Question from a lurker

jbasore1123 · January 2014

Hi ladies,
DH and I are considering embryo adoption. As you can see from my siggy, we have not been successful in achieving a family thus far due to my genetic condition. While I would love to do egg adoption because if I cannot be a biological mother I at least want to give my husband the chance to be a biological father, we just cannot afford it (I'm assuming it is way beyond our scope of what we can afford).
We know nothing about the process, costs, implications, etc. Would anyone be willing to share their story or point me in the right direction on getting information? We plan to talk to our RE in mid-February at our WTF appt (we just failed IVF #2 today), but would like to go into it with a bit of knowledge. Anything would be helpful.

Thank you

xmaystarx · January 2014

Hi, I'm sorry you even have to think about these options, welcome to the board. I can't give you much information on embryo adoption but quite a few ladies here are experts. You mention you think donor eggs are too expensive for you, have you looked into frozen donor eggs? I am in the 2ww after a frozen egg cycle with RBA in Atlanta. We traveled from MA to work with them and it was a good experience. The cost is $16.5k plus meds and a few other relatively small expenses, and the travel down there. Just something else for you to think about.

liz4paws · January 2014

Hi there, I am so sorry for the hard path you've been on. First of all, big hugs to you.

I just wanted to tell you that we faced some of the same decisions and ultimately did decide on embryo adoption too. I've become a big advocate for it and if you click on the embryo adoption badge in my signature, there's a "Where to get started" link on my blog with loads of information, including costs.

Depending on the route you want to take, it can cost as little as 3500 a cycle, or as much as 12k. It wildly ranges! But if it's something that interests you, I can definitely help you learn more. Just let me know what specific questions you have after looking at that link from my blog.

I hope that you find success in whatever path you choose.

lincoln79 · January 2014

I'm so sorry for your struggles. We are going the GC route, so I don't have any info but wanted to offer support!

There are some great ladies on this lab that have done embryo adoption.

sammer818 · January 2014

Oh sweetie. *HUGS* I am also going the GC route, so I cannot speak to embryo adoption or the actual process. However, I can speak to using a third party to help you have a family in general. I just wanted to say exploring "non traditional" methods for having a family and not having biological children and/or not being able to do this whole thing yourself can be its own type of loss. When we finally accepted that I would never carry a child, I grieved the loss of that dream very hard and it took me quite a long time to truly accept the fact that it would never happen the "normal" way. For a very long time, I wondered what type of mother I could ever be if I couldn't even take care of my babies before they left the womb. There was a very long stretch of time where I felt I cheated but where I also felt I would never be good enough. It was a very different kind of loss and grief and I'm sure not everyone experiences it, but I definitely did. I think almost all third party reproduction has some aspect like that, so just make sure you take time for yourself in all of this.

lincoln79 · January 2014

sammer818 said:

Oh sweetie. *HUGS* I am also going the GC route, so I cannot speak to embryo adoption or the actual process. However, I can speak to using a third party to help you have a family in general. I just wanted to say exploring "non traditional" methods for having a family and not having biological children and/or not being able to do this whole thing yourself can be its own type of loss. When we finally accepted that I would never carry a child, I grieved the loss of that dream very hard and it took me quite a long time to truly accept the fact that it would never happen the "normal" way. For a very long time, I wondered what type of mother I could ever be if I couldn't even take care of my babies before they left the womb. There was a very long stretch of time where I felt I cheated but where I also felt I would never be good enough. It was a very different kind of loss and grief and I'm sure not everyone experiences it, but I definitely did. I think almost all third party reproduction has some aspect like that, so just make sure you take time for yourself in all of this.

I went through/am going through this too. It really is as though 3rd Party reproduction of any kind is a hybrid between biological conception/birth and adoption. I think this is why this board is needed. Just my opinion.

Lacyj67 · January 2014

Also a little quick info is we didn't think we could afford donor eggs either but ended up finding a donor and another couple to do a shared cycle with and we split the eggs that she produced and split the costs with the other couple. Cost us about 12k for that and we got 8 frozen embryos. Good luck

jbasore1123 · January 2014

xmaystarx said:

Hi, I'm sorry you even have to think about these options, welcome to the board. I can't give you much information on embryo adoption but quite a few ladies here are experts. You mention you think donor eggs are too expensive for you, have you looked into frozen donor eggs? I am in the 2ww after a frozen egg cycle with RBA in Atlanta. We traveled from MA to work with them and it was a good experience. The cost is $16.5k plus meds and a few other relatively small expenses, and the travel down there. Just something else for you to think about.

