Please tell me to get over myself.... (Very long)

ssublett09 · January 2014

Next Sunday I work and DH has class so we needed to find someone to watch LO. My mom could have done it (she is her daycare provider) but DH wanted to give his mom a chance to watch her. I would have no problem with this is except things have been pretty tense with her and us lately...

MIL used to not be a problem to be around we always did stuff with DHs family! Then I got pregnant... Everything changed with the way she was towards me. I almost felt suffocated around her because she was always putting in her input and I felt like it was a little too much to be around. We ended up doing a lot more with my parents partially because I just wanted to be around my mom and have her support and comfort during my pregnancy because she wasn't suffocating, it was nice to be so close with her during it. Then it came time to have LO and all the grandparents were coming and going while I was in labor, the days after I had her my mom was mostly there helping us with whatever we needed which we were so thankful for because I had a c section. MIL wasn't able to come up to the hospital often because she was babysitting our nephew. The night before I was going to get released there was a huge blow up with MIL and DH that left us both in tears in the hospital... (That's a whole long story). I still have a grudge against this whole thing but have put it on the back burning for DHs sake.

Some other things that have happened is she is always asking DH when he is bring HER baby by. Number 1 I hate it when people call LO their baby and number two she never calls and asks if she can come by to see her. She always wants us to come see her when its convienant for her. If we're not able to she gets all pissy with DH. That frustrates me pretty bad.

The other thing is is the disrespect she has towards my mother now. She doesn't aknowledge her If we're all together and she is constantly making it known when she sees LO. I hate the way she is towards my mom because all my mom wants is everyone to be able to get along and have a good time together. This bothers me the most....

Anyways next weekend MIL is coming over to watch Lo while we're gone which will be 7-5. I am freaking out and dreading this so bad... She has never watch her while she's alone (usually its at their house while we go to the gym and SIL or FIL are there). MIL has no idea about LOs schedule or anything so I plan on writing this all down. She also smokes which I hate because she wears the same clothes she smokes in to hold LO in even though we have told her not to do that... I also don't want Lo left alone so she can go smoke... Like I said before this isn't like it was a last resort thing but DH wanted to let his mom watch her. I just keep trying to tell myself it's one day and LO will be okay. I just know ill be pacing while I'm at work.

Thank you for who made it this far I don't know if I need to get over myself or what but this sucks!!!

ginamarie1005 · January 2014

I can totally relate and don't feel like you should get over yourself. I also have a strained relationship with my MIL and the thought of her being alone with my baby gives me anxiety like none other. Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to say I feel your pain. Thankfully in my situation my DH is understanding of my feelings (when he wants to be) towards his mother and, for now, is okay with me not leaving LO with her alone.

ssublett09 · January 2014

DH totally understands my feelings but also doesn't want his mom to get all pissed at him... I wish we could just get it out in the open about everything and find a solution but he wants peace. Yes major anxiety about leaving her with MIL...

happybride 276 · January 2014

You aren't wrong in being frustrated with your MIL but you should have said you don't want her to watch her and why before you committed to your husband. You need to communicate with him and find a resolution. Tell you MIL the schedule and tell her she can't smoke at your house and why. Of she can't abide by your rules she doesn't need to watch your kid.

redfallon · January 2014

Even without all the other stuff, the smoking would put me off, and the possibility of her going outside and leaving your baby while she smokes. If she is a regular smoker, she's not going to be able to not smoke from 7am to 5pm, even if she tells you she can.

happybride 276 · January 2014

redfallon said:
Even without all the other stuff, the smoking would put me off, and the possibility of her going outside and leaving your baby while she smokes. If she is a regular smoker, she's not going to be able to not smoke from 7am to 5pm, even if she tells you she can.

There is the work around to her not watching the baby. See how my mind works;)

ssublett09 · January 2014

Yeah the smoking is a big deal to us... I won't be here in the morning when she gets her so hopefully DH can tell her before...

SoCalBrandi · January 2014

100% agree w/RedFallon on the smoking, not to mention that's a long stretch for someone who's never watched LO solo before. may be weird, but is there no way she & your mom could split the shift maybe? Sorry I don't have better advice (I've got a shitty MIL too but that's another story)

GermanShredders · January 2014

Yeah, no way she is going that long without smoking. Then she is probably going to come right back inside and pick up your LO. Hell to the no.

kailet · January 2014

Even without all if the other issues I'd be against it just because of the smoking factor. Also as others have said I wouldn't want my baby left alone so she could go outside and smoke.

imakeeff0rts · January 2014

This just sounds like a bad idea all around. The smoking, the disrespect, and the smothering would definitely make it a no-go for me. Imo, find someone else. She seems to be a point of contention in your relationship and it's not going to get better if you and YH allow this.

