intro- seeking support

lorist202 · January 2014

Hi there. I'm in a funny situation. I'm married to a man I can't stand. Its too bad because he has a huge heart; that's actually why I married him. We dated during a time I was very vunerable, recovering from a nasty and lengthy depression. He was not my type at all, and nothing like me, but I was coming from a support system of zero. Treatment, therapy, and medication could not lift me out of it. He and his loving family literally saved my life, and to this day, they have no idea. It is with this new found strength that I was able to salvage my life, career, and even myself.

Fast forward 4 years. I'm in my glory as a mom and 6 mos. pregnant with my second. My H pays most of the bills and my paycheck is mostly my own. Its not all rainbows and daisies, however. Our personality differences more than I can handle. H is irresponsible in every way, and he acts completely obnoxious. For example, tonight, I arrived home from my new job with a very lengthy commute. I didn't even have my coat off or put down my armload of stuff, and without a word, he hands me the phone with someone on the other line, to have a conversation with his personal injury lawyer about a car accident. My toddler was yelling and pulling at my leg, and as soon as I hung up, H attempted to yell over toddler to discuss phone convo. Then he told me to "smell his Dorito breath" and blew it in my face. I gagged... It got worse after, but I locked myself in the bedroom for some peace. This is a normal occurrence in our house, as is his trying to kiss me on the mouth while I'm trying to eat, and other very smothering behaviors. I can't stand the guy.

We've been to counseling, but he no longer attends, and honestly, it was pointless because he thinks my discontent is my problem, not his. I've always wanted to be a mom, and my children are my life. Prior to my depression, I considered being a single mom by choice using sperm donation, so Im not intimidated by playing the single mom role, and I don't regret this pregnancy.

However, I question if I'm strong enough to "share" my time with my children I.e. through custody. My h is not responsible enough to live on his own and would go back to his mothers house. I don't think Im up to the task of co-parenting without a support system of my own, and ILs can be especially pushy. I have a good, not great relationship with ILs, but they make it clear that they mostly put up with me at this point because they have to. As things have changed in my relationship with their "perfect son" my relationship has weakened with them as well. Still, we have a good enough relationship, and they help me out often. So here I am. I feel very stuck and I have nobody to talk to about it.

If you've read this far, you deserve an award, so thank you! It has been difficult to even write this, so please don't flame me. Im having a hard enough time right now.

MinnesotaMomma91 · January 2014

I dont really know how to respond to this honestly. First thing that comes to mind is why did you marry and have children with this man? I understand you feel like him and his family saved you but... seriously.

You obviosly dont even like this guy anymore. So leave. Dont waste anymore of his time or yours.

Also you say he was immature, did you not realize this before hand or did you think you could change him?

Welcome to the board.

jesuisfatiguee · January 2014

That's kind of a crappy situation. But honestly, if you're not happy and counseling isn't working, it's time to move forward. It's better for your kids to see two, happy yet separate parents than two unhappy and married parents. I get that you may struggle with sharing time with your kids, but you have to do what's right for them. Having their dad's side of the family involved in their lives is so, so important, and helping facilitate that is kind of your obligation to them as their mother and advocate. It's not about feeling up to it, it's about just doing it. Such is life as a single parent, really.

tig594 · January 2014

Agree with PP about thinking you should move on. I know it's very overwhelming at first but you can do it. I would definitely continue counseling on your own to help you transition at the very least. PP is also correct when she says it's better to have your kids see two happy parents that aren't together than two (or one, maybe??) miserable parent(s) together. Remember, the household they grow up in will be what they think is normal for years. You don't want them to grow up and think your relationship with their dad is okay. Little boys learn how to treat women from the strong role models in their life and little girls learn to either be strong and independent or not strong and tolerant of bad/abusive behavior in a relationship from their mommas.

He does sound a bit like an asshat. I'd definitely leave. Don't you dare feel like you owe his family anything for being there for you when you needed it. You said yourself they didn't even know they were helping you so it's not like they are going to start talking behind your back because they saved you and you had the nerve to walk out on them. Instead, you'll be the bitch because you don't like Dorito breath blown in your face. Life is too short to put up with unacceptable or abusive behavior in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

So, maybe you should write "I am strong enough!" 500 times on the chalkboard. And when you're done we'll be here to make sure you stay that way.

tig594 · January 2014

Oh yeah, maybe you could find a support group in your area? Maybe a mom's group or something?

20thirteen · January 2014

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I have no other advice that hasn't already been given. We're a good support group if you ever need to vent.

BTW, your little boy is so cute!

Want a personalized experience?

intro- seeking support

Re: intro- seeking support

Choose Another Board

Search Boards