Do you get a vacation?

capinjen152 · January 2014

My husband has been out of town all week on vacation without me (he tried to plan it for both of us as a surprise but I wasn't able to go because of work) and when we talked last night he said he now wants to go out of town again next month to work at a sister company for a week to help them out.

So do you ever get to do this sort of thing? I know I've never just told my husband Oh by the way I'm going to be out for a week so you're on your own. How can I phrase my gut answer of "oh hell no that isn't happening" in a way that gets the point across without me getting more stabby?

Ok this turned into more of a vent than anything. I'm just pissed he gets to have all the fun/carefree time and I get stuck with the reality of being an adult and parent. And hearing about all the fun he is having without me just compounds my frustration. This girl needs a calm rational way to discuss the issue.

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

Yes. I said to H, "I'm going to Aruba in June 2013. How can we make this happen?" He said "save your mad money and we will budget." I said "FUCK YEAH!" Then a few weeks later he got the opportunity of a life time to go to Europe. We pinched pennies and scrapped every dime possible. We had separate vacations in 2013.

A few years ago he took A to Texas and I stayed home. I was unable to travel due to pg complications. That was a vacation for me. I didn't have to chase a toddler. I got a week of alone time.

Just tell him you need/want a break

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

Oh and to answer your other question. Just be honest. Let him know you a frustrated and feel cheated. Either he will understand or you will nut punch him.

Is it a requirement for him to work out of town? If yes, then you can't really say anything. If no, ask him not to go. Tell him you need the extra help at home.

capinjen152 · January 2014

No he is not required to work out of town. It isn't even his company that he just wants to go visit and help out. Basically he is a work-a-holic and his idea of a good time is to go look at cattle and help prep for a sale by clipping bull hair for 12 hours a day. Like he willing will take time off of work and drive across 3 states to go do it. Not something I get.

We will have to have the come to Jesus talk when he gets home about how far down on the priority list I am feeling (and the kids). It sucks to have to keep bringing it up that I don't feel like I get the attention/time/fun with him that I really want and need. Farming and families are hard. Especially when you didn't grow up with it and had no real insight into the lifestyle you agreed to.

missnacholover · January 2014

We've taken vacations on our own before. My husband has gone on some fishing trip for a week for the past few summers. He has fun and gets more vacation time, so I don't mind. I have zero interest in camping in no-electricity cabins and fishing all day. Sounds fun for about a day or two but a week? No thanks.

I've taken some girls weekends and went on a week long cruise with a couple girlfriends a few years ago. It was so fun!

We've talked about what will happen when we have kids and the girls/boys vacations will be minimal as family vacations will come first. But I think it's important to spend time with your friends w/out your spouse!

If it's bothering you and not a required job thing for him to go, just tell him that you'd appreciate it if he said no this time.

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

Traveling is big for us. We take Allie. Sometimes we leave her with my brother. Last summer she went on her own vacation. She spent the week with my brother and traveled all over KY. H and I stayed home.

I was trying to quote the PP who was talking family vacations.

capinjen152 · January 2014

Thanks girls. You're making me feel better about this. Now to find some girlfriends to go on vacation with!

Wine&Cupcakes · January 2014

Yup we have vacationed separately. DH has a yearly "guys" trip and I am considering a weekend in Iceland at the end of Feb without him.

Growing up, DH's parents took separate vacations sometimes and on a couple of occasions his dad took him and his siblings on international business trips while his mom stayed home (likely a vacation much more for her ;-))

I nannied in nursing school and the husband was always running off on weekends away and the wife never did. The one time she wanted a weekend away, he gave her crap about not knowing the routine and "OMG how will I know what to do with my kid for 48 hours !?!?!" and she didn't go. I swore that would NEVER fly in my household and it won't.

In fact, I have a friend now who is reluctant to take a weekend away in Maine in May and leave her 8 mos. old daughter with her husband because he's nervous about it. I say tough shit. She carried the baby, now she's breast feeding. At least her DH can watch his own kid for 48 hours without bitching while she relaxes.

Clearly, I'm passionate about this.

