Counseling???

svancura1 · January 2014

Has anyone gone to a grief counselor after their loss? My husband suggested it this morning when he told me he thought I was getting worse. I took offense at first. It’s normal to grieve after something like this. We had a living baby that died and it takes time! But now I’m starting to wonder. I’ve only had one loss in November and it was our first pregnancy. With so many others struggling with multiple losses I feel selfish for being so broken over one loss. I have my good days and bad but with all of the recent pg announcements that have literally left me being the only one without children or pg I have a lot more bad days. We were able to start trying again this cycle but with my stupid low temps I know we didn’t get lucky this time. I even fear I have low prog. which will cause more issues. It’s heart breaking and I’ve felt myself struggling to focus on anything else. I feel mentally and physically exhausted and just wish I could relax. I feel like I just need time and I am really trying. But maybe in a sense he’s right and some counseling could help????

Frenchteachermama · January 2014

@svancura1 I haven't but I should have and am looking to see one now. My miscarriage was at the beginning of August but I also had to have a D&C at the end of September so it was a very drawn out miscarriage for me. I still (4 months later) cross over to the dark side (that is what I have come to call it). I get super depressed and angry, I eat a lot and drink a lot and am just basically completely unhealthy. And then a week later I'll snap out of it and realize that I should be seeing someone. IMO it can't hurt. ((HUGS))

PinkCamino · January 2014

Seeing a therapist or counselor is never a bad idea. Please don't think even for one minute that because you've had 1 loss you are not entitled to grieve the same way a multiple loss mom does. A loss is a loss and they are horrible and heartbreaking.

I saw a therapist often after my 1st loss and it did help to know that my feelings were normal parts of the grief process. It also validated me in the sense that it gave me permission to feel angry, sad and resentful towards other pregnancies. The most valuable thing I learned from my time in therapy is that we all grieve at a different pace, we all grieve in different ways and there truly is not right or wrong way to do it. It was very nice and quite liberating to speak to someone face to face and break down if I need to.

Best of luck!

LizBlue · January 2014

I started seeing one a few months ago when the sad just felt "too sad." I wound up not really clicking with her, but even the few times I went was so beneficial. My next job is to try a new person and keep trying until we click. It was really helpful to have a dedicated objective space to talk, cry, think and feel about my infertility and my loss.

Good luck svancura1!

uneek1323 · January 2014

What you are feeling is not uncommon and there is no reason why you shouldn't seek help if you want to/need to. I avoided therapy for so long and it was a mistake. I've been in therapy for over a year now and it has saved my life. I'm not one who speaks dramatically, and I hate the word literally, so understand that I'm being 100% honest about this.

luciddreamer106 · January 2014

Please don't think that because you've had one loss that you aren't allowed to grieve as much as anybody else with more losses.

I didn't see a therapist, but looking back , I wish I had. I'm doing much better now, but I think it would have helped to see one early on.

Drgn30 · January 2014

I think counseling is always a good idea. I've been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now, so she was there during the pregnancy and the loss. Now she's here for me during my infertility diagnosis. Even if I don't feel like crying in front of her or discussing my sadness, it's nice to know someone is 100% on my team no matter what happens. I just need a safe place to be validated about all aspects of my life - work, family, marriage, the quest to be a parent. I didn't get a lot of pats on the back as a kid, so it's all very foreign to me. I learned that I am extremely hard on myself - even through the loss.

((hugs)) I hope you find someone you like and can trust

rox825 · January 2014

I started counseling after our MC, it was something that I had planned to do if our last cycle hadn't worked because of the stress of IF, so after the MC it was definitely necessary. I can't say how much therapy vs time has helped me to deal with things though. If nothing else, it gives me a place/person who I can talk to for a solid hour about IF, loss, sadness, anger, whatever else I'm feeling, so that I don't always have to unload that on H. Time definitely helps things but if you don't feel like you're recovering at the rate you would like, it can't hurt to give it a try?

BluEyedGirl26 · January 2014

If you've considered going, I think you should try it. I considered it after my loss in May and never went. 8 months later, there are still days when I contemplate making an appointment. Good luck. (((Hugs)))

E&B0811 · January 2014

I started seeing someone after my third loss. To echo the other ladies, counseling is never a bad idea and, for me, like @pinkcamino said, it has helped to validate my grief and grief process.

svancura1 · January 2014

Thanks ladies for your thoughts and advice. I do notice I have really started to unload my frustrations and sadness onto H. I even lashed out at him for not appearing to be sad like I was. I felt awful and apologized later. I suppose it can't hurt to see someone. I try talking to my mother but she pushes it off and tells me to stop stressing and relax. That my body will get pregnant when it’s ready and that people cause more damage by stressing out and TTC than just relaxing and enjoying sex. It hurts and I try to tell her that it’s easy coming from someone who never struggled in her life with this. When she wanted my brother and I, she got us on the first try. H tries his best to be comforting but I know isn’t quite sure what to do with me. And I can’t talk to most others b/c they are KU and I feel like I’m ruining it for them.

Jessy336 · January 2014

I have not seen a counseler, but I have also been considering it. I don't think that thearapy is a bad idea. My sister had suggested it to me the day we found out we were having a m/c. I think then it was a bit too raw to even think about. I know that counseling had helped her a lot after her losses. She still sees a thearapist every other week.

As for what PPs have stated, do not feel guilty for your grief! You are entitled to your grief, and should not compare it to anyone else.

I hope that you find someone you can talk to and trust. (((Hugs)))

rmpar29 · January 2014

I went to see a therapist after my loss. It was very beneficial to be able to talk through my feelings and hear that everything I was feeling was normal. If you are feeling like you are going down a dark road then seeing someone is a good idea.

Danielle0311 · January 2014

I don't think there is anything negative to be said about seeing a counselor. I started seeing one a few weeks ago as honestly I am feeling a little better each week. It can't hurt in my opinion and if its not for you, you can just stop going. Give it a try , good luck

mara005 · January 2014

I started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago, it has been very helpful. I knew it was ok to grieve but I felt bad unloading on family and friends, it's great to have someone who will willing sit there and just let me cry, vent or explain what I'm feeling that day.
I see her every other week.

stefuge · January 2014

We have been seeing a grief counselor since about 6 weeks post loss. We go as a couple, and feel like it has been really helpful. MH and I grieve very differently so it helps to have someone who can facilitate and a place where we are intentional about talking about how we are feeling. I agree with PP that if you are thinking about going, you should definitely look into it.

peggels24 · January 2014

I did not go to a counselor for grief counseling but I would highly recommend that you go speak to one if you want to. My thought process has always been...if you wonder, go for it.

((hugs))

svancura1 · January 2014

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and advise. It means a lot

taytaliana · January 2014

Our losses happened awhile ago but I just started seeing a therapist. I think if I had gone to see one sooner, maybe I would be in a better place now. If you don't feel like your support system is enough to see you through your loss, I think it would be a good idea to talk to a professional.

svancura1 · January 2014

Truly thank you ladies. I've had a very tough week and with my cycle still being out of wack I just can't keep it together. I've made an apt to speak with someone who specializes in child loss and fertility issues. again thank you so much for making me feel better about this. Much love.

jenbunSC · January 2014

My husband has suggested the same to me multiple time, mostly after a friend or acquaintance share their news. I never really followed through with it but there were times I defiantly should have. I used my family and friends as my therapists, and now I kind of use this group. I still crash after every announcement but my crashes are much shorter these days. BUT you shouldn't feel selfish at all. Losing a pregnancy is hard and one versus multiple isn't what matters. Take the time to grieve and if you think it might help you to see a counselor you absolutely should. I hope it helps!!!

FitMamaInProgress · January 2014

I've been seeing a therapist since the week after my d&c...

I was doing well- and just recently when we started trying again (and seeing everyone's holiday baby announcements) has had no very very down.

When I has my MMC my ob had me stay home for two weeks!!! One week trying to pass naturally and one week after the d&c. I sat and cried for 14 days... It left me super traumatized and unable to handle ...everything. I was clinically diagnosed with PTSD and now were just trying to work through it.

Counseling is always a good idea.

JCM285 · January 2014

I also have been considering a counselor. I experienced molar pregnancy and miscarriage nearly a year ago and I haven't been lashing out, because I've been keeping it inside. I don't think either way of dealing with it is good and it probably is a good idea to find someone whom you can share your feelings with who doesn't already know you. You might feel as though their advice is more sincere, because they are not judging you in any way. At least that is how I feel. I don't know if I will actually get one because of my schedule, but I wish you good luck in your search! ::HUGS::

Dally101109 · January 2014

I'm in the same boat where I've been thinking about it for a while, but keep putting it off. I've even emailed a local therapist, but didn't end up making an appointment. I really wish I had gone after my first loss because it was the hardest on me. I really think I'm going to schedule an appointment after reading this post. What can it hurt? A lot of my family and friends don't know about what my husband and I are going through, so it would be nice to have someone other than my DH to vent to. Good luck @svancura1 and all of you lovely ladies

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