What are you planning to do/not do specifically to avoid the mistakes you feel your parents made?

christinemurray91 · January 2014

Just as the title says

With our first, DH and I talked about our parenting style a lot, and we actually managed to follow through on a lot of them, and I'm happy we did.

We decided

1) to have small family, because I grew up with 6 siblings and didn't get attention unless I was acting out

2) have me stay at home as long as possible because DHs family was so career focused he rarely saw his parents

3) take a more attachment parenting role because my family was very rigid and religious and I rebelled like crazy when I was older

4) talk openly about sex and tough subjects... neither of us had the sex talk or felt comfortable talking to our parents about anything.

I'd love to hear your plans

lellymine · January 2014

My mom was/is scared of everything and everyone and it rubbed off onto me. Even still I have to fight it so I'm going to try my hardest to teach my kids that not everyone is out to hurt you.

DH's family is full of wackos. We both hate how they all parent so we'll be doing the exact opposite of everything they do.

pcourtade · January 2014

I plan on not being overly emotional and not have a superior attitude like my mom.

I also want to be more open. I was embarsessed or scared to ask my mom certain things. I want my children to know that they can talk to me about absolutely everything, even when if they know they did something bad. I want them to know that I won't freak out. If I had had that growing up, it would have made some things a lot easier.

jshrop · January 2014

Oooohhh... Land mine convo.

Okay, I won't be a drunk, or a co-dependent ass who can't stand up to the drunk.

I will be way more active in my kid's life. As in, encouraging them in school, having them participate in activities after school, fostering a sense of independence and encouraging them to succeed.

My mom worked all the time and my dad had his own stool at the local dive bar so I basically raised my sisters. There's a lot that I will be making sure my little girl gets to do that I never had the chance to do.

As for hubs, he'll be home a lot more than his dad was. His dad traveled for work so he's intent to make sure he's present.

k318 · January 2014

I am trying not to project my fears and anxieties on to my kids as was done to me, making me anxious as I grew up and scared to do many things. I didn't ride a roller coaster until I was in my mid teens. Seriously. It was like that.

Dh is trying to spend quality time with them and share hobbies with them which I think is super sweet. He didn't get as much father son time with his dad and now that he has passed, he is making it an important point to have the kids spend time with him doing fun things like fishing and sports.

christinemurray91 · January 2014

I thought of 5)

My mom was very judgemental and would tell everyone everything about you, if you were going Through something, the whole family knew, if you messed up, the whole family knew... or she would make jokes about the mistakes you made so you would be so friggen ashamed. Ugh.

It was embarrassing and I still don't tell her personal things to this day.. because she still tells everyone everything.

So, I'm planning to protect the trust my kids have in me and respect their privacy and right to have personal problems, lol.

katekat8721 · January 2014

My parents were actually really awesome. They did miss a lot of stuff when we were growing up while they were opening their own business though. One thing that is very important to me is that DH and I don't work ourselves to death when the kids are young and miss out on important things.

I do hope that I can have the patience and good-nature that my mom did. She could take the crappiest situation or the worse fight between siblings and make it all better. She is a good mama. My dad spoiled us rotten and did a lot of fun things with us girls growing up, like taking us to Britney Spears concerts and letting us play makeover on him. I hope we turn out to be half as good parents as they were!

My MIL is pretty cool, she's a hard worker and a good mama to her boys. She never, ever speaks a negative word (which sometimes drives me absolutely crazy). But she does have the habit of calling one son to talk about the other son. We'd like to not do that and just focus our attention on the one that we're actually speaking with at that time. My FIL is crazy mean drunk, so naturally there's lots of things we'll be doing differently than him

austinlyns · January 2014

I want to be a team with my husband. My parents weren't on the same page as each other with most things. My mom would say I could do something, then my dad would put his foot down and say absolutely not, then my mom would try to help me think of ways to manipulate him to change his mind. It was exhausting and I never really had consequences for bad behavior because it just ended with them fighting about how to discipline me and then they wouldn't speak to each other for days.

Their marriage issues caused me a lot of anxiety as a kid because they were mean and sarcastic and condesceding with each other, so our house always felt so tense. I want my kids to see us as a team and see that we love each other. I strive to speak kindly and respectfully to my husband and to discuss issues in private rather than in front of the kids.

