Adoption
davidandheather
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Attachment and then daycare/preschool
davidandheather
member
in Adoption
Those of you who have adopted toddlers or had an attachment plan or studied up on attachment, please let me know your thoughts about the daycare transition. What is the best way to handle starting them in a program when you are working on attachment?
We have had them since Nov 18. Our case plan is requiring that we put the kids in a part time program (age 2 and 3). I don't want to do it so soon, but have to do what the plan says. They are foster to adopt. They started 'school' last week. I explained to the school owner that the kids were in the process of being adopted and have been through a lot already in their young lives and new caregivers at daycare may be hard on them at first. She was very understanding and told me to plan on staying with them the first two times and that the little one might not make it more than an hour. But she forgot to tell her teachers that.
The first day I stayed for a little bit and the teachers seemed so annoyed. They kept telling me to leave. I told them what the owner said and they rolled their eyes and said they disagreed. They seemed like they did not want me to know what they do all day with the kids. Do they just sit around and not engage them and don't want me to know? Do they think I am the most annoying mom in the world because I won't just leave right away and have concern over my little boy who has already been in 5 homes and is only 2 years old?
Today I dropped them off and one of the teachers met me halfway on the way to put their stuff in the lockers and said "I know this is hard for YOU but HE is fine. You should leave now." And pushed me out the door without a chance to tell either of them goodbye. It really upset me and I don't get upset easily.
I know many kids have a hard time getting left at school, and maybe pushing parents out the door as fast as possible is the right thing to do for most kids? But my gut tells me that a kid that has come from a hard place and just come into your life through adoption, that the transition into daycare should be a little more gentle and the teachers should be more empathetic.
We've also had them both in a program at church on Sundays. He was doing fine with another teacher who was adoptive mom and would engage him right away and call me if he cried for more than 10 minutes. But this week, he started a new class. The new uninformed teacher said the same thing. "It is better for you to leave right away." But they would not pick him up and get him busy. He has his little arm around my leg so tight, crying that he wanted to stay with Mommy. So I took him to my class. I was not going to rip him away from my leg if they were not going to help.
At least his 'school' held him and got him busy so I could leave.
I've also had teachers tell me to sneak out when he is not looking. Is that really the right thing to do when kids have been abandoned?
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Re: Attachment and then daycare/preschool
Okay, I'm off my soap box now! If you want more ideas on what to do, PM me!
This is basically what I was going to say. I was botha a pre-school teacher and an assistant director. I would not trust my DD at a DC that doesn't have a completely open door policy for parents. Is it possible that the owner didn't share the information with the teachers that your LO is going through some substantial changes and is in the process of being adopted? There is never an excuse for not treating parents well but, perhaps they think they are helping and don't realize that these are different circumstances.
I agree that you should take a hard look at finding another place for them to go. A typical/good daycare/preschool should be telling you that you can call anytime, stop by anytime, and will accommodate you. DD's preschool/daycare actually had cameras in the room, and we could sign in on our computers to see how things were going.
Our preschool actually said not to just sneak out, because the child could look up and realize Mommy/Daddy wasn't there and freak out. There are ways to leave, even for a child who's having issues, that don't require sneaking out.
And I'm talking from a situation where DD may be adopted, but she was adopted as a newborn and we don't have any foster care issues to sort through.