Need some support

Re: Need some support

• jbelle223 member

  January 2014

  Thank you. That helps a lot and makes sense. I'll have my mom try that.
  
  She just seems to prefer her in every aspect, it just gets disheartening. Like this morning, the minute I walk through the door to drop her off, I am instantly chopped liver and all she wants is her Grandma. And I am glad she loves my mom, but it's just a kick in the heart and ego sometimes.
  
  Sometimes working, I worry about missing important bonding moments mother's should have.
  

  Report0 Reply
• Loading the player...
• jf198400 member

  January 2014

  Try to remind yourself that it's just that she's having so much fun, she doesn't want to leave. It might help if you play with her at your moms house before you go home.
  My mom watched both of my kids until DD was 2 and DS was 8months. They have now been in DC for over a year and still have a super close relationship with my mom. It's wonderful that they love her so much. It makes it easier to do things like leave them with her for a long weekend. The embarrassing part for me is that it's obvious that they prefer her over MIL when both grandmas are around.
  I know it's hard now, but this really is a good thing, and it will get easier over time.

  
  
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• jbelle223 member

  January 2014

  Thanks, CJCouple. I know, it feel so petty to want her to like me most. I think it's in our nature as mothers, though.
  
  I am hoping as she gets older, things will be different. We can have special outings like that or take special time together.
  
  I constantly feel like I am fighting for Alpha. Do I know her best, or does my mom really know her best because she gets her all the time. Isn't something wrong with that picture?
  

  Report0 Reply
• jbelle223 member

  January 2014

  Thank, jf198400. I know, you're right. And I do try to tell myself that she has fun over there. And I am so grateful she has such a great and loving environment to go to everyday. I know she is getting the best care from my mom. Maybe it's just a pride thing, or like I mentioned above, it just feels unnatural as a mother that I am not her go to.
  

  Report0 Reply
• litzo27 member

  January 2014

  PrivacyWanted said:

  I promise you this has nothing to do with you or who she likes more and everything to do with having trouble transitioning. Kids also test boundaries with their mom because they feel safe doing so, it's actually a sign of how bonded she is to you. We went through the exact same thing. I know it stings but it will pass. Things that helped were my MIL preparing her for the transition ie "mom will be here in 10 min, 5..." And so on. And my giving here choices " do you want to walk or be carried to the car?"

  This is almost word for word what I wanted to write! She feels comfortable with you - it's actually normal for LO to misbehave the moment they get to be with their parents because they just relax. It will CERTAINLY pass (and I promise when you are dropping her off and she is hanging onto your lag and crying that she doesn't want you to go you will remember these days fondly). It's good if grandma helps her get excited "Mommy will be here soon! What will you do with mommy today - play with blocks? Yay!", etc.
  

  
   

  Report0 Reply
• jbelle223 member

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  Thank you, Litzo27. That is great to hear that it might just be her issues with transitioning. I called my mom and asked her to start getting her ready 10 minutes before I get there and to tell her I am coming.
  
  I do drop her off at an in home daycare once a week so she can be around other children and she does bury herself into my chest and doesn't want me to leave and cries when I walk out the door. And you're right, that sucks too. You just can't win!
  
  I do like picking her up from day care because she is excited to see me and I don't have the same issues. However, now that you mentioned it, my sitter has her coat and hat on and she is waiting by the door ready to go by the time I get there.
  
  I guess I am just taking it too personally. Which is silly, but so hard not to.
  

  Report0 Reply
• MommyAtty member

  January 2014

  My DD is the same age and stays with my in laws every day. We go through some of that. She's outgrowing it, but in the mornings she is def thrilled to see Grandma. In the evenings, we now have my in laws drop her at our house with DH because she used to just melt down when he picked her up. We live about a mile apart, so that works for us. Also, I finally taught Grandma to act excited and happy that we were coming on days we pick her up instead of acting like "omg, this is going to be bad, she's going to be upset, let's start comforting her as though she's about to be tortured!" So much is how the adults act. The toddler feeds off of that. I finally threatened to get a nanny if she didn't start helping make transitions better.