CrysW08 · January 2014

I want to encourage my kids to have friends. My mom never wanted to be bothered with letting me have friends over or with taking me to my friends houses and because of that I never really had close friends and to this day, I can't seem to make/keep friends. I think I never learned how.

diagonalley · January 2014

I plan on paying more attention to my children's schooling. My parents both worked full time and I don't feel they really paid attention to what homework we had or made sure we were doing what we needed to succeed in school and both my brother and I did not have very good grades (and not because we weren't capable, I went on to excel in college and grad school making dean's list and my brother was identified as gifted). I totally regret not doing better in grade school, but I guess in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't make a difference to my life now whether or not I did well, but that's because I figured it out for myself. My brother, however, has a very different lifestyle than me and I feel like if he had been made to be more responsible his life now might be different.

bebemac · January 2014

Good thread idea! I think this sums it up for me:

"In bringing up children, spend on them half as much money and twice as much time."

JNerd · January 2014

This is a huge can of worms for me to even think about.

Money is a big one - not just having more than I had growing up, but teaching responsibility, being honest about things, and teaching money mgt skills. Also, encouraging LOs to save their own money for things they want.

Find appropriate coping mechanisms. Learning to talk constructively. Escapism is not always the answer. And neither is bottling things up until you burst.

Really strong hygiene habits, including hygiene for your personal space. My mom never was big on keeping things clean, and never taught us good habits. I've had to learn how to keep a clean house and it isn't easy nor does it come naturally.

Be more encouraging, including encouraging interests in sports, music, art, and literature.

Teach them not to judge, and that gossiping is a way of judging.

And be there for them when they are older, not just younger. My mom was a SAHM until I was in gr 4, but due to a bunch of things, she wasn't around at all when I was in high school. That is really when I went off the rails and she didn't even know because she wasn't there.

k2k2tog · January 2014

I don't have much. My parents were awesome, and I think they did a great job raising me and my siblings.

That said, now that I'm older, I've realized how critical my mom is of other people. She always has been; I was just never aware of it when I was a kid, but I think it has rubbed off on me. I'd like my kids to be looking for the best in people, not the worst.

On DH's side... his mom is a major worrier. He isn't, but her worrying nature has made me realize that I'm a bit of a worrier myself. I want my kids to have a carefree childhood, without their mom worrying over them all the time. Easier said than done, I think.

bebemac · January 2014

@JNerd Lots of good stuff there!

LaurelJoy91 · January 2014

I plan on being open minded and accepting of other ways of life around my children, and I hope that they will feel comfortable talking to me about their opinions. My father is very religious and basically tried to force his views on myself and my siblings all throughout our childhood. His way was the right way, no questions asked. Out of his 4 children, 3 are now atheists and one of those three is gay and will soon be married to another man (without our father's blessing). None of us have felt comfortable with the idea of expressing our current views to him. For the record, other than being strict about religion, he and my mother did a fabulous job raising all 4 of us, in terms of methods of discipline, showing us that we were loved, etc.

I also would like to try to be more active while raising my children. I am the youngest, and my parents were in their 40s by the time I was born. I feel like by that point in time, they were getting a bit older and already worn out from chasing the other three around, and there are a lot of experiences that I think I missed out on. They never got me involved in sports (or if they tried, they started making excuses to not take me to practice after the first few sessions) and they also didn't take us out on many excursions as a family. The trips that we did take gave me great memories, but I wish I had more of them. I feel like if I had seen my parents being active instead of sedentary, I might have learned from their example and not been so lazy growing up (and now).

caitb413 · January 2014

Everything PPs have mentioned is so important to DH and me. That said, I would love to have good, open communication with my children. My mother and I have never been very close because we are opposites (she's very extroverted, I'm very introverted), and she never really made an effort to understand me or communicate with me in a way that wasn't belittling. I was always afraid to talk to her about the things going on in my life- for example, when I got my period for the first time, I EMAILED her to tell her what had happened and that I didn't know what to do. I'm still embarrassed by that.

wtfisup · January 2014

No violence, yelling, threats.

Take interest in my kid's interests. Talk about them.

Create a home where my child knows she's infinitely loved and can come to us with anything.