Put your foot down. And then book a trip!

capinjen152 · January 2014

@Wine&Cupcakes I think my husband is nervous about being the sole caregiver, too. Mostly because he hardly ever has to do it. I think the longest he has been alone with both boys was 3 hours. So I think that needs to change and this is a good opportunity.

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

You do not get to judge a FTM with a child under one at home. It is a whole new ball game with a newborn/infant at home.

capinjen152 · January 2014

I see your point mw, it's hard to see another person's reasoning when you aren't in her place. And sometimes it sucks worse to be away while nursing. All the prep, pumping, storing, etc makes going away less enjoyable especially the first time away from your baby.

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

Not to mention hormonal embalances PP

gogadgetgo · January 2014

I personally wouldn't leave my kiddo for a vacation while I am still nursing. Pain in the ass to have to pump, etc. but as soon as I wean W, I plan on taking a night to myself. Or I'd be fine if DH came too. Uninterrupted sleep is the dream!

jnnfrrose6 · January 2014

I go on a scrapbooking weekend every year. DH usually ends up with a long weekend trip at some point as well. Neither of us have done a full week vacation apart, though. I certainly don't think it's a problem, but 2 in 2 months would bother me.

My scrapbook weekend is next weekend (yay!). Last year I took DS with me because he was still little and I was nursing (plus, due to circumstances, it ended up being at my mother's house, so that was easy). This year, it's back at a B&B out of state and DH will have DS for the weekend. DH actually asked me if I trusted him to take care of DS for a whole weekend. Of course I do. If I didn't trust him to be able to take care of a child on his own, why in the world would I have a kid with him?

Wine&Cupcakes · January 2014

I agree, but in my opinion, I don't think its appropriate that a husband states he can't take care of his own child because he's nervous. The only way to gain confidence is to jump in and do it and I really hope to start leaving DH alone with baby for extended periods of time as soon as it's feasible.

I feel as if there is a double standard that it's totally comfortable and acceptable for a mom to stay at home with a baby for an extended period but not a father. I just hope that isn't the case for me.

Also, my friend I spoke about isn't BF and she works nights, where her husband is the sole care provider and then they switch off in the morning when she gets home and he has to go to work so he's well versed in the care of the baby.

I just think, I regard to the OP, if he feels comfortable traveling and leaving you with the child, then the feeling should be mutual and the opportunity should be provided for you as well, but every marriage and dynamic is different.

Edited to add: I don't have kids. I write this as a very naive woman regarding the actual world of parenthood. I know this. I'll update when I've shot a child out of my vag and we can all make endless fun of my pre- child stupidity.

veetveet · January 2014

I've gone away for one weekend in 3 years. He's gone away for work, overnights etc. Doesn't bother me. Personally I don't think I could be away from my children more than a few days- but if I really wanted to go away I could.

bugandbibs · January 2014

I would laugh in my husband's face if he told me he couldn't care for our girls solo. Luckily, we don't have this issue.

OP, I think the issue here isn't the vacations but the lack of communication about them. Realistically, I would never be able to plan a surprise getaway for us because of his work schedule. We have to plan far in advance. There's no point in silently seething about his time away. Be open and honest about what you need and how you are feeling.

MH travels for work, and sometimes it's super hard Sometimes, we have family vacation without him or he can only come for part of it. I'm sure that sucks for him. We do the best we can to communicate and make sure everyone's needs get met.

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

Again, you can't judge new parents. Leaving your child for the first time isn't easy. Being alone for extended periods is taxing. Until you have been there you can't say anything.

toribrite · January 2014

I go to conferences for work usually once per year for a week without my hubby. I've always offered for him to come but he says he would get bored while I was in conference.

We wouldn't go on vacation without each other though- unless it was for something like a wedding the other didn't want to go to or something.

I'm also sure my mom would be fine with watching any future children we have for vacations. She owes me TONS of babysitting anyway lol. (I have twin 4 yo brothers that I watch often for her.) (And yes I have talked to my mom about this... I'm not just assuming.)

laurakaz13 · January 2014

Yes, we take vacations and weekends away separately. I go away with the girls or for work at least 2-4 times a year and DH travels for work a lot as well.