  Report2 Reply
• jbelle223 member

  January 2014

  Thanks, MommyAtty. So glad I am not alone. I have started dreading picking her. I mean, I get excited to go get her because I miss her, but always end up leaving feeling a little defeated. But now it sounds like I have couple things to try and it's not me, she just doesn't want to leave where she is at.
  
  You guys have all made me feel so much better, thanks!
  

  Report0 Reply
• thedash member

  January 2014

  DS is extremely close to his DCP. She has watched him since he was 5 months old and doesn't have any other kids there (well, now she has my DD too). We went through this and it was really more about the transition. It's not easy for them to think ahead even 20 or 30 minutes to realize they will do something fun at home. Instead they are just upset that they have to stop whatever fun or comfortable thing they are doing that minute. I definitely agree that at a certain time (or when she gets your call) grandma has to pack up the toys and games, move to a designated spot in the house and put on her coat and shoes to wait for you. She can have one book to read or they can sing songs while they wait for you. That way she isn't in the middle of something fun and then mom walks in the door and she has to suddenly stop to go with you.

  
  

  We tried some of the suggestions above and there have still been days when he is crying for her in his car seat as we drive home. But now that he's getting older he will also often cry in the morning and tell me he doesn't want to go there. I stayed home with him Monday because he was sick and every day this week he has asked me "Please, go back home with Mama." while we are driving over there. You can't win!

  DS: 2/17/11          DD: 9/4/13

  Report0 Reply
• jbelle223 member

  January 2014

  Thanks, thedash! Ugh, I agree, you can't win! I don't want her to cry when I drop her off and want her to be happy to stay with Grandma, but I don't want her to scream when I pick her up.
  
  But that is good to know. Because a lot of times, I am pressed for time, so I just swoop in and grab her and go. Which sounds like a big part of the problem.
  
  I will definitely let my mom know and see if this helps. I guess I was too hooked on the fact that she might not want to go home with ME than actually thinking it's her being comfortable and not wanting to transition.
  

  Report0 Reply
• thedash member

  January 2014

  jbelle223 said:

  Thanks, thedash! Ugh, I agree, you can't win! I don't want her to cry when I drop her off and want her to be happy to stay with Grandma, but I don't want her to scream when I pick her up.
  
  But that is good to know. Because a lot of times, I am pressed for time, so I just swoop in and grab her and go. Which sounds like a big part of the problem.
  
  I will definitely let my mom know and see if this helps. I guess I was too hooked on the fact that she might not want to go home with ME than actually thinking it's her being comfortable and not wanting to transition.
  

  Yep it's actually a good thing that she's comfortable and feels safe there - but it sure doesn't feel good when they scream and cry all the way home!

  DS: 2/17/11          DD: 9/4/13

  Report0 Reply
• ASmallWonder member

  January 2014

  I'm chuckling because I am SO not my son's favorite.  And my competition isn't his teacher or his dad or anyone else he sees on a daily basis.  It's his Bampy who he sees probably once a month.  That kid drops me like a hot potato if there's even a chance Bampy is nearby.  When we visit them I barely see that boy at all.  So don't put so much weight on this being a working mom issue.  Yes, they do become attached to their caregiver but you are ALWAYS mom.  It's also a phase that comes and goes.  We hate when we have to peel them off us to go to work and we hate when it swings the other way and they don't want to go home.  It will keep swinging so try not to let it hurt your feelings.

  Formerly known as elmoali

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• jbelle223 member

  January 2014

  elmoali said:

  I'm chuckling because I am SO not my son's favorite.  And my competition isn't his teacher or his dad or anyone else he sees on a daily basis.  It's his Bampy who he sees probably once a month.  That kid drops me like a hot potato if there's even a chance Bampy is nearby.  When we visit them I barely see that boy at all.  So don't put so much weight on this being a working mom issue.  Yes, they do become attached to their caregiver but you are ALWAYS mom.  It's also a phase that comes and goes.  We hate when we have to peel them off us to go to work and we hate when it swings the other way and they don't want to go home.  It will keep swinging so try not to let it hurt your feelings.

  Thanks! I know, I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings and take it personally. This thread helped a lot, thanks you guys so much.
  
  I guess that sometimes my guilt about working manifests itself into imaginary problems, lol.
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply