Old family patterns - what things are you trying to change?

ReeceFamily · January 2014

An irritating interaction with my in-laws and my mother this morning has me thinking about the things I DON'T want to do to DD as she grows up. This is a bit long, but here's my gripe:

We have had a family reunion of sorts planned for DD for her first birthday at the end of the month. While it's a quiet celebration, we really were excited to get everyone together, because in addition to being DD's 1st birthday, DH's 40th birthday is a few days before. I hired and paid for a professional photographer to do family photos. Turns out that DH's parents are not coming because a handyman is going to show up at their house to install a fence that day. WTF. Nice priorities. So, that is the first pattern I want to change - DHs family is so distant and disconnected, it is ridiculous. DH is just realizing he has the capacity to fall into this pattern, as well.

Then, I was telling my mom this morning, via e-mail, that I was sad that they made the decision not to come. Her reply, is "Oh, it's just their way." Which brings up the second thing I want to change. Throughout my childhood, my feelings were constantly negated and invalidated. My parents could never say, "I'm so sorry you feel sad about that." It was always, "Well, you shouldn't feel that way because it's just this." I am determined not to do that to DD.

So, what about you guys? What dysfunctional family crap are you vowing to change?

82Sonia · January 2014

DH's family are very, very sensitive. To EVERYTHING. They feel slighted at every peceived and imagined slight. It drives me insane. DD will learn that not everyone is out to get you and every comment is not a hidden insult.

My family never says I love you. It wasn't weird to me growing up but it feels very unnatural to say it to my parents or brother now. I will always tell DD that I love her, all the time.

ReeceFamily · January 2014

@ PrivacyWanted, sounds like your mom tends to the narcissistic end of the spectrum, how fun for you

. Also, it makes me feel better that your are bitter about your FIL missing the event. I feel like I shouldn't care since it's not my parents, but I really do care because it affects my family.

ReeceFamily · January 2014

@Privacy - I can identify, the ILs are retired but are such a pain in the ass to schedule with because "oh, that's the day we do grocery shopping." Or whatever. Seriously? We are working full time and raising a child and a furry zoo, but you can't be flexible because it interferes with your weekly grocery shopping trip? Sigh.

ReeceFamily · January 2014

ClaryPax said:

My family was pretty good. My dad was not all that involved, and DH is more involved but I think that is a father generational thing.

DH's family on the other hand had a habit or interfering in sibling relationships, taking sides, and being draconian in punishment (hitting with a belt, soap in the mouth). I wasn't raised that way, and no way am I OK with spanking or putting soap in anyone's mouth. My mom did a reward chart for us siblings to get along, but never really "took sides" or interfered, and we get along whereas DH's siblings all hate each other and can't get past their childhoods.

Wow. There was a little physical abuse in DH's family too (they had to go outside to pick the branch that their dad would hit them with). However, DH and his only brother get along very well. BIL is actually a very wise old soul despite the upbringing.

jobiann · January 2014

I love my parents and my IL's dearly.

But I know DH has voiced concerns wanting to be more there for our son then his father was. His father worked long, hard hours and when he was home he wasn't very excited to entertain four little boys. DH says he wants to be very hands on and very connected with our son. With that said, FIL is an amazing grandfather. And my H and him have done a lot of work the past 8 years to repair their relationship and it is wonderful how they relate now. It just took a while.

My Mom is very controlling and is the type of Mom to hush fun to keep order. I don't ever remember finger painting as a child or anything like that...probably because it created too much of a mess for her. Same thing with sprinklers in the summer, we never had them because she didn't want to waste water. I'm hoping to not be like that, I'm afraid I already take after her, but I've taken a vow to allow my children to have fun and not worry about little things like messes that can be cleaned or a higher water bill for a few months.

Luckily both our family's are free of drama and get along wonderfully. We really feel blessed.

jjdillie · January 2014

Lots of things...My dad sounds a lot like Privacy's mom. He takes everything so personally and makes me feel guilty about everything. When I told my parents I was pg (single mom now, but I was still with BD at the time) the first thing my dad said was "when are you getting married?" He loves DS to death but if I ask him not do something with DS, he just gets mad and pouts. I never want to act like him or treat DS like that. And I pray that DS isn't like his father. He didn't even see DS for 2 months because he was "waiting on our court date for visitation." And now that he actually visits, he's late for every.single.visit. DS will always be my top priority.