Just out of curiosity, what happened that leftyou both in tears? If you don't want to share, I understand.

coraggiosa · January 2014

If my MIL smoked and refused to change her clothes while wearing LO, I'd tell my DH to shove it and not give a crap that he wants his mom to have a chance to watch her. This sounds like a talk you need to have with your H.

ssublett09 · January 2014

imakeeff0rts said:
This just sounds like a bad idea all around. The smoking, the disrespect, and the smothering would definitely make it a no-go for me. Imo, find someone else. She seems to be a point of contention in your relationship and it's not going to get better if you and YH allow this.

Just out of curiosity, what happened that leftyou both in tears? If you don't want to share, I understand.

I mentioned my mom helped us A LOT in the hospital, some may think too much but it was so great so DH could help me out. I wouldnt feel comfortable having MIL in the hospital room with my boobs all hung out as I was learning to nurse and pump, also that's just a very sensitive time after you have has a baby we all know that. So I wasn't too upset that MIL wasn't up there much. I had LO on a Friday and they saw her Friday and Saturday night/evening. Not my fault she had to watch our nephew she didn't even ask if DH could sit outside while she came in for a few to visit (he said he wouldn't have minded). Sunday came around and at 3 she texted DH saying she was going to come up, we had just gotten LO to sleep and I was going to nap so he told her maybe in a couple of hours because we were resting. She flipped out and said she couldn't come up later that she had to cook dinner. DH had to run home and pick up something's and on his way back she told him to stop by and pick up A frame my mom got for MIL and her to put a picture of LO DH and I in and give to us as a gift from "the grandmothers" my mom was just trying to do something fun and nice. My mom bought the frame and MIL was going to put a picture in it. Well when DH picked up the frame there was no picture in it. (She was pissed off so she just gave it to us without a picture) when DH stopped by their house they got into a huge argument and she was saying it wasn't fair that my mom was up there all the time. Really lady?!? It's MY mother I wanted up there. So DH called me in tears saying we shouldn't have any visitors because of everything that was going on... (My sister was going to come by too) since everything had just blown up I think he just wanted us to be alone as a family... So anyways as I waited for dH to come back to the hospital I told my mom what happened and she said okay ill go but if we needed anything to call. So there I was left with a 2 day old baby bawling my eyes out alone in a hospital room... The poor nurse who I vented to probably thought we were nuts... DH finally got there and we both were crying and talked about it. (i think we were both so tired snd drained it just really got to DH that his mom wasnt giving him any support) We ended up having a nice relaxing night just our little family which was great (we told the staff no visitors). So anyways the next day we got discharged and went home. MIL, FIL, SIL and our nephew were coming to bring us dinner. I didn't want to see MIL because I was so upset, when they go to the house I stayed in our room for a while "resting" DH came to chrck on me and i just was bawling because i was stull upset. I finally came out and she acted like nothing had happened, not a word was said about it. All this really bothered me for a while and I think that's why I really suffered from baby blues.

Okay wow sorry so long

HBirdie · January 2014

@ssublett09: Ugh, that story is awful and so is your situation for next Sunday. I also really, really think you should try to find someone else to watch the baby, because there is no way in HELL I'd let that woman be alone with my baby for ten hours or whatever it is. Not even. The smoking, the crappy behavior, not being familiar with her schedule... all of it seems like a bad idea to me. I hope you can figure something else out. Keep us updated!

Sidenote: WTH gives in-laws the idea that they should be as important to you as your own parents? My SMIL and FIL put us through something VERY similar after Caleb was born and it still pisses me off. Since we have three sets of parents (DH's are divorced), there were lots of people wanting to see him, obviously.

My mom was there for labor and delivery and for some reason that made my step MIL very jealous (as if I'd want her in there with me? No thank you). Because she got butthurt about that, she decided they didn't need to be waiting at the hospital, so they left and the only people there when he was born were my parents and DH's mom (DH's stepdad was working).

When we found out I had to have a c-section, DH kept trying to call his dad and his stepmom, and neither of them were answering their cell phones. They KNEW we were at the hospital having the baby, and they ignored him. Then they weren't there when he was born, and when they showed up later, they got super pissed off when they had to leave the room so I could get checked by the doc and feed Caleb. We asked them to step out for just a few minutes, and when they got to the lobby, they saw that my parents and DH's other parents had just gotten there to visit, and they decided to just leave without saying goodbye.

