12wks pg with rainbow baby...Terrified

RFraser21 · January 2014

I lost my daughter at 21 weeks due to a tear in my uterus and fluid loss. The doctor really had no answers for me as to why or how it happened or what could be done to fix it. (Sadly I got more information from the internet as I suffer from pcos and believe my hormonal imbalance caused me to have a thin uterus along with violently puking everyday for months, my gyno told me it wouldn't affect my pregnancy....) I layed in a hospital bed feeling my baby move and hiccup and heard a strong heart beat every day for a week before I was told nothing can be done to save her and I could wait until I go into labor or be induced. It's an indescribable feeling to be told its up to you to decide let your baby die inside of you because she doesn't have adequate amniotic fluid or be induced and give birth to a living baby that will die in your arms. My partner and I were soooo excited to be having our first child and now were facing this sickening decision. I thank God everyday that my body went into labor naturally the next day so we didn't have to voice a decision. We weren't sure when we would want to try again for a baby and really weren't trying but we have been blessed with another baby and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. Things seem to be going fine but I can't help but be terrified that I will lose this baby too! Everyyyyyone says it'll be different this time, no one knows that for sure and I won't know until this baby is in my arms happy and healthy. It's hard to have so many emotions swirling around something that's supposed to be so exciting. I'm still grieving the loss of my daughter, she was due Feb. 8/14, so her due date is coming near and I just think about how far along I would be with her. I want to snap my fingers and be 40 weeks with this baby and have a healthy delivery. I feel the next 28 weeks are going to be stressful and exhausting emotionally, mentally, physically. My partner being a man thought having another baby would help us deal with the loss of our first but to be honest it's just scary for me and very emotional. I took 4 months of Maternity leave and now have to begin working in Feb. and it's just all so stressful for me, I feel this weight on my shoulders that I don't think will be gone until this baby is here with us, if we're so lucky. Is it normal to be so scared with a rainbow baby?

shandorfml2 · January 2014

Hi, sorry for the loss of your daughter. Thereis a board called pregnant after a loss that might be more helpful. Not everyone here is pregnant. But i am assuming it is normal to be terrified

MCH77 · January 2014

((Hugs))

Noethola · January 2014

***Siggy warning***

it is normal to be terrified, and it is normal to basically feel like the ball will drop on you again at any point in your pregnancy. I would suggest finding an OB that actually listens to you and will take your fears seriously. If you cannot trust your dr, your whole experience will not be as good. Find one that will do all they can to alleviate your fears and help you.

I also agree the Pregnant after a Loss board is a great resource for what you are dealing with.

philfemgal · January 2014

*siggy warning/rainbow baby*

I'm very sorry about your loss. Yes it's absolutely normal to be terrified!

I know what you mean about the weight on your shoulders. And for us, it did lift when our daughter was born healthy and happy. (That's not to say we don't still grieve or that the feeling of loss went away, but that horrible anxiety that the same thing would happen again in our rainbow pregnancy is gone.)

I agree with the previous posters about the PGAL board (and also I think there is a pgal check in here on the loss board) and finding an OB who understands your fears. About people in everyday life, though, it's tough. I found it so incredibly unhelpful to be told "it will be okay this time" when--as you say--no one can possibly know that! (And in our case, that's what folks told us after we lost our first twin and, no, it was NOT okay after that--we then lost the other twin at almost 18.5 weeks.) When we announced our rainbow pregnancy to some close friends (in an email) we actually tried to explain diplomatically how we were feeling--hopeful but also terrified and not in a place where we could just be happy about the pregnancy. We said we would be in that blissful/happy state after the baby was here. We found after that they largely followed our lead; being excited/hopeful when we were and validating our fears or just listening when we expressed our anxiety. Perhaps if you can find a way to express what would be helpful to you and what isn't, it would help?

Other than that, we found you just gt through the best way you can. We had a count down of construction paper rings in a chain of days left in each trimester of the pregnancy with a bunch of milestones marked (trimesters, anatomy scan, viability, etc.) It felt good to be able to take off a ring everyday and watch the chain get smaller and feel like we were accomplishing something passing some milestones. Though you are stressed about having to work, it might actually be helpful in the sense that it might give you at least some time that you are not filled with worry about the pregnancy because you are distracted. (I was teaching college courses during the my rainbow pregnancy and I swear, when I was in that classroom and had to be "on" was almost the only time I wasn't thinking about the pregnancy and worrying.)

jess123456 · January 2014

You have received great advice already. I have had recurrent loss before and after we lost our daughter in a similar way to you so while I don't have a success story just yet I am hopeful that I will some day. I know all too well the feeling of fear once you get pregnant again. It sucks to have that innocence taken away and to be so terrorified that something will go wrong again. Please know that is a very normal thing to feel after what you have gone through. I love the idea of taking it one day at a time instead of thinking of the pregnancy as X amount of weeks left. For some reason it helps to control that anxiety a bit. Also, perhaps your doctor is open to having you have extra ultrasounds to set your mind at ease a bit? Journaling and attending support groups for those in your same situation could also be a great support to you. Big hugs to you. It is not an easy journey but we are always here for you.

ajsweeton · January 2014

Siggy warning

I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel. I lost my boys at 22w5d due to IC and PROM. I honestly thought getting pregnant again would help make things better, but it's so scary. I keep telling myself if I make it here I'll be less scared, but I just passed viability and I'm still scared to death. I second the advise to make sure you have a dr you can trust. Having one that understands how you feel and will take steps to ease your fears is amazing. My MFM gave me her cell number so I can call whenever I get scared and has offered to do extra scans and cervical checks to give me peace of mind. Really just having that cell number and knowing I can call or text whenever I need to is making it easier for me to cope. Good luck to you!

mmsweeney1 · January 2014

"Everyyyyyone says it'll be different this time, no one knows that for sure and I won't know until this baby is in my arms happy and healthy."

You are exactly right! Everyone wants to say it will be different and this baby will be born healthy, but I also feel very scared. We lost our son at 39 weeks to acute fatty liver which comes on suddenly with vague symptoms that the doctors missed. We don't have a gene for it, so, like you, the doctors can't tell us why it happened or if it's likely to happen again. I want to feel excitement for this baby, and being pregnant has helped me to move forward from my loss, but really I am just waiting for things to go wrong. I know the doctors will watch me closely, but I constantly have thoughts swirling through my head about what can go wrong. Not to mention, after you lose a baby and read other people's stories, you learn about a thousand other ways that you can lose a baby. It's terrible! Just wanted to say good luck and you are not alone.

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12wks pg with rainbow baby...Terrified

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