You should be happy...I am happy but...

voplo · January 2014

Lately I got this question way to often. Why aren't you happy?, finally you are pregnant, right?

Yes, of course I am happy but I am also scared, terrified. I feel terrible for not "showing" my happiness to the world or being a radiant happy pregnant woman.

Of course I am happy...but I don't allow myself to show it, I keep it private, for me and him or her, in our quite moments I talk to him and tell him, please don't leave me too....

I know that many of you have 1, or even 7 miscarriages. It doesn't matter. The baggage is there with all of us. We lost at one point, someone we loved for the very first moment. It might be 5, 12 or 34 weeks...who cares, they were the same important and they left without even be able to touch them or hug them, comfort them. I couldn't do anything...

I am 12 almost 13 weeks now... Last time, we got the bad news around this time, in my first ultrasound (that I have next week). I was naive. I thought It can't happen again. We even picked up some names. I was happy, we told the close friends and the family. Then the news. There was no heartbeat, and mine almost stopped when I heard it too... A missed miscarriage... and a lot of bad weeks after that, lots of problems, grief... telling everyone...more grief... worry, anger, acceptance... (can you really accept it...?)

Now, if you can miscarriage without your body even noticing.... How do I know that at this point I am pregnant? Why is going to be different that last time? Hope, well..yes I have hopes but, right now I am in survival mode. We didn't told anyone, just the close family. We haven't even looked at names. I don't want to even think in anything baby-related. I just want to be done with the ultrasound and the tests and wait for the results.

How do you explain this to a person that hasn't gone through the same experience. Those people that only with blinking can get pregnant and go to have 3-4 kids happily without problems...? Maybe I am being a bit of drama queen, but the last time hit me so hard that I won't allow myself to be excited. If I do so, then I will be vulnerable again and I don't think I can go through the same situation and be able to walk out with my sanity intact...

2redtulips · January 2014

I don't think a lot of people realize just how big a deal it is to be expecting - and it's not just a big deal in the exciting ways, but in the scary ways as well. So many more women than I realized have experienced losses (and of course it comes out once you tell someone about your own loss).

By outward appearances (and thanks to the media), a woman is pregnant when she has a cute little bump. She glows. She's excited for her perfect little one. She buys sweet clothes and decorates the nursery, and all is right with the world.

What people don't see is the agonizing weeks and months of waiting for that cute bump to show. In the meantime, waiting for those good numbers and the heartbeat. Waiting for good news.

Being pgal, all of that is heightened.

So, it's ok if you are not outwardly excited and jumping up and down. You feel what you feel - and your feelings aren't wrong. It's ok to let yourself experience the full range of human emotion - even the darker emotions. Being pregnant doesn't make you suddenly superhuman and immune to those emotions.

Your excitement will come in time.

{{HUGS}}

SaranJonathan · January 2014

You have every right to feel the way you do. Unless someone has been through it they don't get it. I myself have had four losses. Just today after my NT scan do I feel a glimmer of happiness and hope. Hugs

Serenla · January 2014

(((Hugs))) do you want the nice thing o say or the snarky thing?
A lot of us do not get crazy excited, we know what it's like to lose a baby(ies) and it's ok to be scared. Trying to explain that to someone who doesn't know or can relate is kind of like trying to explain to a man what being a woman is like. They will maybe kind of get it but they won't understand. If I'm being nice I gently let them know that it's good that I'm pregnant but I still mourn my babies and I worry for this one sometimes.

You're going to have good days and you are going to have petrified days where you're afraid to take a breath for fear of losing another. Enjoy and relax during the good days and lean on your support during the bad.

Oh my snarky answer is "well you have two grandmothers right? If one passes you still have ther other so you'd be peachy." I generally reserve that for real jerks.

voplo · January 2014

You made me cry! Ffs I am an emotional pregnant woman! Thank you for your reply.

SandSunBliss · January 2014

You have just said what most of us feel or have felt. It is scary as hell. I didn't actually get excited and ready to plan things until I felt movement, which was this week. Even my husband didn't quite get why I was so anxious and unsure. ((Hugs))

Okiewife2011 · January 2014

I understand where you are coming from. I will be 34 weeks on Tuesday and today has been one of those hard days for me. We lost our first baby 1 year ago today and I have felt just about every PgAL emotion possible today. Sadness for the baby we never got to know, fear of the unknown for this beautiful boy we are currently carrying, joy when I felt his movements today, guilt over being happy today when baby boy was being so active after a few days of slower activity, and rage over a friend announcing her pregnancy on Facebook by posting a picture of her pee stick that probably hadn't even dried yet.

As the other ladies have said, nobody else can know what it is like to be hyperaware of everything that could go wrong and sometimes does go wrong in pregnancy. The only people that do are people that have experienced it and have shared their stories. Those people who have shared with me are the ones that have helped me through the past year. That is why I shared with people today about our loss so maybe I could be that light in the dark for others that feel they have nobody to talk to and feel alone.

Sending lots of ((Hugs)) your way and hoping you find some peace and hope with this pregnancy soon.

Brittany12Wed140385 · January 2014

You are not a drama queen at all.
Thanks for writing this. I am sure a lot of us feel the same way. It is comforting to know we are not alone.

I am so sorry for your losses!

Thoughts and prayers for a happy & healthy pregnancy!

LM915 · January 2014

voplo said:

Lately I got this question way to often. Why aren't you happy?, finally you are pregnant, right?
Yes, of course I am happy but I am also scared, terrified. I feel terrible for not "showing" my happiness to the world or being a radiant happy pregnant woman.
Of course I am happy...but I don't allow myself to show it, I keep it private, for me and him or her, in our quite moments I talk to him and tell him, please don't leave me too....
I know that many of you have 1, or even 7 miscarriages. It doesn't matter. The baggage is there with all of us. We lost at one point, someone we loved for the very first moment. It might be 5, 12 or 34 weeks...who cares, they were the same important and they left without even be able to touch them or hug them, comfort them. I couldn't do anything...
I am 12 almost 13 weeks now... Last time, we got the bad news around this time, in my first ultrasound (that I have next week). I was naive. I thought It can't happen again. We even picked up some names. I was happy, we told the close friends and the family. Then the news. There was no heartbeat, and mine almost stopped when I heard it too... A missed miscarriage... and a lot of bad weeks after that, lots of problems, grief... telling everyone...more grief... worry, anger, acceptance... (can you really accept it...?)

Now, if you can miscarriage without your body even noticing.... How do I know that at this point I am pregnant? Why is going to be different that last time? Hope, well..yes I have hopes but, right now I am in survival mode. We didn't told anyone, just the close family. We haven't even looked at names. I don't want to even think in anything baby-related. I just want to be done with the ultrasound and the tests and wait for the results.

How do you explain this to a person that hasn't gone through the same experience. Those people that only with blinking can get pregnant and go to have 3-4 kids happily without problems...? Maybe I am being a bit of drama queen, but the last time hit me so hard that I won't allow myself to be excited. If I do so, then I will be vulnerable again and I don't think I can go through the same situation and be able to walk out with my sanity intact...

This is something (the bolded) that has been on my mind constantly. My body thought I was pregnant for 2-3 weeks before we found out something was wrong last time. How do I know that's not happening again right now? I keep asking myself that on a daily basis, and I wish I could stop. It's hard. I don't have any advice, but sending you ((hugs)).

Mustardseed2007 · January 2014

I agree with the good days bad days feeling. It seems like, too, with this pregnancy every time I FINALLY relax there is a new twist. The past week I've felt like I need to be superstitious and not counting on anything; I'm not prepping anything; I'm basically just living for the next doctors appointment where I can look at her or listen to her heart beat.

