NBR: I need some shoulders to cry on, guys

martha919 · January 2014

So, my marriage is really fucked up right now. We've been fighting a lot, really since we've been married (almost 3yrs) and while there have been periods where things were looking up for us (like around when DD was conceived...), it's been an uphill battle.

Without getting too much into it, the past couple of months have been especially rough, and we had a huuuuge fight today during which DH told me that he doesn't like being around me and frankly, I don't like being around him, either. He is the king of pessimists and is very controlling. He told me I should go stay with my parents and I think I will, at least for a few days (with DD, obviously).

He has told me he doesn't want to do counseling and reiterated that tonight. I just don't know what's going to happen with us and I'm scared that it'll be "over" between us relatively soon. I mean, who knows, he could decide he wants to get help but he's 43 and stubborn as hell so I'm not holding my breath.

Sorry that got long and I know we don't really know each other, but I can't talk to anyone IRL because they obviously also know my DH and well, he's still my husband and I shouldn't say anything bad about him. So...thanks for listening.

ambmama · January 2014

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't have advice, but am in somewhat of a similar situation. My DH and I always fight and he's told me numerous times that he hates me and doesn't want to be around me. We seem to always get 'better,' but I know we don't have that happiness that married couples should.

I hope you can choose to do what is best for you. It's obviously hard with a little one to think of yourself, but you deserve to be happy. I hope he changes his mind about counseling. Good luck, t&p for you.

82Sonia · January 2014

Go to your parents' house and get a few days away from each other. It will do you some good. Hopefully being apart will help him see that working on your relationship is worthwhile and will reconsider counseling.

Having a baby is hard. DH and I definitely have to work harder on our relationship where we didn't have to work at all before. I'm sorry you are going through this.

martha919 · January 2014

Thanks, ladies. Y'all made me cry in a good way!

@amberhoon That's exactly it--there's just clearly something missing. I know all relationships are different but it's been a very long time since I'd say we were truly happy, if ever really. Things started going downhill after we got back from the honeymoon. :-( Sorry y'all haven't found your bliss, either.

loreeann86 · January 2014

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I agree, I think a few days at your parent's would be a good thing. I really don't have advice....but I hope things work out for the best, that you are happy. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers

this decaf life · January 2014

Really sorry for you guys, best wishes.

ReeceFamily · January 2014

Me and DH have been struggling lately too. We have never been terribly romantic but we are normally really close companions. And lately we just can't find our groove. He's been depressed and crabby and I've gotten more and more resentful. We finally stopped in the middle of a tense discussion last night and both of us admitted that this was a very rough patch for us and we are sick of fighting. We have lots of new issues to figure out and it's tough when he is battling his demons (depression). But some how stepping back and almost laughing about how tough things have been helped us a little. The mood has been lighter at our house this weekend.

Anyway, relationships can be so hard. I hope you are able to get away and get some perspective, and I hope he softens up about counseling. Sometimes you need that impartial person to at least figure out if it's worth the struggle.

OhBaby+2013 · January 2014

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. DH and I have been together 11 years this month, but the first 5 years were rocky and we even split up twice, once for a month and once for 6 months. We both needed some work. Sometimes time apart can be very helpful. You deserve to be loved and respected. Your DH must compromise on the counseling. He has to do it for himself though. I know you said you can't talk to anyone IRL but maybe there is someone you can confide in who could also talk to your DH. Sometimes an outside voice will come through 10x louder than a spouse. Good luck, and chin up it will all work out somehow.

aklawrence1 · January 2014

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I wish I could help. All I can say is, sometimes a few days apart really does make a huge difference. And if not, just know that whether we know you IRL or just as a bumpmama, we are here for you and thinking of you.

ohiodoxiemama08 · January 2014

@martha919 I am sorry to hear that

marriage is certainly hard work. I hope that some time apart will be good for both of you.

I hope that he changes his mind about the counseling too...seems like it would be a good thing for you two.

I don't have much advice except don't give up if you don't want to. I'm part of a "fire wives" group and a lot of the ladies have gone through very tough times but swear that with hard work it is possible to save your marriage. Are you familiar with the book The Love Dare? I highly recommend it.

Sending you lots of hugs and good t&ps. Hang in there.

martha919 · January 2014

You ladies are so great. Thank you all.

emja0214 · January 2014

So sorry you are going through this. T&P are coming towards you. As PP said maybe time apart will be good. You do deserve to be happy though not only for you, but for your sweet baby girl's sake. I hope things turn around and he will consider counseling. You can only do what feels right in your heart.

82Sonia · January 2014

I wanted to add that even if he refuses to go to counseling, you might findit helpful to go on your own.

Celicachic25 · January 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not an expert but it looks like you are not alone. My DS is my first and DH and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2 of those. From my experience having a baby takes a toll on a relationship. Often times I am so busy with LO and DH gets put on the back burner. I have to remember to make time for him. Add in his stress from work and its an accident waiting to happen. Our relationship has not been perfect but about a month ago it got bad and he said he didn't love me and took his ring off and left after saying goodbye to LO. I was heart broken but I let him be and thankfully he came back home that night and we talked. We are working on our relationship and so far we are doing alright. I am stubborn and I would never leave our house. I hope it works out how you want it to, thoughts and prayers. Sorry so long, just want you to know that you are not alone.

misscarter87 · January 2014

Sorry you are feeling this way..i think a lil time at your parents house will def help u figure things out! I know its so hard dealing with a stubborn mate.

spainy17 · January 2014

You are not alone. My DH and I have been together eight years and were in a great place having a baby and it still pt our relationship through the ringer. Add in our reflux and bottle issues and DH ended up depressed and I almost left him numerous times. It took us until DD was almost six months for us to get to a place where we could communicate and he became more involved. We are still not perfect but I am glad we stuck it out. I have said since that it is amazing how hard it was even though we did everything "right" (planned baby, together a long time, financially stable, family support, etc.) and how I can't imagine how it would be in any other situation. He might change his tune about counseling if he knows he might lose you. Also, time heals many things and I can say that we are doing far better now just by gritting out teeth and working at it. You have our support no matter what, we all know it can be difficult!

martha919 · January 2014

You ladies are the bomb. We got some space yesterday, and he called us home and we figured out some things to try and if they don't work, he agreed to counseling. I feel like he finally really heard me about some things, so that's good.

I feel so loved by y'all. I'm all warm and fuzzy inside. :-D

dulcemariamar1 · January 2014

Hugs! I hope things start to look up from here.

mreinke8289 · January 2014

Glad to read your follow up comment. I'm so sorry things are hard for you guys now though. I never imagined how hard parenting decisions would be and how that would affect our relationship. I hate when my hubby and I are "off." I hope what you guys talked about works out for you. Good on ya both for putting the effort into your relationship.

NBR: I need some shoulders to cry on, guys

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