This should be an interesting Sunday morning conversation.. — The Bump
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This should be an interesting Sunday morning conversation..

DH came home from work last night and we got on the topic of cheating spouses. Because I watch trash like scandal and betrayal haha. As we were talking I stated that I don't think that cheating is a reason to end your marriage. Now hear me out. I would not cheat, never had, blah blah. But I have seen one night stands rip marriages apart.
I think that having a one night stand is not something that should break up a marriage/family. I don't know that if I found out my husband went away and cheated with a stranger one time I would feel as though it was worth giving up everything we built. (Clearly he would have to be remorseful and it be a one time occurrence, not like he has one night stands weekly). If he was emotionally involved with another person and developing a relationship with them I would be much more upset and I don't know if I could move on from that.
He simply said that if he found out I cheated he would walk out of the house and never look back. No matter what the situation. Oh, he may have also said he would have me killed haha. He can be dramatic.
So now this morning we joked that I can never cheat but he knows he gets a free pass... Lol
Am I alone in how I feel? Is a cheating spouse definite cause for divorce. Does it depend on the situation.
Don't flame my opinion. I just am curious as to others thoughts. :)
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Re: This should be an interesting Sunday morning conversation..

  • I think that's a tough one, and probably wouldn't know for sure unless it really happened. I think it would be a deal breaker for me, though.
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  • It's hard to say how I would react if it came down to it, but if it was just a physical, one time thing I probably wouldn't leave if he was remorseful and agreed to LOTS of counseling
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  • I don't think I could go back to a cheating spouse whether it would be a one night stand or an affair. I think it would be constantly on my mind anytime we fought or hit a rough patch that he would go off and screw someone else. Someone capable of doing that is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.
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  • It would depend on the situation for me. Serial cheating, or a actual relationship with another woman? Deal breaker most likely. One night stand that is immediately regretted? I'd be willing to try to work through it with counselling, etc. I'd have him move out and earn his way back, though. 

    I really value my marriage and deeply trust DH. I cannot imagine him EVER even thinking about cheating, never mind following through on it... I think I'm more likely to do it than him, actually, and it's not something that I'd ever do. So, if it did somehow happen, I'd know it came from a place of deep confusion or depression or something on his part that was really not normal for him, that he was in a dark place, which is why I'd be willing to give him a second chance. 

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  • It would depend on the situation for me. Serial cheating, or a actual relationship with another woman? Deal breaker most likely. One night stand that is immediately regretted? I'd be willing to try to work through it with counselling, etc. I'd have him move out and earn his way back, though. 


    I really value my marriage and deeply trust DH. I cannot imagine him EVER even thinking about cheating, never mind following through on it... I think I'm more likely to do it than him, actually, and it's not something that I'd ever do. So, if it did somehow happen, I'd know it came from a place of deep confusion or depression or something on his part that was really not normal for him, that he was in a dark place, which is why I'd be willing to give him a second chance. 
    That's how I feel. I would need to get to the root of the problem. What made him do it. And try to fix the problem. Before just saying nope done, get out. If your dating someone it's one thing, but when you built a life and have a family.. I just feel it's worth fighting to save.
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  • I don't think I'd be willing to break up our family and rock my kids' worlds for a one-night stand. There's no way I'd put up with habitual infidelity, but I didn't marry that kind of a man.

    dmartin726rosesandpetals
  • Hav=Fath said:

    My question is why would someone's H be in a position to have a one night stand to begin with? I've never had one but I'd imagine he'd have to be alone in a bar getting drunk? I'm sure this is naive and there are lots of ways it can happen, that's all that comes to mind though.

    I totally understand how an emotional affair can happen, how a long term affair can happen... it is normally gradual and starts in an innocent way. A 1 night stand though? No, I couldn't handle either way.

    For me it wouldn't be so much the physical act of sexual intercourse, but instead what led up to that point. Why he was in such a situation to begin with etc.

    Yeah, I see your point. DH doesn't go out to drink at bars, nor bachelor parties etc. However lots of husbands travel a lot for business... So that would be an opportunity I guess. Being alone in hotels all the time.
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  • It would depend on the situation for me. Serial cheating, or a actual relationship with another woman? Deal breaker most likely. One night stand that is immediately regretted? I'd be willing to try to work through it with counselling, etc. I'd have him move out and earn his way back, though. 

    I really value my marriage and deeply trust DH. I cannot imagine him EVER even thinking about cheating, never mind following through on it... I think I'm more likely to do it than him, actually, and it's not something that I'd ever do. So, if it did somehow happen, I'd know it came from a place of deep confusion or depression or something on his part that was really not normal for him, that he was in a dark place, which is why I'd be willing to give him a second chance. 
    That's how I feel. I would need to get to the root of the problem. What made him do it. And try to fix the problem. Before just saying nope done, get out. If your dating someone it's one thing, but when you built a life and have a family.. I just feel it's worth fighting to save.