Sorry that this comment wasn't really helpful other than I am glad you posted this b/c I can totally relate.

dawnstar898 · January 2014

I had a MMC too so I know exactly how you feel. I found out at my 10 week appt. that there was no heartbeat and the baby only measured 6 weeks. My 10 week appointment is Jan. 28th this time around and I am just petrified. I don't even know how I'm functioning as a person right now, but I am. I am so sorry you have to go through this as well, it just plain sucks!

mileswithmyles · January 2014

I think your feelings are so normal for someone who is PgAL. My close friends know my anxieties, but I try to just put on a happy face for other people.

With week past my loss milestone, I feel less anxious, but I know the beginning is hard. Hugs to you.

pineconey · January 2014

((((Hugs))))

voplo · January 2014

Wow, I am just overwhelmed. I have never found so much understanding, empathy and common feelings before when I shared my fears about this. I am so... I just have no words to describe how good it feels not be the only one like this (even if I am sorry we all are in this really sad situation). I guess we just have to endure it and have faith that this one will be the one. And I hope it turns to be true for everyone. I say to myself 2014 is going to be the year.

Tink1704 · January 2014

I know how your feeling and first off want to give you some (((hugs))). It took nearly 5 years for me to finally get pregnant. I was over the moon ecstatic and told everyone. When DH and I went in for our next appt I kept looking for the heartbeat. I didnt understand, the week before I saw it beating away. Then my RE told me the news. I tried to contain myself as we left the building, but tears kept streaming out. Once we got to the car it was full blown sobs for the entire 2 hour drive home where I was so exhausted that I fell asleep. Once we started trying again I found myself getting frustrated and angry. Why was it so hard to conceive?!?!? It was so easy for all my friends!

Then I found out I was pregnant. One small, brief moment of excitement followed by dread. What if I lost this one too??? Could I handle it??? At that moment I realized that I couldnt allow myself to get excited yet. I needed to wait. But by doing so I did rob myself of the excitement people have when they find out they are carrying a baby. I never completely lost the fear of a mc. Even now as I am days from delivering my little girl I panic. I pull out the doppler and check her heartbeat or I rush to the birthing center for a fetal check. That fear is always with me. It is a part of me.

But over time as my pregnancy progressed I slowly let go of some of that fear and allowed some happiness and excitement to creep in. You will forever be changed by the moments and experiences in your life. It makes you the person you are now and thats a stronger person. Even if you feel vulnerable and weak with the uncertainty of the unknown remember that you are not alone. We are all there for you in some way. And we are only given what we can handle. One thing my DH said to me when I feared MC again was he would say "this baby is fine. And he or she needs you to be strong for them. What is meant to be will be but fear and stress wont help this baby grow".

Put faith in the fact that until you are told otherwise, this baby is healthy and fine. Allow some happiness to enter your heart again.Good luck.

voplo · January 2014

Thank you. I am very sorry that you had go go through all that, the wait...the mc.. I hope soon, you have a little one in your arms and all this will have a meaning and you forget about the bad moments. Also, your husband seems a very nice and wise person. I am happy for you and I wish you the best.

Skeemer · January 2014

Danged quote box I hate you! *sigh*
There's been so many caring & thoughtful responses already but I just wanted to reach out & give you a big ((((((((hug))))))).

"Why aren't you happy?, finally you are pregnant, right?"
^ This is completely unfair & not an appropriate question to ask anyone. It's like losing a mother, your dad remarries & people say "Well you've got a new mother why aren't you happy?" No person ever replaces another person. Being pregnant again doesn't wipe away the loss you experienced. It's unfair for people to assume that.

"How do you explain this to a person that hasn't gone through the same experience."
^ Sweetie, you can't. Even the people you love the most may sympathize to an extent & hopefully none of those people will ever go through what you have been through. You can only share your heart with the people who love you & care enough to help you walk through this. Everyone else isn't worth your time. Come here & talk to us. We're here to hug you, talk to you, encourage you & empathize with you.

"Maybe I am being a bit of drama queen"
^ No, you're not. You've walked a hard road. All the emotions have been real, the hurt has been there. Express it how you need to & help yourself heal.

ETA: Quote box madness!

voplo · January 2014

Hahaha I had to laugh with that. I loved the answer. Thank you.

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