Infertility Veterans
KezziRiv
member
me:33 my wife:32 married in June '12
LONG road through IF ending in heartbreak and frustration.
How to deal?
KezziRiv
member
Ladies,
I am just super struggling, I was over on Infertility boards until about September I think( all my details are in my siggy), around the time of our failed first IUI with my DW, then I just felt like I needed to distance myself because I was getting too depressed. Well, we just went through another (#3) iui with DW and she started to bleed today (13dpo). I just can't even deal.
I don't know why this isn't working, why with two wombs we don't have a kid yet, why.... I just keep wondering did I do something bad somewhere along the line? Is this karma? or the universe? This morning I just hugged her and when she left for work I just felt dead inside. I gave up my career back when we though this was going to happen quickly and I'd be knocked up in no time and now I'm stuck in a half time position where kids come up to me to tell me they are knocked up and I am just like awesome.
I don't know, I just am wondering how to deal with this feeling...I know DW wants to stop trying and maybe look at adoption/surrogacy or being CF. I know CF is not a real option for me and I just don't know how to have the conversation without flipping out.
sorry to dump my debbie downer all over this board but I know you all understand....
me:33 my wife:32 married in June '12
LONG road through IF ending in heartbreak and frustration.
Moving on to Adoption : matched 5/14!
Our beautiful son was born August 25, 2014!!
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Re: How to deal?
I recognize you and I'm so sorry you two have had such a rough go at things. I hope you can find lots of support here and possibly a renewed or different path to parenthood.
ETA: Do you or do you together have a therapist or counselor who deals with IF issues? It's been a big help for me. Also check out https://www.resolve.org/ and see if you can find a support group in your area. It really helps to meet people IRL and even make connections. Also you might learn about opportunities in your local area that you weren't aware of for pursuing building a family.
TTC #1 since 1/10
DX: Unexplained/??? MFI issues
Our lil' lost sparks:
5w3d loss 7/30/10 - EDD March 2011
8w loss 4/15/11 - EDD November 2011
8w3d loss 8/2/12 - EDD March 2013
4w c/p loss 10/29/12 - EDD July 2013
Long story: trying on our own + testing testing testing with 6 rounds of Clomid, more testing, injectables + TI, laparoscopy - one tube blocked, 2 IUIs with Follistim...BFNs.
RPL testing all normal, Karyotyping normal
Moving on to IVF.
IVF #1 April 2012 = BFN, IVF #2 June 2012 = BFP. U/S 7/23 = saw heartbeat but measuring behind. Follow up U/S on 7/30 - no heartbeat. D&C 8/2. Trisomy 12. IVF #3 Oct 2012 = Chemical Pregnancy
Phone consult with CCRM on 12/12/12 - ODWU 1/4/13 - both tubes clear(!) - AFC 24, AMH 3.2, FSH 9.6, LH 5.4, E2 25. DH has high frag rate but improved!
IVF #4 March 2013 CCRM. EP protocol w/ Menopur, Gonal-F & Dexamethasone. ER 3/29 & IMSI, PICSI. 43R 13M 10F 6blasts bio'd. CCS testing reveals 3 normals!!!
FET 5/31/13 of 1 4AA blast - thawed and expanded. 4dp5dt BFP.
Beta 9dp5dt = 181, 11dp5dt = 427. 1st u/s showed a healthy heartbeat! EDD 2/16/14
After 4 years of hoping and heartbreak, our sweet little bean was born on 2/19/14
We are so in love with her.
"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."
Everybody is welcome!!!
Welcome! I've been wondering what was going on with you and your DW after you disappeared for awhile. I'm happy to 'see' you back here, although I wish it was under different circumstances. I think we all run those same questions through our minds again and again. I just did yesterday after another failed matching conference. I need to learn how to stop taking it all so personally, but it's so hard. DH keeps telling me that I have no control over the whole thing, but as a self-diagnosed control freak, that's hard to accept!
What has helped me lately is having a back up plan to our back up plans. I force DH to sit down and decide, before we even start a treatment, what our next step will be if/when the current treatment fails. That way, I know it isn't the end of the road, even though it feels that way quite often. It is easier for me to pick myself back up if I have another plan to start working on.
I think seeing a therapist might be a good idea, too. I personally haven't. I realize I need to, but I'd probably just cry a huge ugly cry every single appointment and I can't waste good mascara on that
Kidding. Kinda.
Sending you huge hugs and lots of strength to get through the next few days as you put together a new plan. Hang in there!
ttc #2 since 2004 Me (35): Stage 3 Endo, DH (34): High DNA Frag
IVF/ICSI #2: April 2014: BFP!!!!!!
ET of 2 great quality embryos. + BFP on 9dp5dt. Beta #1 (10dp5dt): 257, Beta #2 (14dp5dt): 1561,
Beta #3 (21dp5d5): 8,172. Wow. It seems this is actually working. Shocked beyond belief.
1st u/s @6w5d: Baby A hb 124, Baby B hb 127 (Both measuring perfectly!)
Lost baby A. Praying that baby B stays healthy. Baby B hb 175 at 11 weeks
It's a GIRL!!!
My Blog
************ Signature/Ticker Warning ************
Me (32) DH (36) - Finding our way to baby #1
Me: POF/DOR - AMH <0.16, heterozygous c677t MTHFR, insulin resistant and gluten intolerant
DH: Severe MFI
12/2/11 - IUI #1- BFN
8/1/12 - IVF #1 - Zero response from max stims (600iu intramuscularly)
My ovaries are just for decoration
12/6/12 - Adopted five embryos that had been frozen for over ten years!
2/11/13 - DEmbryo FET #1 Thawed four, sadly two didn't survive. Transferred two beautiful blasts.