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  • Oh bump you are the worst. What I tried to respond is I can't think of a particular problem that would justify cheating and could be permanently fixed. Most relationship troubles stem from job stress, general life stress, etc. Those aren't problems that go away forever. I think if it happened once it could potentially happen again next time life got rough and I wouldn't want to live with that worry.
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  • Mrs.Hizzo said:
    I don't think I'd be willing to break up our family and rock my kids' worlds for a one-night stand. There's no way I'd put up with habitual infidelity, but I didn't marry that kind of a man.
    I feel that it's the cheater who breaks the marriage and rocks the worlds in this situation. It's the spouse who gets to decide to be a doormat or not. There's is no way I could get past it. Thankfully all hypothetical here too. Ick. 


    See, but I could. Get past it, I mean. At least under certain circumstances.

    joyfullyfoundrosesandpetals
  • amy052006 said:
    I am convinced when most people say it's a deal breaker, it's because they aren't open to the possibility it could happen to them.
    Agreed, because that was me.
    I also said "My dh would NEVER EVER EVER cheat. He's not that type of guy. It just wouldn't happen..." ... yeah, well.  All women and wives say that, no one ever expects that to happen. That's why I said it was a deal breaker for me. I never expected that to happen.
    Shit happens.  And sometimes when shit happens, it actually works out to be much better in the end :)
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  • Spin313Spin313
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    I've been with DH for ten years and we have two kids. In theory, I'd like to say "deal breaker, absolutely," but I don't think it's that cut and dry. I don't believe DH would cheat, but I guess I'd have to be in that situation to know for sure what I'd do.

    ETA: I might be able to forgive, but I imagine the trust issues and fear that it could happen again would be the hardest to overcome.
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  • Either way I think it would be very difficult to forgive and stay. It would take HUGE amounts of counseling and effort from DH. More than 1 and I could tell you I would walk out without a thought.
    I have a friend that her DH has
    cheated on her multiple times. Both
    one night stands (even with high end prostitutes) and full out relationships. He cheated while she was pregnant and while she was dealing with major health issues. She stays bc he provides her with a nice life and she says she doesn't want her kids to be from a broken home. This breaks my heart for her and her kids. She has a teenage daughter and it is giving her such a jacked up view of marriage. Sometimes it's better to be from a broken home than a home like that.
  • I'm really not sure if it would be a deal breaker for me. I see what we have and what our children have with two loving parents that work as a team, and it's hard to imagine tearing it all apart (no matter who is responsible). All of our lives would derail to a completely different path and I wouldn't want that. Of course, if cheating occurs, then we are probably not in the same place anyway, marriage wise.

    I know I could never trust him again. I'm pretty sure that, if we stayed together, I would feel I have the right to do the same thing at least once. DH and I have dealt with trust issues before and come out together (nothing to do with women, or men). This is so big though.

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  • Hav=Fath said:
    Chapter79 said:
    amy052006 said:
    I am convinced when most people say it's a deal breaker, it's because they aren't open to the possibility it could happen to them.
    Agreed, because that was me.
    I also said "My dh would NEVER EVER EVER cheat. He's not that type of guy. It just wouldn't happen..." ... yeah, well.  All women and wives say that, no one ever expects that to happen. That's why I said it was a deal breaker for me. I never expected that to happen.
    Shit happens.  And sometimes when shit happens, it actually works out to be much better in the end :)
    I was totally with you until you said "it actually works out to be much better in the end"... I don't buy that.
    .. meaning my marriage is stronger than it was before it happened. I'm not saying I'm HAPPY it happened.  I'm saying my marriage is in a better place as a result.  We worked through a bunch of things, got to the root of the problem and things are MUCH better than pre-cheating.
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  • Its a dealbreaker for me because I feel like I could not forgive and forget. I also think there's something wrong if you think your spouse has it in them to cheat.
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  • KC_13 said:
    Its a dealbreaker for me because I feel like I could not forgive and forget. I also think there's something wrong if you think your spouse has it in them to cheat.
    It's also a little naive to think they can't :)  That can go both ways.  Feeling they have it IN them to cheat is not something anyone said, I don't think. I don't think anyone should feel that.  Saying with no doubt that your husband would never cheat, hands, down, 100%.. can be naive thinking.  Because all women think that.  Until it happens.   Hopefully it never does. It's NOT a fun place to be.
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  • Cheating isn't automatic divorce for me. I think it would,have to depend on who he cheated with, what the circumstances are, etc. I feel like I owe it to myself, my husband and our kids to ate an attempt to work through it. If in the end we can't move past it then I'd do whatever was bet for all of us even if it's divorce

