Am I a cheap a**?

lmcwooty · January 2014

Is anyone else finding group dining experiences really frustrating when it comes to splitting up the check. While I typically don't mind splitting things evenly and having it all come out in the wash, when you're pregnant, you're obviously spending significantly less on food (and booze, obviously). My husband and I went out to eat with 7 other people last week and we all split the check evenly, despite everyone at the table having a minimum of 3-4 cocktails (at around $10-14 each). Split evenly we ended up spending about $50-60 more than we ideally would have if it had been split fairly.

While it's not a big issue from time to time, it makes dining out with friends tough. I don't want to be the cheap ass that splits hairs over who ordered what, but I also don't want to be spending hundreds of dollars on other people's booze with a baby on the way. I also don't want to simply stop going to social dinners. I know...first world problems.

Suggestions? Anyone else have creative ideas? Or do I just ride it out and then drink like a fish when they all get pregnant? lol

TallaB · January 2014

Can't you just ask the waitress to put you and your husbands on a separate check??

michaelad3 · January 2014

I'd be really frustrated! When I eat out with friends we either do seperate checks or divide it up according to what each person ordered

Jesster11 · January 2014

Could you have a close friend you feel comfortable talking about this with mention that you're not drinking to the group? Maybe they could deduct your amount and then every one split up the remainder evenly?

I personally would feel uncomfortable mentioning it myself, but I totally would try to get someone else to if they didn't mind so I wouldn't come across as a party pooper. And if you aren't comfortable with that or don't have anyone to do it, bottoms up when all of them are pregnant!

lmcwooty · January 2014

I think that's the issue. Most of our friends make good money and no one has an awareness or sensitivity to it. To them, $50-60 isn't a big deal. I know I would stick out and look like a cheap ass to them if I said that I wanted it separate or suggested splitting it up when we have never done it that way before.

I guess I need to sack up and stand up for myself though if I don't want to go broke over it. lol My husband isn't bothered about it....but it drives me insane calculating how much money we've wasted! That's the cost of a breast pump over a month, damnit!! lol

Thanks for the suggestions.

Teresa1896 · January 2014

I'm still stuck on the fact that you say you eat less than everyone else. I think you should eat more to make up for what you're not drinking!

lmcwooty · January 2014

Hahaha! That's funny! I'm 30 weeks, so with the little guy taking up real estate, I'm eating smaller portions than I was a month or two ago - but rest assured that back then I ate my money's worth! Now I usually order something smaller or lighter.

fourthnlast · January 2014

Oh hell freaking no. When we go out, everyone pays their own way. We went as a group of 12 for dinner a couple months ago, it was every couple with their own seperate check. That's the only fair way to do it. Guess i'm cheap too, but EFF that noise.

snmetz7 · January 2014

lmcwooty said:

I think that's the issue. Most of our friends make good money and no one has an awareness or sensitivity to it. To them, $50-60 isn't a big deal. I know I would stick out and look like a cheap ass to them if I said that I wanted it separate or suggested splitting it up when we have never done it that way before.

I guess I need to sack up and stand up for myself though if I don't want to go broke over it. lol My husband isn't bothered about it....but it drives me insane calculating how much money we've wasted! That's the cost of a breast pump over a month, damnit!! lol

Thanks for the suggestions.

so you look like a cheap ass... who cares? you didn't get to drink the drinks why should you have to pay for them? you can go back to splitting evenly when you start boozing it up again, until then...split the check just for you

baileymama3 · January 2014

Ride it out and then drink up later!! OR go to an ATM and throw cash in for exactly what you got. Or maybe ask the waiter/waitress for a separate bill before--- "Hey I am pregnant and not drinking, do you mind if I get a separate bill-- to avoid splitting everything out later??" I feel like they would appreciate that more--- and not even bother your friends.

hlm184 · January 2014

We always split the checks. I don't care what anyone thinks, but I can see that it'd be tough since you've always just divided evenly with these people in the past.

spano41 · January 2014

The same thing happens to me. It's annoying but I just kind of live with it because like you said, I don't want to sound like a cheap a**. I have started ordering whatever I want, maybe an extra appetizer, side salad, or dessert to 'make up' for not drinking. I must say it is pretty fun ordering dessert when I never really did in the past. I think it would look just as cheap to have them take out your bill when everyone else is splitting it. Where I'm from they often won't do that anyway if it's a big group. One option is to just have cash on hand and only put in for what you owe, then everyone else could split the rest. It sucks but I would just say ride it out for the next few months and/or stop going out to expensive dinners. I get you don't want to isolate yourself socially though so I would still go out, just maybe a little more picky about with who and where you go out.

J&NL · January 2014

I would never do that. I always have our check separated and we pay for what we ordered. Cheap ass or not, I don't care lol

lmcwooty · January 2014

Thanks for all of the great advice - I think, from what I've gathered from you all, I can try to ask for a separate check ahead of time to make it less awkward AND/OR just ask for a separate check and not give a crap about what they think. You're all right - when it comes down to a choice between feeling a little awkward for five minutes or getting the stroller we need, I think I'll choose the baby gear.

Thanks, gals.

RebeccaY1 · January 2014

I always just ask for a separate check. I think it's ridiculous to split the check with others since they might have more money than you and be more willing to spend more on their food. It also usually leads to people getting angry eventually.

smushi · January 2014

That's a really odd concept to me. I've never been out with friends to dinner where the waitress didn't give us separate tickets (even though they still considered the tip for a party). That really does suck to have to pay for someone else's expensive dinner and drinks...

avidkeo · January 2014

this may come across a bit harsh - but I think THEY are being selfish ordering several cocktails and expecting you - a pregnant lady - to cover part of the cost!!!