Travel is HUGE for us so we try to take two big vacations each year together. One skiing and one to a new country we haven't visited.

Maybe you should tell him you need a break and some time away as well. Sounds like you do. If this particular trip is not required, then I would just tell him it really, really doesn't sound like a good time and that you're feeling like a solo parent right now.

If it was required work travel, my answer would be different though.

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

fredalina said:
UO? I think people who don't have kids are entitled to opinions. They are also entitled to be laughed at if their opinions suck. PP's opinions make sense.

I agree to a point. A new parent (dad included) is a different ball game. Wine is judging parents of an 8 month old. 18 months, any parent should know how to deal.

bosco213 · January 2014

Yes...my DH does not enjoy traveling so I travel 1 to 2 times a year with family and he stays home. We take a vacation together in July to upstate NY. We see both fine with it...he doesn't enjoy being "out of routine" on vacation, so he's crabby and stressed the whole time, but I love to travel so he's fine with me going without him! A lot of people think it's weird but it works for us. ETA: I don't have (human) children yet so feel free to totally disregard this response

thefarmchick · January 2014

We farm and this is how our "vacation" time works. Granted we have crops and no animals and we both live and work on the farm.

I am blessed to have my parents that take the kids usually 1 over night a month. They are taking them for 2 nights next week so we can go to a Crop Summit and 3 nights next month so we can go to Farm Show in Louisville.
We went to a water park about 2 hours away last weekend as a family vacation for 2 nights.
Those are our vacations. We will probably never go to Disney World or on a cruise but do "farm" stuff as a couple and call it good.
On the flip side my husband LOVES to snowmobile and goes away about 4 times a winter for 3-4 nights each without me.
I am going to a Woman in Ag conference for 2 nights in March. That will be my overnight getaway for this winter.
He goes places and does things all the time, but he usually checks to make sure I am fine with the kids and doing bedtime on my own. I hardly every go anywhere that I'm not back in time to get the kids to and from daycare. We've struggled with all of this stuff the last 5 years but we are slowly working it out.

That long story for these questions:
Where is your husband on vacation? Why did he try to make it a surprise and why did he go without you if it was supposed to be a "couple thing" when you couldn't go?

The bull sale is just something fun he wants to do. Its not required. If it makes your life more difficult and you will resent it. He can stay home with the kids that weekend and you go, lol.

FYI, I fully plan on a girls trip somewhere warm next year without my husband if we don't have a negative cash flow year.

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

Did you have the talk?

mrssl3813 · January 2014

@capinjen152 I am not going to say much on the vacation thing, other then we go together always. We also have no children so...
But the farm thing... Oh man do I get that. When I married into this whole thing I had not a single clue. There are so many things about this "lifestyle" that I in no way understand nor can I imagine ever understanding. I love him regardless but somedays... I just SMH

capinjen152 · January 2014

Yes we had the talk. It went like this:

Jen: How was your trip?
H: Awesome! I need to start my diet after all the amazing food, drinks, etc.
J: Great. Glad it was fun. And also, about you leaving again next month, not a good idea. I'm already overwhelmed by the thought of this.
H: Yeah I sensed that. The most I will go is a weekend, if that.
J: Good. Ask first.

So glad we're on the same page there.

Mysterious_wife · January 2014

Uh that's not the same page. You still didn't tell him you want a break too. He's still planning on going for a weekend.

capinjen152 · January 2014

Well that was the big part for me. The I'm planning a Mexico trip without you conversation can be next week.

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Do you get a vacation?

Re: Do you get a vacation?

DX (me): Inborn error of metabolism - protein restriction, metabolic formula & weekly blood tests

DNA Results (7/1): DH is NOT a carrier for my genetic disorder!

7/3: Metabolic clinic gave the green light to TTC - holy crap!

DX (me): Inborn error of metabolism - protein restriction, metabolic formula & weekly blood tests

DNA Results (7/1): DH is NOT a carrier for my genetic disorder!

7/3: Metabolic clinic gave the green light to TTC - holy crap!

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