How to feel

sorrellam30 · January 2014

I start my injections for ivf #4 next week, the closer we get the more depressed I feel. I want to be excited and treat this like a cycle not related to the other cycles but I guess so many bfns are keeping me apprehensive. We've learned a lot on this journey but I guess I'm terrified it won't be enough. How do you get your heads back in the game?

sorrellam30 · January 2014

Well said, it's not that I'm actively depressed more just...indifferent, like I have no expectations. Sometimes I feel worried bc I know it's our last try but I'm just trying to focus on each day as it comes. I hope this is your cycle too!

kflynn81 · January 2014

What really helped me was making a new CD for each cycle that I could listen to in the car on my way to appointments. They're my "Infertility Get Psyched" playlists

I've got six now and working on #7.... Yikes

sorrellam30 · January 2014

That's brilliant, I like the idea of different songs different cycles because some songs that used to her me pumped for ivf 1 would make me sad now, fresh songs for a fresh cycle

AJC&Maggie · January 2014

***ticker***

Sorrellam30 I am so happy to see you cycling again!
It's so hard to not feel completely numb and just expect another failure. I think what you are feeling is so natural and probably very common. I was so numb and blah for my last cycle. I had no emotions. I just felt like I didn't care one way or the other.
Hang in there and best wishes!!!

Lacyj67 · January 2014

I like to do crafty stuff to keep my mind from going to a dark place. Right now quilting is my new thing so I just made a gender neutral baby quilt and now in making myself a rag quilt to snuggle with in the car to transfer and while on my modified bed rest! It's helping me stay busy and focused on something other than the actual transfer!!! Good luck I hope you can find something that works for you! The songs is a cute idea!! Singing always makes me feel better and dancing!!

Km672 · January 2014

This is exactly how I felt when we did our FET. I had been so hopeful for our fresh cycle and when that didnt work, I had little faith the FET would result in anything different.

I literally just took it day by day.
I just made it from appt to appt.

It's

Km672 · January 2014

Ooops! Hit post reply too early!

It's ok to just be and not be excited.

It's ok to feel hopeful one min and hopeless the next. It's totally understandable and won't change the outcome either way.

I hope you're feeling better soon and I wish you the best of luck.

JSM0801 · January 2014

Ugh, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way! It is completely normal, and I think everyone on this board can relate after going through so much heartbreak. There is no way after countless bfn's, you could possibly have that same excitement & optimism about starting another cycle. You have to protect your heart. I remember feeling empty and numb going into my 3rd cycle and wondering how I could have ever been so naive when we started this journey. Then by my 4th, I sort of took the approach that this was most likely my last & final attempt using my own body, and if it didn't work, it would be a sense of closure, and we could move on to other options. You just have to go through the motions and push forward. If it is your last try, give it everything you got!! And know that you do still have a glimmer of hope, or you wouldn't be going through it all again! Don't feel guilty for any of the emotions or non-emotions you are feeling. It is a constant roller coaster!

I soooo hope #4 is as lucky for you as it was for me!! I'm rooting for you and wishing you all the very best!!!

sorrellam30 · January 2014

I always counted myself lucky for having a good support system in my life, but boy they still don't compare to you guys

JSM0801 · January 2014

I meant to ask you but forgot...did you guys ever do pgd testing? And have you ever had an endometrial scratch before a cycle? I'm asking about the scratch, b/c I feel like there are a bunch of us on here that had "unexplained implantation failure" and had success the cycles we had the scratch done. Not saying that was the miracle, but it certainly can't hurt!

sorrellam30 · January 2014

I will ask my RE about it this week, he believes my implanting issues are bc of my elevated progesterone at trigger-which of course they never checked the first cycle. But I'm willing to endure it if he's willing to do it!

zazu13 · January 2014

*** PAIF ***

In my opinion, your heart doesn't necessarily need to be 100% in the game. For my last (successful) cycle I was just going through the motions. I did not have my hopes up. I didn't expect it to work. I dutifully did everything my doctor said and went to my appointments. I did hope and pray about the outcome, but I wasn't really excited. I tried to fill my time and focus on other things that brought me joy - outings with my husband, reading, picking up hours at work, etc. At transfer I cried because I was sure it wasn't going to work. Even my dr did not seem optimistic. I was shocked (and still am) about the outcome. If you can't quite figure out how to get your head in the game, but you know you need to proceed with the cycle then I say just go for it. You can't "spoil" the outcome by what's in your heart. I knew we needed to cycle to see our pre-paid cycles through, for closure and so we could move on to other options, but never because I really thought it was going to be the one.

I so hope it is the successful cycle for you. Big hugs as you take these very difficult and emotional steps forward.

sorrellam30 · January 2014

Thank you, your story does give me hope

rlk2 · January 2014

I totally understand how you are feeling and like others have said, it's completely normal. We try and shield our hearts after so many tragedies. All you can do is stay strong because there is no other choice and know that we have all been there! We are here for you to pick you up when you are feeling down and to be excited and positive for you!

kflynn81 · January 2014

@geordie314 .... I have a "songs" tab on my blog actually so I can keep track of the songs that I've found to be helpful along the way.

beachy6 · January 2014

I think if you can't get into it, jut go day by day. Put one foot in front of the other. We have our WTF tomorrow (finally) and will plan our FET. I have zero emotions about this one. Nada. I have to just go with that and be okay with it. There is nothing wrong with not feeling one way or the other about a cycle and just going through the motions. It seems to have worked out for some ladies! Let everyone here be positive for you and cheer you on along the way! Best of luck!!

MrsC430 · January 2014

@kflynn81 I LOVE the playlist idea!

PrettyAccountant · January 2014

I agree with beachy. You take it as you can and one day at a time. Bffn are hard enough - no need to beat yourself up over not be positive enough - go easy on yourself.

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