Most of all, I want DS to have a childhood. My parents were much older when I was born. They were more financially stable but I think because of their age, I missed out on things. Our family vacation was a weekend trip to the beach each year. I love my parents but I'm glad I'm still young (younger than they were, anyway) while DS is little.

this decaf life · January 2014

Definitely the second part. DD falls a lot [like any normal toddler] and usually doesn't cry, she just rolls over and moves on so when she does cry it is usually because she actually hurt or really startled herself. I always pick her up and say something along the lines of "I know that hurt, it's okay to cry but you will be alright" because I'm kind of robot-like with my emotions and I don't want her to be the same way.

I try to let her explore without telling her to "be careful" too often because I was a pretty nervous kid. I feel like almost everything I do is calculated to some degree in an attempt to make her better than myself but it's really normal to wish that!

bennikki · January 2014

DH's family is extremely careful. They want to go to their job, be home by five, cash their paycheck, rinse and repeat everyday until they die.

DH and I weren't together when he bought his own business, but they were so unsupportive of him, and I know it was really hurtful for him. They couldn't understand why he would want to leave a full time job for something so uncertain (never mind the fact that he was only making 35,000/year and no real chance of making more than that). Once DH and I got married, we decided to open a 24 hour gym, and again, they thought we were crazy because, "OMG, how can you guys spend that kind of money without any guarantee?!" Well, DH has had his business for 9 years, and we've had the gym for 5 years, and we have more money in savings, retirement, and we're on track to pay off our mortgage in 5 years which is a much better financial situation than his parents who are in their mid-fifties. Yes it was tough at first, and yes there were days where we had to put in 15+ hours, but I'm going to have a paid for house before I'm 35, and that's totally worth it to me.

So, I definitely want to instill the entrepreneurial spirit in my son and any future kids I may have.

My family is perfect, just kidding, hahaha. My parents were bad at making it to games, performances, recitals. I'm sure part of it was because there were four of us, and we were all super involved in sports and extra-curriculars, but it was easy to get offended when mom and dad went to one sibling's thing instead of my own.

Also, my baby sister was super spoiled, and I always knew it growing up, but it didn't really effect me because I was 6 years older than her (so what if she got to go to way cooler places for her birthday parties that I did; at that point, I didn't even want to be seen with my parents). My mother has warned to not let this happen because my sister is now 24 years old, and she still has trouble budgeting, time managing, and handling her first "real" job. So, DH and I need to keep in check the spoiled level for DS. It was definitely a long battle to get pregnant with DS, so we realistically may not be able to have more children, and it could get really easy to spoil an only child.

ReeceFamily · January 2014

@bennikki - re: the only child/spoiling thing, I think about this a lot, too. DD gets a lot of one-on-one attention from us, and already I am noticing (and daycare is noticing) that she is VERY conscious of getting attention as a motivation for doing things. She'll stop mid-cry (or mid-laugh) to see if anyone is watching, and then she'll really ham it up if anyone is. Of course, I'm worried that I've somehow promoted her being manipulative. Plus DH was sort of deprived in childhood and has the tendency to spoil her with material stuff. I am just not sure how best to raise a non-spoiled (but still happy and confident) only child!

AshleyDehaven · January 2014

I could write a damn novel on the family dynamics i grew up with that i will so NOT be letting DS grow into. For one, all of us kids on dads side were pitted against each other our whole lives, and made to compete. "Oh you placed during an invitation only vocal competition? well so and so did this..". Led to some major dysfunction.. Then there is my parents.. Whom, i love btw, BUT.. They don't do affection. At all. I can count the times i remember being hugged by them on one hand. I have never seen them kiss, ever. Not once. Or hug, except when dad's father died. Or even hold hands. So, yeah.. No. I am all about cuddling and showing DS affection.

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