DH trial run has me worried- help pls

notthecheat · January 2014

I go back to working 5 nights a week on the 29th. So far I've been up with LO at night so that DH can sleep and home with LO during the day so DH can go to work. When I go back to work, DH has to get up with LO at night since I won't be there. Tonight we did a "trial run" so DH can get the hang of it while I'm still here with him.

It could have been worse. I was impressed with DH's patience especially for how exhausted he is. LO was very fussy. I ended up putting her to bed because she just kept crying for him. (I got her to calm down and fall asleep without my boob, which was at least step one accomplished.) Even I have not been able to put her down without her falling asleep in my arms first.

I thought my biggest worry would be DH sleeping through her crying, but it turns out to be I am more worried about his fatigue. He is exhausted all the time normally, and has already let her fall once because he fell asleep holding her. How can he get her to calm down while making sure he doesn't fall asleep himself and drop her again? (This is a man who falls asleep to the TV, to music, even while playing games on his phone.) He also doesn't have much reserve so when he inevitably gets even more sleep deprived, I worry he will fall asleep while driving, and not be able to handle daily life anymore from the stress and completely break down.

I expected LO to be fussy since she is used to me being the one to put her to sleep. But even after 5 weeks I still have trouble so I don't know what DH is going to do, and I don't know how to help him. Does anyone have any ideas or has been in a similar situation? I don't know what to do. Thanks so much.

Our little nugget on Christmas.

Lpegirl2013 · January 2014

I would be worried too but I think there's not a whole lot you can do but trust your H. I would do more than just one night of a trial run. Maybe work out shifts or something until you go back to work, so you can observe how he's doing and if he needs help you're there. I still have trouble sometimes during nightly feedings where I too am easy to doze off from being overly tired. While pumping at night I usually will grab a cold water and some yogurt or something cold that will help wake me up. He's got to do whatever it takes to keep himself awake. Coffee, cold rag on his neck, anything. But share ideas with him and observe how he does these next few days! Maybe he will surprise you!

Islandgirl1129 · January 2014

Can he nap when he gets home from work but before you leave? 2 or 3 hours could make a difference.

notthecheat · January 2014

@Lpegirl2013 thank you! He is a wonderful husband and father and he tries so hard. He puts in a lot of effort and is very patient with LO even though he gets frustrated easily (especially at work). He's especially frustrated because he thinks LO "doesn't like" him since she cries more with him, and the things I suggest that work for me don't work with him. I keep telling him it's because she's been with me almost all the time. Thank you for all your ideas to keep awake at night! I didn't know what to tell him because I am a night owl and don't have that problem.

My MIL and mom will be helping to watch her during the day, and that will definitely help me sleep while DH is at work. But DH has to work AND be up all night when I'm not here. I know parents do this all the time (especially single parents), but DH already has a fatigue problem and I feel like he's getting the short end of the stick here compared to me and I want to help but don't know how.

I will definitely try to help him this week while he is getting used to getting up at night and taking care of LO, but after that I'm not sure how to help. I am also afraid of him finally losing his patience with LO when he gets crazy sleep deprived and can't calm her.

Kelamz · January 2014

I had/have similar concerns. My mil had some calming words: we were the same way when we started - tired, no clue and learning her quirks. He will figure it out and develop his own ways to get her to fall asleep. She and he will be fine! You trained him good!

Aycul18 · January 2014

Can he stand instead if sit down to feed her? At least for some of for time to wake himself up a bit?

Buckeye608 · January 2014

Agree with the suggestion to stand instead of sit when feeding. Fx it works for all of you. I was always someone who had trouble falling back asleep after I wake up. Once I'm up, I'm up. I was so nervous about sleep once baby came (for all of us). I've adapted though. The first couple nights were tough, but now I can get up and then go back to sleep. I guess I say that because there are SO many things we can't imagine adjusting to until we do.

ChuggingWater · January 2014

Islandgirl1129 said:
Can he nap when he gets home from work but before you leave? 2 or 3 hours could make a difference.

This is what we will be doing, but MH works nights and Hoyt will be with him during the day until the end of April.

Lyzza350 · January 2014

This isn't best for lo falling asleep, but how about turning on the lights fully when he is comforting her. That way he is less likely to fall asleep. I would be very concerned if my husband had dropped my child as well. It's something you really need to discuss. Perhaps he needs to walk around the house, so that he gets his blood flowing before he picks up your daughter.

mamaj1220 · January 2014

Maybe your MIL or mom could stay with him the first few nights until he gets into the routine with her? Or one could stay after you've gone to work for a bit so he can nap?

notthecheat · January 2014

Luckily it is a snow day here and DH's work closed for today so he is sleeping now. We will try again tonight, I will give him the ideas for staying awake and having a rest day today will certainly help.

He can sleep in the mornings when I get home from work until he has to get up for work at 9, then nap when he gets home from work until I leave at night, that is a little bit more time.

Mom and MIL are already doing us a favor by adjusting their schedules and using their days off work to watch LO. I really hate to ask them to come over at night, but I might as a last resort. I am hoping it will really help him "practicing" with me for a week.

I am feeling a lot better now, like this is a lot more doable for him than it seemed in the middle of the night last night with LO fussing. Thank you everyone for your responses!

Tigger & pooh · January 2014

My DH is like yours. My SIL keeps telling him to have a sleep apnea test done. Certainly haven't yet but maybe your DH should look into it too. My SIL is a physicians assistant in an ENT office.

notthecheat · January 2014

Tigger & pooh said:

My DH is like yours. My SIL keeps telling him to have a sleep apnea test done. Certainly haven't yet but maybe your DH should look into it too. My SIL is a physicians assistant in an ENT office.

I bugged him for years, but he never went because he refused to lose weight or wear the CPAP. He finally did a sleep study in November and needs 2 more for the mask fittings but after we got the bill from the first one, he says we can't afford for him to continue. Now my job is trying to convince him we can't afford for him NOT to. I have heard so many people say how much energy they have now that they sleep better with the CPAP. GL.

HerbanMom · January 2014

Oh my, I agree with PP about DH trying to get a nap in if he can? Do you have family close by who maybe wouldn't ming swinging by for an hour or two a day when they might be available to offer assistance at all? I realize that's not an option for everyone. We are very lucky to have SO's mom because she has done so much for us and been available when shit has hit the fan around here.

I'm in the same boat as you, except we've just decided it's easier for me to not work at all right now because SO just can't handle nights with him ontop of trying to get sleep to be up at 5:30. Hopefully everything is a smooth sailing around 3-4 months as I very vaguely remember it being with older two DS.

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