimberpoo · January 2014

that sucks. I could see his hesitation if he was against vaccinations or something like that, but to refuse just because you asked them to do it? That totally sucks. Is he a self-centered kinda guy?

good luck.....I hope they come to their senses and understand it's for the benefit of your LO, not some personal control thing.

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