2/16/13 - First BFP of my life @ 6dp5dt! EDD 10/30/13
3/27/13 - After beta and u/s hell, no heartbeat ever detected. D&C at 9w1d.
6/5/13 - Adopted four new embryos that had been frozen for seven years!
9/12/13 - DEmbryo FET #2. Thawed and transferred two beautiful blasts
9/17/13 - BFP @ 5dp6dt! EDD 05/31/14
9/29/13 - m/c @ 5w1d.
11/19/13 - DEmbryo FET #3. Thawed and transferred one blast from each batch. Wow!
11/23/13 - BFP @ 4dp6dt! EDD 8/7/13
Beta #1 @ 13dp6dt - 522 Beta #2 @ 16dp6dt - 1373
6w5d ultrasound showed one perfect baby with a beautiful heartbeat of 134bpm!
Snowflake baby is a girl!
Our beautiful Snowflake girl arrived on July 22, 2014!
My embryo adoption blog: Wishing on a Snowflake
TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
DE IVF #3 1/14 ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d
DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!
K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days
SAIF/PAIF Welcome
http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com
*******siggy/ticker warning*****
Me(31). DH (31)
DH SA normal count and motility, 1% morphology
Me .72 AMH, Fragile X premutation carrier
IVF #1 (6/12/13) BFN
IVF #2 (8/16/13) BFN
FET 10/4/13 Chemical
IVF #3 MC 5 weeks 5 days
IVF #4 DE 11/7 BFP, edd 7/28/15
All Welcome
Hysteroscopy 3/2011 2 Polyps removed 4/2011
DH on Clomid / Arimidex to address hormonal issues - Sperm found July 2011!
IVF #1 September 2011 - ER 9/8/2011- 8R, 5M - icsi - 1 made it to transfer - BFFN :-(
IVF #2 Lucky November 2011 - ER 11/25/2011 - 15 eggs!, 13 mature, 10 fertilized with isci - 7 made it to transfer! Transferred 1 - 8 cell and 2 - 7 cell. BFP!!!!
1st U/S - Twins! 2nd U/S - 3 heartbeats!!! - HOLY COW!!!
Prayers for our take home babies!
2 babies born on 3/27/12 and lost. Last baby born on 3/29/12 and lost at 20 weeks.
My angels grew wings shortly after birth.
Ahava Raisel, Matisyahu Nissim & Zev Chaim - Mommy and Daddy will always love you.
IVF #3 July 2012 - ER 7/17/2012 - 10 R. 5 F. 4 made it to ET
Transferred 2 on 7/20/2012 no snow babies :-(
Beta on 7/31/2012 = BFMFN
A miracle gift expected to come to us through adoption around 9/2012
Baby girl adopted - Birth Mother changed her mind and took the baby back
IVF #4 October 2012 - New RE. Doing PGD Testing. 8 R, 7F, 2 made it to 5 day blast for PDG testing. Both Normal (Thank you G-d!!!) 1 boy and 1 girl
transferred one beautiful 5day blast (girl)
Please G-d the almighty one - let this be our take home baby!
Beta #1 158, Beta #2 318, 1 Absolutely magnificent HB at 175! Thank you G-d!!!
Baby Girl born August 5th. Thank you G-d for our precious miracle.
AMA. PAIF & SAIF always welcome - I need all the prayers I can get!
Me (34)- no issues found MH (36)- MFI due to Vericocele. Straight to IVF w/ICSI 9/12, Antagonist. 9R, 7M, 5F = BFN c/p, New RE for IVF #2- 1/13., Long Lupron. ER on 1/22 -10R, 9M, 9F. Transfer on hold due to overstimming. FET in Feb. 2 frozen blasts. Another BFN & another c/p. RPL testing all negative besides MTHFR gene, vericocle repair surgery 4/12/13-Bilateral Grade 3 Vericocele found & fixed, IVF #3 with PGS 4/13- 11R, 9M, 9F. Transferred 2 normal=BFN, 3 normal on ice. CCRM-here we come! ODWU-All test results normal. EPP in August. 21R, 20M, 19F. 12 blasts biopsied & frozen for CCS testing. Results showed 11 normal! FET Oct. 30. 2 5d 4AA blasts transferred. First ever BFP!!! Beta 1=216, Beta 2=870 1st U/S=It's TWINS!!! It's a BOY and a GIRL!! Everyone Welcome!!!
IVF #1: ER 1/23/13- 4 eggs retrieved, 3 eggs fertilized; ET with 1 embryo 1/28/13 2 frosties beta #1 2/5 was 4.8- beta #2 2/7 3.5; BFN
FET #1- transferred one beautiful 4AA embie. Praying this is my take home baby. Beta 5/7/13- BFFN!!!
IVF #2: ER 7/17/13: 6R/3F- transferred 1 blast and 1 10 cell embryo 5dt. Beta hell. #1 2.5, #2 2.2- BFFFN! REALLY?
IVF #3: ER 12/1 and only 2 retrieved. 1 fertilized with ICSI. Was planning on transferring one fresh and one frozen....fresh was only 14 cells at day 5...CANCELLED and devastated due to 5cm blood filled cyst in ovary and blood in uterus.
IVF #4: Antagonist protocol with endometrial scratch day one of stims. ER 4/21: 6R/4M/3F- transferred 2 beautiful blasts (5dt) and one was hatching! No frosties but hoping we won't need it! Beta 5/4/14- 444(8dp5dt), Beta #2 10dp5dt 1002! THIS HAS GOT TO BE IT!!!!!!!!!! First US 5/15 we saw two of the most beautiful gestational and yolk sacs I have ever seen!
****FINALLY PREGNANT WITH DI/DI TWINS!!!!!!!
me:33 my wife:32 married in June '12
LONG road through IF ending in heartbreak and frustration.