They didn't visit the next day, then the day after, they came in the evening (when we were having all of our visitors, so they weren't trickling in all day). Despite my very angry protests, they opened up a bottle of alcohol and poured it into dixie cups and tried to pass it around, and everyone was like, "Uh, that's not allowed, this is a HOSPITAL..." and they could all see how upset I was that it was open (I was terrified the nurses were going to kick DH out and I'd be alone). So they stood there for a minute or two, then stepped out of the room. I figured they were looking for the restroom or grabbing something from the car, since they hadn't even looked at the baby yet, but nope, they just left. Again. Without saying goodbye. And then they texted DH and told him that my mom was making them feel uncomfortable. And she literally didn't do anything!

It was all really upsetting to me. They were mad that they didn't get private time with us and the baby- they did not want to be there when any of the other grandparents were. It was awful, my poor husband especially took the brunt of it. I was stuck in bed and we were both exhausted and trying to plan visitors was stressful (esp. with BFing and meeting with the LC every day and nurses and docs coming in and out), so we were intentionally having them all come at once, and they hated it.

I'm still really angry and bitter about how they treated us, and how they treated my family. I've never talked to them about it and probably never will, because I'm just not bold enough, but I wish I could tell them what a bad time that was for us and how miserable they made us feel.

Sorry for threadjacking. I wasn't trying to steal the spotlight with my crappy IL story. Just wanted you to know that you are sooo not alone.

ssublett09 · January 2014

@hbirdie So sorry about your story

I hate how "family" thinks they can try to ruin an amazing time and experience with shitty behaviors that's what makes me mad the most.

jmjewell19 · January 2014

Sorry to both of you for the crappy in-law stories. That sounds awful

The smoking thing is why MIL never gets to watch LO (well, that and she's BSC), but smoking is a serious issue. Third-hand smoke (clothes, hair, carpets, etc) is just as serious and dangerous as second-hand smoke, from what I can find. That's a completely legit reason to find someone else. Plus, if you're not comfortable with your MIL watching LO, you're going to be miserable and worried all day at work. Good luck.

AppleMuffins · January 2014

I might be in the minority here, but your MIL doesn't sound like a heinous, awful person. Annoying yes, but I think this it would be beneficial to try to move past it. In the same way that you prefer your mom over your mil, you can't fault her for wanting to be with her son. It's his baby as much as yours and she's bound to want to be there for him. Unfortunately, it wasn't his body being put through the gauntlet so you do ultimately get to call the shots, but just try to understand that she's coming from a place of love for her son and grandchild. She wants to be there for him as any mother wants to be there for her child and shes probably jealous or uneasy about her role. If you have a son you might go through something similar in the distant future.

If it weren't for the smoking, I think this could be a good opportunity to reconnect. Yes, she doesn't know your baby's schedule, but you are writing it down and I think she would respect it more or less since babies are easier when they come with a cheat sheet like that. Even my husband needs a cheat sheet to care for our dd. He doesn't know what her day is like when he's at work. I do like the idea of doing the day in shifts though. Have your mom relieve her later in the day just incase it isn't going well. And then she can go smoke all she wants on her own time.

staebells · January 2014

I must be crazy, because my mom smokes, has her entire life, and I don't mind her smoking outside and coming back in and playing with my LO at all. I'm sure this is an UO. I grew up with everyone smoking around me, smoking in restaurants, in bars, in public places, airports, etc...so, I guess my mom smoking outside and coming back in to hold him seems pretty minor to me. If she were watching my DS for hours, I'm sure she wouldn't leave him to smoke, she goes an entire work day without smoking, but she would wait until a nap and then bring the monitor with her. I'd be more concerned about the relationship issues. Maybe this is what needs to happen for everyone to move on?

cputman200 · January 2014

I am sorry you are having to deal with this whole situation. I know it's easy for us on the outside to say what to do or not do but we are not the ones who have to deliver the message and deal with the bad attitude responses that will surely come as a result.

My only suggestion is since she is not going to be able to go that long without smoking, can you leave her one of your husband's button up shirts to wear over her clothes while smoking? She could leave it outside with the cigarettes. I know it won't stop all the exposure but it would cover the area that has the closest contact with LO.

Good luck!

Kristonita12 · January 2014

I agree with everyone, tell her the rules and if she can't abide by them, find someone else. My mom is a smoker and watches LO. She is also the type to be really combative if things don't go her way. When she begged to be our childcare while I work, I was hesitant and we had a HUGE fight about her not smoking around the baby. Eventually, she agreed because I was firm that it was no smoking or no watching LO. She babysits M-F 7-5 and the way she handles it is that she only smokes while LO is napping (so like three cigarettes a day.. which is DRASTICALLY lower than it was before), she changes into a different shirt when she's in our house (so no smoke left over) and she washes her hands/chews gum after each cigarette. I educated her about the dangers and she's totally on board now. I hope that gives you some hope about your situation..

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Please tell me to get over myself.... (Very long)

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