EmbracingChange · January 2014

Babywear said:

trigger warning

I had a shitty childhood as my sister and I were neglected and sexually abused from 18months to 14 by men in my step family (dad's side)... I've had counseling and I'm OK now... but obviously there are things that I will do to ensure my child is safe.

1. I will stand up for any child without hesitation or regret, if a child can't support itself I will support it. I've always voiced my concerns as far as nieces and nephews are concerned - I will ask when there is suspicious behavior and I will ask questions to ensure kids are being trained on personal safety. I will step in.

2. I will teach my children about tricky people and who to talk to...

3. I will listen to my children (I can't tell you how many times we were ignored, even after police and Department of Childrens Welfare were involved). I will listen when they say all they ate all week was beans, I will find out why the sight of spinach has 2 little girls dry reaching.

4. I will act in the best interests of children and get help when it's needed.

5. I will parent my children forever. My mother stopped parenting at 15 with each of us, including providing a home and financial assistance. Unfortunately, because of what was happening with us on dad's side it increased our 'risk'. But in any case this is NOT OK. We aren't friends.

My in-laws are amazing and I will be listening to them anytime advice is needed, or offered.

This...... Most of it.

Also, I will take responsibility for my own actions and decisions. I will teach my children to do the same.

And I'll do my best not to get addicted to drugs. I'm 28 years sober so I think I'm doing OK.

bebemac · January 2014

@caitb413 I never told my mom when I got my period. Not even to this day. I was an office assistant in middle school and would fill my backpack up with pads from the nurse's sick room. In high school, the bathroom in the mall across from the high school had a faulty tampon dispenser and they would come flying out without having to put a quarter in. I would fill my backpack up there, too. Then when I started getting cash for lunch money I would save it to buy tampons that I would hide in my room. I was careful with the trash, too. I always took the wrappers out to the garbage in the garage so as to not be "discovered", as if having a period were a bad thing. Looking back, that's all pretty pathetic and sad.

caitb413 · January 2014

@bebemac Man, I totally get it. If I'd had access to feminine hygiene products the way you did, I'd probably have never told my mom, too!

kbellizio3 · January 2014

My parents were awesome. My mom rarely yelled (but she was an expert on that "I'm disappointed in you" talk which is 10x worse than being yelled at IMO), and my dad was always home for dinner and my parents made us all eat together. Once dad got home my sister and I would run to the table, because family time was important, even after my dad had to get a different job with different hours he spent time with us. They were very fair with their discipline (took me a while to realize that) and when my sister and I were old enough we were expected to get jobs and take more responsibility. We were also never handed anything. If we wanted something we had to earn it or save up for it. My parents were also extremely supportive of our extra curricular activities. I remember one time my dad asking me if it was ok if he wasn't at one marching band competition, but if I wanted him there he'd change his plans. I told him it was fine, that was the only band show he missed in all 4 years.

That being said, I will change one thing. Sex was an off the table discussion. No sex before marriage and that was it. I want my children to be comfortable asking me questions about sex and "new feelings" etc. I know my mom would've talked to me but I didn't want to feel judged. And I don't want my kids to feel that way.

I'm not even going to touch DHs side of the family.

colllydon · January 2014

My parents were great. My dad was injured when I was little and my mom had to go back to school and work a lot to take care if us. Back then when I was little all I noticed is that she was never around, so I will try to be a little more present. DH's parent use to be awesome. They volunteered for everything, they were the heads of the booster club, DH and his sisters were in year round sports and they attended everything. Now MIL is bipolar and FIL is a raging diabetic, neither takes very good care of themselves and didn't save for their future so they are living off everyone else. I guess I will try to be a combination of both sides and just try to take the good.

jacksoha · January 2014

My parents were awesome! My mom stayed at home and my dad was at home by 5 every evening. As a result we are incredibly close and I definitely treasure my relationship with my parents over having missed out on brand new clothes all the time or extras that we went without.
That being said my parents marriage struggled at times. Both of their parents have a rough marriage so they were doing the best they could.
I'd like to be a better example to my kids how to have a happier marriage.
Also my dad could be pretty strict and said NO without giving any reasons why. I would like to talk to my kids about why I won't let them do something or why something isn't okay.
My DH was raised by a single mom so all he has to do is be present and he will be doing better than his dad. His mom raised him to be scared of everything and this is something we would like to change with our kids. Also she raised him with a lot of pride in their race (which is awesome) but she took it to the extreme of making my DH feel guilty when he wasn't acting "black" enough. As our kids will be mixed we want to help them be proud of who they are but also let them be who they are without forcing our ideas on them.

