Opinion: Elopement

sugarellie · January 2014

FI and I got engaged back in June, he was eager to plan a big wedding , I was a little apprehensive because I knew we would be paying for the whole thing. Reluctantly I went along with his grand plans, we secured a venue, picked catering, I bought a dress, picked our wedding parties, etc etc.. Flash forward to about a month ago and we have realized we are in WAY over our heads on this wedding. This is really the whole reason I was so reluctant to start planning, I am the more realistic conservative one in the relationship when it comes to money and I knew we couldn't afford what he/we were planning, but he reassured me multiple times that we would "make it work". The wedding we were planning was to be in June of this year. Thank goodness save the dates were never sent out , but our whole family knew when we were getting married and my bridesmaids had even put down deposits on their dresses ( they had to be ordered). From the beginning I have been fine with doing something small or not at all, he has always been the one who wanted the big wedding so im ok that our plans have sort of fallen through. He is saying at this point that we are "postponing" the wedding, but I know deep down we will likely never be able to afford it. I would rather put the money towards more practical things for the kids or us. At the same time that we realized that we would not be able to afford the wedding we also realized that we really as a family need me to stay at home, for a number of reasons ( he travels, daycare eats most of my income etc ). Since we really want to be married, and im planning to start being a SAHM soon, we decided to plan a Vegas elopement ( say what you want but we think its fun !) just the two of us, about two weeks from now. He wants to not tell anyone we are going and then afterwards tell family and friends. I am just worried people will be really upset that we took off and got married. We may eventually really have our "wedding" after this that ill wear my dress to and say our vows in front of family but I don't foresee that being anytime soon. SO my question to you all do we not tell anyone before we go? and after we tell people , do I repay my bridesmaids for the deposits , even though we may have the wedding a year or so from now? The last thing I want when we announce our marriage is to be met with anger so im trying to navigate this as fair as possible, for everyone..

Habs2Hart · January 2014

If you are getting married, then repay your bridesmaids asap. It would be rude to not. If you choose to have a vow renewal (not wedding as you are already married) you wouldn't have bridesmaids, so don't make them at for dresses they aren't going to use. Repay everyone who has put money towards your June wedding that isn't happening. Good luck and congratulations.

ravenclaw1 · January 2014

I don't see an issue with eloping, but if you're really hard up for cash, why don't you just do it locally? The whole Vegas thing can get pretty pricey.

I think eloping is fine, but my family would've been VERY hurt if we did that, so a lot of it depends on your relationship with them

I certainly think you need to pay your BM's back. I would be really pissed if I paid for a dress like that and ended up not being in the wedding.

ravenclaw1 · January 2014

Also.... I posted before I was done. I think it's very AWish to do something like elope then have a big wedding later. You should pick one or the other and go with it. I'd be pretty annoyed if a friend did that. My thoughts are you get one wedding, not a real one and a fake one. You just need to own your decision.

samfam1 · January 2014

The question on whether or not to tell your family really depends on how they might react if kept in the dark, and if the trip is strictly limited to you and your fiance. I know my dad would have been heartbroken if I had robbed him of the chance to walk me down the isle, so I couldn't have exluded my parents. However, I had a friend with a similar situation as yours that decided to elope in Jamaica, invited family/friends to join at their own expense, but kept things small and simple.

IMHO, you should definiately reimburse your bridesmaids for their deposits. You never know what a year from now holds, and you will have some not so happy bridesmaids on your hands should you decide not to have the ceremony. I had every intention of doing newborn photos, in fact I had everything lined up; however, my son was in the NICU longer than expected, and had issues after getting him home, so the professional pictures got the axe.

Good luck and congrats on the engagement!

thedash · January 2014

I completely agree with PP's. If you do Vegas then repay everyone who is losing money because you're canceling the wedding and do NOT have another wedding next year or whatever. You will already be married at that point and having a big ceremony/reception is AW'ish and possibly gift-grabby.

I don't really think it matters if you tell people before or after you go. Just start the conversations with "Here is a check to repay you for the deposit you put down on that dress since you won't be needing it. We are canceling the wedding here because we [are getting/got] married in Vegas!"

eyris · January 2014

A friend of mine eloped to Las Vegas, I don't think anyone was upset, but they never planned a big wedding.

They got engaged and didn't really make a big deal of it, they told close family and friends. They also told close family and friends they were going to Vegas to get married. Everyone else found out the day they were leaving, when she posted on Facebook that she was at the airport, waiting to fly to LV to get married.

It was very them and no one was surprised or offended. I think your wedding should be whatever you want it to be. BUT since other people have invested in your wedding, I agree with PP to pay your bridesmaids back. I would be bummed if someone did that to me when I had already paid money towards their wedding. I actually have a friend who had this done to her and she no longer speaks to the bride.

eyris · January 2014

ravenclaw1 said:

Also.... I posted before I was done. I think it's very AWish to do something like elope then have a big wedding later. You should pick one or the other and go with it. I'd be pretty annoyed if a friend did that. My thoughts are you get one wedding, not a real one and a fake one. You just need to own your decision.

Yes, I'm really sick of this trend of people getting married and then having another "wedding" after. I have been to two of them in the last couple of years. The first one they got married "officially" ahead of the wedding because of medical insurance and they kept it a secret so it was kind of NBD. They're divorced already though.

The second one they had a backyard wedding and actually invited the whole family (it's DH's cousin, we didn't go), put pics on FB, she wore her wedding dress, the whole thing. Then a year later they had a "real" wedding, complete with bridal shower. The whole thing kind of pissed me off, especially because she had a really ridiculously lavish registry. It felt attention and gift-grabby.

database6 · January 2014

You should repay your bridesmaids. I think you can do what you want as far as telling people before or after. Congrats! A Vegas wedding will be awesome!!

sugarellie · January 2014

ravenclaw1 said:
I don't see an issue with eloping, but if you're really hard up for cash, why don't you just do it locally? The whole Vegas thing can get pretty pricey.

I think eloping is fine, but my family would've been VERY hurt if we did that, so a lot of it depends on your relationship with them

I certainly think you need to pay your BM's back. I would be really pissed if I paid for a dress like that and ended up not being in the wedding.

We aren't necessarily hard for cash.. We just are too hard up for cash to afford the big wedding that was being planned. By the time we realized how much everything was really adding up to it was too late. We had picked a venue that you had to bring everything into, and with all the service charges (that we stupidly hadn't budgeted for) we were waaayy over budget. We decided on Vegas because it was something special for FI and I . Since you only get one true wedding we decided to indulge in a nice weekend for the two of us that we could remember .

sugarellie · January 2014

eyris said:

ravenclaw1 said:

Also.... I posted before I was done. I think it's very AWish to do something like elope then have a big wedding later. You should pick one or the other and go with it. I'd be pretty annoyed if a friend did that. My thoughts are you get one wedding, not a real one and a fake one. You just need to own your decision.

Yes, I'm really sick of this trend of people getting married and then having another "wedding" after. I have been to two of them in the last couple of years. The first one they got married "officially" ahead of the wedding because of medical insurance and they kept it a secret so it was kind of NBD. They're divorced already though.

The second one they had a backyard wedding and actually invited the whole family (it's DH's cousin, we didn't go), put pics on FB, she wore her wedding dress, the whole thing. Then a year later they had a "real" wedding, complete with bridal shower. The whole thing kind of pissed me off, especially because she had a really ridiculously lavish registry. It felt attention and gift-grabby.

I agree with a second wedding in some cases being tacky or "gift grabby". If we do have a vow renewal or second ceremony or what have you, we will not be doing a registry . Our main reason for wanting a ceremony in front of family and friends is to kind of bring the families together , not for the gifts or bridal showers or anything . And I agree with all of you on paying back the BM's .. The only person I've had to talk about this with until now was FI , and I needed some reassurance what I was thinking was right ..

kje120 · January 2014

The only problem I have with eloping is that you already had bridesmaids start paying for dresses. If you are going to elope I think you probably have to repay them for that. Other than that I see no problem with getting married the way that you want/can afford. Depending on how you think your family will react you might want to tell them ahead of time. If you think they'll be happy for you I'd tell them, but if they are going to be mad and try to talk you out of it I'd just tell them after the fact.

eyris · January 2014

@sugarellie - I think you should go with whatever you feel is best for you and your family. If you're comfortable with the Vegas thing, go for it. If you really want your wedding with all of the family, maybe you can just wait and save. Is there a reason you're in a hurry?

sugarellie · January 2014

eyris said:
@sugarellie - I think you should go with whatever you feel is best for you and your family. If you're comfortable with the Vegas thing, go for it. If you really want your wedding with all of the family, maybe you can just wait and save. Is there a reason you're in a hurry?

We need me and LO to be on his insurance for me to be a SAHM. Which I want to be ASAP. If we wait and save , it will be at least a year and a half before we can afford the wedding we planned. That and we just want to be married

strlitemiss · January 2014

We eloped and are slooowly planning a grand event for our 5 year anniversary to renew our vows. I sat down to plan the wedding the first tine and realize how stressful it was and how it wasn't how I imagined getting married. Plus I couldn't decide between a beach wedding or a beautiful country club wedding and now I get both.

sugarellie · January 2014

Lmtoo89 said:
We eloped and are slooowly planning a grand event for our 5 year anniversary to renew our vows. I sat down to plan the wedding the first tine and realize how stressful it was and how it wasn't how I imagined getting married. Plus I couldn't decide between a beach wedding or a beautiful country club wedding and now I get both.

That's actually a great idea ! We could do something 5 years from now or something ..

eyris · January 2014

sugarellie said:

@sugarellie - I think you should go with whatever you feel is best for you and your family. If you're comfortable with the Vegas thing, go for it. If you really want your wedding with all of the family, maybe you can just wait and save. Is there a reason you're in a hurry?
We need me and LO to be on his insurance for me to be a SAHM. Which I want to be ASAP. If we wait and save , it will be at least a year and a half before we can afford the wedding we planned. That and we just want to be married

Well, have fun in Vegas then!

I think it's the right choice for you then, don't feel bad about it and have a good time.

MegStark · January 2014

Sounds like you're already planning on paying the BM back for dress deposits. Good plan.
You could always tell people about Vegas and then just have a reception/party sometime after you get back so family and friends can celebrate with you. I've been to a few of those. No second ceremony or anything.
Congrats! And have fun in Vegas.

llybeck · January 2014

People are going to be upset, that's just the way it is. Unless you both have families that are totally fine with not being involved in your wedding whatsoever.

I guess I'm the oddball here but I think you need to tell your families your plan if you are close with them. I honestly don't think you're going to get a happy response if you have already been planning this for this long and then all of a sudden elope without saying a word. I know for my fiance and I, our families would be incredibly hurt over this, especially since they wouldn't know until after the fact.

I guess I really don't understand how you could have put down deposits and got a dress and all these things but now it's too expensive and too much? It's not like you need elaborate decorations or expensive food, there are so many ways for you to cut costs and still be able to keep the same venue. You're basically just wasting a ton of money you will never get back and now you're going to do a Vegas trip on top of that? I feel like I sound really bitchy about this but it really doesn't make sense to me.

And obviously you need to reimburse your bride's maids. I would be pretty hurt if I was in a friend's wedding and not only did they elope without telling me but I was also stuck paying for a dress I didn't need.

sugarellie · January 2014

llybeck said:

People are going to be upset, that's just the way it is. Unless you both have families that are totally fine with not being involved in your wedding whatsoever. I guess I'm the oddball here but I think you need to tell your families your plan if you are close with them. I honestly don't think you're going to get a happy response if you have already been planning this for this long and then all of a sudden elope without saying a word. I know for my fiance and I, our families would be incredibly hurt over this, especially since they wouldn't know until after the fact. I guess I really don't understand how you could have put down deposits and got a dress and all these things but now it's too expensive and too much? It's not like you need elaborate decorations or expensive food, there are so many ways for you to cut costs and still be able to keep the same venue. You're basically just wasting a ton of money you will never get back and now you're going to do a Vegas trip on top of that? I feel like I sound really bitchy about this but it really doesn't make sense to me. And obviously you need to reimburse your bride's maids. I would be pretty hurt if I was in a friend's wedding and not only did they elope without telling me but I was also stuck paying for a dress I didn't need.

We put down a deposit for the venue , which was within our budget. The venue we chose only works with certain caterers and decor people. We got quotes for food, it ended up being over budget ( we chose the cheap chicken) but we were like "ok, we will cut somewhere else". Next we got quotes for decor , tables and chairs actually came with the venue, but everything else had to be brought in.. what we didn't plan on was the service charges. We cut everything back as much as we could but with the service charges alone we were already over budget with the decor, and we had to use this one vendor. For flowers (minimal flowers , just bouquets, and boutonnieres etc), table cloths, napkins, drapery ( we needed this because we were having our ceremony there too), some candles, and minimal decoration it was $16,000!! $6000 of that being trucking/ service/ set up take down fees.I mean you have to have table cloths, napkins, etc. you can only cut back so much..that coupled with a couple other things we had under budgeted for, and FI had assumed when we initially budgeted he would be able to continue to work crazy hours for extra commission $$ ( again , stupid mistake) but with how crazy our life is now with two kids, there is no way he could work extra, and we were up to our neck in out of control wedding costs. FI offered to get a second job once we realized this to make up the difference but we have a LO who barely sleeps, and we both are exhausted at the end of everyday, there was no way we could realistically come up with the extra money needed, without going into debt which I refused to do. We started planning back when I was pregnant and neither of us had any clue how crazy life would be now. Mistake on our part for not realizing how much it would all add up to be but live and learn I guess. Neither of us had ever planned an event like this before so we just had no clue what we were getting into..

llybeck · January 2014

@sugarellie, holy hell. Yeah, I guess if there are no other vendors and no way to do any of that yourself than you're kind of stuck. At least it sounds like you only paid the deposit for the venue, correct? Hopefully that was reasonable, I know we just put down about $1000 for both the ceremony and reception venue. I would hate to lose that money. What was your original budget, just out of curiosity? $16000 is a huge discrepancy, that really sucks.

I still think that if you are close to your families and friends that it's important that you tell then first. Or even choose something local. It sounds like you are kind of set on Vegas though and that's understandable, I would just tell people first so there are less hurt feelings.

kennazebrowsky · January 2014

Well we made our decorations and spent maybe 2,000 including favors. We had 30 tables. They weren't cheap looking either.

Anyhow- what if you mention the plan to wed in Vegas early and give others a chance to be there. Then if someone in the bridal party can't definitely offer to pay back for the dresses. This also gives family a chance to go

DaisyZH · January 2014

As you've said you already plan on reimbursing your bridesmaids so I think that's fine. As far as telling your family, you know them best as to whether they will be upset. I'm sure no matter what you do it's impossible to make everyone happy so make sure you are doing what you and your FI want most. If you are in love with the idea of a Vegas wedding, great! If not, could you do something inexpensive versus the wedding you had been planning? We had a church ceremony followed by lunch at a town hall catered by our favorite sandwich shop. It wasn't fancy but we were able to have a nice, simple very DIY wedding with our family and friends. I've also heard of small receptions that are just champagne and cake immediately after the ceremony. It's totally up to you and if Vegas is what you both want, go for it! Money-wise though weddings don't have to be all or nothing, $16,000 would have been out of our reach too. Good luck and congratulations!

sugarellie · January 2014

llybeck said:

@sugarellie, holy hell. Yeah, I guess if there are no other vendors and no way to do any of that yourself than you're kind of stuck. At least it sounds like you only paid the deposit for the venue, correct? Hopefully that was reasonable, I know we just put down about $1000 for both the ceremony and reception venue. I would hate to lose that money. What was your original budget, just out of curiosity? $16000 is a huge discrepancy, that really sucks. I still think that if you are close to your families and friends that it's important that you tell then first. Or even choose something local. It sounds like you are kind of set on Vegas though and that's understandable, I would just tell people first so there are less hurt feelings.

Yes , we had only paid the deposit to the venue, but we had signed a contract with the caterer, just not paid the deposit yet so I still don't know if we will end up owing them for a cancelled event. I always thought with contracts , until monies were exchanged the contract wasn't valid? Any-who, Our initial budget was around $32,000. With all of the over budget things it ballooned to around $47,000, and we had lost some of the money that would have gone to the $32k budget ( FI's commission checks). The decor portion of that budget was $5000, so like I was saying, with the decor service charges ($6000) we were already over our decor budget. The decor total was $16,000, $11,000 of that being actual decor ( flowers, table cloths, napkins, drapes, candles etc). There were a choice of two different decor vendors, but the other vendor was booked already on our date, which is why we only had one person we could use. I mean we should have known ( hindsight is 20/20) that the vendors for this place would not be cheap since the venue mainly hosts high end , pinterest enviable weddings. This is their way of making sure every wedding they have there is super nice, they tell you who you have to use..

redfallon · January 2014

How about your small ceremony with the two of you and then have a reception type thing with everyone later instead of two weddings?

sugarellie · January 2014

redfallon said:

How about your small ceremony with the two of you and then have a reception type thing with everyone later instead of two weddings?

I have a feeling that is what our second "wedding"/ vow renewal will evolve into.. which I am happy with. However I don't think I could get away with wearing my gown to that haha

I see one of these nights in my near future ..

coraggiosa · January 2014

eyris said:

ravenclaw1 said:

Also.... I posted before I was done. I think it's very AWish to do something like elope then have a big wedding later. You should pick one or the other and go with it. I'd be pretty annoyed if a friend did that. My thoughts are you get one wedding, not a real one and a fake one. You just need to own your decision.

Yes, I'm really sick of this trend of people getting married and then having another "wedding" after. I have been to two of them in the last couple of years. The first one they got married "officially" ahead of the wedding because of medical insurance and they kept it a secret so it was kind of NBD. They're divorced already though.

The second one they had a backyard wedding and actually invited the whole family (it's DH's cousin, we didn't go), put pics on FB, she wore her wedding dress, the whole thing. Then a year later they had a "real" wedding, complete with bridal shower. The whole thing kind of pissed me off, especially because she had a really ridiculously lavish registry. It felt attention and gift-grabby.

Eh, the first one doesn't bother me, but that might be because we had to do it that way and I also had a friend do it because her husband needed insurance. I was living abroad illegally (no visa), and they changed the law to make that a jailable offense. So, we got legally married at the courthouse nine months before the wedding we were already planning (had put a deposit down on a location, bought a dress, etc) because my husband was worried. The second situation is just weird though.

OP, if you do elope, just be sure to pay back anyone who put any money into your wedding that can't get it back. However, I bet you could do a much more low key wedding where you live that would cost less than going to Vegas and could include your family and friends. I also agree that you shouldn't turn around and have another "wedding" in a year in this particular situation.

