How long should SD talk with her mother?

Re: How long should SD talk with her mother?

• cole2144 member

  January 2014

  If it is interfering with family time in your home, you have a right to cut it short. If SD is not doing anything than I would let her talk if she wants. Is BM paying the bill?
  

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• ambrvan member

  January 2014

  I am kind of torn on this, but my general feeling is that there should be a set time on set days for BM and SD to communicate.
  
  Our BM sees SD EOW, and she is also allowed to call on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7p for a "reasonable duration." Otherwise, we ignore. She can text us or leave a voicemail if she needs to get in touch with us. Her other two kids she only had 2 weeks total visitation a year until CPS placed an injunction on that, as well, And she was allowed to call two set days per week at a set time for a "reasonable duration."
  
  Even if she does not agree, I would extend an offer to her in writing (email, text, letter) so that you can keep a copy of a choice of two or three days a week at a certain time she may "face time" with SD. State your reasons why you would like to formalize the arrangement - to be sure SD is available, to maximize the quality of call time between SD and BM, etc. State that duration of call should be limited to a reasonable amount of time so as not to interfere with SD's daily activities or cause undue disruption to the household.
  
  Surely there is a better way to state all that. You might should consult your attorney first, but I'm a bitch and I wouldn't.

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• hopanka member

  January 2014

  If this is the only time they get to spend together, then you are being unreasonable. That is 4 hrs a week! Try sharing a child 50/50.

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• Ilumine member

  January 2014

  Here is what I would do.  

  
  

  If you are REALLY concerned about your SD being inside vs outside doing something active.  Then sign her up for some classes/sports/activities.  

  
  

  Just expecting her to "go outside" without any plans is unreasonable - I am far from a helicopter parent and even I know that unless there are other kids to play with or activities to do (i.e. my active participation) very few singleton kids are going to just go outside for extended periods.  

  
  

  Hell, I grew up in the era where we were thrown outside from dawn to dusk and if I didn't have someone to play with, I would sit on the porch and read.  Not much different than watching a movie.  

  
  

  As for their multi-tasking (BM at work or SD on the gaming system) what is so different than what is happing with YOU?  Are you telling me that you sit down and spend 1 hour at a time directly interacting with your SD with NO distractions?  Don't you interact while you clean, make dinner, fold clothes, do the bills etc?  How is that any different OTHER than it being BM?  

  
  

  And finally the amount of time.  SO what?  As long as this time is not interfering with family time, homework time, bedtime and the activities you arrange for her (and it would so Effing petty if you purposefully setup activities to interfere with her time vs genuinely finding her fun activities) how is what she si doing really wrong?  

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• SimpleJane member

  January 2014

  I agree with Hopanka, if this is the only time she gets with her mother then you should let her have it.
  
  Obviously she still needs to be doing her homework and having friends/getting exercise too. However, you chose to move her far away from her mother. She would probably feel quite a bit of resentment if you also choose not to allow her this, which is some of the only interaction she has with her.

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• ambrvan member

  January 2014

  Let me also add, that while my above suggestion stands about formalizing time, I do not think that a couple hours on Wednesdays and on the weekend is too much. So what if one or two days during the week she spends playing on her ipod? It's not an everyday thing. What would she be doing otherwise, if not talking to her mother, absolutely honestly? Playing or watching TV while you cook dinner?
  
  But formalizing the call time will protect both parents' rights to communicate with each child when not in their custody. This nit only applies to BM but also YH during the summer.

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• +just+j+ member

  January 2014

  While I think age 6 is insane for a child to have a phone, I think it's a good idea for long distance parents if that's her only option to "see" her child. If that were me, I would probably do the same. However I would coordinate times and make my calls more productive and engaged. I support your decision to limit her time to within waking hours and that she not have the phone for games and other things outside of that talk time until she is at an age where she is capable of being responsible. That's quite a few years off. When it comes to how long she talks to her mom, regardless of whether you approve of that FaceTime and whether or not they are really talking...I wouldn't put a limit on it unless it is significantly impacting family time. My suggestion would be to compromise with her. Your husband should tell her you will loosen up your strict phone rules if she will be more accommodating during summer. Get it in writing the specifics and both should sign or respond clearly that they are agreeing to these terms.

  "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

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• carebear939 member

  January 2014

  Thank you for your suggestions, like I said I am not trying to hinder their relationship at all.  No it is not interfering with family time since it is usually during my LO's nap and BM's bf pays the bill, so I will just let it be.  I guess it is just hard for me to see this very active 6yo start shutting herself in her room for a couple hours at a time and turn into a teenager overnight.  We live on a base and there are always friends to play with at the park across the street and she loves doing crafts with me in the house.  She is enrolled in dance and girl scouts, but those activities are later in the evening.  Also this is not the only time she talks with BM.  Her BM calls almost every night, but those calls are shorter since it's closer to bedtime.  I like the idea of formalizing the call times more to protect us during the summer and holiday break.  This Christmas our calls were ignored all day, but that is anther issue.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

  
  

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• +just+j+ member

  January 2014

  If it's a huge issue for you then I would consider changing the CO at some point stating that the other parent agrees to give reasonable phone/FaceTime access to the child. It can be that vague or you can make it clearer. She is clearly violating even a vague statement. That may be all you need.

  "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

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