I must make friends

brachysira · January 2014

I posted a few months ago about how I couldn't make friends in my moms' group. Well, that immediately got better when someone in the group that I did like invited us to the museum with her kids sometime. She immediately then dropped off the face of the earth. The moms' group then got worse when the leader quit and a new person took over--a person who I don't connect with and who wants to make a ton of events mandatory for members--events that occur during dinner time for my family. I have gone to every other baby activity in the world I can find. Usually people are nice, but I never make friends. Today I went to some group at the city's alternative birthing center, and of course that was a bad idea. The moms were all taking about what waitlists they were on for preschool (we are on none and know nothing about this) and bragging about how quickly their older kids did genius-level math, etc. I feel like my LO would be better off if I just got a job and put her in daycare. At least then I would probably have a work community and perhaps we could meet friends at daycare. I just can't stand to go to more events where we listen to other moms who know each other brag about their kids or where everyone just nods and doesn't engage. But if we stay home, we just watch TV or do other things that probably aren't great. Plus, I just need connections. And if we have to send her to a competitive preschool at 2.5, as we learned today in this group, we're going to need more cash anyway.

Drea926 · January 2014

Hmmmm.

One day I'm going to invent a wine cafe where it is perfectly acceptable to go there in the middle of the day with babies. All the chill moms would hang there and sip Sauvignon Blanc while eating pastries. The conversation would not constantly revolve around kids. Is there anything like that? Probably in France.

This response was not helpful in any way, I apologize.

Poppy523 · January 2014

Ugh, I know EXACTLY how you feel...it is so hard

Did you search for any other Mommy and Me type classes? We go to a Baby fitness class and I have met a few moms there, but the conversation is limited so that helps. We do Mommy and Me Yoga, free storytime at the library, and swim classes at the Y. I don't have any BFFs at these things but I have mommys I talk to everytime we go, and it gets DD and I out of the house and socializing. I have scheduled it so we have something to do everyday, since I have to study a lot when we are home it gives her an hour or two where I am completely focused on playing with her and she is interacting with other people.

eriannc22 · January 2014

Sorry you're struggling! It took me six months of going to mommy meetups before I finally found a group of girls that I really like. Have you tried asking on this board? I met one momma like that when we were pregnant and soon we will be at each other's kid's first birthday parties.

singingsea · January 2014

Drea926 said:

Hmmmm. One day I'm going to invent a wine cafe where it is perfectly acceptable to go there in the middle of the day with babies. All the chill moms would hang there and sip Sauvignon Blanc while eating pastries. The conversation would not constantly revolve around kids. Is there anything like that? Probably in France. This response was not helpful in any way, I apologize.

Drea926 · January 2014

eriannc22 said:
Sorry you're struggling! It took me six months of going to mommy meetups before I finally found a group of girls that I really like. Have you tried asking on this board? I met one momma like that when we were pregnant and soon we will be at each other's kid's first birthday parties.

Ooh good suggestion! Bump friends! What state do you live in?

colinsfebmommy · January 2014

I hear you 100% I was just talking to my husband about this. I love my friends but after having a baby I see them far off is the distance. No joke, one of my "friends" every time she asks me to do something it goes like this "We should do dinner, you can get a baby-sitter" or this one "we are going to have a bonfire, why don't you guys drop the kid off and come and have some drinks" Um, I like my child thank you, I do go out without him but you would see me more if I could bring him. I work full time so I see him for 30 minutes before work then from 6-9 at night....I don't love giving up an evening of being with him to eat chicken with you. I never thought I would be like this but *sigh* motherhood changed me. I need friends with kids.

a13049 · January 2014

I totally get you. I feel stuck in between, and I need friends who have babies. I have gone to two types of groups, one is all mom who spent an hour complaining aboout how they don't get enough assistance and their multiple baby daddies not giving enough child support. They were giving one girl advice on having a second child so her bf would finally commit and they could get married. WTF!!! The other group seemed great, but after the first time I went whoever wasn't their they all bad mouthed adn were so judgy I would never feel comfortable being myself around them.

PhieryBFly · January 2014

I'm in the same situation. Additionally, it seems like nearly all baby activities or groups meet up on the far side of town so I have to budget at least 45 mins of travel time just to check it out. If you come up with a solution, let me know!

