Are we part-time parents?

CurlieWhirlie · January 2014

I mean, I guess we are part-time parents if we have joint custody of our kids, by the technical definition. But my mom used this one on me today and it really stung.

I work full-time. I have my son with me four nights a week, and my ex has him the other three. We have a great relationship, so most nights he's not with me I still stop by ex's place and hang out for a bit, and vice versa. During the day, when he's not in preschool, my parents watch our son, which is a huge cost-saver but also gives me a lot of peace of mind knowing he's with family while we're both at work.

This week I started a childbirth class to prepare for my new arrival in March. Because it fell on a night that I would normally have my son, I asked my ex if he could take him on those nights, just for the 10 weeks of the class. Rather than ask him to give me back a day that was normally his on the other end, we both agreed that he'd just pick up an extra night this week and we would see how we all felt about it, and go from there. Very reasonable! We are all friends!

My mother is displeased.

She believes that the mother inherently has more rights to the child than the father (bullshit). She believes that little kids want their mommies (probably true, but they also want ice cream for dinner every night, so...). She believes that because ex had a hard time financially last year and didn't exactly pay for half of everything concerning our son, he should have less say in a decision about changing the schedule (I just can't even touch that one). And she's mad that because I'm not doing what she says about this situation, I'm "not listening" to her, when she is the only one thinking of my son, and he has two part-time parents.

UUUUUUUUUGH.

People, I am so angry/guilty/stressed about this, I cannot even. Please someone either tell me I'm not crazy to be so offended, or tell me that she's right and I'm being too emotional. I haven't been able to think about anything other than this fight all day at work today. Usually we have a great relationship, so I get really stressed when we fight. And since she's our childcare, I can't just avoid her.

Thanks for reading, if you got through that. Even just typing it out makes me feel better.

cole2144 · January 2014

That is crap, your mom is wrong on all counts here. When a child`s parents are not together, they have to share their child. It in no way means that they are less of a parent. Bravo to you for having such a good relationship with your ex, that is the best thing you could do for your child.

dmndsr4eva · January 2014

I think if you are not able to be with your son due to your childbirth classes then the best thing to do is to let him be with his dad. There were not any classes on the nights he is normally with his dad?

I think your mom is wrong.

That being said I do feel like a part time parent. I feel like I have A LOT of free time that I never anticipated having and I feel like I have no say in what goes on with my son when he is not in my care. This was not my choice. I am doing the best I can with what I have been handed in life.

CurlyQ284 · January 2014

Your mom is wrong, just ignore her. My mom says shit like "I dont know WHY you refuse to get full custody of the girls". Like I just ask the judge and hes like YUP! GRANTED! ::gavel::

That being said, I am long distance and am only a Stepmom during school breaks so I would consider myself a PT SM

Wahoo · January 2014

Your mom sounds really controlling. You need to live your life in a way that works best for you, your H, your son, and your expected baby. It is awesome that you and your ex are on such great terms and flexible that you can share time your son and not have to go stictly by the CO. The fact that this is ok with your DH means that he is a great guy as well!

I would stop discussing this with your mom. Never JADE - justify, argue, defend, or explain. The fact is, this is none of your mom's business (unless she is the one asked to babysit, or if you asked her to help you with $ when your ex didn't pay). If she bings it up again, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way, but ex and I found a solution that works for us." Then clam up.

As far as being a part time parent goes - - I feel guilty when I have to work and can't spend time with my kids after school, too. But the fact is - I need to work. Unless you are travelling and working 100 hours a week, don't feel you are neglecting your child. And any parent with more than one child will have to choose between them in terms of time, attention, etc. That is part of parenting, and not a bad thing, especially when he has time with his father!!!

One thing I disagree with your post - I don't think "wanting your mom" should be in the same category as "wanting ice cream for dinner." There is nothing like mom to a child. Fortunately, there is nothing like dad, either, and that is who your son is with!!!

ambrvan · January 2014

You are not wrong to be offended. There is really simple solution to this. Tell your mom to go suck a goat dick. Ok, so maybe that won't work for you. But that's what I would (I have) say. Word for word.

CurlyQ284 · January 2014

HA HA HA omg that would be funny to say to someone. I'm going to store that in my back pocket.

nattyncbride · January 2014

Honestly, when this all started for me (when I got separated), I honestly did feel like a part time parent (we are also 50/50). I had week nights and whole weekends alone, and I never anticipated I'd have that again once I became a parent.

However, I am his sole parent when I have him. I do everything for/with him without a break. And I never thought I'd have to do that, either. So after some time, I felt more confident, and I have to say: no, I do not feel like a part-time parent even if I only have LO part time.

I am very close to my mom, and value her opinion, and she has said some hurtful things, whether she meant it or not. So I understand feeling hurt. If you care about someone, you inherently care what they think. That said, I agree with PPs that you need to stop discussing this with her and have a set response like @Wahoo suggested (though @ambrvan's made me giggle). If you think talking to her would help, I would try that, but I honestly think people that have not gone through this (and I don't wish this on anyone) will NEVER know how this feels.

You are a great mother, like @cole2144 said, kudos for co-parenting so well. Congrats on your new baby on the way!!

CurlieWhirlie · January 2014

Thanks for the responses and the advice, ladies. It's all really helpful! I definitely agree that having to share custody and co-parent is not something anyone else would understand, having not been through it themselves. So I appreciate your perspectives, and thinking of it that way helps me get why my mom may just not understand.

Happy Friday!

itsmyturn2 · January 2014

I find this very interesting because its something I have been dealing with too. My mother isn't so blunt, but I get the sense that she thinks I "opt out" of parenting too. Like others have said, I don't consider myself a part time parent - I am always thinking of my children and doing things for them, even if they are not physically with me. I think very often she is comparing my life with children to her's - which is totally different, I work 40+ hours, I'm divorced, etc. Its never going to be the same.

I'm close and I care what she thinks and value her opinion, but at the end of the day I need to be comfortable with my choices and I am.

ambrvan · January 2014

We cannot be part time patents because our decisions in life, every one of them, must be made with our children or step children in mind. A part time parent would only "have to deal with being a parent" part time. We deal with it all the time, even if or kids are not physically with us.

Would you call a working parent a part time parent? Or parents who get a baby sitter once a week or once a month a part time parent? I suppose once all of your kids are in school, you're a part time parent now, too.

Sheesh!

JessO91 · February 2014

You are entirely entitled to be upset by her on this. If you and your ex have a good relationship and are on the same page with the change, nothing that anyone else thinks matters. I think it is awesome that you have that relationship with your child's father....my husband's ex is a nightmare to try to work with, so the fact that you two are able to work things out so well is awesome, and you should ignore your mom's negativity.

Abenedict2011 · February 2014

Wow! I'm sorry you are going through this! Congrats to you and your ex for being responsible adults who are making your relationship work! That's teally a hard thing to do. I second giving mom the cold shoulder until you decided if and how you want to approach her. But really, again, congrats for working things out. It makes a huge difference in your child's life!

allgood921 · February 2014

I experience the same thing with my mother in law when it comes to my step daughter. She despises my husband's ex for her own personal reasons, we however all play nice and get along and consider each other friends. She cannot stand it! If I so much as make a positive comment about the mother of my step daughter my MIL gives a prompt scoff and rolls her eyes. It's frustrating, but I have to remind myself that I cannot control the way my MIL feels, thinks, or acts. But I can continue on with my positive attitude. Just try to brush off your mother's comments and attitudes. It sounds to me like you're doing a great thing for your son as well as yourself bybeing friends with your ex! It makes co-parenting in a split family SO much easier!!

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