I didnt even know that was an option! I guess I'm confused on why someone would freeze their eggs without fertilizing them? Like if they froze them for the future just in case they wanted to try wouldn't work?

jbasore1123 · January 2014

lincoln79 said:

sammer818 said:

Oh sweetie. *HUGS* I am also going the GC route, so I cannot speak to embryo adoption or the actual process. However, I can speak to using a third party to help you have a family in general. I just wanted to say exploring "non traditional" methods for having a family and not having biological children and/or not being able to do this whole thing yourself can be its own type of loss. When we finally accepted that I would never carry a child, I grieved the loss of that dream very hard and it took me quite a long time to truly accept the fact that it would never happen the "normal" way. For a very long time, I wondered what type of mother I could ever be if I couldn't even take care of my babies before they left the womb. There was a very long stretch of time where I felt I cheated but where I also felt I would never be good enough. It was a very different kind of loss and grief and I'm sure not everyone experiences it, but I definitely did. I think almost all third party reproduction has some aspect like that, so just make sure you take time for yourself in all of this.

I went through/am going through this too. It really is as though 3rd Party reproduction of any kind is a hybrid between biological conception/birth and adoption. I think this is why this board is needed. Just my opinion.

I'm at that point now too. I'm completely devestated by the idea of not having biological children. It hurts to just think about looking at my child (I hope!) one day and thinking "she didn't get that smile from me" or "his eyes aren't mine"... it sucks. And it sucks even worse to know I may be cheating my husband out of the same thing

jbasore1123 · January 2014

Thanks ladies, I appreciate it. I'll probably be "officially" joining you all soon. I'm so sorry you all have to be here as well. Huge (((hugs))) to all of you

JM1977 · January 2014

jbasore1123 said:

xmaystarx said:

Hi, I'm sorry you even have to think about these options, welcome to the board. I can't give you much information on embryo adoption but quite a few ladies here are experts. You mention you think donor eggs are too expensive for you, have you looked into frozen donor eggs? I am in the 2ww after a frozen egg cycle with RBA in Atlanta. We traveled from MA to work with them and it was a good experience. The cost is $16.5k plus meds and a few other relatively small expenses, and the travel down there. Just something else for you to think about.

I didnt even know that was an option! I guess I'm confused on why someone would freeze their eggs without fertilizing them? Like if they froze them for the future just in case they wanted to try wouldn't work?

I'ts a relatively new approach stemming from improved freezing techniques that allow eggs to be frozen before they are fertilized. Frozen egg programs retrieve the eggs from donors and then store them as frozen eggs that are available for recipients entering the program.

JM1977 · January 2014

jbasore1123 said:

lincoln79 said:

sammer818 said:

Oh sweetie. *HUGS* I am also going the GC route, so I cannot speak to embryo adoption or the actual process. However, I can speak to using a third party to help you have a family in general. I just wanted to say exploring "non traditional" methods for having a family and not having biological children and/or not being able to do this whole thing yourself can be its own type of loss. When we finally accepted that I would never carry a child, I grieved the loss of that dream very hard and it took me quite a long time to truly accept the fact that it would never happen the "normal" way. For a very long time, I wondered what type of mother I could ever be if I couldn't even take care of my babies before they left the womb. There was a very long stretch of time where I felt I cheated but where I also felt I would never be good enough. It was a very different kind of loss and grief and I'm sure not everyone experiences it, but I definitely did. I think almost all third party reproduction has some aspect like that, so just make sure you take time for yourself in all of this.

I went through/am going through this too. It really is as though 3rd Party reproduction of any kind is a hybrid between biological conception/birth and adoption. I think this is why this board is needed. Just my opinion.