I'm in Tucson, Arizona btw

brachysira · January 2014

Thanks! At least we can commiserate. I live in Lansing, MI?? DH is considering moving b/c he'd make more at another job but we probably won't since cost of living is pretty good here.

I do want to join a church but DH and I are pretty agnostic and he thinks it's bad to go to church if you're not there with full confidence about what you're doing. I think church is a good community base and I like worship and want LO to know about it, but I do kind of agree that if we're not 100% committed that it's kind of bad. So we're sort of stuck with inaction on that right now.

I think where I live is a little too small to have a lot of the Mommy and Me things but I have searched high and low and we do have something we can go to every day. Part of it is that I really do not click with some of the people. I mean, it's just unlikely that because we both have children that we can be good friends. But it's also true that many people just do not seem to be looking for friends and are happy to interact with their child and smile at yours and that's it. Especially at some of the more activity-focused things, people are obviously there more so their kid learns how to swim or gets top-notch music lessons. It might even be grandma or dad next to me at these events... And yes, it does seem sort of weird to drive 20 minutes or more just to walk around the mall or something. Perhaps I should just move home and be friends with all the people I went to high school with that are still in town with toddlers...although that thought depresses me more than not having any friends here...

tamarar5 · January 2014

I'm in Kalamazoo and I totally feel your pain! I thought I had built a nice circle of mom friends when dd was at The catholic school, but they stopped talking to us as soon as we no longer attended their school.

SidraJedi · January 2014

Its tough. Its a lot like dating.
:-c Unfortunately
=(( You have to get out there and get bold and ask moms to hang out and often there is no chemistry or they are too wild or too conservative etc. But also like dating you must keep trying if you are going to find a keeper! Buck up, there are plenty of fish in the sea!

I was burned/bummed a few times and then met a mom at the park who has a good friend in common with me and so far so good between she and I ::knocks on wood:: And then one of my good friends is having a little girl in June, And I agree that meeting moms through the bump can be a good idea too!

But I still really want something like Drea suggested. I've said as much to DH, that I want to live near a place like a cafe that has a huge indoor play area for kids where the moms and dads can hang out and drink coffee, tea, or wine and there's no ridiculous fees or memberships, just a good, slightly atmospheric baby/kid-friendly cafe to go to whenever.

brachysira · January 2014

You know, I am honestly kind of bad at making friends. Not only have I not asked anyone to meet up for coffee, but I barely start conversations. I can be in a group of people and sometimes I'm the only one who isn't talking to someone. To that end, it doesn't often get to the point where I think I could further things. I mean, "how old is your baby" is hardly enough to be like, "and do you want to hang out sometime?" I need to try to be friendlier.

As for MI, yeah, there seems to be a lot of mom action in the Brighton/Ann Arbor area, but MI is a big place...lots of moms but hard to find one within a reasonable playdate distance.

Drea926 · January 2014

brachysira said:

You know, I am honestly kind of bad at making friends. Not only have I not asked anyone to meet up for coffee, but I barely start conversations. I can be in a group of people and sometimes I'm the only one who isn't talking to someone. To that end, it doesn't often get to the point where I think I could further things. I mean, "how old is your baby" is hardly enough to be like, "and do you want to hang out sometime?" I need to try to be friendlier.

As for MI, yeah, there seems to be a lot of mom action in the Brighton/Ann Arbor area, but MI is a big place...lots of moms but hard to find one within a reasonable playdate distance.

You could maybe meet in the middle somewhere? I'm from more southern Massachusetts and @DublinMama is from northern New Hampshire. We both drive about an hour when we meet up but it is so worth it!

I know it's hard to be outgoing and to strike up conversations with strangers, but most people are also looking for friends. You never know until you try!

brachysira · January 2014

uncaripswife said:

SidraJedi said:

I want to live near a place like a cafe that has a huge indoor play area for kids where the moms and dads can hang out and drink coffee, tea, or wine and there's no ridiculous fees or memberships, just a good, slightly atmospheric baby/kid-friendly cafe to go to whenever.

We have this in my town! There is a small fee for the kiddos to play. And no wine. But there is a cafe. I never go and I don't know why, because I long for mommy friends, too! WTH is wrong with me!?