MrsP419 · January 2014

My parents were very loving and my mom was always there for us. I am grateful for them and know that I was blessed to be raised by them. The biggest thing I want to take from them is being really supportive of extracurriculars and interests. My parents always were at games, concerts, shows, etc.

There were a lot of little things I would love to improve on…

-my dad was a yeller. I can already see myself naturally going there, and I am trying my hardest not to.

-No one in my family ever admitted they were wrong or asked forgiveness of each other for the longest time (this has gotten better). My DH and I try to ask forgiveness of our toddlers if we think we handle something wrong.

-They did not seem to prioritize their own marriage enough, and we had to worry a lot if they loved each other sometimes. I really try to let my kids see that DH and I work on our marriage, but it is hard.

-My mom is incredibly organized and a wonderful housewife. But she did not make us do anything. As a result, I went into marriage not knowing how to keep up with my house, and it is still a daily struggle. I want to learn to be like her, but teach my kids to do it, too. This is already hard because it is often easy to just do it yourself.

-They did not talk about sex, depression, struggling with body image, etc. I had a lot of guilt issues with dating (though I did save sex for marriage by my own choice- I learned everything about it from friends), and they did not always handle my eating disorder and depression well.

-This may be something you guys disagree with, but our faith is extremely important to DH and I, and while I don't want to "force" it on our children, I want it to be something regularly talked about and practiced. My greatest joy would be if my children wanted to know Jesus. I want to educate them of course on what others believe, but be intentional on teaching what we believe and be very open with discussing it.

LaurelJoy91 · January 2014

kbellizio3 said:

My parents were awesome. My mom rarely yelled (but she was an expert on that "I'm disappointed in you" talk which is 10x worse than being yelled at IMO), and my dad was always home for dinner and my parents made us all eat together. Once dad got home my sister and I would run to the table, because family time was important, even after my dad had to get a different job with different hours he spent time with us. They were very fair with their discipline (took me a while to realize that) and when my sister and I were old enough we were expected to get jobs and take more responsibility. We were also never handed anything. If we wanted something we had to earn it or save up for it. My parents were also extremely supportive of our extra curricular activities. I remember one time my dad asking me if it was ok if he wasn't at one marching band competition, but if I wanted him there he'd change his plans. I told him it was fine, that was the only band show he missed in all 4 years. That being said, I will change one thing. Sex was an off the table discussion. No sex before marriage and that was it. I want my children to be comfortable asking me questions about sex and "new feelings" etc. I know my mom would've talked to me but I didn't want to feel judged. And I don't want my kids to feel that way. I'm not even going to touch DHs side of the family.

That feeling you get after being told you've disappointed your parents... I can't think of any punishment more effective than that. Also, I want to add your whole section about sex to my previous answer.

arekeweg · January 2014

I loved how my parents raise us and like some of the PPs, the only thing I wish they discussed more was sex. It was a no sex before marriage rule and you're in big trouble if it happens. Otherwise, since I wasn't afraid to ask 'scary' questions, I got all other topics covered.

My ILs though...there are things if change. MIL never had DH or FIL help cook or clean a thing. After a meal they all just scatter and she's left with it all to herself. I will not tolerate this. DH needs to help as does all family members, yes that includes boys! They are overbearing and don't allow independance. I'm very independent and am so grateful my parents knew when to be there and when to let me learn. ILs have to know everything and think they are part of our decisions.

I could go on and on but I'm going to stop before my blood pressure rises too much!

tddampf · January 2014

My husband has amazing parents so a lot will be modeling after them. I really can't say my childhood was bad either but one thing we have talked about doing much differently than my parents is to openly show affection to one another in front of our children and not talk down to each other, especially in their presence. I never remember my parents hugging or showing affection until my dad was deployed to Iraq when I was 17 and I think it is important show your kids that you love each other and have a healthy relationship.