JamieWM · January 2014

I liked what PP said about inviting family and close friends! Extend the invite, don't pay for them. (No one can say they weren't kept in the loop)

Absolutely payback your BMs.

sugarellie · January 2014

AbbyMMM said:

I think you are far enough away from your June wedding that an elopement will be totally acceptable. Here is what I would do in your situation: 1) elope ASAP. Tell no one. Keep it between you and DH for the special memories. 2) get a pro photographer to take great pix of your Las Vegas elopement. 3) wear your dress for the elopement. 4) as soon as you return, call the handful of people who should hear it directly from you. Be understanding of whatever reaction they have. 5) post the pix on a flickr account or some other photosharing thing, and announce it very publicly to friends and family. Explain that this is instead of your wedding. 6) call bridesmaids and tell them that the check is in the mail to reimburse them for their deposits. I would also round up on the checks (if deposit was $80, write $100) or include another thank you gesture (like hand- deliver a bottle of wine or flowers with the check tied around it.) 7) plan a girls night get together with these bridesmaids to share all the details of your rad elopement. 8) if you wish, invite the most important people to you over to your house to celebrate. Get nice food (maybe some catered small plates) and champagne. This would be a good place to cut a cake. I would keep it under 30 ppl and do it within 1 month of your wedding. 9) let that be the end of it. I would not have a vow renewal/second wedding/ anniversary at all. ETA: was cut off before - so finished it up

I love your ideas! My dress actually hasn't come in yet, it won't be in until March. So I got a really cute Donna Morgan white knee length cocktail dress to wear for Vegas and a small veil. I am considering since I will have this gorgeous gown, having our wedding photographer still take pictures of us in my dress and his tux in a really pretty setting. So they will be wedding-ish type pictures but just not of the actual wedding.

sugarellie · January 2014

CurlingRocks said:

Absolutely pay people baclk. I'm pretty pissed at the friend who had me order a dress and then canclled her wedding. I also know someone who eloped and lied to everyone about it for more than a year, and that didn't go over ell. I also know a couple who love their legal wedding up 6 mo to include the groom's dying mother and held a vow renewal on their date which was really awesome. I think you should be honest from the getgo about your plans. A marriage should not start on a lie. Also have you gotten the prenuptual counseling that usually accompaies a church wedding? I read some red flags in here that worry me that you might be unprepared to deal with certain issues that will likely come up iñ your marriage. Dh and I got a lot out of our counseling session, and I hate to think you would miss that opportunity by eloping.

FI and I have been to counseling twice. Not at a church but with a clinical therapist. We went before we moved in together , since I had DS from a previous relationship we wanted to make the transition smooth for DS with the help of a therapist and we wanted to make sure we were both on the same page before we moved in. And we went after we got engaged last summer, to the same therapist. We have gotten a lot out of it each time we have gone..

stephl3055 · January 2014

Either tell people before you go or immediately after you get home. My SIL got married at a courthouse secretly and never planned on telling anyone she was married, even though she was still planning her big Catholic wedding and grand reception that was going to happen about 9 months later. We found out by accident 6 months after she was married but before the "wedding" and all hell broke loose. DH and SIL are still trying to repair their relationship.

Juliebird8307 · January 2014

I was supposed to be in a wedding that was exactly like your situation. The couple decided they didn't want to have the big wedding and decided to get married in Vegas. They invited only family at that point. I had already paid for my bridesmaid dress and the store wouldn't let me return it. It is still in my closet in te bag (from 4 years ago). I was never paid back for it. So, yes, you should pay the bridesmaids back. I was not happy paying $150 for a dress that I will never wear becuase the couple changed their mind.

If you are close with your family, I would tell them your plans. I could never elope without at least giving my family a chance to come. That being said, I also hate destination weddings (but that's another topic) so my opinion is kind of biased on this whole thing. I don't like when people have to pay that much to attend someone's wedding. It really depends on your family though.

From someone who has been to a lot of different types of weddings (destination with everyone invited, destination with reception at home, etc) I really do not like being invited to a reception after the wedding already happened. It feels like you are just asking for gifts/money. Even if you don't register, that usually means it's implied that you want money. So that being said, if you choose to elope, I would repay your beidesmaids and not have a ceremony after.

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