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  • I feel like you do, there is a lot more to a marriage than sex and one mistake wouldn't ruin it for me. Sometimes sex is just sex,.it's not always an emotional attachment. I would be willing to work on it and not just walk out the doorm. Dh feels like your dh and says the trust would be gone and it wouldn't be repairable. He says he would end the marriage immediately. People obviously have their own boundaries but I "get" what you're saying.
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  • Mrs.Hizzo said:

    I don't think I'd be willing to break up our family and rock my kids' worlds for a one-night stand. There's no way I'd put up with habitual infidelity, but I didn't marry that kind of a man.

    I feel that it's the cheater who breaks the marriage and rocks the worlds in this situation. It's the spouse who gets to decide to be a doormat or not. There's is no way I could get past it. Thankfully all hypothetical here too. Ick. 




    I think it's pretty harsh to call someone who forgives a cheating spouse, even once, a doormat. That seems like victim blaming to me.
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  • The thought of kissing & touching someone in a sexual manner & making love/a quickie is a big deal. So to know DH did that with someone one would be pretty damn hard to forget. The act of flirting then kissing then foreplay then sex then cuddling afterwards. I don't know. It would be a game changer.  Even if it was just a quickie in a bar bathroom. I'd be devastated. 

    We all have our day to day issues. Stressors. Things that make us want to scream. So for a woman to say, oh he was stressed & slept with a coworker or our marriage is in trouble& he was scared so he had an affair with our neighbor. Sorry folks. Don't buy it. There are so many other outlets for people. Excuse my language but sticking your dick in some other woman isn't going to fix anything. 
  • There's no way I would stay married to a cheater. The trust would be gone forever. Every time he left my sight I would wonder if he was really where he said he was. 
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  • I feel like you do, there is a lot more to a marriage than sex and one mistake wouldn't ruin it for me. Sometimes sex is just sex,.it's not always an emotional attachment. I would be willing to work on it and not just walk out the doorm. Dh feels like your dh and says the trust would be gone and it wouldn't be repairable. He says he would end the marriage immediately. People obviously have their own boundaries but I "get" what you're saying.

    Agreed. I feel like sex can be just sex. With no emotional attachment. And sex is just one part of a marriage. We worked to build so much more I can't imagine a lapse of judgement ruining that forever.
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  • Everyone has it in them to cheat, or almost everyone. Bring on all the right or wrong circumstances and it could happen. I have a hard time believing that just the idea of cheating has never crossed you or your husbands minds. You've NEVER imagined what it would be like to kiss someone else? I have no plan on ever acting on it but of course the fleeting thought has crossed my mind. I get nervous for people who are so convinced their spouse would never cheat. I have an awesome husband. I don't worry about him cheating and I totally trust him, but it's foolish to say I KNOW it will never happen.
    Ita. It could happen to anyone and I really think people do themselves a disservice by not admitting there is even a faint possibility. Like he could get away with it for months because a woman doesn't think it could ever happen.
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  • Hav=Fath said:
    My question is why would someone's H be in a position to have a one night stand to begin with? I've never had one but I'd imagine he'd have to be alone in a bar getting drunk? I'm sure this is naive and there are lots of ways it can happen, that's all that comes to mind though.

    I totally understand how an emotional affair can happen, how a long term affair can happen... it is normally gradual and starts in an innocent way. A 1 night stand though? No, I couldn't handle either way.

    For me it wouldn't be so much the physical act of sexual intercourse, but instead what led up to that point. Why he was in such a situation to begin with etc.
    My father was a habitual cheater. He traveled constantly for work and would hook up with women while traveling. He had specific women in some cities he visited routinely (he was a financial journalist, a job that took him all over the world constantly).

    The cheating itself wasn't what broke up my parents marriage, it was many other things. Cheating was a symptom of a respect issue.
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  • I know a couple who had huge communication issues. H was strong willed and expected w to go along with what he wanted. I'm talking huge decisions- moving across the country, going from a probation officer to a cop, lifestyle changing decisions. Should she have insisted they talk or seek counseling? Of course! But she didn't. She was struggling with being a SAHM and being alone in another part of the country without many friends or much support. He didn't want to hear about how hard it was because she had what she wanted. She cheated... They were going to a get a divorce, she had moved out and then they decided to try to fix things. Even from the outside of their marriage I can see things are better. They treat each other better. It definitely made me rethink my position of it being a deal breaker. Their marriage needed a catalyst for change.
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  • Of course anyone could cheat. But it says a lot about someone.
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  • I had a well thought out response but the bump ate it. Damn you today bump! But yes, the fact that I'm a paranoid nutbag means that all the counseling in the world could convince me that my dh could cheat once and never cheat again. I also can say with great certainty I would never cheat. In the past 13 years of adulthood I've been in a serious relationship for all of it outside of a year and a half between relationships. Ive fantasized about attractive men, I've flirted but the idea of actually going through with cheating would never happen and has never even been thought of as possibility no matter how rocky my relationship has been.
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  • I feel like I would be just as devastated w/ a one night stand as w/ a long, emotional affair. Both reveal such a lack of integrity and I feel like not only would my trust be broken, but that I'd lose so much respect for DH.