We do sort of have this. No wine, no cafe, but they do have couches and tables for eating if you bring food. They say, oh, relaxing atmosphere for moms while little ones play. But it is expensive and you have to join. And this has only resulted in one positive interaction so far. Most of the time, it is two year olds who are there and they run around, take things away from LO, and generally make it so I have to mediate a bit. Plus, some of the toys there are a little small and since she tries to eat everything, I have to watch that too, and so I never make it to the couch. Plus, a lot of the moms there come in pairs. Some are even speaking other languages to each other. Or they are nannies. So although they are friendly in as much as they try to make their toddler give back the ball he stole, they are not interested in visiting. I might look hyper attachment-y to some of them, but I really don't see how I can't watch closely when tiny magnets, pegs, and rocks are headed towards her mouth constantly. And to that end, it's kind of not fun to go since often I'm dealing with DD's temper tantrums about not being allowed to play with the pegs or sheltering her from some bully 2 year-olds. Once a woman was there with a baby close to DD's age and we had fun, but I never got her info and I haven't run into her again...blah... I will keep trying. I'm sure this place will work better when DD is a little older and I can trust her to be slightly more independent.

cinnasugar · January 2014

I feel you. I do think you've gotten a lot of good advice, and here are my thoughts. It seems like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Finding friends IS like dating, in that the more pressure you put on yourself, the harder it gets. If you find it hard to take the initiative at meetups and classes, set a small goal for yourself. Like, today, I'm going to talk to one friendly looking mom. If you hit it off, ask them out to lunch. Everyone has to eat, right? If not, no big deal and you can always try next week. And when you just let it go and don't worry about it, all of a sudden you'll look back and realize you've made a few friends.

@Drea926 - Yes, wine cafe would be good.

PB&J9 · January 2014

I don't post much but I feel the need to jump in on this thread. My advice to you is to make the initiative. Strike up a conversation with the mom... how old is your kid? Is he/she getting into everything? How is babyproofing? What does your kid like to eat? How often does he/she nap, b/c my LO hates it? etc etc. Then say something like... I heard about this great park (childrens museum, indoor playground, etc) and I've been wanting to take LO and try it out sometime... would y'all be interested in joining us? OR I really want to get my LO together to socialize with more kids... would y'all be interested in doing a play date? OR open up a little... say that you are new and/or don't know many people with kids and that you want to meet more people. Ask them if they are part of any good groups.

Another suggestion is starting your own group on meetup.com. I'd be willing to bet there are more moms in your area who would love to attend a weekly meet-up at a park or playground.

It can be really hard to put yourself out there, especially for the introverted types. You are going through a major life change (all of us first time moms are!). You aren't alone and you are doing an awesome thing being home with your LO. It really is like dating though. You've got to put yourself out there and realize you won't click with everyone. I met my mom friend by just going up to her door, ringing the bell and introducing myself! Another neighbor had told me she was a SAHM and had a LO close to my child's age. So I just made the leap, we exchanged numbers and now we're getting together with our kids twice a week and she has introduced me to some other moms. We don't share all the same political and religious ideas, but we have a lot of parenting ideas in common. So before kids, she might not have been someone I would have clicked with but as parents we have a lot in common. However I did get burned by another mom who I really liked pre-baby but she was just not interested in getting together. I invited her for lunch twice and both times she cancelled. She never called back to make other plans or invite me to anything so I just let that go.

So good luck, be brave! And let me know when that wine cafe opens!

cinnasugar · January 2014

PB&J9 said:

We don't share all the same political and religious ideas, but we have a lot of parenting ideas in common. So before kids, she might not have been someone I would have clicked with but as parents we have a lot in common.

This is really true. I have many friends with different 'categories' if you will. Like my best college friends are my best friends. But I have mom friends, friends I've met through my work/my husband's work, etc. Some of them, I like getting together with but we aren't 'soul mates' per say - we just have enough in common to get together or are going through the same stages in life.

light52 · January 2014

SidraJedi said:

But I still really want something like Drea suggested. I've said as much to DH, that I want to live near a place like a cafe that has a huge indoor play area for kids where the moms and dads can hang out and drink coffee, tea, or wine and there's no ridiculous fees or memberships, just a good, slightly atmospheric baby/kid-friendly cafe to go to whenever.

Our local Chick-fil-a has Kids Connection every Tuesday morning. They have an indoor play area that is glassed in, story and craft time for the kids, and parents get a free small drink. I started going there to meet friends and now it is a weekly thing for a huge group of us. We let the older kids play in the play area while we sit on the other side of the glass and feed the babies a snack and drink our coffee.

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