As they are friends you should be able to say you don't feel comfortable paying for alcohol that you aren't drinking and I'm sure they will be fine with it - as this is something it sounds like you normally do (splitting the bill) it probably hasn't occurred to them that you aren't drinking so therefore shouldn't have to pay.

Mustardseed2007 · January 2014

I think they won't think about it as much as you think they will.

I would just say up front to the waiter (or when they order the first round perhaps) that if it's okay with everyone you'd like to do separate checks because, not that you don't love them all, but you only like to pay for cocktails you actually get to drink.

mammasuzelov · January 2014

I'm sure it's been said but these are your friends, they will understand.

You can't go wrong with a bit of honesty before it becomes something more irritating and you perhaps become resentful. Good luck, it will be fine.

katiedidthat · January 2014

I'd just bring it up and suggest that people start asking for separate checks instead. I can almost guarantee there is one other person who doesn't want to pay for the person who orders the most expensive appetizer, entree and drinks when they've ordered something middle of the line.

edoliesmom · January 2014

I don't understand why this is even an issue. :-/ I would never expect my friends to pay for me, and they wouldn't expect me to pay for them. Of course, we're all poor college students, so maybe there's just an obvious, unspoken rule that we pay for what we can afford which is why we order what we order.

ETA: Oh, and no one thinks anyone's cheap because of this. If what you're experiencing is normal among well-established adults, then I don't wanna grow up! :P

AcaAwkward · January 2014

We usually do an even split with friends too... No one carries cash and it all comes out in the wash. But now we just say "hey, since {me} isn't drinking, we're just going to get a separate check," and then we ask the server before we order to keep our food/drink separate. None of our friends have ever batted an eye, and it keeps the servers happy to know in advance (even staff at really nice establishments^^^).

Alana526 · January 2014

You are NOT being a cheap ass. You have babies on the brain and planning for your family financially. Depending on your group of friends, if you feel comfortable, just be upfront and honest about your situation. If you don't feel comfortable doing so, order twice as much for dessert? Haha just kidding. Possibly cut back on dinner dates until LO is born if it becomes a big problem.

LittleLady77 · January 2014

lmcwooty said:

I think that's the issue. Most of our friends make good money and no one has an awareness or sensitivity to it. To them, $50-60 isn't a big deal. I know I would stick out and look like a cheap ass to them if I said that I wanted it separate or suggested splitting it up when we have never done it that way before.

I guess I need to sack up and stand up for myself though if I don't want to go broke over it. lol My husband isn't bothered about it....but it drives me insane calculating how much money we've wasted! That's the cost of a breast pump over a month, damnit!! lol

Thanks for the suggestions.

I make pretty good money and I would not be cool with this and I would not ask my pregnant friend to split a check with a group that had 3-4 $14 drinks each. Not cool.

AmberLiz99 · January 2014

Dh and I don't drink at all, so we run into this every time we eat with friends who do. We ask for a separate check at the beginning of the meal, or we just pay for our portion of the bill and offer to cover the tip or something. We got tired of paying for everyone around is to get drunk

Avion22 · January 2014

Huh, usually my husband drinks enough to make up for me not drinking anything :-) (he's not usually a huge drinker, but with me to drive him home he will drink a little more).

I don't think your friends will think you're a cheap a** for asking for your portion to be split out from the check first. My friends and I will also often split the check evenly when we eat out as long as everyone had more or less the same thing -- just because it's easier, and it all evens out eventually. But if anyone ever objected, or if the ordering was obviously uneven, then nobody would feel weird if anyone suggested separate checks. Like someone else said, if they are really your friends, they won't think badly of you for suggesting a separate check.

fee1124 · January 2014

We go through this EVERY time we go out with friends. Everyone drinks 3-4 drinks while I'm sitting there all sober-like...my fiance will just split the bill and not say anything but I always chime in about not drinking. Some restaurants will add up the booze/food bill sperately...maybe you can offer to split the food bill and casually mention being a sober sally?? I always find it awkward but try to find a way to avoid paying for booze I didnt drink.

Serenla · January 2014

TallaB said:

Can't you just ask the waitress to put you and your husbands on a separate check??

This, when we go out with our friends we always split up the check. It might seem odd, my parents always say something, but I'm sure it's a generational thing.

RocksInTheWater · January 2014

A separate but related issue, there are certain friends that I do not like splitting the check with because they will only look at the price of what they ordered, "forget" to add their portion of the tax and then leave a shitty tip. That makes the others in the group have to throw in extra to cover so we all don't look cheap. Luckily most friends I dine out with are good tippers and they also add extra to the bill to cover their drinks if someone in the group (me in this case) is not drinking.

I do agree that you and your husband should tell your server at the beginning of dinner that you will be on a separate check.

lmcwooty · January 2014

Thank you for all of the support - I think you all have hit on two important things:

1. It's probably disheartening to me that I would need to say something at all. I would think, and I have been an advocate when I wasn't pregnant, that people would say, "oh she's not drinking so...." But that doesn't happen.

2. It might be a regional thing. I know certain areas of the country are more check-splitting friendly than others. We live in San Diego and most of the restaurants we go to will either admit they refuse to split checks OR the waiter/waitress makes a big damn deal out of it.

I think, as you all suggested, I'm just going to be blunt and say that we're going to get a separate check. Or even just me have a separate check since my husband usually has cocktails as well.

Thanks, ladies! I think I needed a case of tough-love "grow a pair" sort of words.

jsoubel · January 2014

These are the possible solutions: (1) get a separate check (2) only go to dinner with people who don't swindle you out of money, and/or (3) say that you prefer to pay for what you ordered and have cash on hand so there are no qualms. It's not being cheap. You should not have to pay for someone else's dinner, and if they are being rude to not take your alcohol consumption into account, don't worry too much if they think you're rude for not wanting to pay for their drinks!

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