    I'm also team feel-like-it-would-be-a-dealbreaker-but-it's-never-happened-to-me-so-I-don't-know-for-sure. I have lots of admiration for those spouses that can forgive and I do believe that anything is possible with a lot of work and if the cheating spouse has a real change of heart. I'm sure it's a long painful journey, though. Then again, it also takes strength to realize that you're in a toxic situation and be able to make the drastic life change that's ultimately best for your family. I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer.
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  • Hav=Fath said:
    I was totally with you until you said "it actually works out to be much better in the end"... I don't buy that.
    I don't know how I feel about everything. 

    But there is a couple I know (older than us...youngest is in HS). They have what I would consider a very strong marriage. We look up to this couple individually and as role models of a good relationship. Anyway, once upon a time I learned there is infidelity in their past. 

    Before that I would have a been and  "it's a deal breaker" person. But now, knowing and seeing how this amazing couple has worked through things, makes me a little more able to see the other side.


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  • I am convinced when most people say it's a deal breaker, it's because they aren't open to the possibility it could happen to them. And of course you can work through life stressors, KC. No one has to be miserable forever -- things are fluid, and I would think most people would want to make changes or at the very least learn better coping strategies.
    Well, for me personally I don't think it could happen, because we would get a divorce if we were to that point, after trying to work it out with therapy of course. We talked about all of this while dating. I don't think we could never be that unhappy or have problems, but I know DH wouldn't cheat.
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  • My DH has also said he would walk out if I cheated. No counselling, nothing. He would get a lawyer and never speak to me again. He too is pretty dramatic lol. I honestly don't know what I would do.
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  • Oh I would be pissed and there would definitely be consequences.  Divorce? It depends on the situation. 

    A long emotional affair would end up in divorce, I would never be able to forgive him and I will never trust him so what kind if relationship would that be?

    Give me a STD= Divorce. 

    One night stand, he was honest about it and really sorry...probably a short seperation until my head is clear and maybe counseling. 
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  • If you look at statistics studies say at the low end 30 percent and some studies say as high as 60 percent of married people cheat. So truthfully, at least a few people on here are cheating and their spouses are or have.
    I get the appeal. I have come close. I had a coworker I worked long hours with. My DH was working nights. We never saw each other. After months of confiding in each other my coworker came up to me and basically told me he had booked a nice hotel and wanted us to go right then. I was tempted. But thankfully I ran, literally ran to my car and drove home lol! I had to quit my job. I couldn't see him everyday. Because he was great. A good guy I really liked a lot. I loved my husband but I did have a connection to this guy. It happens.
    Oh and I found a study that says 2 to 3 percent of all children are being raised by men who think they are the father but are not. How crazy is that lol? 
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  • This is something that you have to experience to know how you would react.  I was with my ex-h for 10 years.  He was my high school sweetheart, and very close.  I always said if he cheated I'd be out the door in a second.  Well, he did cheat and I walked in on it.  
    1.  I had PTSD from the experience.
    2. I was completely and utterly surprised as I felt our relationship was stronger than ever.  I probably loved him more at that point in our relationship than ever.
    3. I didn't leave him for a year after the fact.  Partially because I was still in love with him.  It took me about a year to fall out of love with him.  I was depressed, and couldn't imagine life without him.  He was in love with the girl and I had to watch him mourn her loss.  
    4. Finally I left, but for about 6 months we'd still hang out occasionally.  It was a really dark time for me.
    5. Two years after the affair, I was finally 75% happy.  I was still drinking a lot, but I finally out doing things like taking walks with my dog and moving on.
    6.  My life has forever changed.  Now I am remarried and have a beautiful son.  I've got some new trust issues in this relationship, but I think I keep them under control.  My husband is a great guy, but I know now to never ever say "he'd never cheat".  

  • To me this is as big a trust issue as it is a character issue. I might be able to trust again but the knowledge that the person who I consider my best friend and love most in this world has major character issues would be difficult for me to overcome. Of course I don't think DH would cheat I would never have married him if I did. His integrity was just as important to me as what he looks like and how he treats others.
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