Pepper6 · January 2014

Both H and I actually had pretty great parents and we agree with a lot of how they raised us. We'll probably do small things differently obviously, but the major stuff will be the same.

mschware · January 2014

I will NOT ground my child for long periods of doing over little things. It doesnt teach them anything except to hate their parents and sneak around. Idk why my parents thought having me be "grounded" 75% of my teen years would benefit me at all cause it sure didn't!
DH was adopted at 6 with all his siblings but his adopted parents got divorced shortly after and never saw the kids because all they did was work... And it really affected him growing up. So we decided I'm going to work part time and be really involved in our kids life..
Example: letting them try different sports, or if they want to homeschool, learn all different religions if they want, talk to them openly about relationships and their future.
I know it's easier said than done, but we both had really wished our parents did this for us.

christinemurray91 · January 2014

mschware said:

I will NOT ground my child for long periods of doing over little things. It doesnt teach them anything except to hate their parents and sneak around. Idk why my parents thought having me be "grounded" 75% of my teen years would benefit me at all cause it sure didn't! DH was adopted at 6 with all his siblings but his adopted parents got divorced shortly after and never saw the kids because all they did was work... And it really affected him growing up. So we decided I'm going to work part time and be really involved in our kids life.. Example: letting them try different sports, or if they want to homeschool, learn all different religions if they want, talk to them openly about relationships and their future. I know it's easier said than done, but we both had really wished our parents did this for us.

Very good points, lol, I feel like I wrote this!

I distinctly remember being grounded for a year straight with a day or two not grounded in between groundings... I never got a reason other than me having a 'bad attitude'.

We're also letting our kids enjoy different sports (something we never got to do), teaching them about different religions (we're atheist and will let them decide if they want to believe something when they're older).

bumpuser9343355 · January 2014

DH's parents are pretty awesome, so we will do a lot of the same things they did, I'm sure. My mom was amazing, but my dad was emotionally and mentally abusive and as such, I have not talked to him in well over ten years. My DH is going to be an amazing parent (especially since he had such great examples) so that is one thing my kids will have that I didn't.

I want to be more involved in my kids' education than my mom was in mine. It's not that she didn't care, she was just a busy single mom raising three kids and working full time so she didn't have the time for a lot of input. Also, since she didn't go to college, she had a hard time helping us out when it came time to looks for schools and apply and all that.

I would like to stay home as much as possible too. My mom always worked full time and I would have loved to have had her around more (though she did an awesome job making sure she was always at our events).

babygabe614 · January 2014

I will not be as judgemental of my child and others the way my mother is/was. I always felt so under the microscope and have become very paranoid, insecure and inflexible because of it. My mom is also a huge martyr which isn't necessarily a reflection of her parenting but a trait I don't want to reflect, especially toward my child.

We'll do everything the opposite of DH's parents. They are just awful, abusive, manipulative people who do not deserve the beautiful children they were blessed with.

LadyMacaron · January 2014

Things I will do differently:

1. Never lay a finger on my child, scream at them, or insult them. I would never want my child to feel confused as to if they were loved or not. I want to build their self esteem, discipline fairly and with love, and never make them feel small or insignificant.

2. I will be really involved in their school and be proactive about encouraging them to go to college. I will do my best to pay for their education, so that isn't an excuse for them to not go.

3. I will never use food as punishment/reward. And I will have them develop a healthy relationship with food and their body. My mother had a lot body issues that I would never inflict on a kid.

Then there are things my mother miraculously did right that I will do too.

4. I will teach my child to value every single person. Bullying, judging or making fun of people will not be acceptable. Standing up for something that is wrong is always the right choice.

5. I will be very open and honest about "grown up" things, like sex. I want to always be someone they can talk to, no matter what the topic.

6. I will play with them and have fun. My mother was such a fun parent when she wanted to be. She built me dollhouses, would play in the rain...I want to be an active parent.

7. I will expose them to a broad range of experiences. Be it traveling, trying different sports, or teaching them about different cultures/religions.

8. I will raise my son to be a feminist. To value women as people, and to treat them as such. I really want to raise a good man that will contribute to this planet in a good way.

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What are you planning to do/not do specifically to avoid the mistakes you feel your parents made?

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