What do you say when...

violetmarie61516 · January 2014

a friend tells you that they will be your surrogate and/or have a baby for you so you can adopt?

I went to dinner with a friend last night who I've known since I was 5 yrs old. She text me after I came home last night and offered to be our surrogate. I responded with "you have to have eggs and sperm for that" which we are having issues with. Then she said but my fiance and I have those. You could adopt one of ours. I didn't know what to say at that point. There are so many issues/questions that come into play with this. I know that she is serious but I don't know how I feel about it. I also don't know how her fiance feels about it. I mean, they haven't started their own family yet and how do you conceive a child on your own knowing that you will be giving it to a friend?

Someone please help me out with this one! DH immediately said no but then when he thought about her being an egg donor, he said that would be okay and then we would just need to find a sperm donor. I've been thinking about it all morning and need someone to talk through this.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

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violetmarie61516 · January 2014

I completely agree with what you are both saying. Honestly, I am not prepared for surrogacy and am still trying for my own pregnancy somehow. I know she was just trying to make me feel better by offer up so much at once. I guess the only thing I'm really thinking/considering at this point would be having her as an egg donor alone. We would them find our own sperm donor to make our own embryos. That just seems so much less complicated.

Mama-Bear · January 2014

No part of what she suggested is surrogacy. This is a BAD idea. I think it's great that she offered, but I'd be shocked if she's ever researched anything on surrogacy. She could be an egg donor, she wouldn't be able to be your surrogate having never had a child herself (I've only heard of an RE using a surrogate 1 time ever that didn't have children of her own, not sure if she ever conceived, the whole deal was a train wreck).

Her PLANNING to carry a baby created by her and her FI for you to adopt is a horrible idea, she's never had a baby so has no idea what it's like to carry and deliver a baby, much less hand that baby over, what are the REAL chances that she'd change her mind when she'd see that baby and want to keep him/her, legally she'd be able to and you'd have invested time, money, and hope and have no baby in your arms.

IF, IF, IF you decide to move forward with surrogacy check out surromomsonline.com and allaboutsurrogacy.com. Again, she could be your egg donor, but if you want to do this a legitimate, legal way 99% she can't be your carrier at this time.

lincoln79 · January 2014

the pp comments are all good perspectives.

it seems like her being an egg donor could be a possibility. one thing I can add from our journey, our GC and another woman offered to carry for us after our first m/c. it wasn't until after our third a year later that we were ready to consider this possibility. the other woman offered with good intentions, but wasn't a good candidate (similar to what is happening in your case) fortunately, our GC was a better fit and she was still willing and in a good position to do it.

i never thought we would be here, but i am glad that we have this option.

hang in there and keep getting information and doing your due diligence.

soylatte · January 2014

Love4Labs326 said:

a friend tells you that they will be your surrogate and/or have a baby for you so you can adopt?

I went to dinner with a friend last night who I've known since I was 5 yrs old. She text me after I came home last night and offered to be our surrogate. I responded with "you have to have eggs and sperm for that" which we are having issues with. Then she said but my fiance and I have those. You could adopt one of ours. I didn't know what to say at that point. There are so many issues/questions that come into play with this. I know that she is serious but I don't know how I feel about it. I also don't know how her fiance feels about it. I mean, they haven't started their own family yet and how do you conceive a child on your own knowing that you will be giving it to a friend?

Someone please help me out with this one! DH immediately said no but then when he thought about her being an egg donor, he said that would be okay and then we would just need to find a sperm donor. I've been thinking about it all morning and need someone to talk through this.

I speak from the heart on this one - after 7 years of countless procedures, we went with an egg donor. We knew all about her, that she had donated before and that there was success with her eggs. It was an anonymous donation and I am grateful for this. The donors have to go through serious screening and there are many legal forms to be completed. Donors also go through the meds, monitoring and surgical procedure. It's a big decision. What if your friend hates it? What if she feels some personal attachment to your baby? What if the clinic decides she is not a good candidate? Mine was VERY interested in patients getting the best possible outcome. That meant a donor in their early 20s and they encouraged me to chose someone that had donated before so we knew how she responded to meds, how many eggs, etc.

As far as the surrogate idea - if you're not medically there yet, consider donors - separate or snowflake baby. But my opinion would be to keep it anonymous and go with a donor that will give you the most success. These procedures are delicate and expensive and you don't need any outside stress or weirdness.

Cmartin6706 · January 2014

I haven't yet done my intro on this board although I was a long time 3T board member but I just want to say. . . We did something very very similar.

Our best friend was our baby's traditional surrogate (we used her eggs) with donor sperm which we already owned through a bank. She'd been offering since before she was in our wedding. Basically it was a planned adoption and yes the legal part was tricky and expensive but not more than a normal adoption. She didn't go through testing but whatever the RE required of her. Legally speaking our son's conception was illegal bc the law in her state (OK) says that an RE can't inseminate a single woman. The RE said his job was just to get her pregnant. We were open with all the doctors about everything.

Key differences:
1. She had two children and didn't want more. Period. She came out of retirement to give her friends a baby. She's my hero.
2. Even though she didn't meet her boyfriend until after we agreed to do this, we did have a scare that he mistakenly got her pregnant before our IUI. Luckily that didn't happen bc that would have been a nightmare starting with he said he wouldn't give up his own child and, therefore, didn't want to know if he had gotten her pregnant.

I can speak more about this. I think ppl willingness to do this is amazing if they know what they are getting into and DS is used. And I agreed it's smarter to use someone who knows if she can get pregnant. Plus, it's true that our friend had legal right to keep the baby despite the fact we paid for the sperm and appts until custody was turned over to us and her legal rights were terminated.

Chris

Cmartin6706 · January 2014

Also, pregnancy and birth are risky although usually safe. Our surrogate/friend had to have an emergency Csection. During it a mistake happened and it ruined her uterus. She can't have anymore children. She's not upset bc she didn't want more but it's a very real possibility. And we talked about how devastating it would have been if she was younger and wanted more children. All these things must be considered. Chris

Mama-Bear · January 2014

Cmartin6706 said:

Also, pregnancy and birth are risky although usually safe. Our surrogate/friend had to have an emergency Csection. During it a mistake happened and it ruined her uterus. She can't have anymore children. She's not upset bc she didn't want more but it's a very real possibility. And we talked about how devastating it would have been if she was younger and wanted more children. All these things must be considered. Chris

I think TS is amazing and it takes amazing women to give such a gift. It makes a huge difference though that she wasn't trying to get pg by her boyfriend to give you that baby as the OP's friend suggested. It's a shame that the laws in each state vary so greatly, in some states your surrogacy I'm sure would've been much easier legally because your contract would've protected you as the baby's IP's.

Thank you for mentioning her loss of use of reproductive organs. I know it's mostly IP's here, but surrogates need to know this is a real possibility. You should be done building your family or at least perfectly happy with the family you have. DH and I have 3 boys, we're 95% done (DH had a vasectomy), I'd love more children but if I lost my ability to carry another baby I'm perfectly happy with the children I already have. I know of a surrogate (she was on a message board I go on rarely) that was doing surrogacy so she'd have the money to have her tubal reversed, at 15w she lost the baby and had to have a hysterectomy, because she wasn't finished with her family now if she wants more kids she'll need a surrogate of her own.

OP, you mentioned that you're still going to try to carry your baby, I wish you so much luck. I also think it was very kind of your friend to offer such a thing. I pray you'll have your baby in your arms soon.

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