I'm at that point now too. I'm completely devestated by the idea of not having biological children. It hurts to just think about looking at my child (I hope!) one day and thinking "she didn't get that smile from me" or "his eyes aren't mine"... it sucks. And it sucks even worse to know I may be cheating my husband out of the same thing

(((HUGS))) I hope it's OK that I respond. I just wanted to say that I can completely relate to these really painful and difficult emotions. I went through them as well. My DH and I used donor eggs and donor sperm, so our children aren't genetically related to either of us. Now that we are on the other side of IF, I can sincerely say that I am no longer grieving the loss of the genetic connection. Our children seem "ours" in every sense of the word. I am in awe of the way their appearances and personalities are developing, and there is never a day that I wish they were in any way different from exactly as they are. Mainly I just feel gratitude to our two donors for giving us our family. I know this process takes a long time to work through (it did for me) and that at times it's difficult to imagine actually having success after such a painful journey, but for me I have been able to heal from the pain and really enjoy the family that we are fortunate enough to have now. Everyone is different, but it's been my experience that I don't have many of the negative thoughts and emotions related to TPR that I thought I would when we were going through IF.

I hope that is in some way helpful, and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.

ladyrader0227 · January 2014

I agree the idea of the child "not having my eyes" was hard to get over - but google "epigenetics" there are some great articles out there that made me feel better. YOU are the one growing the child and sharing blood and tissue for 9 months.
As for the cost of donor egg vs. embryo - i felt strongly about DH having the chance to be the biological father, so donor egg was our path. At my clinic a donor egg cycle can cost $17-27K.

Good Luck and Big Hugs. This process sucks but this board is an amazing support

Km672 · January 2014

I'm so very sorry you are struggling.

I hope your appt gives you some options. Frozen egg banks and splitting a fresh DE cycle are 2 ways that make the process more affordable.

Pls let us know if there are any questions you might have or if there is anyway we can support you.

It's a painful experience, but once you have a plan in place, you will have hope again.

>:D<

annluvsjerry · February 2014

Google Ivf grants...there are plenty to help people who cannot afford Ivf....

Twinkie0612 · February 2014

After our third failed fresh cycle, we decided to look at all of our options. We decided to get a few second opinions (my RE suggested CC.RM and I also made an appointment with R.MA NJ) and started researching all of our options. There are definitely ways to make donor eggs more affordable, and one of the options I looked into was RBA's frozen donor egg program in Atlanta. It's not too much more expensive than a traditional IVF cycle.

We are looking at FI.RM for donor embryos. We also looked at NE.DC, but I was turned off by a few things about them. FI.RM is one of the most affordable programs I've come across and they don't have waiting lists. I obviously haven't seen what they have available, since I haven't had my consult yet.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

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sarahjeri · March 2014

I feel the same way. It took me a very long time to arrive at being ok that my child(ren) will not be genetically related to me, but my DD looks and acts a TON like me... so it's easy to forget.

I'm sure most moms of DE/mbryo have the same feeling. And I imagine you will too when you are there.

We chose to use a known donor, not for financially related reasons, but it did save us $5,000. Our DE IVF cycle cost approximately $18,000 for everything starting with our first consult visit to our last u/s appointment with RE. I believe that friends of ours that did DEmbryo paid approximately the same amount. We are in Ohio, so I imagine that every state differs in costs.

sarahjeri · March 2014

Feeling the same as @JM1977 that is. And I meant to mention epigenetics like @ladyrader0227... there is a graph somewhere (if I can find it quickly I'll post it) that basically says that 25% of genetics come from the sperm, 25% from the egg, and 50% from the environment (which would be you, because the womb is the only environment a embryo has post transfer). If your embryo grew in a different person, it would not look the same, act the same, or be the same child as if s/he grew in you. Epigenetics is a fairly new science.

sarahjeri · March 2014

@jbasore1123 - Here is the link to the graph. It is at the very bottom of the page. https://www.giftovlife.com/eggdonorparents_faq.aspx

LittleLady77 · March 2014

I'm so sorry lady. Giving up the idea of a biological child was extremely difficult for me and landed me in therapy a few times. My therapist said it best, it's a loss. You are mourning the loss of your child. Give yourself some time to process that. If/when you decide to go the third party route know that when you do have children they will be yours, 100%. I was so worried that I would look into my children's eyes and feel like something was missing but as of now, I know for a fact that won't be the case. These babies are mine. I hope that helps.

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